Tag Archives: tv

if you’re tired you take a napa, you don’t MOVE to napa

14 May

I don’t care what decade we’re in or how many years it’s been off the air, I will always find “Sex and the City” to be relevant to our culture. Every day, new women (and men, I won’t leave you kids out) are discovering the show, relating to the storylines, and realizing that they are one of four women: a Carrie, a Charlotte, a Samantha, or a Miranda. Personally, I am a Miranda. I am cynical as fuck, we kind of treat men similarly, and we’re very sarcastic (you guys probably couldn’t pick up on that). I feel like most people have a mix of all of the women in them (despite how much you don’t want to be a Charlotte or a Carrie. Really, it’s how much I don’t want to be a Charlotte or a Carrie. Emphasis on Carrie), but there’s one whose storylines and dialogue really resonates with how you see yourself and you assume others see you.

Judging based on outfits alone, I'm definitely a Miranda. But I long to be a Carrie.

Judging based on outfits alone, I’m definitely a Miranda. But I long to be a Carrie.

It hasn’t happened in real life (yet), but on my OkCupid I make it a point to say that I’m a feminist because I wear that title PROUD, but then I list “Sex and the City” under my favorite shows, and I get called out. There will be a never-ending argument about if the show goes against feminism or if it’s helping out the cause. My stance on the show is that it is about four, strong female leads, two of which are independent (you can guess which two I find to be more independent), have firm careers, and are sexually liberated. However, I know that the show relies mostly on the relationship aspect, as it is called “SEX” and the city. Also, the women can come off as rather pathetic at times when dealing with the men in their lives and a lot of the times, the show makes it seem that having a relationship is the end-all in life. I think it walks a fine line of telling you to love yourself and love your friends, but more often than not, Carrie and Charlotte are complaining that they’re lonely and need to be in relationships. I guess that’s the point of the show though, as many women feel the same way and allow relationships to define their lives, so these characters are more relatable to them. However, in an ideal feminist sitcom, the women would have relationships, but it wouldn’t be the death of them if the relationships didn’t work out because we shouldn’t rely on a man to make us happy. That’s probably the most stereotypical feminist thing I can think to say. Regardless of anyone’s take on it, I just love the stupid show, despite wanting to punch Carrie in the face the majority of the time she’s on the screen.

Because 86 pearl necklaces at once simply aren't enough.

Because 86 pearl necklaces at once simply aren’t enough.

Yes, this post is about Carrie. Not just Carrie really, because I’d probably hang myself from my ceiling fan with my finest Chanel scarf (see what I did there? I don’t own a Chanel scarf, I’m trying to write like Carrie), but more about the age old debate that fans will always be on separate sides of the fence about: Big or Aidan. Yes. That’s what this is about. The show went off the year a decade ago, but I’m going to weigh in now, in 2013, with my thoughts about Carrie’s two biggest loves. And I will insult her other boyfriends along the way, don’t worry.

So. There’s lots to say here. Let’s make fun of her other boyfriends first. I’d say Carrie’s big four boyfriends are Big, Aidan, Berger, and the Russian, who absolutely does not deserve to be referred to by a real name because he is horrible in every sense of the word. I say that these are her big four because she dated each of them for more than two episodes and she also said “I love you” to all of them. So, let’s do this. The Russian, as I said, is horrible. He’s pretentious, has a very odd sense of humor, and Carrie is just extremely annoying with him. I think a lot of why I hate the Russian is because I hate how Carrie acts with the him. He’s naturally a romantic and Carrie can’t handle it because she’s a fucking idiot. Like she faints because he wants to dance with her to a string orchestra. Like excuse me? No. That’s a BIT dramatic, you moron. Also, he takes her to Paris, she went by choice not by force, and she is miserable the whole time. I get that she’s away from her friends and he is distracted because he has a big art show coming up, but Carrie, you’re in fucking Paris. I’ve been to Paris before, it’s amazing. NEVER complain if you’re in Paris. Also, you knew he’d be busy, HE MOVED THERE BECAUSE HE HAS AN ART SHOW. Guy’s gotta work, not everyone needs to be at your whim 24/7.

Hottest picture I could find.

Hottest picture I could find.

Right, then there’s Berger. I’m someone who originally loved Berger, I thought he had great potential. He was funny, a writer, cute. THE TOTAL PACKAGE, AMIRITE LADIEZ? Anyway, he goes completely insane when he’s dropped by his publisher and then takes it out on Carrie. Carrie does do this annoying thing where she points out a character in his book shouldn’t be wearing a scrunchie. While I’m actually not annoyed at Carrie for doing that, really (she is, after all, a writer and she was giving him her opinion after a rave review of the book), I’m more annoyed at Carrie because I fucking despise when I’ve already done something and people tell me I should have done something differently. Like, sorry, excuse me, can I go back in time and fix that? No? Fuck you then. But yeah, Berger goes bat shit and breaks up with Carrie on a post-it note and that’s one of the best storylines on television ever, it’s actually almost perfect to me. Carrie deserves that.

Berger is unfortunately the reason why "He's Just Not That Into You" was created. And that's unforgivable.

Berger is unfortunately the reason why “He’s Just Not That Into You” was created. And that’s unforgivable.

So now the big two. Here we go. It seems so clear cut, really. Big is a complete asshole who fucked with Carrie for multiple years and was reluctant to ever commit to her, while Aidan is (inexplicably) in love with Carrie, wants to marry her, and is a total cutie (season four, never season three. That hair is inexcusable).  Therefore, most people think Aidan is the better choice for Carrie and are angry that she ends up with Big. I agree with half of that, Aidan is a much better man. But that’s not the point here. While Aidan is a better person, he is not, in the end, the man that Carrie wanted to be with. Carrie seemed to get off on her twisted relationship with Big. She wouldn’t have gone back to him so many times if she didn’t. There was something there, the chase, perhaps, that brought her back time and again. That was never really the case with Aidan, and Carrie never seemed to ever be content while she was with him.

Like seriously, that hair?

Like seriously, that hair?

For example, when Carrie and Aidan first date in season three, she has extreme issues with meeting his parents, becoming serious with him, quitting smoking for him, etc. There is an episode dedicated to the fact that she’s freaking out about their relationship because there’s nothing wrong with it. It keeps her up at night. I’d have to say there’s something wrong with you if you have a problem with not having a problem in your relationship (I was that person once, it’s no way to live). Carrie could never just accept the relationship and move on. Also, from the description I gave above, it seemed like Carrie had to do a lot of changing to be the person she thought Aidan wanted her to be, and one should never compromise oneself. Except maybe if you’re Carrie, it would probably be best for the world to get a complete personality transplant. Then, there is the biggest problem in their relationship, the fact that Carrie has an extended affair (I say extended because it lasted about three episodes) with Big, her ex, while dating Aidan. My biggest problem with the affair is that Carrie seemed to not give a shit about Aidan’s feelings in all of it. Every time she was mad at herself for what she was doing, it was because Big was married and had a wife and he was cheating on her. Never once did Carrie say, “oh right, I have a boyfriend I supposedly love”. She just wanted to keep Aidan around because she knew she could. And then once they broke up and got back together in season four, their entire relationship was problematic because Aidan (rightfully) couldn’t trust Carrie, they wanted to lead separate lives (i.e. the episode where she wants to go clubbing and Aidan would rather be a hillbilly with his dog in a pair of tighty whities), and she threw up when she found the engagement ring he bought her. Like, none of these things scream “YOU TWO SHOULD BE IN A RELATIONSHIP” to me. Once engaged, despite the fact that Carrie didn’t even seem to want to marry Aidan and that she’s an idiot, she has physical reactions to the idea of marriage and they call the whole thing off. Essentially every episode with Aidan in it while him and Carrie are dating are about the problems in their relationship. They could never just be happy and enjoying one another, something HAD to be wrong (this probably has to do with the fact that Carrie is an insane drama queen).

Not understanding that caption, but Aidan and Carrie were hillbillies. Aidan is the king of the hillbillies.

Not understanding that caption, but Aidan and Carrie were hillbillies. Aidan is the king of the hillbillies.

So now, Big. Big is an asshole, I’ve already said that. He strung Carrie along, messed with her head. We’ve all been there (maybe just me, whatever, eff you guys), and we know it’s completely unhealthy. However, we also know there is something about it that keeps you in it, despite how mentally and emotionally draining the situation is. Even after all of the shit the two of them went through after dating and after their affair, Carrie and Big decide to be friends still, they hang out, have long, late night phone calls. It’s really painfully obvious during the show they’re going to end up together, he wouldn’t have been kept around otherwise. It’s the same way I feel about Miranda and Steve, but we’re not talking about them (BECAUSE THEY’RE PERFECT. JK I just love Steve). Carrie is the kind of person who needs to have drama in her life and in her relationships. She didn’t get that FROM Aidan, so she needed to create it in her head to satisfy her sick need. However, she got more than her fill from Big, and that’s exactly what she desired. That’s my main point in all of this: Carrie wanted that messed up, dramatic relationship. As perfect as Aidan may seem on paper, he was never what Carrie wanted. In my opinion, Aidan deserved far better than Carrie, and I will not even get into discussing their fucked up storyline in the second movie (the second movie is sheer proof that some people just want to watch the world burn). It might seem crazy, but that’s just how some people are. They thrive off of dramatic situations, it’s how they feel alive, and I personally think it’s dumb (no offense to the zero people reading this, although I feel I’ve insulted everyone enough at this point that you should take no stock in what I say).

Her hair is so big because it's full of secrets. But also, you look like a fucking moron.

Her hair is so big because it’s full of secrets. But also, you look like a fucking moron.

To sum up, yet again, my thoughts lay in this: Aidan was the better man, but Big was the better man for Carrie. That’s who she was ultimately supposed to end up with, because that is the kind of man she was looking for, despite how emotionally sick he made her feel. That’s just Carrie’s character, and we were unfortunately fed that character and her depressing fashion choices for six seasons. I try to enjoy the show despite Carrie, that’s really how I get through it. But yes, these are my thoughts on this really relevant subject, and I hope everyone (no one) feels free to agree or disagree.

This pretty accurately sums up my hatred for Carrie...

This pretty accurately sums up my hatred for Carrie…

Also, I feel this isn’t brought up enough, but Aidan was corny as fuck. I mean, Carrie is too, her weekly column is effing ridiculous (as is her lifestyle that her weekly column SOMEHOW supports, I won’t even get into that bullshit, I’m still mad about it), some of the shit she spews out is down-right stomach-churning for how corny it is, but Aidan was corny in a different way. He seemed more genuinely corny because he actually said a lot of really cliché statements aloud, to Carrie, in public. They all embarrassed me. So like maybe in that way they made sense together, but ultimately, their mutual affection for corniness wasn’t enough to make their relationship work. Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes, it hurts instead.

Generally, it hurts instead. Stay strong, turtle doves.

This is my vision of true love <3

This is my vision of true love ❤

in defense of ross geller: a very special episode

19 Apr

I recently read an article on Buzzfeed entitled “35 Reasons Why Ross Geller is the Worst”. Now, as an avid “Friends” viewer (I could probably quote episodes in full to you, possibly verbatim, and I’m not ashamed of that. NO TEA NO SHADE, HUNTIES), I have had my fair share of struggle with Ross Geller throughout the years. Anyone who watches the show probably has. But, what I think happened with the person who wrote this article is that they were dwelling too much on the Ross of yesteryear (aka Ross seasons 1-4), as opposed to the incredible Ross of the later seasons. I have to assume that this is what they were doing, otherwise I’m afraid I might crumble and fall to pieces. I love Ross Geller.

Gross. Season 1 Ross. Just looking at him is the worst.

Gross. Season 1 Ross. Just looking at him is the worst.

You see, boys and ghouls, for anyone who somehow does not know, Ross is an extremely annoying character in seasons 1-4, emphasis on seasons 1, 2, and 3. He was whiny, annoying, self-obsessed, heterosexist, and frustratingly always thinking he was right. There were episodes dealing with essentially all of these issues. Getting together with Rachel did make Ross a more likable and bearable character, but then came the episodes I hate to watch. I am talking about when Rachel meets Mark and he gets her the job at Bloomingdales. Ross’s insane jealousy of Mark is out of control. YES, technically he was correct that Mark wanted to sleep with Rachel, but that isn’t the point. The point is that he was immediately jealous of this new character and apparently didn’t have enough faith in Rachel to get over it, seemingly not knowing that Rachel would never do anything with Mark to jeopardize her relationship with Ross.

Then there’s the debate that the show twisted in later seasons, “were they or were they not on a break”. I cannot stress this enough: the original question that broke up Ross and Rachel was not if they were on a break or not. They were on a break, we all know this. The problem was that Ross slept with that copy shop girl (who, by the way, was not as hot as the male characters on the show made her out to be, sorry I’m not sorry) on the same night that him and Rachel broke up, after he had gotten mad at Rachel for being in the same room as Mark (must note, Rachel never slept with Mark. C’mon Ross), and then tried to cover his tracks so Rachel would never find out about what had happened. In my opinion, Ross is entirely in the wrong. We technically can’t consider this cheating (no one stab me for saying that, I watch “Sex and the City”, I’ve heard of their “cheating curve”), but my real problem is that Ross was not giving a shit about Rachel’s job that she loved and was trying to take seriously, because he was out of control jealous of Mark. It’s a problem that he slept with someone immediately after him and Rachel simply went on a break, before actually discussing with her if it was a break up. The show changes the issue to the ongoing joke of “we were on a break”, when really, that has nothing to do with it. We all know they were on a break, but we don’t know for a fact if Ross was in the wrong for his actions (I think he was, the break up has nothing to do with Mark, but Ross’s insane insecurity and lack of being able to get over his jealousy).

But yeah, there’s my rant about Ross seasons 1-3, really. He gets better in season 4. I assume it’s because they added the character of Emily and everyone looks good in comparison to her. She really sucked. However, it’s season 5 that I began to fall in love with Ross.

Best thing this schmuck could have ever done for himself.

Best thing this schmuck could have ever done for himself was saying the wrong name.

After him and Emily break up (“good riddance to bad rubbish”, all of America collectively thought at the same exact moment), Ross goes insane. And it is hysterical. The after-Thanksgiving sandwich that Ross’s boss eats and then Ross freaks out about, leading him to have to take a sabbatical. Ross’s “rage”. The leather pants he wears that turn into his “paste pants”. Trying to get a couch upstairs and continuously yelling “PIVOT” at Chandler and Rachel when there was clearly no room to pivot. Marrying Rachel in Vegas and then lying to her about getting an annulment. Getting divorced. Again. When he bleaches his teeth that glow in the dark because he is overly excited for an upcoming date. The dance routine he does with his sister for New Year’s that they made up when they were in high school. The Holiday armadillo, Santa’s half-Jewish friend (absolutely genius). Dating Mona (who might be worse than Emily, that’s my opinion) and forgetting about her all of the time. When he’s upset about Rachel and Joey dating (but really, we were all upset about Rachel and Joey dating, that was a dark time), and he got drunk, made an impromptu speech about love, claimed he was “FINE” and then shouted, “MY FAJITAS!”. When Chandler claims that Ross died on their alumni website and Ross decides to stage a memorial service to see who shows up. When he eats too much maple candy and wants to steal the contents of everything in his hotel room. And I will leave you with the mental image of Ross getting a tan, but only getting sprayed on his front side, so he’s completely white all down his back.

Why tease you with the mental image when I have the actual image right here? Plus, now we're all in the know about who plays the tanning salon guy. We're all the wiser for this.

Why tease you with the mental image when I have the actual image right here? Plus, now we’re all in the know about who plays the tanning salon guy. We’re all the wiser for this.

It wouldn't be right to not give you the holiday armadillo.

It wouldn’t be right to not give you the holiday armadillo.

You got yourself a pair of paste pants.

You got yourself a pair of paste pants.

Ross Geller in the 80's: Every woman's dream.

Ross Geller in the 80’s: Every woman’s dream.

"Who has a black light?! It's 1999!"

“Who has a black light?! It’s 1999!”

As a final treat, here's just a really nice picture of Ross.

As a final treat, here’s just a really nice picture of Ross.

The writer of the Buzzfeed article tries to pretend these moments weren’t endearing, but really, they make Ross amazing. Most of the gifs this columnist added were from some of Ross’s best moments. The writers spent a lot of time focusing on the storylines of other characters and then giving Ross these ridiculous subplots that were automatically the main source of comedy, for me at least. If I had to choose any character to watch a show about just living his or her day-to-day life, it would be Ross. For him, a mundane task like getting the newspaper would be turned into an entertaining adventure. Whoever wrote the Buzzfeed article must have been watching a different show from me, because Ross goes from (probably everyone’s) least favorite to one of the best characters on “Friends”. The writers decided just to make him more of a joke as a character in general. He’s still whiny, but he’s whiny in a funny way, such as when he yells “MAJOR SHAMPOO EXPLOSION” after stolen toiletries explode in his luggage, and then asks God, “why do bad things happen to good people?” Ross makes a complete 180 and easily becomes one of the funniest characters.

And I really have to give kudos to David Schwimmer here, because his line delivery in all of his scenes is absolutely amazing. He knows exactly when to shout certain words, when there should be extra emphasis on different syllables, and he is damn entertaining at acting drunk. So I don’t care what you say, Buzzfeed. Ross Geller is absolutely anything BUT the worst.

The worst goes to Monica. SORRY, I’M NOT SORRY. I SAID IT. We were all thinking it. Let’s move on.

Oh and if anything, we should all be able to appreciate Ross for his hair in season 5 alone. It is out of control and it is amazing.

Such a luscious mane of crazy hair.

Such a luscious mane of crazy hair.

So, as a send-off for the end of this post, here are some YouTube videos of Ross Geller’s finest moments. I think we can all learn a lesson or six from Ross on how we can truly live, and I probably quote all of his one liners on a daily basis. Goodbye, and may the odds be ever in your favor, darling.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t actually watch any of those videos. They’re probably all the same moments overlapping, but I frankly do not care. I can’t get enough dinosaurs! Or Ross Geller (season 5 on, of course).

Ross Geller: A god amongst mortals.

Ross Geller: A god amongst mortals.

friends forever, but ditch the dweeb

21 Mar

I was recently looking at a list of characters on tv shows that “we all secretly wished would get together” (I can’t find the link for it, so I apologize to the zero people reading this, and you can feel free to sue me). While I agreed with many of the selections, one pairing stood out to me that made me sick. That pairing was Screech Powers and Lisa Turtle from “Saved by the Bell”. Seeing this pair put on that list made me sad and also allowed me to lose what little bit of faith I had in this world.

Lisa hates EVERYTHING about the idea of her and Screech as a couple. EVERYTHING.

Lisa hates EVERYTHING about the idea of her and Screech as a couple. EVERYTHING.

I think one of my least favorite characters to ever be created is Screech from “Saved By the Bell”. I just find that he never adds anything but annoyance to a situation, and his character is perpetually stupid and unbelievable. Obviously, “Saved By the Bell” wasn’t wasting any time trying to be realistic, but I don’t care. No one would ever hang out with Screech, and DEFINITELY not the crew on the show. Those kids were cool, they were athletes and models and had a band. Those kids would never in a million years give Screech the time a day. And even if they did at the beginning because Screech was friends with Zack when he was younger, they would very quickly grow out of being his friend and start ignoring his annoying ass. They probably spent more time being pissed off at Screech about some stupid shit he did than they spent actually enjoying his company. What was there to enjoy? He sounded and looked stupid and always found a way to mess literally everything up (don’t care if I’m using “literally” in a hyperbolic sense here, it’s almost a true statement).

Oh my god I want to cause him bodily harm.

Oh my god I want to cause him bodily harm.

What demon created you?

What demon created you?

Seriously, he does not belong with this group of hotties. That random old guy makes more sense hanging out with them than Screech does.

Seriously, he does not belong with this group of hotties. That random old guy makes more sense hanging out with them than Screech does.

Now, let’s talk about Lisa Turtle. Lisa was entirely underappreciated on the show. She was on a list of annoying characters on some website I was looking at (can’t find that link either, you can all suck it), and I don’t understand how she made the list but Screech didn’t. Lisa was a fashionista, she was cute, and she always had all the hot gossip. However, this girl did not get her dues. She was always paired off with Screech, despite her disdain for him. She always got the shaft, while Kelly and Jessie were off hooking up with Zack and Slater. I don’t understand why. Obviously, Kelly was a babe and Jessie had that glamazon thing going on despite her horrible wardrobe, but Lisa was a total package and none of these guys ever realized it. I just felt bad for her.

Girl knows how to look GOOD.

Girl knows how to look GOOD.

I guess Jessie needed more attention from guys because she had that crippling caffeine pill addiction that one time.

I guess Jessie needed more attention from guys because she had that crippling caffeine pill addiction that one time.

There was one episode in like the last season where Lisa and Zack make out, but that romance fades before it even begins, and it’s just unfair. The two of them totally should have gotten together for real. She deserved it. Zack was a fox and she was a high-class woman. Lisa Turtle didn’t need to be thrown to the side at every turn and be stuck going as Screech’s date to the movies or to the dance. You can tell that Lisa more than anyone didn’t even want to be Screech’s friend, and I think she should have gotten her way and just stopped hanging out with him. It was almost forceful the way she had to hang out with him, she didn’t even pretend to enjoy his company. And I love that about Lisa. A girl after my own heart.

The good ol' day. Singular. One day.

The good ol’ day. Singular. One day.

More than I love Lisa Turtle, I just really hate Screech. I don’t watch the show as often as I once did (I was watching for two hours every day like two months ago), but I will never lose my hatred for Screech. He was probably genuinely funny one time on the entirety of the show. There was an episode of “Saved By the Bell: The College Years” (I’ve seen every episode multiple times for some reason), in which he steals a girl away from Zack. Excuse me? We’re supposed to believe that would happen? Not only is Zack foxy as shit AND a smooth motherfucker, but Screech is awkward and consistently obnoxious. WHO WOULD WANT THAT IN THEIR LIFE?  Not me, that’s for damn sure. There was an episode of the original show where Kelly thought she had feelings for Screech, and that really just embarrassed me more than anything. Poor girl, all mixed up. So embarrassing. Thankfully she came to her right mind and obviously ends up with Zack, but that was a really terrifying lapse in judgment for that one episode. There’s almost no coming back from that.

I don't think it's even possible to compare these two, they're essentially different species.

I don’t think it’s even possible to compare these two, they’re essentially different species.

Ultimately, Lisa should have gotten shown more respect by the writers and by her friends and Screech should have been kept at a far distance from her (and everyone, really) at all times. Preferably underground. What I’m saying is Screech should have been killed off. That would have solved everyone’s problem. Or mostly mine, but really, I’m selfish and I should get what I want, no questions asked. I really don’t think the show would have changed in any possible way if Screech was no longer there, except maybe we’d have less episodes with entirely asinine storylines devoted to him. The world would really be a better place today if that could have just happened.

A little bit tighter there, Zack...

A little bit tighter there, Zack…

the rise and fall of “girls”

21 Mar

WARNING: Spoilerz ahead!!!

When “Girls” premiered last year, I was immediately on board. From the first preview of the show, I knew I needed to see it and that I was going to fall in love with it. I was correct; I did love the show and watched all of the episodes multiple times. Obviously, the show drew connections to “Sex and the City” before it even premiered, as they are both based around four white women in New York. However, as someone who loves “Sex and the City” but gets extremely angry whenever Carrie’s lifestyle isn’t explained and she’s somehow not always on the brink of bankruptcy, I was interested in seeing how “Girls” would tackle living in New York more realistically.

Sorry, totally irrelevant, but I just need to remind people that Carrie Bradshaw once wore this outfit.

Sorry, totally irrelevant, but I just need to remind people that Carrie Bradshaw once wore this outfit.

The show did not disappoint in the first season. Aside from one or two episodes (aka when Hannah went home, I just didn’t get it or like it, and then the entire season finale which just didn’t make sense to me), I was hooked and dying for January so the show would come back for the second season. I wanted to know what was going to happen with these four women who were surely going to be going through a myriad of changes in their lives.

The good ol' days.

The good ol’ days.

Well, I had high hopes for the second season, but they all went to shit. I found myself increasingly angry with Hannah as a character, wondering where Jessa was, wanting Marnie to stop existing because everything she did made me uncomfortable, and wishing that more had happened in the episodes, because seriously, not much was happening in these episodes. There were only a total of two out of the ten episodes this past season of “Girls” that I actually liked, and I feel that’s never a good thing. Where last season I found Hannah funnier and more relatable, I found myself thinking that Lena Dunham was making it her personal mission to make Hannah as unlikable as possible. The episode where Hannah stayed with that doctor she had just met for the entire weekend solidified my hatred for her. I just did not want the show to revolve around his character, but I knew that I was stuck having to deal with that. I hate that they decided to give Hannah OCD with three episodes left in the season. I understand that OCD can go away and come back depending on life stress situations, but really? No mention of it AT ALL? And then all of a sudden, it’s this huge deal? Like, no. That just made Hannah more annoying. Add another annoying quirk to her already loathsome character. Also, Hannah puncturing her eardrum with the q-tip and then doing it again knowingly to the other ear made me physically ill, I just hated every moment of that experience.

Season 1 Hannah: totally relatable

Season 1 Hannah: totally relatable

What bothers me also is that Hannah went from being relatable to just being flat out pathetic. You can tell that Hannah thinks she is incredible, despite what she had said about herself in the first season, and it’s just frustrating. I did not need to see her yelling at Marnie that Marnie is the bad friend because she had sex with Hannah’s gay ex-boyfriend. Like excuse me? Your gay ex-boyfriend? Really? (Also, I hated that storyline in general because that just does not happen in real life, gay men do not just randomly hook up with straight women because they’re both attractive). That was pathetic of her. Hannah is no prized friend herself. And when she told that doctor man that she is “too sensitive” and “too not crazy”, I wanted to tear my eyes out. Hannah does this thing where she is pathetic and annoying and so extraordinarily needy, and then when she is finally called out, such as in the last episode in which that junkie downstairs yelled at her for having terrible insides and being a horrible person, it didn’t matter and she didn’t need to learn anything from his words, because she ultimately got what she wanted. And the show became a Meg Ryan movie for like five minutes, which was just not up my alley.

What also bothered me this season is that every man Hannah came across just wanted to make out with her or have sex with her. I am aware that Lena Dunham faces a lot of criticism about the way she looks, and that is not what I am commenting on here. I don’t have an issue with the way Hannah looks, aside from thinking that she dresses very unflatteringly. My problem here is that not every guy you meet is just going to want to have sex with your or make out with you. That just does not happen. Sometimes, a guy will just say “no, I would not like to make out with you”, and that is that. Life moves on. It’s just so frustrating to me, and it literally happened like four or five episodes in a row for Hannah. That is just not life.

My favorite characters on the show are Shoshana and Jessa, because I find them both hilarious. However, Jessa was almost non-existent this season. I understand that Jemima Kirke was pregnant, but I really just missed her. Also, we finally got an episode where Jessa shows her vulnerability, after breaking up with her husband, and then that is taken away from us. If anything, I would love an episode devoted to Jessa that looks into her further. And I’m not talking about the episode where she visits her father and Hannah randomly fucks her 19 year old step-brother or whatever relation he is to Jessa (for no reason whatsoever. But why wouldn’t that happen?). I mean a real episode, where we learn more about Jessa. We got an episode this season revolved around one character, but that was unfortunately Hannah. And it was my least favorite half hour of television to ever exist. Lena Dunham owes me back 28 minutes of my life.

This is what Jessa's step-brother or whatever he is looks like. Who wouldn't fuck him because of that turtleneck alone?

This is what Jessa’s step-brother or whatever he is looks like. Who wouldn’t fuck him because of that turtleneck alone?

I love Shoshana but her hairstyles were just making me upset the entire season. However, ignoring her hairstyles, I loved the development of hers and Ray’s relationship; their admittance of “I love you” to one another was tear-jerkingly adorable. However, that was taken away from us when Shoshana made out with a doorman for essentially no reason. I understand people cheat, but this was just out of line and out of character for Shoshana. It’s like Lena Dunham knows that Shoshana is a fan favorite, so she has to go out of her way to make Shoshana dislikable, as she did with Hannah. It’s just extremely frustrating to watch.

No.

No.

Stop.

Stop.

Why?

Why?

I don’t even want to get started on Marnie because I think she is legitimately insane. Also, she had some funky hair this season that I wasn’t too keen of and Allison Williams’ acting abilities are questionable. I don’t even understand if Marnie and Hannah know each other anymore, they don’t even interact. That bothers me, I want to watch the show to see the interactions between the four girls, and this season just didn’t allow that. Luckily, I gained a new appreciation for the men on the show, so that’s at least one positive. But mostly, the second season of “Girls” was, for me, underwhelming and left a lot to be desired.

But I will say that Hannah’s bangs in the last episode were ridiculous, so at least we got to witness that.

Bangs.

Vindication.

just some thoughts on improving the world

8 Feb

So, I just read on my favorite love/hate celebrity blog perezhilton.com* that Christina Applegate is leaving the show “Up All Night”. Now, I don’t know much about the show at this present time since I’ve only watched about four episodes in total and they were all from the first season, but I’m wondering what is going to happen with the show since Christina Applegate is one of the three leads and the show is about her and Will Arnett raising a baby. I think why I was never really too drawn to the show has to do with what my friend, Lauren, noticed. She pointed out that Will Arnett is not as appealing when he is playing the straight man. At this point, we are so used to him just playing extreme, ridiculous characters, and playing them to a T that seeing him play the straight man, a guy just trying to raise his baby, who yes, has some funny lines, but isn’t nearly as outrageous as the former character he’s played, does not give us the same feeling of needing to see more.

This post doesn't require images, but here's a picture of Will Arnett I like.

This post doesn’t require images, but here’s a picture of Will Arnett I like.

I was just discussing the news about the show with my brother, Brian, since one of our favorite topics to discuss is the Thursday night comedy lineup on NBC. We were thinking of ways that the show could deal with Christina Applegate’s departure, aside from the obvious idea of canceling the show. Brian suggested that they recast her, because that’s always funny and makes sense. Clearly, they won’t do that, but it could make for some real kooky times to see them try. But then, Brian said that maybe they could kill her character off. This way, Will Arnett’s character would be left to raise the baby alone. I pointed out to him, however, that Will Arnett’s character is not interesting because he isn’t a real character, he’s the straight man. We thought it would be better if it was Gob Bluth from “Arrested Development” instead raising a baby. This got us brainstorming and we came upon the best solution for what the show could do:

“Up All Night” becomes focused on Will Arnett’s character on the show having to deal with the death of his wife, Christina Applegate. In doing so, he slowly turns into Gob, since he doesn’t know how to handle sadness and loss. We learn more about his backstory (I have no idea if the show delves into his backstory, but it doesn’t matter, this is our show now) and we discover that he has two brothers and a sister, who are going to come help him now raise his child. Or, just Buster. Because we’re okay with that. And his mother Lucille can drop in from time to time, just for extra comedic relief. So now, the show DOES turn into Gob Bluth raising a baby on his own, and that just sounds far more exciting and interesting than anything “Up All Night” has ever offered us as an audience. From there, we have to deal with the fact that on “Arrested Development”, it is revealed that Gob does in fact have a child, his estranged son, Steve Holt. On “Up All Night”, his child is female. SO to deal with this, we can say that Gob has such a hard time raising his child that he has to abandon her, and she was left dealing with an identity crisis and transitioned into becoming male. That’s kind of a stretch and also seems pretty politically incorrect, so instead, to appease our new wave fans, we could instead say that Regan (Christina Applegate’s and Will Arnett’s fictional daughter. Didn’t even have to look up her name, I already knew she was named that the whole time) was never biologically a female anyway. They let Regan raise herself as whichever gender she chose, and that way, she could be free to be either more masculine or feminine. Her true sex is never revealed, and while she spent her childhood identifying as more feminine, she ends up embracing her masculine side in her teens. Regan could be considered a pretty gender-neutral name, anway. I know, it’s pretty far-fetched, but we kind of don’t give a shit. Brian didn’t even really come up with this part, this half-brained logic is all mine. I’m so proud of myself. My college education is really going far.

Imagine this guy helping you raise your child. Hilarity ensues!

Imagine this guy helping you raise your child. Hilarity ensues!

So, there it is. That’s how we’re going to save “Up All Night”. I think it’s pretty solid and everyone’s going to take this extremely seriously. I’ll probably be getting phone calls from the executives at NBC any day now asking for me to come write for the show and create new shows along the way that require this much brain power. I’m just so talented. HiT mE uP nBc!!!~*~*~*

I just really miss "Arrested Development". Plus, this picture happened.

I just really miss “Arrested Development”. Plus, this picture happened.

*I called perezhilton.com “my favorite love/hate celebrity gossip blog”, and I feel I need to clarify. I fucking hate Perez Hilton the person and the way everything on that website is reported, but the headlines and general information appeal to me. Trust me, there will be a post one day about my hatred for that website, but today is not the day to post it. Not today, pig. Not today. Patience, Iago.

this post used to be much more relevant to my life, but thankfully, i’ve changed my ways

23 Jan

I’ll admit it: I used to genuinely like “Glee”. I guess I was a “gleek”, but that’s embarrassing, so we’ll forget I said that. As season one progressed and wrapped up, I found myself anxiously awaiting season two to premiere. Once that happened, however, I found myself confused. Nothing about the show made sense to me anymore. Everything that was refreshing about it in the beginning was growing stale.

I watched mercilessly through the entire second season and was left with mixed emotions; I was happy the season was over, yet sad because of how disappointing it was, and increasingly becoming angry because I sat through that pile of shit. So, less than enthusiastically, I watched the premiere of the third season. And you know what? It showed promise. It seemed like the show was going back to whatever roots I was under the impression it strayed away from and was going to entertain me and enter my heart yet again. However, I don’t know what happened during the third season, but what ultimately was handed to me was yet another heaping pile of shit that I was left to mourn over. I think I officially just hate “Glee” and have come to accept it.

So, with the fourth season recently beginning (I wrote this post originally in September, so yes, the new season was recently beginning), one would assume that I was not tuning in, avoiding “Fox” on Thursday nights from 9-10, moving on with my life. That’s partially true. I didn’t see the show when it originally aired, but thanks to modern technology, I caught it on demand while babysitting. So many people around me were trying to tell me that the fourth season premiere was good, that I would like it, that the new characters were good. How did I feel after I watched it? The same as I always feel: angry. Not with the show anymore, but with myself. The show is bad. I’ve accepted that. I was mad at myself because I continued to watch it and torture myself by doing so week after week. I have issues and I know that. I’m beginning to think I’m a masochist because I kept going back for more of the shit that’s being served to me. But something about the stupid show was pulling me back in and as much as I complained, I didn’t stop watching. So, I figured I’d put my complaining to good use and compile the five main reasons why I really hate “Glee”. Oh, there are so many more reasons, but I’ll try to just stick to five.

Side note: “Glee” went on a like four or five week break during the election season and that was just the jump-off I needed to stop watching the show. I quit it, cold turkey, and my life has never been happier. But, I avidly read PerezHilton.com and hate every second of it because Perez is a self-righteous piece of shit who constantly misspells words, forgets the rules of grammar, and also is just terrible at reporting everything, and “Glee” is still thrown in my face on a daily basis. So, this list still applies despite not watching the show anymore and being a masochist for it. I’m a masochist for other reasons, so it’s all good.

1)   The Characters

When the show first started, I liked the characters; they were diverse, accepting, albeit one-note, yet we were just getting to know them so this was all right. However, as the show has gone on, these characters have remained one-note. They have almost no depth whatsoever and essentially all have one definitive quality. Rachel: wants to be on Broadway. Kurt: proud gay kid. Mercedes: sassy black woman. Tina: quiet Asian. Artie: wheelchair kid. Brittany: stupid cheerleader. Not only are they completely one-note, but they’re also extreme stereotypes and walking clichés (or a rolling cliché in Artie’s case. Cue the drum set). The show is completely steadfast on keeping these characters in their molds, despite whatever storylines are created for them. Ultimately, they can all be defined by these descriptions for their entirety on the show.

What’s more annoying than these tried and tired character elements are the characters themselves. Many of them are not even likable. Rachel is extremely obnoxious. Yes, she can sing, but I honestly don’t care because she is so ridiculously annoying. What is frustrating is that all of the other characters know this and call her out on it constantly, yet they still continue to “love” her and talk to her out of school. If this were real high school, Rachel would be sitting at home alone on Friday nights, or maybe have one friend of equal or lesser obnoxiousness, and would not be invited to social functions. In this alternate “Glee” universe, however, Rachel not only has friends and is the leader of the “gleeks”, but she also dates the star of the football team. Like all right, I’ll in no way believe that.

Speaking of the star of the football team, Finn has got to be one of the most self-righteous and frustrating characters out there. Finn is not even that good of a singer, yet he gets all of the lead male parts in the glee club. That just doesn’t seem fair. He also called Santana out on being a lesbian, which just wasn’t appropriate and apparently thinks he is God for whatever reason. There was an episode where he was angry because Blaine, the new kid, was getting more solos than him in the club. Uh, yeah, that’s what fucking happens in glee club, Finn. If someone is better than you, they sing more than you do. Also, you can’t dance for shit, so what are you even doing here? Plus you called Kurt a “fag” once, and that was just mean. For some reason the glee teacher, a fully grown man (close to Finn’s portrayer’s age in real life) wanted him to be his best man at his wedding. That’s normal. I don’t get why Mr. Schu has no friends outside of glee club, but that’s really embarrassing for him. Also embarrassing is Finn thinking that him and Rachel were the hottest couple to hit the Earth. Like, I don’t care about you two. Get off of my screen. That was my thought every single time they were on my screen. Then they got engaged. In high school. Because high school relationships last forever. OH and you’re a fucking moron and thought you got Quinn pregnant even though you didn’t have sex. I just can’t even handle Finn.

So this brings me to Quinn. I had always been a Quinn fan. I liked that she was bitchy and mean, especially to Rachel, who absolutely deserved it for being a conceited loser (I’m a really nice person and word things very passively). But, as the seasons went on, I found myself becoming more and more confused as to why ANYONE would even speak to Quinn anymore. She sabotaged the glee club multiple times, cheated on boyfriends, helped boys cheat on their girlfriends, slapped Rachel across the face (I approve of that though), gave her baby up for adoption and then tried to get the baby back by setting up the foster mother to look like an asshole, dressed terribly (this has nothing to do with her character, I just hate her outfits), and so much more. On top of this, she got put in a wheelchair because of texting and driving and was STILL a huge prick to everyone about being prom queen. Like what is your issue? I don’t understand why people keep going back to being Quinn’s friend, but it’s high time people stop talking to her.

I believe what would have made the show better is when the students took a group trip to Six Flags (of which there are none around the area they live in), the bus should have crashed and killed all of them. It really would have been the best for everyone involved. Especially me.

2)   The Storylines

“Glee” has this problem in which they forget what has already happened in storylines. They completely change them when they want, add stupid details in that are insanely irrelevant, and some are just completely dropped and we are left with never understanding why it was even created to begin with.

I think my biggest issue with the storylines on “Glee” is those involving relationships. This show acts like high school relationships are the end of life, which I get they are in high school, but it’s annoying as fuck to watch. I was annoying enough when I was in high school about people’s relationships, I don’t need to relive all of that obnoxious shit for the sake of ratings. For example, when Kurt and Rachel were both planning to go off to New York for college, they both had to think about their relationships. As I said, Finn and Rachel get engaged (OKAY) because what else would they do? Just try to make it work long distance? No? Okay. Kurt and Blaine also stay together (I’m shocked they don’t have an extravagant gay wedding since “Glee” is so ridiculously cliché and over the top for shits and gigs), but the way they act about them being separated is so dramatic. I get it, you’re sad about leaving your boyfriend. But you know what? I don’t care. I had a boyfriend when I went to college and we were three hours apart. It worked for a little bit, then didn’t, and then the end. Yeah, it sucked at the time, but the end. I was in college. It was time for me to get drunk and develop crippling alcoholism instead.

The characters on “Glee” seem to constantly forget the past storylines and what has happened. As I mentioned with Quinn, she was a complete asshole to every single person in the glee club (I’m not even exaggerating, LITERALLY every single person), yet they must have all had collective amnesia and so they carried on thinking she was cool to them at all times.

The show also has a problem with re-hashing old storylines constantly. The biggest problem I can think of is that of Mercedes and her place in the glee club. I think that maybe ¾ of the first three seasons revolved around the idea that Rachel got too many solos in the glee club and Mercedes felt she deserved more. Like, yeah, I completely agree, but how about everyone do some Sudoku or crossword puzzles to keep their minds sharp so I don’t have to hear about some glee members being ignored again.

One of my least favorite episodes of season three had to be the Michael Jackson tribute episode. I’m all about tribute episodes, ESPECIALLY if they’re Michael Jackson-themed. However, the episode IMMEDIATELY set itself up as being a tribute episode. They didn’t even nicely string the songs along to fit in with the storylines, they actually announced at the beginning the MJ was the greatest singer/dancer of our time or some shit. Like, I love me some Michael Jackson, but how about we set up a story arc instead of just saying, “fuck it, we’re singing MJ songs”. It was kind of bullshit for me. But I guess I can’t expect more because they essentially did the same with Lady Gaga and Britney Spears (except for the recent “Britney 2.0” episode, in which they surprisingly did tie in why they were singing Britney songs).

This just makes me think about how the show, rather than adding the songs into the storylines, must choose what songs they’re singing first and then create storylines around those song choices. It’s so frustrating because problems are created where they don’t need to be. There’s just so much wrong with the stories, it’s stupid.

The show has a huge consistency problem. For example, the glee club made it to nationals twice. The first time, nationals were in New York and there were like thirteen competing teams. The New Directions didn’t even place in the top ten, and it deservedly happened that way. The next year they made it, there were only three competing teams and it was much less high profile. It probably explains why they actually won nationals that year. Less competition = more time for those assholes to spend being mediocre. Which brings me to my next point…

3)   The songs sound like Kidz Bop Covers

The majority of the cast of “Glee” have really amazing voices. Some of them, not so much, but for the most part, yeah, they can sing. Their individually performed songs are usually pretty good, but it’s when they do group numbers that they run into a problem.

For some reason, “Glee” finds it important to be relevant in music choices, and then they tend to choose the worst pop songs of today and cover them. The first episode of season four had a rendition of “Call Me Maybe”. Like, really? For a show that’s supposed to be so cutting edge, you’re covering “Call Me Maybe”, which came out months ago? All right, thanks. All of the songs seriously sound like they’re straight off of the Kidz Bop cds. That’s never a good thing.

I don’t really know what else to say about this other than the fact that the group songs sound like shit. Well, I guess I should add that the show should just end at this point.

Oh, I will add that it’s also completely ridiculous that the glee club puts on extremely elaborate performances when just rehearsing for Mr. Schu. Like, where the fuck did you get that budget and why does this not seem weird to any of them?

4)   The show pushes its morals on you

I totally get that “Glee” is trying to send a message out there. It’s saying to be yourself, be happy in your skin, don’t bully, accept one another, etc. etc. I get it, I really do. And you know what? I also believe those messages (ignore the fact that I called Rachel a “conceited loser” who deserved to be bullied for argument’s sake right now). But I don’t need them shoved down my throat every single fucking week. I get that that’s still your morals and you want me to remember that.

What’s more annoying than those morals being thrown at you constantly is that the characters don’t even embody what they’re supposed to be supporting. They’re all bullies. I don’t give a fuck what anyone says, they’re all assholes. They’re all mean to one another, say spiteful and hateful things, and I don’t think any of them would ever genuinely like one another or be friends. I get the show isn’t supposed to be realistic, but I at least like to be fooled into thinking that characters could actually hang out in real life. Not here. But anyway, back to my point, as I’ve said constantly, Quinn’s an asshole. Finn outed Santana then acted like he was God and did nothing wrong. They all call each other names. Artie has bullied pretty much every girl he’s dated (he called Brittany stupid and told Tina to dress differently) because he has a superiority complex and thinks he’s smarter than everyone. Literally every single person in that club has taken a massive shit on Rachel. But no, because they’re all outcasts and ostracized by others, this means that it’s okay if they bully each other, because they’re all victims. That is such shit to me. How about they practice what they preach on each other and treat each other well if they’re seriously considering that they’re all friends.

I think that one of the biggest issues this show presses on you is about gay rights and gay students. I totally support gay rights, but the show puts all of its anti-bullying eggs in that basket. I understand that that’s extremely in the limelight right now, but the other students being shit on by their classmates who aren’t gay should also probably do something about the fact that everyone hates them. If we’re shooting at our target audience of theater nerds, “Glee”, let’s be more inclusive about all victim groups in high school. This issue of bullying and gay rights leads has a lot to do with my final problem with the show.

5)   Offensive for the sake of being offensive

I feel that because “Glee” is making such strides in making the gay youth of America feel accepted, the creators think they can do and say whatever the fuck they want with the dialogue. Ryan Murphy is literally offensive because he can be, and it’s pissing me off.

The characters are racist as fuck. Almost all of them. It’s almost always brought up that Tina is Asian and that she dated another Asian. Rachel being Jewish is always a point of discussion, and there was an episode about her hating her Jewish nose. They literally called it her Jewish nose. The show HATES gingers with a passion, and after watching other Ryan Murphy shows, I see that’s a trend with him.

I really am a fan of Ryan Murphy’s work, I love “American Horror Story” and “Nip/Tuck”, but I feel that he is much better at making shows that are dramatic with dark comedy thrown in than straight up comedy. He literally gets license to say whatever the fuck he wants because the show has a moral about not bullying and tolerance or some shit being pushed at the end of every episode. If this is true, however, why is it okay for Sue to make derogatory statements to and about Kurt’s sexuality and the fact that he is feminine almost every episode? It just doesn’t make sense to me. For a show that is supposed to be about tolerance and acceptance, there is just so much other offensive shit going on.

And that’s the point, which makes me mad. I read an article saying that Ryan Murphy referred to himself as the “male Lady Gaga”. As unnecessary as it is for that statement to EVER be made by any person ever, all it says to me is that he does shit for shock value, because that’s how I view Lady Gaga. He pushes the envelope as much as he can on every single issue because he wants to and it’s getting so old. His new show, “The New Normal”, is somehow more offensive, and it gets away with it, because for some reason Ryan Murphy doesn’t follow the laws of common decency like the rest of it. I guess it explains why all of his characters think that they’re God when really, their shit stinks just like the rest of us.

So that’s just a glimpse as to why I hate “Glee”. It’s pretentious, obnoxious, the characters are unlikable, the music stopped being even somewhat good, and the plots conveniently always get lost and forgotten. The original ending to this post was about how I knew that I’d be watching “Glee” again on demand the next time I babysat, but I am so extremely overly proud to say that I have not watched the show since September or October, which I know is four years after I should have stopped watching the show, but for someone who has a habit of not being able to look away from car wrecks (this show is a car wreck), I’ve managed for the past few months to keep my eyes straight ahead, instead of cringing at what was beside me on the road (driving metaphors. So deep).

depression: the musical!

23 Jan

From what I have been taught to believe, sitcoms were created to make the audience laugh. As we can tell from my insane ramblings on “very special episodes”, they teach us to laugh at even the most depressing and disturbing of situations (child molestation? Children possibly found dead in fridges? Please hold while I stitch my sides back together!). But, sometimes sitcoms know how to actually handle a situation and make the audience feel something other than comfort from a show. Brian told me he wanted me to look into some of the saddest episodes of sitcoms, or just shows that we would never naturally watch and get upset about.

After an extensive Google search (and by extensive, I mean I typed “saddest episodes of sitcoms” into the search box and clicked the top answer), I found a list of clips already created of some of the saddest episodes of sitcoms. It’s called, “The 10 Weepiest Situation Comedy Episodes Ever”. Not surprisingly, “Scrubs” made the list three times. For anyone who watches “Scrubs”, like I used to do avidly, this makes sense. The show handles sad episodes all the time; it’s about a hospital for Christ’s sake. And sometimes, at hospitals, shit happens. Fortunately for me, some of the clips of the other episodes listed wouldn’t work anymore, which I was happy about because I really don’t feel like watching “M*A*S*H”. So, I’ll just put the site up and you can click the videos that I’m referring to. You’re welcome for putting no more effort into this post, but rather just copying off of what another list does.

Also, I’m nervous that this post won’t be that funny since I don’t really see humor in most of these scenes. That’s probably a downer. Sorry in advance :\

*SPOILER ALERT: If you watch “How I Met Your Mother” and for some reason haven’t seen the most recent season, there’s a heart wrenching clip on here you might want to avoid.

 http://www.pajiba.com/seriously_random_lists/the-10-weepiest-situation-comedy-episodes-ever.php

Scrubs “My Long Goodbye”: Yeah, so, Laverne is a well-loved nurse at Sacred Heart Hospital where the “Scrubs” crew chills (or works, whatever), and she gets into a car accident and dies. So, that alone is pretty depressing. Girl had sass coming out the ass; she was a real feisty one. RIP Laverne. But, so, everyone is preparing themselves to say goodbye to her, except for Carla, a fellow nurse, who can’t seem to let go and accept what’s happened. That’s also pretty depressing. She hallucinates Laverne with her all day. Also depressing is that Dr. Cox’s daughter is being born on the same day and he is trying to hide that fact because he doesn’t want her birth being associated with Laverne’s death. There are just so many layers of sadness here. It’s like one big emotional onion, continuously being peeled. The clip has the comic relief of Elliot telling that weird and stupid story about her friend in school that annoys me because Elliot annoys me, but also J.D., who is desperately wanting to be Dr. Cox’s daughter’s god-father, but it is all intricately woven together with the sad moments. “Scrubs” has an insane talent for that. So, the most depressing aspect of this clip is clearly the passing of Laverne, but I’d also like to argue that there is another depressing aspect at the end of the clip. The doctors go out for a beer and toast to Laverne, communally grieving and commemorating her, but J.D. and Jordan are left in her hospital room, waiting for people to arrive to meet the new baby. Is this sad to anyone else? I’m not even talking about how no one is visiting Jordan and her baby, but I mean how J.D. is not out with the rest of the doctors drinking to Laverne. If I were J.D., I know my feelings would be hurt. Crushed, really. I’d be crying when I found out they all drank together without me. And not only because I like drinking and being included in everything that my friends and acquaintances do, but because that was a really touching moment that they will all remember and J.D. didn’t get to be a part of it. I don’t know, I just think that makes the situation even sadder. I’m getting worked up thinking about it.

The Office “Jim and Pam’s Wedding”: I think that Jim and Pam’s wedding is really cute, but I don’t know if I would necessarily call it “weepy”. I’m looking for tears of sadness, website I found through a Google search, not tears of “awww that’s so cute. Michael Scott is funny; everyone almost messed up the wedding! Good thing Jim and Pam were smarter and knew ahead of time to make sure this didn’t happen. Awww, Jim and Pam are so cute”.

Futurama “Jurassic Bark”: K, so I used to watch “Futurama” when it was on back in the 90’s or whatever decade it was, then stopped because I just stopped caring, I guess. Whatever, I was over it and I don’t regret what happened. So, I have no idea what this episode was actually about. I’m assuming that Fry’s dog has been found fossilized. That seems to be fairly obvious. But whatever, this clip is actually so upsetting. I’m not someone who “cares” about “animals”. There was no need for the quotation marks around “animals”, I just thought it made me sound more dramatic. As my mother said earlier today, “I don’t like things that are alive and not human”. Wise words, mom. Wise words. But, this is just sad. Fry says he wonders how the dog became fossilized, so there is a flashback to 2000, when Fry was transported to the year 3000. The dog just sits there for what seems like years judging from that dude who works in the pizza shop’s changing appearance. Like, how depressing is that? The dog just sits. And waits. And the man brings him pizza but the dog doesn’t eat it. I don’t understand how the dog could have survived for years if it didn’t eat, but um, also, it hangs out in snow, so I’m genuinely confused as to how the dog lived as long as it did. And the dog’s face at the end. That is the face of sadness. Angels lose their wings when they see the face of that dog. Also, the music playing. I’m a sucker for music of the past (and by “past”, I don’t mean the 90’s when we were all into boy bands and now it’s wicked cool to be into them again). The music playing in this scene just gives it a different feel than if the dog was sitting there in silence or something. It makes it nostalgic and you know what’s going to happen to the animal. Damn, that was actually really upsetting. Come on, Matt Groening. That was dark.

Scrubs “My Lunch”: All right, so this episode is about J.D. finally receiving love and friendship from Dr. Cox after one of his patients dies or something and it seems like all is good. There’s this wicked annoying patient on it that was on the show during one of the first seasons and she’s back. She dies and there are three patients waiting on organs, so they finally have their donor. Also, Dr. Cox is a good friend with one of the patients, so he is very pleased. I bet you’ve all figured out exactly where this is going now, huh? Well, you’re all correct. That organ donor has rabies and they didn’t find out until after all three other patients had been given her organs. You all guessed that, right? I’m just going to assume so. You’re all so smart. Yeah, so all three patients die and Dr. Cox just gets real mad and forgets all of the words of advice he gave to J.D. earlier about his patient dying. This actually isn’t that sad. They could have picked a much better clip if need be that this website had a three “Scrubs” episodes quota to reach. Like there’s one where this lovable old lady who has been in the hospital for a while is finally being released, and then this screw up intern gets her sick again and she doesn’t realize it and “Fix You” by Coldplay is saying so it’s all just so upsetting. But whatever, this website. You do you, I’ma do me. Dipset.

How I Met Your Mother “Bad News”: So, this website only has a picture of this episode for some reason, so I’ll include a 13 second YouTube clip because I can’t find a longer one that makes sense or is in English. Essentially, Marshall and Lily are getting nervous because they’re having trouble getting pregnant. They’re both tested and Marshall is extremely nervous because he’s afraid it’s him that’s the problem. Throughout the episode, they show flashbacks and continuous clips of Marshall calling his father for advice and to give him good news. His father always answers and is sitting in his same garage working on something. So, Marshall gets the good news that he isn’t baron or something and he calls his dad and his dad doesn’t answer the phone and the scene shows the garage, but Marshall’s father isn’t there. Marshall’s wicked excited though so he ignores this as being weird. He runs out to talk to Lily and she tells him that his father passed away. This is really depressing and upsetting because as opposed to other shows, like “Scrubs”, which doesn’t have a laugh track/live audience, “How I Met Your Mother” does, so it’s always extremely unsettling to me when shows with laugh tracks have no one laughing. If there’s a real audience there, I can’t imagine how uncomfortable all of them felt. I’m assuming it wasn’t a real audience, I feel like an ass for even suggesting there could have been. But yet, that’s always so off to me. Also, “How I Met Your Mother” gets laughs constantly, so it’s even more disturbing that it’s just Jason Segel being sad. Also, it’s Jason Segel. JASON SEGEL SHOULD ONLY BE SAD AND CRYING TO BE HUMOROUS LIKE HE DID IN “FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL” WHEN HE HAS SEX WITH THAT WOMAN AND THEN CRIES. I’m sorry, I got worked up. I just love Jason Segel and never want to see him sad. Seriously though, this episode almost made me cry the first time I watched it. It’s just so unnatural with the rest of the show.

The Wonder Years “Independence Day”: Damn, this was the final episode of “The Wonder Years”. My God, do I love that show. That’s a damn good show, right there. A damn good show. So coming of age. So many noogies. So many girls wearing three pigtails (there was actually only one). So, I forget what happens this entire episode. If you asked me to name what happened in this episode from memory before I watched this clip of the last four minutes, I’d say that I remembered one thing happening, but really, so much occurs. So, apparently Kevin Arnold hasn’t been home in a long time and apparently neither has Winnie Cooper. But they’re back for the fourth of July for some reason unknown to me. Paul’s still weird looking as fuck, so he has that going for him. Good thing him and Kev stay in touch later, huh? And apparently Kevin wasn’t speaking to his family at this point. Also, his rebellious hippy sister is pretty pregnant which he didn’t know about so how fucking long has Kevin been gone? What’s going on here? I could easily look it up, but I’d rather be confused. All right, so Kevin tells the audience what happens to everyone later in life because the show is ending. Damn, I’ve been watching “Boy Meets World” pretty much daily these past few weeks and those Savage brothers really look a lot alike which I never thought when I was younger. Also, can I say, Fred Savage, hubba hubba. You know what I mean? Kid’s a real cutie. Anyway, so his sister, mother, and brother apparently just go on to live the lives that you’d expect of them. I guess. I don’t even know anymore. But here’s the killer: Kevin says that his weird looking brother took over the family business in two years…when their father dies. Like okay. Right there. That alone, that statement alone is going to make me cry. Obviously he has to die at some point, but two years? That’s it? That’s so unbearably depressing to me. Especially since Kevin says that they mended their relationship. Obviously that’s really good, but they only get two more years together. All of the kids are still relatively young then. And their poor mother. That right there all kills me. And you just weren’t expecting him to say it. Pretty sneaky, Kevin Arnold. So, that was the only thing I remembered about how the episode ends. I kind of just assumed that Winnie and Kevin stay together, but then he drops that other bombshell that he greeted Winnie when she came back from Paris…with his wife and kids! Kevin! What is this shit?! I understand that “The Wonder Years” was different from other family shows at the time in that it displayed more realistic depictions of family life and real life and blah blah blah , and I get that Winnie and Kevin staying together, especially during that time period and after she’d been in Paris for 8 years, is cliché and unrealistic, but I don’t give a shit. I’m the number one person who hates when things are cliché and expected, but I don’t care. Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper belong together. This was just depressing on so many levels. I don’t believe in love anymore.

Scrubs “My Screw Up”: When Brian first brought up the idea about writing on really sad episodes of sitcoms, this was actually the first episode of a television show that came to mind. I cried when I first saw this episode. And I cried when I watched it again. “Scrubs”: triple threat. Killin it. So, Brendan Fraser plays Dr. Cox’s wife/exwife/wife’s brother who he is best friends with. In either the first or second season, he’s introduced and they find out that he has cancer. I think Leukemia. So, that in itself was depressing. But, then they brought him back in the third season and he chilled with Dr. Cox the entire episode, being fun and charming and making us laugh the entire way. Until this clip. Dr. Cox talks about his son’s birthday party during the episode and he apparently thinks that’s where he is, even though I think it’s kind of clear from the background and his outfit that he’s not going to a child’s birthday party. Then Brendan Fraser says something ominous and weird that Dr. Cox doesn’t understand and it’s revealed: Brendan Fraser has died. I don’t remember the full episode well enough to know if there was a time earlier in it that we might pick up that he’s died, but from what I recall from my initial reaction seeing it for the first time, we’re completely blindsided by the death. As far as I remember, we have no idea that he’s going to be dead, perhaps he’s even been dead the whole time. Who knows? We were tricked. Pretty rude. But anyway, this is sad. This is real sad. It’s always sad when Dr. Cox gets sad and shows emotion since he’s such a sassy beast in every other episode. Also, again, the music is so perfectly placed here. That Zach Braff, he knows his music selection. This episode will always succeed in getting me teary eyed. And that is a job well done, “Scrubs”.

So, I guess those are some sad episodes of shows, as according to this website. I agree with them. It’s kind of weird looking at more recent shows, as opposed to shows that were absolutely terrible in the 80’s and 90’s and no one realized. Maybe we’ll look back in 20 years at these shows and realize they’re terrible, but who has time for that now? No one. Literally no one. Because we can’t fast forward and see what’s going on then. I miss my older shows. They’re so much easier to make fun of and not feel bad about making fun of them. Although, I have no feelings, so I don’t really know how my emotions would function. It’s anyone’s guess, really. If anyone finds out or has a guess to venture, I’m willing to listen. And then I’m willing to ignore you.