Archive | March, 2013

the okcupid chronicles: a saga years in the making

27 Mar

In the foolish days of my youth (2009), my friends and I decided that it would be funny to start up “OkCupid” accounts just for shits and gigs, rather than to actually meet other human beings. My first several messages are from my friends, simply saying “wutup QT can I holla atchu?”, which is really all I could ask for in a message. Now, don’t think that we were going around catfishing; our profiles were entirely our own. I used my real pictures, my name, real personal interests and such. We just wanted to see what OkCupid was all about, even if that meant just ignoring anyone who reached out to me on the site.

I really initially only kept my page active for two reasons. The first reason of why I kept it going is honestly completely vain. I kept my page active for vanity, I wanted to see who thought that I am pretty. It’s shallow, but who cares, we all like to hear that someone thinks we’re good looking, whoever says otherwise is a liar. A dirty, filthy liar. This was back in my younger days (2010) when I was going through some self-esteem issues (I’ve clearly come a long way, huh guyz?!) and I just wanted to know that there were guys out there interested in me. Sometimes you come home from a long night out at the club (that’s not me, I never go to clubs) and you haven’t scored any numbers from any hOtTiEz, so what better than to look through an abundance of poorly written and grammatically incorrect messages from strangers letting you know how beautiful and funny you are to make you feel better? It’s an instant cure for the blues. JK, that’s not actually true, if you’re fundamentally unhappy then you’re fundamentally unhappy, no amount of completely shallow comments about your appearance is going to make you feel better. But, sometimes it’s a nice reminder that at least one person thinks you’re pretty. I hope everyone (no one) who reads this blog (no one reads this blog) doesn’t hate me now for how terrible I just sounded. Just trying to relate to the masses of human beings. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m an alien/robot hybrid, so I don’t understand or have any basic human emotions, I’m just trying to fit in.

The second reason for why I keep my OkCupid alive and kickin (barely) and really the main reason why it still exists today is because I receive some REALLY interesting messages from some very…shall we say “interesting” men. Or boys. Monsters? Who even knows. All I know is that some people really have no idea how to speak to other human beings, whether it be in person or via social communication. I by no means refuse to de-activate my account because I am looking to meet anyone off of the website. Completely the opposite, actually. I am nervous and skeptical enough about the men I meet in real life, let alone the men I “meet” online. I don’t trust any one of those fuckers, and I won’t be starting to have faith that one of these men on a free dating website is the one for me anytime soon. I just assume that all of the guys who message me on OkCupid have terrible intentions (as I do with all men I meet in bars. I have trust issues, lay off me). I don’t trust the kind of people who use it seriously. I understand that I have one, but I never respond to messages and don’t send any on my own accord. So if there are others like me out there on the site, I wouldn’t be aware because they’d be like me and not messaging other people. Simple as that. I’ve heard too many online dating horror stories to trust anyone in the world, everyone is a liar and I am choosing to live under a rock with a tv playing  “RuPaul’s Drag Race” in the background to soothe me for the rest of my life.

So, some of these messages I receive…they range from funny to flattering to downright terrifying. I’ve literally been scared for my life after reading one of the messages I received. But more on that later, that’s really the show-stopper, so I feel the need to hold out on sharing its information so that you will be forced to read the rest of my thoughts. It’s like I’m playing God here. And I like it.

The messages I am going to post range from 2009 to today, and I don’t think age has made any of these men wiser. I have broken them down into six categories:

– Bad pick-up lines
– Why did you bother messaging me?
– I don’t understand what you want/what you’re doing with yourself
– What?
– No
– Old men

This is a pretty wide range of messages to receive and this post will be going on for quite some time longer. I was going to break it up into different posts, but I figure why not just post all of the messages here instead? Let’s make life fun for everyone. So here we go. This should be a fun adventure for everyone (me, this is fun for me).

*Note: all of the messages sent are in italics and my thoughts after reading them are written normally. I figure anyone who wastes their time reading this blog must be dumb enough to not realize that (Thanks for reading my blog and you’re welcome for insulting your intelligence, which I’m sure is actually average if not above average!)

– Bad pick-up lines:

do you work at subway? b/c you’re giving me a foot-long – Right. I think this speaks for itself. Great way to break the ice.

im bored and horny right now, do u wanna get fucked? – Nah, not so much, I’ll pass. Thank you though.

Baby, I’m like milk. I do a body good. – You don’t know if I’m lactose intolerant, you could be picking at my one weakness. Think before you send, fella (I’m not lactose intolerant, but when you assume something, you make an ass of you and me).

if i were drunk Jun 14, 2010 – 1:00am
id just say u can get it baby cuz u nasty fly… but since im not, hey there my names ron, and u should get back to me soon cuz if u dont its the best thing you’ll miss out on this week – Looks like I missed out on something good that week, huh guys? That threat really got to me. 

Your darn hot and sexy….Cant we talk? – “Can’t we talk?” Nope. We can’t.

Your natural beauty radiates from your profile picture 🙂 I instantly acquired a tan from your heavenly glow. – Don’t think that’s true or scientifically possible, but thank you, being tan is the greatest achievement and only in my life. So you really found the way to my heart immediately.

– Why did you bother messaging me?:

what’s up? you are MAD cute. and u seem like a TON of fun! haha. i have no idea what to say. – Then why did you send me a message?

pshaw, everyone on the okcupid likes brand new – Uh okay, thanks? That was insightful. Thanks for letting me know I’m unoriginal! Wanna fuck now?!

This thing isn’t giving me much to work with. All it’s saying is that you like The Dark Knight. I am having difficulty making conversation out of just that. But I suppose Heath Ledger’s final performance is conversation worthy. – Do you even want to send me a message? You realize it isn’t mandatory, right?

I think it’s funny that you love semicolons yet you don’t have any in your profile haha. – Maybe there was no place to fit in a semicolon since I like to think I know when they’re appropriately used and there is no grammatical context for one on this profile, fucker. Think before you speak.

hah everybody and their brother likes modest mouse, it’s a given – You and that Brand New guy should consider hanging out sometime, that wouldn’t the most annoying meeting of two minds ever.

Well all that matters is are you hot? Because just like Kanye, I am a shallow bastard. – Uhhhh…is this supposed to merit a response? I don’t think it does.

But I’m mostly just sending this because the profile completion meter bugs the fuck out of me. Y’seem reasonably cool, regardless. – Again, it is not mandatory to send out messages. I don’t care if the completion meter bugs the fuck out of you, learn to ignore it because there was no point to this and you clearly had no interest in actually messaging me. Also thanks for putting me at the level of “reasonably” cool, that’s really sweet of you, you’re winning me over.

You sound like a complete loser – Thanks, I guess. Like what? Why did you take the time out of your day to check out my profile and then tell me this? Or are you trying to be funny and cute and are saying this so I’ll message you and get defensive? No but seriously, I think you’re just calling me a loser and there’s no place for negativity on the internet.

I think feminism is like the derivative of abs(x): Not well defined. – My problem with this is that it was the whole message. Like you can’t elaborate for me?

I’m cool with equal rights, pay, and being fair, but most if not all feminists disregard inherent differences in a man and a woman which make us individual and unique, I feel currently they are the worst thing for the American Culture! – This is actually one of the only messages I’ve ever responded to on the website. I said “get the fuck away from my profile” and then blocked this guy. I don’t even care if he was purposely being a dick as a clever way to start a conversation, I have no time for fuckery like this.

hey, im chris. I feel like I am terrible at righting these messages… I never know what to say! – Then leave me alone and don’t say anything! lolol. Also, “righting”. That is all.

– I don’t understand what you want/are doing with yourself:

Im sure you get about 300 Messages a day by random guys saying “You’re so cute” and i dont wanna be one of those random 300 so im here to be completely different. Im here to tell you that i think you’re UGLY! lol haha Yes i think you’re ugly.. so ugly that i would love to talk to you some more and possible get to know you better 😉 I hope to hear back from you soon.– right, I see what you’re doing…but it’s not working. Please move along.

hey for some reason you look really familiar i can’t make it out lol? – lol? Okay? You didn’t even elaborate, how am I just supposed to know why I look familiar to you? I have no idea who you are. Also, it’s an automatic turn off when a guy says “lol” in seriousness. Everyone should know that by now, it’s not 2001.

Hey aliana you seem like you might be a fun girl. We should meet up for a few drinks. Send me your number and we’ll make plans – Right so you just get right to the point. Don’t even want to exchange a series of messages, you just want my number and to get me drunk. Also, I seem like I “might” be a fun girl. That’s what every woman wants to hear. Plus, you spelled my name wrong. That’s a real turn on right there, even though I specifically wrote something about people getting my name wrong all the time in my profile. YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT ME.

Hey, I like the profile. What’s up with the serial killers though? Are you one of those girls who sends love letters to guys on death row? – Uhhhh…no…no I’m not…is that the response you’re looking for?

I’m moving up to mass soon. How is the weather there :O – Why the fuck did you make that weird face at the end of the sentence? I’m not even calling it a question since you didn’t add a question mark. You actually didn’t even add a period so I don’t think I can even consider it a sentence. But seriously, what’s the point of that face?

Hi; I’m Kyle; Wanted to say hey and see what’s up; Message me back sometime if you would like to talk; I figured I’d add unnecessary semicolons for you haha 🙂 – Okay, buddy, if I wrote in my profile that I like semicolons (which I did because that’s a normal thing to tell potential suitors right off the bat), why would you unnecessarily add a bunch of them to a sentence? Wouldn’t you think that means I like when they’re used correctly? I also mentioned I was an English major. What are you not putting together? Why would this blatant lack of grammatical common sense be a turn on for me?

– What?:

What sorts of things do you enjoy going out and doing at night? Clubbing, bar hopping, partying, or going out and doing other random stuff in the dark? – Uh…yeah I’m gonna say not going out and doing other random stuff in the dark. That’s one of the creepiest fucking sentences ever put together, I’m nervous you’re going to murder me. I picture us meeting up at laser tag (it’s dark there, right?) and then you murdering me. This is all on you.

My names Chris, you look interesting 😉 *ting* – Why did you write *ting*? I don’t get it. Is that a thing? Does it mean anything?

So, you’re obviously a wicked sexy girl. Whats guy got to say in a message that you actually give a fuck to respond to him? Does he need to be sweet or witty? Promise to be a sugar daddy or just tell you how cute you are and say “lets chat.” – Doesn’t matter what you do, stranger, I’m never going to respond to you ever. And this isn’t the approach you should take with any female, I’m not dying to let you know anytime soon.

Hii will it be a nice idea if we meet up sometime for a coffee? – Hii I don’t know will it be? Why is this questioned phrased like this? It probably won’t be a good idea for us to meet up sometime for a coffee, but I’m not going to waste your time by telling you that.

Speaking of your profile, I was pretty surprised I didn’t see Britney Spears anywhere on it, I kind of get a Britney vibe from you in your photos. – What the fuck does this even mean? Like excuse me? I don’t understand what you’re getting at. Like I’m genuinely confused by this statement, how does my profile give off this vibe at all? What is this vibe? Who are you?

Message title: I got a million ways to get it… choose one. – Uuuhhhh…why is this the title of the message? A million ways to get what? I can’t choose a way to get it if I don’t know what “it” is. Explain further. Are you talking about my vagina? Because it seems like you might be talking about my vagina.

im Dave i just wanted to say hello , im a cop in the Berkshires im not a Perv or a Scumbag like may others on here . I really just wanted to say that you are a great young woman and dont change that – Thanks Dave, cop in the Berkshires, I’ll make sure to not change being a great young woman. I appreciate that you’re not a perv or scumbag like many others on there. Like what the hell? What a weird thing to tell someone in a message on a dating website, are you my dad or something? (I really hope you’re not my dad, that would be creepy beyond belief. Thankfully my dad’s not named Dave, so I’m pretty sure we’re all in the clear here).

Read you profile and you seem really interesting and hope to find out more. Also have 3 piercings – Why the fuck did you just arbitrarily add that you also have three piercings? Why did you write “also” before the statement as if it was adding onto another point? Why do I need to know this? Is this something that you immediately tell women when trying to get to know them? Why is this vital information? Are you under the impression that I have three piercings and that’s why you wrote “also”? I’m lost.

You have great teeth. With what frequency would you say you floss? – Average…I will give this guy credit for thinking out of the box with this compliment/conversation starter, never heard this one before.

hilarious profile. Took you…5 minutes? haha. – Is this a good or bad thing? How long is it supposed to take to put dating profiles together? Is it embarrassing if it took five minutes? Does that make it seem like I tried too hard and thought about it too much? Because I didn’t, I’m just witty as fuck and whipped that shit out on my profile. Or are you saying that my profile actually isn’t that nice and I put no effort into it? Why do I have no answers to these questions?

– No:

Damn girl you are cute. Want to write a screenplay with me? – I’d really rather not, dear.

Your a cutie, I dont think your snooty, I don’t know what to say so don’t think I’m fruity. Holla Back. – Yeah, I won’t be hollering back. This rhyme is grammatically incorrect and also insulting. Why would I think you’re “fruity” for not knowing what to say? Are you using “fruity” in the sense of gay people? That’s rude, I’m an ally, I don’t need this rap from you. Also this is just embarrassing and I will let everyone know that this kid’s profile picture looks like a ten year old.

I’d love to be friends..annnnnd talk on AIM sometime? i dont think watertown is that far away and id love to get to know the area. hope to hear from you soon alaina. byeee. p.s im a wicked dork.why are you adding so many extra letters to words? Stop that. I don’t get why that’s happening. And why are you questioning if you’d love to talk on AIM sometime on top of being friends? I don’t find you very genuine, sir. Also, thanks for alerting me of your identity as a “wicked dork”. Thank god you added the “wicked” in or I might be in the dark as to what caliber dork you are. Dodged a bullet there. 

Missed Instant Message(s) Dec 16, 2009 – 12:37am
Raintree123: Truth or dare – Nope. Seriously, just nope. Not even bothering.

I’m online your online we should talk Apr 12, 2010 – 1:07am
So I am sitting here buzzed from partying and I am bored but alone at home now you should come and take advantage of me.I’d rather not but thanks for the offer, I guess. Don’t know where you even were necessarily in relation to me, probably would have been a bit of a hike for me. And this was from 2010 so I definitely didn’t have a car to drive. I was also probably drunk. Literally nothing about this offer is appealing, I’m just making excuses at this point.

How are you? You seem like both a positive and intelligent person, so I thought I would send a quick message. – Literally the only reason why this message is posted on here is because this guy thinks I seem like a “positive person”. My profile is sarcastic, self-deprecating, and cynical as shit, where the hell on there did this person see any slight hint of positivity? I talk about the fact that I have a cash cans for profit, that can’t be taken seriously by anyone. This poor, misguided soul.

wats up. What umass skool u going to? I got to umass lowell. – Yeah I don’t think you’re going to any school with the way you’re spelling there, kid. “wats” “skool” “u”. I don’t understand how typing any of those words makes life easier than typing out the actual spelling. Also, “I got to umass Lowell”. I assume you definitely meant to write “I go to umass Lowell”, but the fact that you didn’t double-check your message and edit it for grammatical mistakes is a complete turn-off for me. You didn’t have me at “wats up”.

I usually don’t go off of match percentages and just assume and hope the higher the kinkier, lol. – Yeah not even 100% sure how this even makes sense. Unless you mean that you’re kinky as fuck and so if we have a high match, that means I must be, too. I’m not interested in that, get your mind out of the gutter and take this filth elsewhere.

You seem really fun, I just wanna date ya! You live in Watertown and that’s the only reason I’m asking but, are you Armenian? – No, I am not Armenian. Thank you for caring and knowing one fact about my poor town.

– Old men:

Wow, I think you’re very attractive…
I know you probably weren’t looking for one, but does the idea of a sugar daddy appeal to you?
Just wondering,
Robert ‘-)Unless you look like george Clooney, no, a sugar daddy does not appeal to me. My aunt marilyn had a sugar daddy once (it doesn’t make sense because I usually picture one with a sugar daddy as being young and she certainly was not) and she walked in on him cheating on her with her best friend. It was like a scene from a soap opera. I don’t need that in my life. Also, I assume you’re really creepy and gross if you’re trying to pick me up off of a free dating website. And you clearly knew I was 20 at the time. Yeah, I don’t want you messaging me again.

*The following four messages are all from the same man:

you are really cute! you talk to older guys? – Doesn’t even try to sell himself, just jumps right into it. Part of me has to admire that.

hey sup Jun 4, 2010 – 8:17am
i just read your profile. i love kanye, i procrastinate, and i love to have a good time. you sound fun. what’s the oldest you have talked to?I don’t even need to know how old you are, just absolutely not. I have an age range listed in my profile of who I want to talk to, refer to that and never message me again. Also, why were you sending me a message at 8:17am? I wonder what your day is like.

hey i love your new pic. you look very nice in pink. – Okay thanks, but go away if I didn’t respond the first time.

anthonycarter: hey sup!
anthonycarter: you are so cute
anthonycarter: do you date older guys? 

shuup girl, 
Im stephen, you seem legit, how you doin?
You’re a little young I’m a little old but lets still be bff, or bump uglies… your call. – Like…what? Excuse me? To all of this? So confusing…so so confusing…I don’t want anything to do with you. And I seem “legit”? Like thanks, I guess. What does one do to seem “legit”? I want to know so I can put it on my resumé, it sounds impressive.

youre pretty, do you want someone to spoil you? – Once again, only if you look like george Clooney. Or you’re possibly anyone on a list of “foxy over fifty” celebrities. Like I assume I don’t want an older man on OkCupid spoiling me or even interacting with me.

you are so pretty… are you into older guys at all? – Again…if you read my profile…I have an age range of who I’m interested in…and if you have to ask…I assume you do not fall within that range…so please leave me in peace to die alone. Thank you.

handsome tall open-minded professor? Jun 4, 2009 – 1:44pm
Hi alaina- I liked your profile! I am a tall and fit professor, 45, live in Boston. I am looking for friends, lovers, depending on how we match. Hopefully much more than a 1 time thing. If this sounds interesting, and you liked my profile, please say hi and I will send pics-James – Why did you put a question mark at the end of your subject? Are you not sure if you’re a handsome tall open-minded professor (no commas necessary, apparently)? Also, I can’t help but notice the date on this message. I was 18 when this was sent to me and if he had looked at my profile, he would have been well aware of that. Not creepy at all, don’t know why I didn’t hit this guy up. Actually, it’s probably because he claims he’s a professor, but none of his syntax makes sense. That has to be it. No other reason.


But my friends and loved ones, those were only the tip of the creepster iceberg that OkCupid has to offer. And so now, here it is. What you’ve all been waiting for. The juggernaut. The holy grail of all OkCupid messages. I’m sorry, did you forget what I’m talking about? I realize this post is long and it may have faded from your memory, so I’ll feel free to refresh. I once received a message on OkCupid that literally concerned me and kind of scared me. And now. I will share that. With you. America. Europe. India. Wherever. I am sharing this. With you. Hold on. To your fucking hats. Kids.

The message will be entirely bolded because I think that adds to its existence.

A dominant man for you 
Aug 12, 2010 – 9:49pm

You’ve no doubt received hundreds of messages by now without finding one that made you tense with the recognition that you have found a man capable of both control and cruelty.

Until now.

I look at your profile, and I recognize your type of slut. The abuse that you crave is so extreme, so unacceptable to the outside world, that to even talk about it cheapens it. No scene can approach the violent and humiliating fantasies in your head, because you would always have a safeword, you would always feel just a little bit silly dealing with a man who would accept your limits, who would subject his power to any sort of restraint.

I accept no restraint, and I need none. I delight in taking a woman and turning her into a bitch, a panting, whining, needy little cunt who begs for pain and orgasms and more tasks to complete to please me. Because whatever other women might be good for, you and I both know that sluts like you are only worth anything when they’re pleasing their Master.

Are you ready to please, little slut?

Sooooooo…there’s a lot going on here. I received this message when I was 20, essentially still a baby (how I’ve aged in two and a half years), and it actually disturbed me. This is just flat out creepy. Like what the actual fuck? Is there a response to this? If so, I don’t even want to know what that response is and I don’t want to give it. A message like this raises a lot of questions for me. How did I come off as a slut? What on my profile gave you that impression? Is there a problem with being a slut? Don’t slut shame, asshole. Don’t message me in general, I’m now terrified. Everything about this message is demeaning, which is the point, but that’s not the kind of woman I am. I don’t appreciate demeaning literature from disturbed strangers. But there’s a few more things I need to know here. I need to know if this message was written specifically for me, and if so, again, why? Why would this have been written for me? Why did someone feel the need to waste their time doing this? I’m sorry about your social life if that’s the case. But if this was not written for me specifically (fingers crossed on that one, muchachos), how many other women has this person sent this to? Can I get a complete list with all of their names on it? Can we band together to form a support group because of the emotional scarring this letter has caused? I just will never understand why a message like this would need to be created and then actually sent.

So there it is, boys and girls, that message right there is the main reason I will never trust anyone on OkCupid. Because for everyone who seems sane, there are the crazies out there who don’t even try to hide it, who let their freak flags fly high, but not in a good way. The world is full of some real insane human beings (myself not included, I’m my own brand of mentally unstable), and I think we’ve found a gathering place for them to all play together. That place is OkCupid, and once you’ve stepped a toe inside, there’s no coming back.

Oh also, I wouldn’t date anyone on this site because it seems pretty apparent that no one has anything higher than a third grade education. I’m a college educated human being, I need a guy who’s going to know the difference between “your” and “you’re” and I’m not finding them on OkCupid. Sorry I’m not sorry, swesties.

Pennster out.

a clever title about the irony of a show called “the real world”

26 Mar

For some reason, a new season of “The Real World” begins on Wednesday, and for another reason unkown to me, they are filming in Portland. Why? Just why? Well, whatever the reason, in honor of this occasion, MTV made the incredible decision to air older seasons of “The Real World” over this past weekend. On Saturday, there was a marathon of the original “Real World Las Vegas” from 2002 and on Sunday, they aired “Real World San Francisco” from 1994. MTV did a pretty solid job of fucking up any chance of productivity I was going to have. I spent literally over an hour arguing with myself if I was going to work out because I really wanted to watch Vegas and I don’t have cable in the room I work out in. In case you’re wondering, television shockingly won out, and I stayed confined to my bed for as long as humanly possible, basking in the glory of the early 00’s drama and straight up astounding wardrobe choices (so many bandanas and terribly fitted and designed pants).

Seriously. Those pants.

Seriously. Those pants.

People, no one, whoever I am addressing who could possibly reading this blog (but I find that highly doubtful), I cannot even begin to explain to you how different “The Real World” is now from how it used to be. It’s as if it’s an entirely different show. I actually think they should give it a new name, since the world on the show now clearly does not depict real life (yeah, I went there. You knew it was coming, and there it is. The irony of the name). Even from the two seasons I watched, the shows were different. It had to evolve (unfortunately really) over time, and this marathon just showed me how asinine and degenerate both the casts and show itself have become.

“The Real World Las Vegas” was actually the first season of the show I ever watched. I was 12 and absolutely should have not been watching the show. I had no place there. I had no idea what a three-way was and it occurred like three episodes in. I was in for a world that I would not understand for years to come. Or even now, really. Irulan, my favorite, was in an open relationship. Not to undermine anyone in an open relationship, but I don’t get that shit. Either commit or break up, don’t keep it open ended. That’s just being greedy as fuck. But, it left room for her to engage in the romance of a lifetime with Alton and not feel too guilty about it (they didn’t have the romance of a lifetime, I just like to idolize their relationship in my head because they were so cute together). This group of people was all about drinking, getting wasted, having sex, etc etc, what we’ve come to know (and hate) about the show in recent years, but unlike what I’ve seen recently, the show did try to actually deal with other issues. Pretty much every cast member had a deep dark past that was explored. Three of the female roommates had eating disorders, one of the male roommates had been molested when he was younger and was homophobic because of it, another roommate’s mother died when she was 14 and she never felt like her father thought she was good enough. Along with this, there was drama other than who was hooking up with whom on the show, such as Trishelle thinking she might be pregnant. That shit right there got real. No other season recently has dealt with anything like that, I think, or at least not seriously (I’m not the best authority on this because my interest in the show has waned over the past few repetitive years). Alton’s ex-girlfriend before coming on the show thought she might be pregnant. Everyone thought they were pregnant apparently. I feel like in recent seasons also, there is a cast member that everyone bands together to hate, or they don’t all genuinely like one another, but I feel like this cast actually did bond and grow to love one another, despite their problems. Also, their outfits were hilarious. The early 00’s were a terrible time to be alive and wear clothes. I know from experience. That was the height of my ugliness. But the original Vegas season just had a different feel from it than the newer ones. Aside from Brynn throwing a fork at Steven (hysterical, he had frosted tips), the housemates weren’t getting into fights with each other or anyone else every single night. The house didn’t get destroyed. They still had to go to their jobs and work. They had to pay their bills still and had money problems. The show was just a lot less surface than it is now.

I unfortunately couldn't find any worthwhile pictures of their outfits :(

I unfortunately couldn’t find anymore worthwhile pictures of their outfits 😦

Now, turning to an even different show, the 1994 season in San Francisco was literally like nothing I’d seen. I had never watched the season before, but had known about it because it was famous for housemates Puck and Pedro. Puck was a dick and got kicked out of the house because of his disrespect of pretty much everyone, but mostly Pedro, who was HIV positive. Pedro actually died months after the show aired and it’s incredible to me now that his story could have been documented in such a way, especially in the early 90’s, where although the stigma of HIV as a “gay disease” was wearing off, it was also very prevalent still. You’d think that since we’ve evolved as a society (I guess, we’re at least supposed to think that) since ’94, the show would portray someone like Pedro today. But really, I don’t think that’s what the show is about anymore. On this season of “The Real World”, the housemates literally carried on with their every day lives, but lived in a house together. Some of the housemates were students and still had to go to class, they had to go to their jobs that they already had, they had fun days out at the park, or roller blading and riding their bikes. They went rock climbing, Puck’s replacement, Jo, had to go to court because she had a restraining order on her ex-husband. It was literally people living their real lives, but just in a shared environment with new people. They weren’t just there to get drunk and have random hookups with people. These people were there to have an actual life altering experience for the better. My friend Amanda was texting me during the marathon and she pointed out that a difference between the ’94 cast and the cast of today is that these people actually had dreams and ambitions and were going about furthering their fulfillment. The casts of today don’t have those same desires, it seems. Sure we get our “wants to be a public activist” or “wants to catapult their career in music/entertainment industry” every once in a while, but really, the people on the show are there to be assholes for a few months on MTV’s dime. It’s just crazy how the show has changed. Another difference is that to be on the show now, it seems like the cast members have to have amazing bodies and be particularly good looking (by MTV’s standards. I could point out some uggos for you, though). On San Francisco, everyone was just a regular looking person. They weren’t all models thrown in a house together; they were average joes just living their lives. And there was something so incredible about watching that.

So. Much. Denim.

So. Much. Denim.

Watching the older seasons made me sad that our culture has advanced (or declined, really) in the way that it has. Obviously, “The Real World” was revolutionary and the first show of its kind at its time. They had license to do what they wanted and not have to worry about competition from other networks, so it was possible to create an amazing season about the social issues it covered in the earlier seasons. However, over time, as other stations created other shows to compete, MTV had to push the risk-factor, had to include more sexuality, drinking, and drama. This was apparent in the late 90’s and early 00’s, as Vegas was definitely a different season from San Francisco, but still, it had some heart. You didn’t immediately hate all of the housemates. They may have had their off moments, but there was something to like about everyone that lived in the house. Now, it seems the more unlikable a person is, the more likely they are to be cast for the show. The more likely they are to cause drama, have random sex, steal someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend, not give a fuck about repercussions, start fights, get black out, go to jail, etc, the more likely they are to be first in the house. It just makes me sad. Every season there’s a housemate who doesn’t really get that much air time, and it’s because they are the least dramatic and therefore, the most likable as a human being. They are also probably the most likely to do something beneficial for the world (in my opinion, who knows really). If you’re not going to be a mess the entire time, you’re not going to be recognized as a cast mate.

So this retro rewind to the glory days of “The Real World” did not get me excited to watch the new season of the show. Instead, it made me nostalgic for how it used to be, and I wish there was a station that only aired old seasons of the show. That’s what MTV should really consider doing instead of whatever the hell it’s doing now. It’s also just upsetting that the show has changed the way it has also represents our culture changing in the same ways. We are in such a sad, disparate, drinking, regressive culture. We’re not moving forward anymore. For every step forward of social activism there is, there’s twenty steps back from girls who say they’d let Chris Brown punch them if he kissed them after, or from guys who still think that it’s funny to make jokes about sexual abuse against women. I feel like we should be learning and we need to be learning, but instead, we’re being fed garbage. We’ve seen what “The Real World” is capable of with seasons like San Francisco, yet we’re stuck with the Neanderthals in the current seasons instead. And unfortunately, as much as I’d love to see a season like San Francisco happen again, I know it wouldn’t stand a chance surviving in our current market. That’s just sad to think about. I may sound like a hypocrite because I’m unfortunately living the life of some of the current “Real World” casts (I enjoy the occasional beer or sixteen), but as I was maturing and growing up, that’s how the seasons were evolving. The show has probably shaped me in ways I didn’t even realize, and now, this is where I am, when instead, maybe I could have been a doctor like Pam from San Francisco (that’s how life works, don’t argue this logic, “The Real World” decided who I am as a person now).

This is all the show is now. And it's making me jealous that I'm not in a hot tub drinking right now. I blame "The Real World" for all of my problems.

This is all the show is now. And it’s making me jealous that I’m not in a hot tub drinking right now. I blame “The Real World” for all of my problems.

crash test dummies

25 Mar

I always drive over the speed limit because I am terrified of killing someone with my car while driving. Both things are illegal, so I’d rather choose the option that doesn’t put me in jail. My friend Rachael said that she understood where I was coming from, but the more she thought about it, my logic didn’t fully make sense. If I’m terrified of killing someone, wouldn’t I drive as carefully as possible? The answer would obviously seem to be “yes”, but for me, it’s “no, I want to get from point A to point B so badly so I don’t even have the chance for vehicular homicide”.

My problem with driving is that other drivers exist. If I’ve learned anything from my father, it’s that everything everyone else does while driving is wrong. However, unlike my father, I am well aware that everything I do while driving is also wrong, and that I am a horrible driver. So, don’t think that I’m thinking highly of myself, I know that everyone on the road is a horrible driver. Life would be easier if it was just me driving, no one else was, there were no stop lights, and there were no speed limits. That’s really all I want, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask for. Or at least if the speed limit was 40. That would just get me from point A to point B even faster. The less time I spend on the road, the better for everyone else.

I drive through Boston a lot, as it is a requirement of my lucrative career as a part-time babysitter. Drivers in Boston are maniacs, especially taxi drivers, and they seem to have no consideration for other drivers on the road. In fact, I’m kind of convinced at this point that everyone thinks they are on the road alone and that no rules apply to them, they are instead allowed to follow whatever set of rules they decide for themselves while driving. It’s horrible, I often make audible sounds of fear while attempting to maneuver my way around the city, and Sofia, the girl I babysit, makes fun of me for it. I can’t help it, I just tend to make sounds despite what emotion I’m feeling, but the fear of being hit by another car causes me to make some pretty terrible low-pitch grunts. (Side note, Sofia doesn’t understand how amazing it is when I find incredible parking in close proximity to where we’re going in the city. Or if the parallel parking job I do is complete on the first try, I don’t even need to go and straighten myself back out another sixty times to make sure that I’m parked correctly. It’s frustrating only because I want as much praise and recognition for doing such a stellar job of driving and parking.)

I got my license when I was 19 rather than 16, and the man who administered my test told me afterward that he actually should have failed me, but instead, he was passing me. I didn’t question it, I just apologized and thanked him. My father yelled at me immediately and actually made me cry moments before my license picture was taken, so that’s a really fond memory of mine. But this just shows that since the beginning of my driving career, I have always been bad at it. I was not meant to drive. Me behind the wheel means less hope for those out wandering the streets surviving the night.

Also, don’t even get me started on bicyclists. I don’t understand what rules of the road they follow, if any. I would assume if they are going to waste so much space planted in the middle of the road like us regular cars, they would follow the same rules of waiting at red lights and only turning when allowed. However, I’ve seen bikes go through red lights when they felt like going, some bikes ride on sidewalks, others ride opposite of the flow of traffic. I JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT.  Once, I almost hit a bicyclist while driving because the man on the bike could not decide if he wanted to be in the actual lane or near the sidewalk, and he flipped me off. Instead of being a normal, rational, apologetic human being who has realized that they have almost murdered someone on a bicycle, I flipped the man off in return out of impulse. I thought I was going to escape him, however, I was forced to sit at a red light after turning the corner and the man caught up to me and yelled at me through my window, asking “YOU FUCKIN FLIPPED ME THE BIRD?!” I was pretty convinced that the man was going to take down my plate number and report me to some higher authority, or perhaps follow me home and attack my car, yet instead, he just rode his bike on through the red light. So right there. Although I should feel bad that I almost killed someone and know that I am entirely in the wrong in this situation, this man was trying to pretend he was a car, and then just went through a red light. MAKE UP YOUR MIND, SIR. ARE YOU A CAR OR ARE YOU A BIKE? I will forever hate bicyclists, mostly for their indecision.

I cannot wait to live in a city where I do not have to drive. I would much rather rely on a public transportation system that is conveniently located close enough to wherever I am than to have to drive myself from place to place, putting all of those around me in danger. The sooner I am off the road, the better. May peace be with you, and also with you.

UPDATE: I was just driving home from work and I realized I forgot to mention something on here: I fucking HATE when people don’t use their blinkers. It’s just flat out rude. So there’s also that.

love means never having to say you’re sorry

23 Mar

Since I’m bored and feel the need to procrastinate before doing anything (the case today is that I know I need to work out, but I just discovered that a “Real World” marathon of the first season of Las Vegas is on, and that’s the first season I ever watched so I HAVE to watch it again now), I’ve decided to read through my old posts on this blog. I want to send out a formal and sincere apology to anyone who actually reads this and has read my older posts through my newer ones. I apologize because reading these old posts, I see that I was much better at writing about a month ago and also had much more personality while writing. Not sure what’s happened to me in the past month or so, but my last four posts were pretty poorly written and poorly researched, and I was kind of just rambling, which is what I always do, but I was not nearly as endearing while rambling as I usually am (I guess that’s what happens when you sloppily write four posts on completely different subjects in less than an hour). I think that it’s because all I am passionate about right now is drag queens and “RuPaul’s Drag Race”, but I know there’s only a limited amount of posts I can write on the subject before people start to ignore me entirely. Sad, but I feel that’s true.

So this is my cassette I’m sending out, I hope you hear it. Wait, sorry, just thought I was Stan in the Eminem smash hit “Stan” for a second. But seriously, sorry for the lackluster writing on my part. Guess I’m lucky that no one reads this poor excuse for a blog, otherwise I’d have some pretty pissed off followers on my hand.

I solemnly promise to try to get out of the funk I’ve been in so I can return to the self-depricating but so wonderfully adorable blogger I once was. Take this as a token of my sincerity:

Now you KNOW I mean business.

Now you KNOW I mean business.

friends forever, but ditch the dweeb

21 Mar

I was recently looking at a list of characters on tv shows that “we all secretly wished would get together” (I can’t find the link for it, so I apologize to the zero people reading this, and you can feel free to sue me). While I agreed with many of the selections, one pairing stood out to me that made me sick. That pairing was Screech Powers and Lisa Turtle from “Saved by the Bell”. Seeing this pair put on that list made me sad and also allowed me to lose what little bit of faith I had in this world.

Lisa hates EVERYTHING about the idea of her and Screech as a couple. EVERYTHING.

Lisa hates EVERYTHING about the idea of her and Screech as a couple. EVERYTHING.

I think one of my least favorite characters to ever be created is Screech from “Saved By the Bell”. I just find that he never adds anything but annoyance to a situation, and his character is perpetually stupid and unbelievable. Obviously, “Saved By the Bell” wasn’t wasting any time trying to be realistic, but I don’t care. No one would ever hang out with Screech, and DEFINITELY not the crew on the show. Those kids were cool, they were athletes and models and had a band. Those kids would never in a million years give Screech the time a day. And even if they did at the beginning because Screech was friends with Zack when he was younger, they would very quickly grow out of being his friend and start ignoring his annoying ass. They probably spent more time being pissed off at Screech about some stupid shit he did than they spent actually enjoying his company. What was there to enjoy? He sounded and looked stupid and always found a way to mess literally everything up (don’t care if I’m using “literally” in a hyperbolic sense here, it’s almost a true statement).

Oh my god I want to cause him bodily harm.

Oh my god I want to cause him bodily harm.

What demon created you?

What demon created you?

Seriously, he does not belong with this group of hotties. That random old guy makes more sense hanging out with them than Screech does.

Seriously, he does not belong with this group of hotties. That random old guy makes more sense hanging out with them than Screech does.

Now, let’s talk about Lisa Turtle. Lisa was entirely underappreciated on the show. She was on a list of annoying characters on some website I was looking at (can’t find that link either, you can all suck it), and I don’t understand how she made the list but Screech didn’t. Lisa was a fashionista, she was cute, and she always had all the hot gossip. However, this girl did not get her dues. She was always paired off with Screech, despite her disdain for him. She always got the shaft, while Kelly and Jessie were off hooking up with Zack and Slater. I don’t understand why. Obviously, Kelly was a babe and Jessie had that glamazon thing going on despite her horrible wardrobe, but Lisa was a total package and none of these guys ever realized it. I just felt bad for her.

Girl knows how to look GOOD.

Girl knows how to look GOOD.

I guess Jessie needed more attention from guys because she had that crippling caffeine pill addiction that one time.

I guess Jessie needed more attention from guys because she had that crippling caffeine pill addiction that one time.

There was one episode in like the last season where Lisa and Zack make out, but that romance fades before it even begins, and it’s just unfair. The two of them totally should have gotten together for real. She deserved it. Zack was a fox and she was a high-class woman. Lisa Turtle didn’t need to be thrown to the side at every turn and be stuck going as Screech’s date to the movies or to the dance. You can tell that Lisa more than anyone didn’t even want to be Screech’s friend, and I think she should have gotten her way and just stopped hanging out with him. It was almost forceful the way she had to hang out with him, she didn’t even pretend to enjoy his company. And I love that about Lisa. A girl after my own heart.

The good ol' day. Singular. One day.

The good ol’ day. Singular. One day.

More than I love Lisa Turtle, I just really hate Screech. I don’t watch the show as often as I once did (I was watching for two hours every day like two months ago), but I will never lose my hatred for Screech. He was probably genuinely funny one time on the entirety of the show. There was an episode of “Saved By the Bell: The College Years” (I’ve seen every episode multiple times for some reason), in which he steals a girl away from Zack. Excuse me? We’re supposed to believe that would happen? Not only is Zack foxy as shit AND a smooth motherfucker, but Screech is awkward and consistently obnoxious. WHO WOULD WANT THAT IN THEIR LIFE?  Not me, that’s for damn sure. There was an episode of the original show where Kelly thought she had feelings for Screech, and that really just embarrassed me more than anything. Poor girl, all mixed up. So embarrassing. Thankfully she came to her right mind and obviously ends up with Zack, but that was a really terrifying lapse in judgment for that one episode. There’s almost no coming back from that.

I don't think it's even possible to compare these two, they're essentially different species.

I don’t think it’s even possible to compare these two, they’re essentially different species.

Ultimately, Lisa should have gotten shown more respect by the writers and by her friends and Screech should have been kept at a far distance from her (and everyone, really) at all times. Preferably underground. What I’m saying is Screech should have been killed off. That would have solved everyone’s problem. Or mostly mine, but really, I’m selfish and I should get what I want, no questions asked. I really don’t think the show would have changed in any possible way if Screech was no longer there, except maybe we’d have less episodes with entirely asinine storylines devoted to him. The world would really be a better place today if that could have just happened.

A little bit tighter there, Zack...

A little bit tighter there, Zack…

style for style, crazy for crazy

21 Mar

Do you ever wonder what exactly has happened in your life to shape you into the person that you are now? This is essentially just me talking to myself since I know that my readers are non-existent, but allow me to explain myself, no one. I look back and I am so different now as a person than I was even a year ago. I understand that is a part of growing up and maturing, but I just want an answer to what exactly switched in my brain, when it happened, and what turned me into the human being (robot/alien hybrid) I am today.

If you google "alien robot" this image comes up. I'd say it's accurate to describing me.

If you google “alien robot” this image comes up. I’d say it’s accurate to describing me.

I really like to think that I am a hallucination because I am so ridiculous a person, but I have a feeling that is not true and that I actually do exist in real life. Sometimes I wish that weren’t the case; I think it would be more interesting if I wasn’t real and someone was just making me up. That probably makes no sense, but it’s how my brain works, and I’m sorry for that. I’d honestly be concerned for the person who made me up, I’m a pretty confusing person and I have done some messed up things that no one should ever be proud of.

But obviously, every person has been through so much in his or her life to shape them into the person they will eventually become. I really hope that this isn’t my final self and I have more growing to do, because I don’t know how happy I am with who I am right now. I just want someone to sit me down and go through point by point and tell me what exactly the experiences that shaped me were. I feel like nothing that life altering has ever happened to me, so I want to know what these subtle experiences were that had such a proficient affect on who I am and what I’ve done. Because I have done some really questionable stuff, in the last year especially, and I want answers as to “why?”. So much of what I’ve done, I would have never even thought about doing two years ago, so what has happened that suddenly my brain finds it acceptable? In a sober light, I would never find it acceptable, but in the moment, my brain always seems to think whatever I’m doing okay. Then I am left the next day to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. Good thing no one reads this, otherwise I could really sound crazy and self-loathing.

Luckily for everyone in the world, I am crazy and self-loathing. So at least I have that to get me through the day.

Me on a good day. Complete hallucination

Me on a good day. Complete hallucination.

the rise and fall of “girls”

21 Mar

WARNING: Spoilerz ahead!!!

When “Girls” premiered last year, I was immediately on board. From the first preview of the show, I knew I needed to see it and that I was going to fall in love with it. I was correct; I did love the show and watched all of the episodes multiple times. Obviously, the show drew connections to “Sex and the City” before it even premiered, as they are both based around four white women in New York. However, as someone who loves “Sex and the City” but gets extremely angry whenever Carrie’s lifestyle isn’t explained and she’s somehow not always on the brink of bankruptcy, I was interested in seeing how “Girls” would tackle living in New York more realistically.

Sorry, totally irrelevant, but I just need to remind people that Carrie Bradshaw once wore this outfit.

Sorry, totally irrelevant, but I just need to remind people that Carrie Bradshaw once wore this outfit.

The show did not disappoint in the first season. Aside from one or two episodes (aka when Hannah went home, I just didn’t get it or like it, and then the entire season finale which just didn’t make sense to me), I was hooked and dying for January so the show would come back for the second season. I wanted to know what was going to happen with these four women who were surely going to be going through a myriad of changes in their lives.

The good ol' days.

The good ol’ days.

Well, I had high hopes for the second season, but they all went to shit. I found myself increasingly angry with Hannah as a character, wondering where Jessa was, wanting Marnie to stop existing because everything she did made me uncomfortable, and wishing that more had happened in the episodes, because seriously, not much was happening in these episodes. There were only a total of two out of the ten episodes this past season of “Girls” that I actually liked, and I feel that’s never a good thing. Where last season I found Hannah funnier and more relatable, I found myself thinking that Lena Dunham was making it her personal mission to make Hannah as unlikable as possible. The episode where Hannah stayed with that doctor she had just met for the entire weekend solidified my hatred for her. I just did not want the show to revolve around his character, but I knew that I was stuck having to deal with that. I hate that they decided to give Hannah OCD with three episodes left in the season. I understand that OCD can go away and come back depending on life stress situations, but really? No mention of it AT ALL? And then all of a sudden, it’s this huge deal? Like, no. That just made Hannah more annoying. Add another annoying quirk to her already loathsome character. Also, Hannah puncturing her eardrum with the q-tip and then doing it again knowingly to the other ear made me physically ill, I just hated every moment of that experience.

Season 1 Hannah: totally relatable

Season 1 Hannah: totally relatable

What bothers me also is that Hannah went from being relatable to just being flat out pathetic. You can tell that Hannah thinks she is incredible, despite what she had said about herself in the first season, and it’s just frustrating. I did not need to see her yelling at Marnie that Marnie is the bad friend because she had sex with Hannah’s gay ex-boyfriend. Like excuse me? Your gay ex-boyfriend? Really? (Also, I hated that storyline in general because that just does not happen in real life, gay men do not just randomly hook up with straight women because they’re both attractive). That was pathetic of her. Hannah is no prized friend herself. And when she told that doctor man that she is “too sensitive” and “too not crazy”, I wanted to tear my eyes out. Hannah does this thing where she is pathetic and annoying and so extraordinarily needy, and then when she is finally called out, such as in the last episode in which that junkie downstairs yelled at her for having terrible insides and being a horrible person, it didn’t matter and she didn’t need to learn anything from his words, because she ultimately got what she wanted. And the show became a Meg Ryan movie for like five minutes, which was just not up my alley.

What also bothered me this season is that every man Hannah came across just wanted to make out with her or have sex with her. I am aware that Lena Dunham faces a lot of criticism about the way she looks, and that is not what I am commenting on here. I don’t have an issue with the way Hannah looks, aside from thinking that she dresses very unflatteringly. My problem here is that not every guy you meet is just going to want to have sex with your or make out with you. That just does not happen. Sometimes, a guy will just say “no, I would not like to make out with you”, and that is that. Life moves on. It’s just so frustrating to me, and it literally happened like four or five episodes in a row for Hannah. That is just not life.

My favorite characters on the show are Shoshana and Jessa, because I find them both hilarious. However, Jessa was almost non-existent this season. I understand that Jemima Kirke was pregnant, but I really just missed her. Also, we finally got an episode where Jessa shows her vulnerability, after breaking up with her husband, and then that is taken away from us. If anything, I would love an episode devoted to Jessa that looks into her further. And I’m not talking about the episode where she visits her father and Hannah randomly fucks her 19 year old step-brother or whatever relation he is to Jessa (for no reason whatsoever. But why wouldn’t that happen?). I mean a real episode, where we learn more about Jessa. We got an episode this season revolved around one character, but that was unfortunately Hannah. And it was my least favorite half hour of television to ever exist. Lena Dunham owes me back 28 minutes of my life.

This is what Jessa's step-brother or whatever he is looks like. Who wouldn't fuck him because of that turtleneck alone?

This is what Jessa’s step-brother or whatever he is looks like. Who wouldn’t fuck him because of that turtleneck alone?

I love Shoshana but her hairstyles were just making me upset the entire season. However, ignoring her hairstyles, I loved the development of hers and Ray’s relationship; their admittance of “I love you” to one another was tear-jerkingly adorable. However, that was taken away from us when Shoshana made out with a doorman for essentially no reason. I understand people cheat, but this was just out of line and out of character for Shoshana. It’s like Lena Dunham knows that Shoshana is a fan favorite, so she has to go out of her way to make Shoshana dislikable, as she did with Hannah. It’s just extremely frustrating to watch.







I don’t even want to get started on Marnie because I think she is legitimately insane. Also, she had some funky hair this season that I wasn’t too keen of and Allison Williams’ acting abilities are questionable. I don’t even understand if Marnie and Hannah know each other anymore, they don’t even interact. That bothers me, I want to watch the show to see the interactions between the four girls, and this season just didn’t allow that. Luckily, I gained a new appreciation for the men on the show, so that’s at least one positive. But mostly, the second season of “Girls” was, for me, underwhelming and left a lot to be desired.

But I will say that Hannah’s bangs in the last episode were ridiculous, so at least we got to witness that.