Tag Archives: television

if you’re tired you take a napa, you don’t MOVE to napa

14 May

I don’t care what decade we’re in or how many years it’s been off the air, I will always find “Sex and the City” to be relevant to our culture. Every day, new women (and men, I won’t leave you kids out) are discovering the show, relating to the storylines, and realizing that they are one of four women: a Carrie, a Charlotte, a Samantha, or a Miranda. Personally, I am a Miranda. I am cynical as fuck, we kind of treat men similarly, and we’re very sarcastic (you guys probably couldn’t pick up on that). I feel like most people have a mix of all of the women in them (despite how much you don’t want to be a Charlotte or a Carrie. Really, it’s how much I don’t want to be a Charlotte or a Carrie. Emphasis on Carrie), but there’s one whose storylines and dialogue really resonates with how you see yourself and you assume others see you.

Judging based on outfits alone, I'm definitely a Miranda. But I long to be a Carrie.

Judging based on outfits alone, I’m definitely a Miranda. But I long to be a Carrie.

It hasn’t happened in real life (yet), but on my OkCupid I make it a point to say that I’m a feminist because I wear that title PROUD, but then I list “Sex and the City” under my favorite shows, and I get called out. There will be a never-ending argument about if the show goes against feminism or if it’s helping out the cause. My stance on the show is that it is about four, strong female leads, two of which are independent (you can guess which two I find to be more independent), have firm careers, and are sexually liberated. However, I know that the show relies mostly on the relationship aspect, as it is called “SEX” and the city. Also, the women can come off as rather pathetic at times when dealing with the men in their lives and a lot of the times, the show makes it seem that having a relationship is the end-all in life. I think it walks a fine line of telling you to love yourself and love your friends, but more often than not, Carrie and Charlotte are complaining that they’re lonely and need to be in relationships. I guess that’s the point of the show though, as many women feel the same way and allow relationships to define their lives, so these characters are more relatable to them. However, in an ideal feminist sitcom, the women would have relationships, but it wouldn’t be the death of them if the relationships didn’t work out because we shouldn’t rely on a man to make us happy. That’s probably the most stereotypical feminist thing I can think to say. Regardless of anyone’s take on it, I just love the stupid show, despite wanting to punch Carrie in the face the majority of the time she’s on the screen.

Because 86 pearl necklaces at once simply aren't enough.

Because 86 pearl necklaces at once simply aren’t enough.

Yes, this post is about Carrie. Not just Carrie really, because I’d probably hang myself from my ceiling fan with my finest Chanel scarf (see what I did there? I don’t own a Chanel scarf, I’m trying to write like Carrie), but more about the age old debate that fans will always be on separate sides of the fence about: Big or Aidan. Yes. That’s what this is about. The show went off the year a decade ago, but I’m going to weigh in now, in 2013, with my thoughts about Carrie’s two biggest loves. And I will insult her other boyfriends along the way, don’t worry.

So. There’s lots to say here. Let’s make fun of her other boyfriends first. I’d say Carrie’s big four boyfriends are Big, Aidan, Berger, and the Russian, who absolutely does not deserve to be referred to by a real name because he is horrible in every sense of the word. I say that these are her big four because she dated each of them for more than two episodes and she also said “I love you” to all of them. So, let’s do this. The Russian, as I said, is horrible. He’s pretentious, has a very odd sense of humor, and Carrie is just extremely annoying with him. I think a lot of why I hate the Russian is because I hate how Carrie acts with the him. He’s naturally a romantic and Carrie can’t handle it because she’s a fucking idiot. Like she faints because he wants to dance with her to a string orchestra. Like excuse me? No. That’s a BIT dramatic, you moron. Also, he takes her to Paris, she went by choice not by force, and she is miserable the whole time. I get that she’s away from her friends and he is distracted because he has a big art show coming up, but Carrie, you’re in fucking Paris. I’ve been to Paris before, it’s amazing. NEVER complain if you’re in Paris. Also, you knew he’d be busy, HE MOVED THERE BECAUSE HE HAS AN ART SHOW. Guy’s gotta work, not everyone needs to be at your whim 24/7.

Hottest picture I could find.

Hottest picture I could find.

Right, then there’s Berger. I’m someone who originally loved Berger, I thought he had great potential. He was funny, a writer, cute. THE TOTAL PACKAGE, AMIRITE LADIEZ? Anyway, he goes completely insane when he’s dropped by his publisher and then takes it out on Carrie. Carrie does do this annoying thing where she points out a character in his book shouldn’t be wearing a scrunchie. While I’m actually not annoyed at Carrie for doing that, really (she is, after all, a writer and she was giving him her opinion after a rave review of the book), I’m more annoyed at Carrie because I fucking despise when I’ve already done something and people tell me I should have done something differently. Like, sorry, excuse me, can I go back in time and fix that? No? Fuck you then. But yeah, Berger goes bat shit and breaks up with Carrie on a post-it note and that’s one of the best storylines on television ever, it’s actually almost perfect to me. Carrie deserves that.

Berger is unfortunately the reason why "He's Just Not That Into You" was created. And that's unforgivable.

Berger is unfortunately the reason why “He’s Just Not That Into You” was created. And that’s unforgivable.

So now the big two. Here we go. It seems so clear cut, really. Big is a complete asshole who fucked with Carrie for multiple years and was reluctant to ever commit to her, while Aidan is (inexplicably) in love with Carrie, wants to marry her, and is a total cutie (season four, never season three. That hair is inexcusable).  Therefore, most people think Aidan is the better choice for Carrie and are angry that she ends up with Big. I agree with half of that, Aidan is a much better man. But that’s not the point here. While Aidan is a better person, he is not, in the end, the man that Carrie wanted to be with. Carrie seemed to get off on her twisted relationship with Big. She wouldn’t have gone back to him so many times if she didn’t. There was something there, the chase, perhaps, that brought her back time and again. That was never really the case with Aidan, and Carrie never seemed to ever be content while she was with him.

Like seriously, that hair?

Like seriously, that hair?

For example, when Carrie and Aidan first date in season three, she has extreme issues with meeting his parents, becoming serious with him, quitting smoking for him, etc. There is an episode dedicated to the fact that she’s freaking out about their relationship because there’s nothing wrong with it. It keeps her up at night. I’d have to say there’s something wrong with you if you have a problem with not having a problem in your relationship (I was that person once, it’s no way to live). Carrie could never just accept the relationship and move on. Also, from the description I gave above, it seemed like Carrie had to do a lot of changing to be the person she thought Aidan wanted her to be, and one should never compromise oneself. Except maybe if you’re Carrie, it would probably be best for the world to get a complete personality transplant. Then, there is the biggest problem in their relationship, the fact that Carrie has an extended affair (I say extended because it lasted about three episodes) with Big, her ex, while dating Aidan. My biggest problem with the affair is that Carrie seemed to not give a shit about Aidan’s feelings in all of it. Every time she was mad at herself for what she was doing, it was because Big was married and had a wife and he was cheating on her. Never once did Carrie say, “oh right, I have a boyfriend I supposedly love”. She just wanted to keep Aidan around because she knew she could. And then once they broke up and got back together in season four, their entire relationship was problematic because Aidan (rightfully) couldn’t trust Carrie, they wanted to lead separate lives (i.e. the episode where she wants to go clubbing and Aidan would rather be a hillbilly with his dog in a pair of tighty whities), and she threw up when she found the engagement ring he bought her. Like, none of these things scream “YOU TWO SHOULD BE IN A RELATIONSHIP” to me. Once engaged, despite the fact that Carrie didn’t even seem to want to marry Aidan and that she’s an idiot, she has physical reactions to the idea of marriage and they call the whole thing off. Essentially every episode with Aidan in it while him and Carrie are dating are about the problems in their relationship. They could never just be happy and enjoying one another, something HAD to be wrong (this probably has to do with the fact that Carrie is an insane drama queen).

Not understanding that caption, but Aidan and Carrie were hillbillies. Aidan is the king of the hillbillies.

Not understanding that caption, but Aidan and Carrie were hillbillies. Aidan is the king of the hillbillies.

So now, Big. Big is an asshole, I’ve already said that. He strung Carrie along, messed with her head. We’ve all been there (maybe just me, whatever, eff you guys), and we know it’s completely unhealthy. However, we also know there is something about it that keeps you in it, despite how mentally and emotionally draining the situation is. Even after all of the shit the two of them went through after dating and after their affair, Carrie and Big decide to be friends still, they hang out, have long, late night phone calls. It’s really painfully obvious during the show they’re going to end up together, he wouldn’t have been kept around otherwise. It’s the same way I feel about Miranda and Steve, but we’re not talking about them (BECAUSE THEY’RE PERFECT. JK I just love Steve). Carrie is the kind of person who needs to have drama in her life and in her relationships. She didn’t get that FROM Aidan, so she needed to create it in her head to satisfy her sick need. However, she got more than her fill from Big, and that’s exactly what she desired. That’s my main point in all of this: Carrie wanted that messed up, dramatic relationship. As perfect as Aidan may seem on paper, he was never what Carrie wanted. In my opinion, Aidan deserved far better than Carrie, and I will not even get into discussing their fucked up storyline in the second movie (the second movie is sheer proof that some people just want to watch the world burn). It might seem crazy, but that’s just how some people are. They thrive off of dramatic situations, it’s how they feel alive, and I personally think it’s dumb (no offense to the zero people reading this, although I feel I’ve insulted everyone enough at this point that you should take no stock in what I say).

Her hair is so big because it's full of secrets. But also, you look like a fucking moron.

Her hair is so big because it’s full of secrets. But also, you look like a fucking moron.

To sum up, yet again, my thoughts lay in this: Aidan was the better man, but Big was the better man for Carrie. That’s who she was ultimately supposed to end up with, because that is the kind of man she was looking for, despite how emotionally sick he made her feel. That’s just Carrie’s character, and we were unfortunately fed that character and her depressing fashion choices for six seasons. I try to enjoy the show despite Carrie, that’s really how I get through it. But yes, these are my thoughts on this really relevant subject, and I hope everyone (no one) feels free to agree or disagree.

This pretty accurately sums up my hatred for Carrie...

This pretty accurately sums up my hatred for Carrie…

Also, I feel this isn’t brought up enough, but Aidan was corny as fuck. I mean, Carrie is too, her weekly column is effing ridiculous (as is her lifestyle that her weekly column SOMEHOW supports, I won’t even get into that bullshit, I’m still mad about it), some of the shit she spews out is down-right stomach-churning for how corny it is, but Aidan was corny in a different way. He seemed more genuinely corny because he actually said a lot of really cliché statements aloud, to Carrie, in public. They all embarrassed me. So like maybe in that way they made sense together, but ultimately, their mutual affection for corniness wasn’t enough to make their relationship work. Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes, it hurts instead.

Generally, it hurts instead. Stay strong, turtle doves.

This is my vision of true love <3

This is my vision of true love ❤

in defense of ross geller: a very special episode

19 Apr

I recently read an article on Buzzfeed entitled “35 Reasons Why Ross Geller is the Worst”. Now, as an avid “Friends” viewer (I could probably quote episodes in full to you, possibly verbatim, and I’m not ashamed of that. NO TEA NO SHADE, HUNTIES), I have had my fair share of struggle with Ross Geller throughout the years. Anyone who watches the show probably has. But, what I think happened with the person who wrote this article is that they were dwelling too much on the Ross of yesteryear (aka Ross seasons 1-4), as opposed to the incredible Ross of the later seasons. I have to assume that this is what they were doing, otherwise I’m afraid I might crumble and fall to pieces. I love Ross Geller.

Gross. Season 1 Ross. Just looking at him is the worst.

Gross. Season 1 Ross. Just looking at him is the worst.

You see, boys and ghouls, for anyone who somehow does not know, Ross is an extremely annoying character in seasons 1-4, emphasis on seasons 1, 2, and 3. He was whiny, annoying, self-obsessed, heterosexist, and frustratingly always thinking he was right. There were episodes dealing with essentially all of these issues. Getting together with Rachel did make Ross a more likable and bearable character, but then came the episodes I hate to watch. I am talking about when Rachel meets Mark and he gets her the job at Bloomingdales. Ross’s insane jealousy of Mark is out of control. YES, technically he was correct that Mark wanted to sleep with Rachel, but that isn’t the point. The point is that he was immediately jealous of this new character and apparently didn’t have enough faith in Rachel to get over it, seemingly not knowing that Rachel would never do anything with Mark to jeopardize her relationship with Ross.

Then there’s the debate that the show twisted in later seasons, “were they or were they not on a break”. I cannot stress this enough: the original question that broke up Ross and Rachel was not if they were on a break or not. They were on a break, we all know this. The problem was that Ross slept with that copy shop girl (who, by the way, was not as hot as the male characters on the show made her out to be, sorry I’m not sorry) on the same night that him and Rachel broke up, after he had gotten mad at Rachel for being in the same room as Mark (must note, Rachel never slept with Mark. C’mon Ross), and then tried to cover his tracks so Rachel would never find out about what had happened. In my opinion, Ross is entirely in the wrong. We technically can’t consider this cheating (no one stab me for saying that, I watch “Sex and the City”, I’ve heard of their “cheating curve”), but my real problem is that Ross was not giving a shit about Rachel’s job that she loved and was trying to take seriously, because he was out of control jealous of Mark. It’s a problem that he slept with someone immediately after him and Rachel simply went on a break, before actually discussing with her if it was a break up. The show changes the issue to the ongoing joke of “we were on a break”, when really, that has nothing to do with it. We all know they were on a break, but we don’t know for a fact if Ross was in the wrong for his actions (I think he was, the break up has nothing to do with Mark, but Ross’s insane insecurity and lack of being able to get over his jealousy).

But yeah, there’s my rant about Ross seasons 1-3, really. He gets better in season 4. I assume it’s because they added the character of Emily and everyone looks good in comparison to her. She really sucked. However, it’s season 5 that I began to fall in love with Ross.

Best thing this schmuck could have ever done for himself.

Best thing this schmuck could have ever done for himself was saying the wrong name.

After him and Emily break up (“good riddance to bad rubbish”, all of America collectively thought at the same exact moment), Ross goes insane. And it is hysterical. The after-Thanksgiving sandwich that Ross’s boss eats and then Ross freaks out about, leading him to have to take a sabbatical. Ross’s “rage”. The leather pants he wears that turn into his “paste pants”. Trying to get a couch upstairs and continuously yelling “PIVOT” at Chandler and Rachel when there was clearly no room to pivot. Marrying Rachel in Vegas and then lying to her about getting an annulment. Getting divorced. Again. When he bleaches his teeth that glow in the dark because he is overly excited for an upcoming date. The dance routine he does with his sister for New Year’s that they made up when they were in high school. The Holiday armadillo, Santa’s half-Jewish friend (absolutely genius). Dating Mona (who might be worse than Emily, that’s my opinion) and forgetting about her all of the time. When he’s upset about Rachel and Joey dating (but really, we were all upset about Rachel and Joey dating, that was a dark time), and he got drunk, made an impromptu speech about love, claimed he was “FINE” and then shouted, “MY FAJITAS!”. When Chandler claims that Ross died on their alumni website and Ross decides to stage a memorial service to see who shows up. When he eats too much maple candy and wants to steal the contents of everything in his hotel room. And I will leave you with the mental image of Ross getting a tan, but only getting sprayed on his front side, so he’s completely white all down his back.

Why tease you with the mental image when I have the actual image right here? Plus, now we're all in the know about who plays the tanning salon guy. We're all the wiser for this.

Why tease you with the mental image when I have the actual image right here? Plus, now we’re all in the know about who plays the tanning salon guy. We’re all the wiser for this.

It wouldn't be right to not give you the holiday armadillo.

It wouldn’t be right to not give you the holiday armadillo.

You got yourself a pair of paste pants.

You got yourself a pair of paste pants.

Ross Geller in the 80's: Every woman's dream.

Ross Geller in the 80’s: Every woman’s dream.

"Who has a black light?! It's 1999!"

“Who has a black light?! It’s 1999!”

As a final treat, here's just a really nice picture of Ross.

As a final treat, here’s just a really nice picture of Ross.

The writer of the Buzzfeed article tries to pretend these moments weren’t endearing, but really, they make Ross amazing. Most of the gifs this columnist added were from some of Ross’s best moments. The writers spent a lot of time focusing on the storylines of other characters and then giving Ross these ridiculous subplots that were automatically the main source of comedy, for me at least. If I had to choose any character to watch a show about just living his or her day-to-day life, it would be Ross. For him, a mundane task like getting the newspaper would be turned into an entertaining adventure. Whoever wrote the Buzzfeed article must have been watching a different show from me, because Ross goes from (probably everyone’s) least favorite to one of the best characters on “Friends”. The writers decided just to make him more of a joke as a character in general. He’s still whiny, but he’s whiny in a funny way, such as when he yells “MAJOR SHAMPOO EXPLOSION” after stolen toiletries explode in his luggage, and then asks God, “why do bad things happen to good people?” Ross makes a complete 180 and easily becomes one of the funniest characters.

And I really have to give kudos to David Schwimmer here, because his line delivery in all of his scenes is absolutely amazing. He knows exactly when to shout certain words, when there should be extra emphasis on different syllables, and he is damn entertaining at acting drunk. So I don’t care what you say, Buzzfeed. Ross Geller is absolutely anything BUT the worst.

The worst goes to Monica. SORRY, I’M NOT SORRY. I SAID IT. We were all thinking it. Let’s move on.

Oh and if anything, we should all be able to appreciate Ross for his hair in season 5 alone. It is out of control and it is amazing.

Such a luscious mane of crazy hair.

Such a luscious mane of crazy hair.

So, as a send-off for the end of this post, here are some YouTube videos of Ross Geller’s finest moments. I think we can all learn a lesson or six from Ross on how we can truly live, and I probably quote all of his one liners on a daily basis. Goodbye, and may the odds be ever in your favor, darling.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t actually watch any of those videos. They’re probably all the same moments overlapping, but I frankly do not care. I can’t get enough dinosaurs! Or Ross Geller (season 5 on, of course).

Ross Geller: A god amongst mortals.

Ross Geller: A god amongst mortals.

i need to get my frank sinatra playlist in order

15 Apr

As much as I like to think of myself as a realist, I think I have to accept that my thoughts lean toward those of a pessimist point of view. The proverbial cup tends to be neither half full nor half empty, but instead, almost entirely empty. I like to pretend that I think this way because it’s the most realistic approach, but really, I think I’m trying to fool myself into thinking I’m less a miserable human being than I really am.

But despite my affinity for thinking the worst, I have some impending new life changes on the horizon that I am actually actively making myself think positively about, lest I have a panic attack every twenty minutes every single day. I am planning to move in June to New York with my good friend Lauren (check out her blog, suckers. She’s on this site, too. There’s a chance she’s the only person reading this entry. There’s also a chance she’s not reading it at all. Let’s hope for the best) to get the hell out of Massachusetts and try something new to further our lives. They’re pretty bleak in Watertown. If I stay here too much longer I might explode. I actually assume my body is going to explode at some point, but it would be so much more eventful if it happened in the big city (da big apple lolzzzz).

I want to take this time to make a special shout out to my palz Steph and Liz; Steph who was my roommate soulmate when we were paired together in London and Lauren and I will also be living with once we move, and Liz, who was one of my roommates in Amherst last year but is now in New York, and I cannot wait to live in the same vicinity as again. Both of them make the thought of the move even more exciting. Moving with Lauren does, too, I guess. Lololololzzzzz #BadassBitch #LuvMyGrlz

Now to be serious and genuine on this blog for once in my life. I’m looking to get into television production. Ideally at some point I would love to write for television, but for the time being, I’d be more than happy working my way through the business and would be ecstatic just to be a part of it. My biggest passion is probably television and I don’t care how sad that makes me sound, it’s what field I want to be involved in because I feel like it’s what I am destined to be a part of eventually. I’m twenty-two, this is the best time for me to go. I’m young enough where even if I totally fuck up, I have time to figure my life out. I like having that option. It’s scary, but also amazing.

I am also at the point in my life where I need a change of environment. Living at home is not a problem because my parents are overbearing or anything, I really get a lot of freedom here. It’s the fact that I’m twenty-two and I lived away for four years and am not used to being here anymore. I shouldn’t be in Watertown. Aside from family and (roughly four) friends, there is nothing here for me. It’s time for me to leave the Boston area and go somewhere new that has more opportunity for me. I’m really looking forward to the change and I really think I need it for my mental stability and wellbeing. I don’t know if you all (all zero of you) have sensed it, but I’m more on the crazy side than the sane side, and I’m hoping to maybe even that out a bit more if I’m somewhere else.

Also, my favorite place that I have ever lived is London. I never thought I would see myself as someone who would love to live in a city, but ever since I came back from there, I’ve missed being in a big city so much. Sure, Boston is a city, but it’s too small for me. I need somewhere bigger, with tons of boroughs to explore. I don’t need a square I can walk from destination to destination in. The second I got to Piccadilly Square in London, I immediately thought of Times Square. The more I went around London and then later went around New York, the two reminded me of one another. I think that New York will be a great London substitute since I can’t make my way back there (as of now, it would be amazing if I could eventually live there again, but who knows what’s gonna happen in life? I ain’t a psychic or nothin’), I might as well be as close as I can be here in the states. I think that’s something I need.

So, because of my excitement over the idea of being somewhere new, I need to keep my thoughts positive. I know how difficult it can be to survive in the city. But, I can’t focus on that. Sometimes, when I’m trying to fall asleep at night, I can’t stop thinking about money and moving and costs and jobs and everything that a person is supposed to worry about when going through a transition like this. And whenever I do, I feel entirely anxious, I want to cry and I cannot shake the feeling. I’ve learned that thinking positively really does make a difference, despite how much I hate optimists (sorry about how horrible that sounds, but I just think they’re so unrealistic and I don’t like inspirational quotes. They have no place in my life), I know I need to remain optimistic about the move to New York or I will absolutely lose my mind and not be able to function for probably a solid week. And that would get me nowhere. Because all that’s keeping me here now is the fact that I’m making money for my move and I can’t do that if I’m not functioning. I need to be at least partially functioning in order to get some dolla billz. I never thought I’d be someone to keep her head up so much, but hey, I guess that’s just what’s going on now. Hopefully I can someday soon return to the self-deprecating, self-loathing, mentally unstable pessimist we all know and have come to ignore. But for now, I guess I’ll keep thinking positively and listen to “Baby Don’t Cry”, both parts I and II, by Tupac to get me through life.

I suggest you all listen to Tupac regardless of your life situation. 1 luv.

Oh, also, I’m going to Governor’s Ball and I am pumped as fuck about that. Our move to New York coincides with the weekend of Governor’s Ball (for the most part), so that just makes me doubly as excited to get to June and be in New York. Good things on the horizon, people. Good things.

Again, listen to Tupac. He speaks some powerful words.

a clever title about the irony of a show called “the real world”

26 Mar

For some reason, a new season of “The Real World” begins on Wednesday, and for another reason unkown to me, they are filming in Portland. Why? Just why? Well, whatever the reason, in honor of this occasion, MTV made the incredible decision to air older seasons of “The Real World” over this past weekend. On Saturday, there was a marathon of the original “Real World Las Vegas” from 2002 and on Sunday, they aired “Real World San Francisco” from 1994. MTV did a pretty solid job of fucking up any chance of productivity I was going to have. I spent literally over an hour arguing with myself if I was going to work out because I really wanted to watch Vegas and I don’t have cable in the room I work out in. In case you’re wondering, television shockingly won out, and I stayed confined to my bed for as long as humanly possible, basking in the glory of the early 00’s drama and straight up astounding wardrobe choices (so many bandanas and terribly fitted and designed pants).

Seriously. Those pants.

Seriously. Those pants.

People, no one, whoever I am addressing who could possibly reading this blog (but I find that highly doubtful), I cannot even begin to explain to you how different “The Real World” is now from how it used to be. It’s as if it’s an entirely different show. I actually think they should give it a new name, since the world on the show now clearly does not depict real life (yeah, I went there. You knew it was coming, and there it is. The irony of the name). Even from the two seasons I watched, the shows were different. It had to evolve (unfortunately really) over time, and this marathon just showed me how asinine and degenerate both the casts and show itself have become.

“The Real World Las Vegas” was actually the first season of the show I ever watched. I was 12 and absolutely should have not been watching the show. I had no place there. I had no idea what a three-way was and it occurred like three episodes in. I was in for a world that I would not understand for years to come. Or even now, really. Irulan, my favorite, was in an open relationship. Not to undermine anyone in an open relationship, but I don’t get that shit. Either commit or break up, don’t keep it open ended. That’s just being greedy as fuck. But, it left room for her to engage in the romance of a lifetime with Alton and not feel too guilty about it (they didn’t have the romance of a lifetime, I just like to idolize their relationship in my head because they were so cute together). This group of people was all about drinking, getting wasted, having sex, etc etc, what we’ve come to know (and hate) about the show in recent years, but unlike what I’ve seen recently, the show did try to actually deal with other issues. Pretty much every cast member had a deep dark past that was explored. Three of the female roommates had eating disorders, one of the male roommates had been molested when he was younger and was homophobic because of it, another roommate’s mother died when she was 14 and she never felt like her father thought she was good enough. Along with this, there was drama other than who was hooking up with whom on the show, such as Trishelle thinking she might be pregnant. That shit right there got real. No other season recently has dealt with anything like that, I think, or at least not seriously (I’m not the best authority on this because my interest in the show has waned over the past few repetitive years). Alton’s ex-girlfriend before coming on the show thought she might be pregnant. Everyone thought they were pregnant apparently. I feel like in recent seasons also, there is a cast member that everyone bands together to hate, or they don’t all genuinely like one another, but I feel like this cast actually did bond and grow to love one another, despite their problems. Also, their outfits were hilarious. The early 00’s were a terrible time to be alive and wear clothes. I know from experience. That was the height of my ugliness. But the original Vegas season just had a different feel from it than the newer ones. Aside from Brynn throwing a fork at Steven (hysterical, he had frosted tips), the housemates weren’t getting into fights with each other or anyone else every single night. The house didn’t get destroyed. They still had to go to their jobs and work. They had to pay their bills still and had money problems. The show was just a lot less surface than it is now.

I unfortunately couldn't find any worthwhile pictures of their outfits :(

I unfortunately couldn’t find anymore worthwhile pictures of their outfits 😦

Now, turning to an even different show, the 1994 season in San Francisco was literally like nothing I’d seen. I had never watched the season before, but had known about it because it was famous for housemates Puck and Pedro. Puck was a dick and got kicked out of the house because of his disrespect of pretty much everyone, but mostly Pedro, who was HIV positive. Pedro actually died months after the show aired and it’s incredible to me now that his story could have been documented in such a way, especially in the early 90’s, where although the stigma of HIV as a “gay disease” was wearing off, it was also very prevalent still. You’d think that since we’ve evolved as a society (I guess, we’re at least supposed to think that) since ’94, the show would portray someone like Pedro today. But really, I don’t think that’s what the show is about anymore. On this season of “The Real World”, the housemates literally carried on with their every day lives, but lived in a house together. Some of the housemates were students and still had to go to class, they had to go to their jobs that they already had, they had fun days out at the park, or roller blading and riding their bikes. They went rock climbing, Puck’s replacement, Jo, had to go to court because she had a restraining order on her ex-husband. It was literally people living their real lives, but just in a shared environment with new people. They weren’t just there to get drunk and have random hookups with people. These people were there to have an actual life altering experience for the better. My friend Amanda was texting me during the marathon and she pointed out that a difference between the ’94 cast and the cast of today is that these people actually had dreams and ambitions and were going about furthering their fulfillment. The casts of today don’t have those same desires, it seems. Sure we get our “wants to be a public activist” or “wants to catapult their career in music/entertainment industry” every once in a while, but really, the people on the show are there to be assholes for a few months on MTV’s dime. It’s just crazy how the show has changed. Another difference is that to be on the show now, it seems like the cast members have to have amazing bodies and be particularly good looking (by MTV’s standards. I could point out some uggos for you, though). On San Francisco, everyone was just a regular looking person. They weren’t all models thrown in a house together; they were average joes just living their lives. And there was something so incredible about watching that.

So. Much. Denim.

So. Much. Denim.

Watching the older seasons made me sad that our culture has advanced (or declined, really) in the way that it has. Obviously, “The Real World” was revolutionary and the first show of its kind at its time. They had license to do what they wanted and not have to worry about competition from other networks, so it was possible to create an amazing season about the social issues it covered in the earlier seasons. However, over time, as other stations created other shows to compete, MTV had to push the risk-factor, had to include more sexuality, drinking, and drama. This was apparent in the late 90’s and early 00’s, as Vegas was definitely a different season from San Francisco, but still, it had some heart. You didn’t immediately hate all of the housemates. They may have had their off moments, but there was something to like about everyone that lived in the house. Now, it seems the more unlikable a person is, the more likely they are to be cast for the show. The more likely they are to cause drama, have random sex, steal someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend, not give a fuck about repercussions, start fights, get black out, go to jail, etc, the more likely they are to be first in the house. It just makes me sad. Every season there’s a housemate who doesn’t really get that much air time, and it’s because they are the least dramatic and therefore, the most likable as a human being. They are also probably the most likely to do something beneficial for the world (in my opinion, who knows really). If you’re not going to be a mess the entire time, you’re not going to be recognized as a cast mate.

So this retro rewind to the glory days of “The Real World” did not get me excited to watch the new season of the show. Instead, it made me nostalgic for how it used to be, and I wish there was a station that only aired old seasons of the show. That’s what MTV should really consider doing instead of whatever the hell it’s doing now. It’s also just upsetting that the show has changed the way it has also represents our culture changing in the same ways. We are in such a sad, disparate, drinking, regressive culture. We’re not moving forward anymore. For every step forward of social activism there is, there’s twenty steps back from girls who say they’d let Chris Brown punch them if he kissed them after, or from guys who still think that it’s funny to make jokes about sexual abuse against women. I feel like we should be learning and we need to be learning, but instead, we’re being fed garbage. We’ve seen what “The Real World” is capable of with seasons like San Francisco, yet we’re stuck with the Neanderthals in the current seasons instead. And unfortunately, as much as I’d love to see a season like San Francisco happen again, I know it wouldn’t stand a chance surviving in our current market. That’s just sad to think about. I may sound like a hypocrite because I’m unfortunately living the life of some of the current “Real World” casts (I enjoy the occasional beer or sixteen), but as I was maturing and growing up, that’s how the seasons were evolving. The show has probably shaped me in ways I didn’t even realize, and now, this is where I am, when instead, maybe I could have been a doctor like Pam from San Francisco (that’s how life works, don’t argue this logic, “The Real World” decided who I am as a person now).

This is all the show is now. And it's making me jealous that I'm not in a hot tub drinking right now. I blame "The Real World" for all of my problems.

This is all the show is now. And it’s making me jealous that I’m not in a hot tub drinking right now. I blame “The Real World” for all of my problems.

friends forever, but ditch the dweeb

21 Mar

I was recently looking at a list of characters on tv shows that “we all secretly wished would get together” (I can’t find the link for it, so I apologize to the zero people reading this, and you can feel free to sue me). While I agreed with many of the selections, one pairing stood out to me that made me sick. That pairing was Screech Powers and Lisa Turtle from “Saved by the Bell”. Seeing this pair put on that list made me sad and also allowed me to lose what little bit of faith I had in this world.

Lisa hates EVERYTHING about the idea of her and Screech as a couple. EVERYTHING.

Lisa hates EVERYTHING about the idea of her and Screech as a couple. EVERYTHING.

I think one of my least favorite characters to ever be created is Screech from “Saved By the Bell”. I just find that he never adds anything but annoyance to a situation, and his character is perpetually stupid and unbelievable. Obviously, “Saved By the Bell” wasn’t wasting any time trying to be realistic, but I don’t care. No one would ever hang out with Screech, and DEFINITELY not the crew on the show. Those kids were cool, they were athletes and models and had a band. Those kids would never in a million years give Screech the time a day. And even if they did at the beginning because Screech was friends with Zack when he was younger, they would very quickly grow out of being his friend and start ignoring his annoying ass. They probably spent more time being pissed off at Screech about some stupid shit he did than they spent actually enjoying his company. What was there to enjoy? He sounded and looked stupid and always found a way to mess literally everything up (don’t care if I’m using “literally” in a hyperbolic sense here, it’s almost a true statement).

Oh my god I want to cause him bodily harm.

Oh my god I want to cause him bodily harm.

What demon created you?

What demon created you?

Seriously, he does not belong with this group of hotties. That random old guy makes more sense hanging out with them than Screech does.

Seriously, he does not belong with this group of hotties. That random old guy makes more sense hanging out with them than Screech does.

Now, let’s talk about Lisa Turtle. Lisa was entirely underappreciated on the show. She was on a list of annoying characters on some website I was looking at (can’t find that link either, you can all suck it), and I don’t understand how she made the list but Screech didn’t. Lisa was a fashionista, she was cute, and she always had all the hot gossip. However, this girl did not get her dues. She was always paired off with Screech, despite her disdain for him. She always got the shaft, while Kelly and Jessie were off hooking up with Zack and Slater. I don’t understand why. Obviously, Kelly was a babe and Jessie had that glamazon thing going on despite her horrible wardrobe, but Lisa was a total package and none of these guys ever realized it. I just felt bad for her.

Girl knows how to look GOOD.

Girl knows how to look GOOD.

I guess Jessie needed more attention from guys because she had that crippling caffeine pill addiction that one time.

I guess Jessie needed more attention from guys because she had that crippling caffeine pill addiction that one time.

There was one episode in like the last season where Lisa and Zack make out, but that romance fades before it even begins, and it’s just unfair. The two of them totally should have gotten together for real. She deserved it. Zack was a fox and she was a high-class woman. Lisa Turtle didn’t need to be thrown to the side at every turn and be stuck going as Screech’s date to the movies or to the dance. You can tell that Lisa more than anyone didn’t even want to be Screech’s friend, and I think she should have gotten her way and just stopped hanging out with him. It was almost forceful the way she had to hang out with him, she didn’t even pretend to enjoy his company. And I love that about Lisa. A girl after my own heart.

The good ol' day. Singular. One day.

The good ol’ day. Singular. One day.

More than I love Lisa Turtle, I just really hate Screech. I don’t watch the show as often as I once did (I was watching for two hours every day like two months ago), but I will never lose my hatred for Screech. He was probably genuinely funny one time on the entirety of the show. There was an episode of “Saved By the Bell: The College Years” (I’ve seen every episode multiple times for some reason), in which he steals a girl away from Zack. Excuse me? We’re supposed to believe that would happen? Not only is Zack foxy as shit AND a smooth motherfucker, but Screech is awkward and consistently obnoxious. WHO WOULD WANT THAT IN THEIR LIFE?  Not me, that’s for damn sure. There was an episode of the original show where Kelly thought she had feelings for Screech, and that really just embarrassed me more than anything. Poor girl, all mixed up. So embarrassing. Thankfully she came to her right mind and obviously ends up with Zack, but that was a really terrifying lapse in judgment for that one episode. There’s almost no coming back from that.

I don't think it's even possible to compare these two, they're essentially different species.

I don’t think it’s even possible to compare these two, they’re essentially different species.

Ultimately, Lisa should have gotten shown more respect by the writers and by her friends and Screech should have been kept at a far distance from her (and everyone, really) at all times. Preferably underground. What I’m saying is Screech should have been killed off. That would have solved everyone’s problem. Or mostly mine, but really, I’m selfish and I should get what I want, no questions asked. I really don’t think the show would have changed in any possible way if Screech was no longer there, except maybe we’d have less episodes with entirely asinine storylines devoted to him. The world would really be a better place today if that could have just happened.

A little bit tighter there, Zack...

A little bit tighter there, Zack…

the rise and fall of “girls”

21 Mar

WARNING: Spoilerz ahead!!!

When “Girls” premiered last year, I was immediately on board. From the first preview of the show, I knew I needed to see it and that I was going to fall in love with it. I was correct; I did love the show and watched all of the episodes multiple times. Obviously, the show drew connections to “Sex and the City” before it even premiered, as they are both based around four white women in New York. However, as someone who loves “Sex and the City” but gets extremely angry whenever Carrie’s lifestyle isn’t explained and she’s somehow not always on the brink of bankruptcy, I was interested in seeing how “Girls” would tackle living in New York more realistically.

Sorry, totally irrelevant, but I just need to remind people that Carrie Bradshaw once wore this outfit.

Sorry, totally irrelevant, but I just need to remind people that Carrie Bradshaw once wore this outfit.

The show did not disappoint in the first season. Aside from one or two episodes (aka when Hannah went home, I just didn’t get it or like it, and then the entire season finale which just didn’t make sense to me), I was hooked and dying for January so the show would come back for the second season. I wanted to know what was going to happen with these four women who were surely going to be going through a myriad of changes in their lives.

The good ol' days.

The good ol’ days.

Well, I had high hopes for the second season, but they all went to shit. I found myself increasingly angry with Hannah as a character, wondering where Jessa was, wanting Marnie to stop existing because everything she did made me uncomfortable, and wishing that more had happened in the episodes, because seriously, not much was happening in these episodes. There were only a total of two out of the ten episodes this past season of “Girls” that I actually liked, and I feel that’s never a good thing. Where last season I found Hannah funnier and more relatable, I found myself thinking that Lena Dunham was making it her personal mission to make Hannah as unlikable as possible. The episode where Hannah stayed with that doctor she had just met for the entire weekend solidified my hatred for her. I just did not want the show to revolve around his character, but I knew that I was stuck having to deal with that. I hate that they decided to give Hannah OCD with three episodes left in the season. I understand that OCD can go away and come back depending on life stress situations, but really? No mention of it AT ALL? And then all of a sudden, it’s this huge deal? Like, no. That just made Hannah more annoying. Add another annoying quirk to her already loathsome character. Also, Hannah puncturing her eardrum with the q-tip and then doing it again knowingly to the other ear made me physically ill, I just hated every moment of that experience.

Season 1 Hannah: totally relatable

Season 1 Hannah: totally relatable

What bothers me also is that Hannah went from being relatable to just being flat out pathetic. You can tell that Hannah thinks she is incredible, despite what she had said about herself in the first season, and it’s just frustrating. I did not need to see her yelling at Marnie that Marnie is the bad friend because she had sex with Hannah’s gay ex-boyfriend. Like excuse me? Your gay ex-boyfriend? Really? (Also, I hated that storyline in general because that just does not happen in real life, gay men do not just randomly hook up with straight women because they’re both attractive). That was pathetic of her. Hannah is no prized friend herself. And when she told that doctor man that she is “too sensitive” and “too not crazy”, I wanted to tear my eyes out. Hannah does this thing where she is pathetic and annoying and so extraordinarily needy, and then when she is finally called out, such as in the last episode in which that junkie downstairs yelled at her for having terrible insides and being a horrible person, it didn’t matter and she didn’t need to learn anything from his words, because she ultimately got what she wanted. And the show became a Meg Ryan movie for like five minutes, which was just not up my alley.

What also bothered me this season is that every man Hannah came across just wanted to make out with her or have sex with her. I am aware that Lena Dunham faces a lot of criticism about the way she looks, and that is not what I am commenting on here. I don’t have an issue with the way Hannah looks, aside from thinking that she dresses very unflatteringly. My problem here is that not every guy you meet is just going to want to have sex with your or make out with you. That just does not happen. Sometimes, a guy will just say “no, I would not like to make out with you”, and that is that. Life moves on. It’s just so frustrating to me, and it literally happened like four or five episodes in a row for Hannah. That is just not life.

My favorite characters on the show are Shoshana and Jessa, because I find them both hilarious. However, Jessa was almost non-existent this season. I understand that Jemima Kirke was pregnant, but I really just missed her. Also, we finally got an episode where Jessa shows her vulnerability, after breaking up with her husband, and then that is taken away from us. If anything, I would love an episode devoted to Jessa that looks into her further. And I’m not talking about the episode where she visits her father and Hannah randomly fucks her 19 year old step-brother or whatever relation he is to Jessa (for no reason whatsoever. But why wouldn’t that happen?). I mean a real episode, where we learn more about Jessa. We got an episode this season revolved around one character, but that was unfortunately Hannah. And it was my least favorite half hour of television to ever exist. Lena Dunham owes me back 28 minutes of my life.

This is what Jessa's step-brother or whatever he is looks like. Who wouldn't fuck him because of that turtleneck alone?

This is what Jessa’s step-brother or whatever he is looks like. Who wouldn’t fuck him because of that turtleneck alone?

I love Shoshana but her hairstyles were just making me upset the entire season. However, ignoring her hairstyles, I loved the development of hers and Ray’s relationship; their admittance of “I love you” to one another was tear-jerkingly adorable. However, that was taken away from us when Shoshana made out with a doorman for essentially no reason. I understand people cheat, but this was just out of line and out of character for Shoshana. It’s like Lena Dunham knows that Shoshana is a fan favorite, so she has to go out of her way to make Shoshana dislikable, as she did with Hannah. It’s just extremely frustrating to watch.

No.

No.

Stop.

Stop.

Why?

Why?

I don’t even want to get started on Marnie because I think she is legitimately insane. Also, she had some funky hair this season that I wasn’t too keen of and Allison Williams’ acting abilities are questionable. I don’t even understand if Marnie and Hannah know each other anymore, they don’t even interact. That bothers me, I want to watch the show to see the interactions between the four girls, and this season just didn’t allow that. Luckily, I gained a new appreciation for the men on the show, so that’s at least one positive. But mostly, the second season of “Girls” was, for me, underwhelming and left a lot to be desired.

But I will say that Hannah’s bangs in the last episode were ridiculous, so at least we got to witness that.

Bangs.

Vindication.

just some thoughts on improving the world

8 Feb

So, I just read on my favorite love/hate celebrity blog perezhilton.com* that Christina Applegate is leaving the show “Up All Night”. Now, I don’t know much about the show at this present time since I’ve only watched about four episodes in total and they were all from the first season, but I’m wondering what is going to happen with the show since Christina Applegate is one of the three leads and the show is about her and Will Arnett raising a baby. I think why I was never really too drawn to the show has to do with what my friend, Lauren, noticed. She pointed out that Will Arnett is not as appealing when he is playing the straight man. At this point, we are so used to him just playing extreme, ridiculous characters, and playing them to a T that seeing him play the straight man, a guy just trying to raise his baby, who yes, has some funny lines, but isn’t nearly as outrageous as the former character he’s played, does not give us the same feeling of needing to see more.

This post doesn't require images, but here's a picture of Will Arnett I like.

This post doesn’t require images, but here’s a picture of Will Arnett I like.

I was just discussing the news about the show with my brother, Brian, since one of our favorite topics to discuss is the Thursday night comedy lineup on NBC. We were thinking of ways that the show could deal with Christina Applegate’s departure, aside from the obvious idea of canceling the show. Brian suggested that they recast her, because that’s always funny and makes sense. Clearly, they won’t do that, but it could make for some real kooky times to see them try. But then, Brian said that maybe they could kill her character off. This way, Will Arnett’s character would be left to raise the baby alone. I pointed out to him, however, that Will Arnett’s character is not interesting because he isn’t a real character, he’s the straight man. We thought it would be better if it was Gob Bluth from “Arrested Development” instead raising a baby. This got us brainstorming and we came upon the best solution for what the show could do:

“Up All Night” becomes focused on Will Arnett’s character on the show having to deal with the death of his wife, Christina Applegate. In doing so, he slowly turns into Gob, since he doesn’t know how to handle sadness and loss. We learn more about his backstory (I have no idea if the show delves into his backstory, but it doesn’t matter, this is our show now) and we discover that he has two brothers and a sister, who are going to come help him now raise his child. Or, just Buster. Because we’re okay with that. And his mother Lucille can drop in from time to time, just for extra comedic relief. So now, the show DOES turn into Gob Bluth raising a baby on his own, and that just sounds far more exciting and interesting than anything “Up All Night” has ever offered us as an audience. From there, we have to deal with the fact that on “Arrested Development”, it is revealed that Gob does in fact have a child, his estranged son, Steve Holt. On “Up All Night”, his child is female. SO to deal with this, we can say that Gob has such a hard time raising his child that he has to abandon her, and she was left dealing with an identity crisis and transitioned into becoming male. That’s kind of a stretch and also seems pretty politically incorrect, so instead, to appease our new wave fans, we could instead say that Regan (Christina Applegate’s and Will Arnett’s fictional daughter. Didn’t even have to look up her name, I already knew she was named that the whole time) was never biologically a female anyway. They let Regan raise herself as whichever gender she chose, and that way, she could be free to be either more masculine or feminine. Her true sex is never revealed, and while she spent her childhood identifying as more feminine, she ends up embracing her masculine side in her teens. Regan could be considered a pretty gender-neutral name, anway. I know, it’s pretty far-fetched, but we kind of don’t give a shit. Brian didn’t even really come up with this part, this half-brained logic is all mine. I’m so proud of myself. My college education is really going far.

Imagine this guy helping you raise your child. Hilarity ensues!

Imagine this guy helping you raise your child. Hilarity ensues!

So, there it is. That’s how we’re going to save “Up All Night”. I think it’s pretty solid and everyone’s going to take this extremely seriously. I’ll probably be getting phone calls from the executives at NBC any day now asking for me to come write for the show and create new shows along the way that require this much brain power. I’m just so talented. HiT mE uP nBc!!!~*~*~*

I just really miss "Arrested Development". Plus, this picture happened.

I just really miss “Arrested Development”. Plus, this picture happened.

*I called perezhilton.com “my favorite love/hate celebrity gossip blog”, and I feel I need to clarify. I fucking hate Perez Hilton the person and the way everything on that website is reported, but the headlines and general information appeal to me. Trust me, there will be a post one day about my hatred for that website, but today is not the day to post it. Not today, pig. Not today. Patience, Iago.

why did i go to college? pt 2: i’m thinking about asking umass amherst for a refund because they didn’t teach me any of this shit

23 Jan

Pre-cursor: The first paragraph of this post isn’t going to make a lot of sense because Brian’s website had a completely different set-up. My main page had an info box that I said I went to UMass in, and my twitter feed was posted below it. So, that should really get you all caught up on everything that is happening in the first few sentences of this post. Peace.

So as I’ve previously stated, I recently graduated from college. By “previously stated”, I mean that I wrote it in that little info box on the side of the screen, above my awesome twitter feed (@alainpennylaine. follow me, I’m hilarious). After watching so many “very special” clips, I question my entire education. All of the money and time I spent at school drinking and ignoring my work could have been so much better spent watching 80’s and 90’s television. That’s essentially what I’ve learned from this experience. I would be so much more street-wise and worldly had I just watched continuous television, specifically that focusing on intense 80’s era issues.

Now, I will conclude my two-part investigation into the television world of years past; the lessons taught, the lessons learned, the lessons coming out all confusing and leaving the audience with no idea of how they are supposed to take in what they just watched. I personally like the fact that I have no frame of reference for half of the clips I watched. I think that a true test of how effective a “very special episode” is depends all on knowing nothing about context and then trying to decipher the message for myself. So, here I go again, down that road of “very special” clips.

Side note, as I said in the last post, since a lot of these clips overlap with ones from the last documentation I presented, I’m just going to comment on those that I did not talk about before. Unless a previous one really confuses me still or confuses me more. Then I really can’t not comment on it. I can’t not state my confusion. Being confused about life and what is in front of me is one of the three states of being I can accurately project, along with being bitter and being angry. I’m also really good at being judgmental and condescending. I’m a fun person to hang out with in your spare time.

– Saved By The Bell “Peer Pressure”: So, this is the episode that the Public Service Announcement from the last clip compilation came from. Kelly’s lucky that she was already totally popular, so not smoking a doobie with a pop star didn’t ruin her reputation. Why these “Saved By the Bell” kids were so popular is really beyond me. I was always taught to give into peer pressure and drink and smoke at all times to be cool. At least she wasn’t taking caffeine pills. The only way anyone on that show could be more embarrassing is if they took caffeine pills. Way to go, Jessie Spano. Except Lisa Turtle is cool. Girl only cared about shopping and openly hated Screech. We would have been really good friends.

– Major Dad “Child Abuse”: I have absolutely no idea what the hell “Major Dad” is about, but I can assure that I am in no way interested in finding out. Next.

– Small Wonder “Cigarettes”: Okay, for a show that was about a cyborg girl or something, that clip should have been a LOT cooler. First of all, the girl wasn’t even in the clip. She’s the only reason I’d watch that show and she wasn’t even present for the clip. Second of all, who are these children and where is the cyborg? Oh, I’m sorry, did I just present the same point twice? I don’t care, the show has a robot on it and for some reason they weren’t chronicling every single moment of the robot’s life. They should have had a scene of her smoking cigarettes. That would have been something else.

– Valerie’s Family “Virginity”: Damn, look at young Jason Bateman there. So much hair. What a little cutie. He’s trying to tell me he’s a virgin in this scene? I doubt that. The kid was on “Silver Spoons”. Him and Ricky Schroeder must have been surrounded by eligible bachelorettes when they were like ten. Maybe it’s because he’s wearing that white turtleneck in this clip. That’s never a good choice, Jason. That alone screams “virgin”. Again, I have a problem of separating characters from their actors. And I don’t care.

– Charles in Charge “Fugitives”: I really have no idea what’s happening here. Talk about no frame of reference, huh? Can you let me know what the consequences are? Or why there are consequences? Or why Scott Baio recently had a television show? All valid questions. If he’s not Chachi, I simply don’t care what he’s doing.

– That’s So Raven “Shoplifting”: There is literally nothing in this scene to analyze. It’s just a boy very visibly putting something into his pants. How he didn’t get caught is beyond me, that kid sucks at stealing. Absolutely no form.

– Punky Brewster “Cocaine”: What the fuck? Seriously? How old are these girls? Where did they get any of these drugs let alone all of them? They seriously look twelve or younger. Maybe I was just raised in an extremely sheltered environment or maybe I was just missing out because I didn’t chill in an extremely sweet treehouse like these chicks, but there’s something incredibly off about this scene that I absolutely cannot relate to. Or perhaps I relate to it too well and that’s why I’m trying to play it off as being too unrealistic. You be the judge. (Answer: it really in no way relates to my life. I’m just jealous because I want that treehouse). Also, thanks for saying all the street terms for the drugs, blonde girl.  Also, thanks for having braces and doing coke. You’re really a role model.

– Saved By the Bell “Homelessness”: Okay, this is seriously one of my favorite episodes of “Saved by the Bell” ever. It’s up there with the caffeine pills. The best part about this homelessness storyline is that Zack’s family takes in that homeless girl and her dad who shaves in the bathroom at the mall, and they’re told that they can stay as long as they need to, until the father who shaves in the bathroom at the mall can get a job. Then they’re never seen again. Never seen again, never heard from again, never spoken of again. That’s a tad concerning. I guess Zack’s Aryan family couldn’t handle it and had to kick them out. Also, I really think Zack and that blonde girl, Laura, boned on the reg. No way they couldn’t not have. They were living under the same roof and Zack is a stud. I’m not judging her for that. I think we’d all do the same.

– Mr. Belvedere “Predators”: If I had to choose any episode of “Mr. Belvedere” to watch after the one about Danny having AIDS, it would probably be this one. No one seems nearly concerned enough that this kid was pretty much molested. And that doesn’t sit well with me. Where’s Danny when you need him?

– The Facts of Life “Cerebral Palsy”: Yeah, I’m not going to comment on this one. That’s a little much.

– The Partridge Family “Runaways”: Uh, okay. Should I care about this clip? Who’s this girl? I assume a runaway, but like, who cares? She’s not one of the Partridges and I assume she’ll be gone after this episode, so I am going to invest no time or energy on her. Where’s Danny Bonaduce? That’s really my main concern. I’m afraid he’s off punching transvestite prostitutes again.

– What’s Happening!! “Bootlegging”: God DAMN Rerun!!! You can’t tape record a concert, ESPECIALLY not a Doobie Brother’s concert!! If Rerun wasn’t such a sick dresser, I’d be angrier with him. But you can’t stay mad at that red beret for too long. Especially if he starts dancing. They really should have just put in a clip of him dancing. That’s where the magic is. Look it up. I not only suggest, I insist. Also, I feel like the Doobie Brothers wouldn’t give too much of a shit about having their show tape-recorded. As long as they had their doobies waiting for them, I think they’re all set 😉 😉 😉 :p Get it? Doobies.

– Moesha “Birth Control”: Uh, no girl with that haircut, the pill and the condom will not make you overdose, take a health class. Thanks.

– The Golden Girls “Gambling”: Gambling may be one of the worst subjects for a “very special episode” out there. It’s seriously such a cop out and I am just so not interested in it. I don’t even care to comment further because it’s such a stupid storyline to me. Maybe throw some gambling in between a story about an unwed teenage mother with a learning disorder and an interracial couple who just started doing crystal meth in a small town, and then I’d sing a different tune.

– Step By Step “Dyslexia”: I guess I’m glad to see that the family on “Step By Step” handles the subject of dyslexia a little bit differently than the Huxtables. Don’t get me wrong, jumping up and cheering seems like a completely normal response, but I think people would expect to hear the special soft music come on when sharing information like that. Also, who exactly has dyslexia? I used to watch “Step By Step” and I’m pretty sure it’s not that little glasses kid. Too bad the clip cut off, huh?

– Good Times “VD”: I hate Jay Leno. Thinking about him having any sort of sexually transmitted disease makes me want to cry. In fact, thinking about him having sex in order to get the disease makes me even more upset and disgusted. I don’t know if I can carry on now with those mental images in my mind. At least JJ has that sweet bucket hat on. Funny story, Brian and I have a cousin who calls herself JJ and used to wear bucket hats. My point is that I’m trying to get the image of Jay Leno having sex out of my head and it’s not working. I think I need to try to move on.

– Family Ties “Pills”: I wasn’t aware that people just always referred to pills as “amphetamines”, but okay, dad from “Family Ties”.

– Welcome Back, Kotter “Pills!”: Right, more pills. Clearly an epidemic. Or clearly the most vague category to create a “very special episode” about. Smooth move, television.

– Mr. Belvedere “Pills!!”: I know I talked about this episode in the last post, but really? Pills again? All right, that’s enough.

– Diff’rent Strokes “Kidnapping”: I’ve seen other clips of this episode. This is from that time on “Diff’rent Strokes” when they got rid of some characters and it was really apparent to the audience that there was something seriously wrong with Gary Coleman and he was not in fact “adorable” as time went on, so they threw on some ugly ginger kid and decided to get him kidnapped. No big loss to me, Mr. Drummond. I would have just let the kid figure it out. That’s just my opinion. Also, how unrealistic is this? A ginger kid getting kidnapped? Aren’t people trying to get rid of gingers, not take them in? (I joke, I have nothing against gingers, I just couldn’t not make a ginger joke. That kid, Sam, sucked).

– iCarly “Honoring Military Families”: Boring, this is from like last year, that’s not of interest to me, bring me back clips from the 80’s and 90’s.

– Webster “Fire Safety”: How old do we all think Emmanuel Lewis is here? He has the same thing as Gary Coleman, in that he looked like a child far beyond the age that he actually was a child. At least he was actually cute. And Webster is such an adorable name. Poor little guy, getting caught in a fire. That sentence might seem creepy if he was in his 40’s when this episode was shot.

– A Different World “Adoption”: The episode of “Boy Meets World” when Eric contemplates adopting a kid for some reason unknown to me and everyone else is way better. Try harder next time, “A Different World”.

– Smart Guy “Online Predators”: I was hoping this clip would make the list. “Smart Guy” is such a good show. And this episode was really confusing. I saw this when I was younger and since “Smart Guy” was on the Disney channel and I was a naïve young girl, I had no idea what was happening or why. I just wanted to watch TJ Henderson make fun of people because he was infinitely smarter than them and only like ten or some shit. I didn’t want to see some guy try to take pictures of him in his basement.

– Hannah Montana “Diabetes”: This is really fucking stupid. Recent “very special episodes” of TV shows suck. Stop trying.

– Maude “Abortion”: You go “Maude”! You deal with abortion and show no shame. My only confusion about this scenario is that Maude seems like she’d be well into menopause, so I don’t think it was physically possible for her to get pregnant. But whatever, what do I know? I’m not a doctor.

– Punky Brewster “Illiteracy”: Shit, the kids on “Punky Brewster” have it rough. I’m pretty sure Punky and all of her friends are orphans. That blonde chick was pushing drugs on everyone. That girl was sleeping or dead in the fridge in that clip from the last post. I still have no idea what the answer to that is. No one in that town can catch a break.

– The Fresh Prince “Guns”: It’s no Carlton on speed, but Carlton with a gun is pretty good, too. But I’m a little concerned that he was carrying that into a hospital room. I’ve never seen this episode, so I can only assume he went in to shoot Will because he’d never have his sense of fashion. And that’s really not the way to go, Carlton.

– Silver Spoons “Bullies”: AWWW poor baby Ricky Schroeder with a black eye. Why do bullies always want milk money? Why do kids always seem to have milk money on television shows? I’m pretty sure not everyone buys milk at school. Sucks for the kid who didn’t bring his milk money that day, I guess. I doubt Ricky didn’t bring any though because I’m pretty sure the entire premise of the show is that Ricky is rich or some shit like that. I think his dad was a toy maker. There’s no way in hell Ricky wouldn’t have his milk money. Unless he came to school with a golden goblet encrusted with jewels and filled with milk. In that case, bad day to bring your goblet, huh Ricky?

– Too Close for Comfort “Rape”: Uh, okay, I saw some clips from this episode of this show on a Cracked.com list about fucked up storylines and it was disturbing. This like, slightly mentally handicapped guy is raped by these heavyset women and everyone makes jokes about it. At one point, I’m pretty sure the guy talking in this clip says he’d let it happen again. So that’s just utterly disheartening and I really don’t like the fact this “Too Close for Comfort” show ever existed. I’m uncomfortable now.

– Growing Pains “Drunk Driving”: Nice, a drunk driving storyline. I’d expect to run across more of these through this extensive research, but I guess everyone in the 80’s was too busy on amphetamines to consider drinking. Also, watching this clip just makes me question where Boner, the loveable neighbor, was during all this poor decision making happened. You know a guy named Boner would never let this fly.

– Full House “Eating Disorders”: Another amazing episode. The best part is when DJ says she’ll eat her sandwich but then gives the sandwich to the dog and says she’s fat or something. And then she goes to the gym and passes out. It’s classic sitcom scenario. According to TV, people get eating disorders that involve immediate crash diets that consist of absolutely no eating and incorporating physical activity, and then fainting. Then suddenly, the disorder is gone. Just like real life, huh guys? Television. Always teaching life’s lessons properly.

– Blossom “Interracial Couples”: I just like the roughly four audience members who laughed. I don’t know if they were supposed to or not. And I feel like they didn’t know, either.

– George Lopez Show “School Violence”: I refuse to comment on anything George Lopez is involved with. Not worth my time.

– That’s So Raven “Discrimination”: God, don’t you love it how straightforward people are with their intolerance and racism? Happens on a daily basis, especially in department stores. Good work, “Raven”.

– Mr. Belvedere “AIDS”: DAANNNYYYY!!!!!! My precious angel has returned to my life, warming up my heart and bringing tears to my eyes. I kinda hate that this is the only clip available of the episode, though. I want more Danny, and I want it NOW.

– Sesame Street “Death”: Okay, so this episode was created because Mr. Hooper died in real life and “Sesame Street” saw it as a great opportunity to teach the audience about death. They were right and it is insanely depressing because Big Bird can’t grasp the concept. I don’t feel like insulting this clip, so instead I’ll point out that I just started typing “Big Beard” instead of “Big Bird”. Oh, Alaina. You’re losing it, girl.

– Happy Days “Racism”: Oh ho ho, another scene of the audience laughing at racism. They just can’t get enough of those fiery old racist ladies. So cute and endearing. What a sweetheart.

– Punky Brewster “Refrigerator Safety”: SERIOUSLY this clip. What is this? It still hasn’t been explained. Also, I need to point out that the caption for this is “refrigerator safety”. So I’m going to assume from the caption that this girl didn’t understand that fridges are for food and not for sleeping, and she has to face the consequences for her bad behavior. I really can take nothing else out of what the fuck has been placed in front of me.

– Boy Meets World “Cults”: RIP Mr. Turner (??????????)

– The Facts of Life “The KKK”: Right, so, I’m not given much to go off of here. That’s an extremely loaded clip because of what it means, but also, where do they go from there? What’s the point of saying that? Is it because Blair is friends with Tootie? I actually have no idea who the person she even mentioned is; I assume it’s a family member because Blair is kind of an asshole from the south. I mean, I guess I need to assume it’s a family member. I’m just lost. I don’t understand why that information was shared and I want someone to explain it.

– The Fresh Prince “Dead Beat Dads”: This clip makes me feel awkward. I really dislike when the show’s comic relief is given serious storylines and have to actually act. It bothers me. I feel like I’m supposed to laugh at them because that’s the point of the character, but what they’re saying is in no way funny. Also, I feel like the audience should have cheered Will after that speech, but instead there was just complete silence. That is really unsettling to me. Can we also notice how AGAIN the final clip in one of these compilations of “very special moments” is of “Fresh Prince”? They don’t do intense often, but when they do, DAMN do they hit hard. That Banks family, they just bring the drama. But seriously, I feel like this show usually gets laughs every ten to twenty seconds, so going this long without any sound other than Will screaming chills me and I’d rather it never occur.

All right. So that was that. My extremely in-depth exploratory surgery into the realm of the sitcoms of yesteryear is complete. What have we learned from all of this? The answer is everything. We’ve learned every single thing in the world that there is to learn, because television is a better teacher than I’d ever be, and better than I’ve ever had.

Now I have to spend all week thinking about something different to write for next week since I clearly killed these “very special episodes” analyses. I beat them to death. There’s no need to ever touch upon them ever again. Unless we’re talking about Danny, of course. He’s our nation’s hero. But, yeah. So that’s that. Falcon out.

why did i go to college? pt 1: everything i needed to know i learned from sitcoms

23 Jan

So, as I clearly mentioned in my last post, “very special episodes” are amazing. They were huge in the 80’s, but after some extensive YouTube research, apparently they’ve been used more recently as well (mostly by the Disney Channel), but on shows that were directed at me when I was twelve. I watched those shows when I was twelve, and I took nothing out of them. That shows you how affective the Disney Channel is at teaching me about the tough times in life.

For this post, I decided to delve further into the “very special episodes” of our television past. But, it was too hard for me to just choose one episode to focus on. Instead, I found two awesome compilations of very special episodes, each of which I will go through clip-by-clip and make fun of. Some of the clips overlap, so that makes life easier for me. Now, watch this video so you can understand what I’m talking about. This post is useless for you if you don’t watch these amazing, breath-taking clips.

Saved By the Bell “Drug PSA”: Okay, yeah, I want to point out that this was a public service announcement that they characters made at the end of the episode. For some reason unknown to me, only these six students were chosen to make special appearances in the video. I’ll never understand why these six have so much power at their school. Especially Screech. I don’t think that there has ever been a worse TV character than Screech. He’s literally the worst. And what makes me hate him more is that the audience actually laughed after he did his bit. Like, no thanks. I’d rather we ignore his existence.

Family Matters “Steve Gets Drunk”: Urkel shouldn’t have been allowed to leave the house, let alone be under the influence of anything. Also, I know I’ve seen this episode, but I don’t remember it. Was Urkel invited to this party? Did he just show and drink too much in order to try to fit in? Either way, any party that Urkel shows up to should be canceled on the spot. How does he catch onto the building? That just seems so unrealistic. As someone who is constantly drunk, I know that there is no way anyone could have this dexterity. Especially Urkel, who is a known idiot. Also, I feel like they could have used a better character to talk about binge drinking with. Like, choose literally any of the other characters and they would be more realistic and relatable. Urkel is a joke. The audience actually laughs when he says, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”. That’s terrible. HE’S ABOUT TO FALL AND DIE. Not a time to be laughing at his dated joke, studio audience.

Full House “Stephanie and Cigarettes”: I love “Full House”. It’s pretty embarrassing. This is a pretty great episode, but only because Stephanie embarrasses the shit out of herself. She literally can’t do anything right with the popular girls. Including looking cool by even pretending to smoke. Stephanie sucks. The people who made this YouTube video should have chosen the clip where the kid in Stephanie’s class is getting abused by his father. At least Stephanie doesn’t look like an idiot in that one.

Fresh Prince “Carlton on Speed”: Damn, Carlton on speed is hysterical. The idea that students just carry speed around with them is so great. It’s such a common thing in the television universe. As much as I love to watch Carlton dancing while on speed, the person who made this should have showed the clip where he’s in the hospital and discovers that he took speed. That part is amazing because Carlton thinks he’s a drug addict based off of the one time he accidentally took speed. Accidentally. “Fresh Prince” made a “very special episode” based off of the idea that someone accidentally took a drug. We’ll move on.

Home Improvement “Brad Smokes Pot”: I can’t take this clip too seriously, or even the concept of it, because I know that Tim Allen used to be a coke dealer. Everything he does is discredited from then on. You go on and smoke weed, Brad. Go on with your bad self. What’s your dad gonna do? Sell you coke? Maybe. He’s better at that than fixing shit, that’s for damn sure (side note: I’ve chosen here to not separate Tim Allen the man and “Tim Taylor” the character. They’re essentially one in the same).

Family Ties “Uncle Ned’s An Alcoholic”: Hey, look, it’s Tom Hanks. This clip gets a pass, Tom Hanks can do nothing wrong in my book. Next.

Degrassi “Liberty’s Pregnant”: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha the idea that someone would have sex with Liberty disturbs me to this day. I could never take this clip seriously due to how unrealistic it is based on that one fact alone. Also, spoiler alert, JT dies the next season. Way to ruin everything, Liberty.

Diff’rent Strokes “The Pedophile”: Okay, I’ve actually seen this episode in full. I’m really upset with how little they show of it in this video. It is honestly really disturbing. It’s one of those episodes where things just get worse and worse for literally every single person on the show. Like, nothing good happens. And the audience has absolutely no idea how to handle what they are seeing. Essentially, it is the quintessential “very special episode”. That’s just my opinion. And my opinion is all that matters. I suggest everyone watch the full episode. Now. At this moment.

The Cosby Show “Theo’s Dyslexic”: Uuuhhh…right, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this episode of “The Cosby Show”, but from the looks of it, I guess the Huxtables are pretty into learning disorders. So that’s kinda weird.

Punky Brewster “The Refrigerator”: What the fuck? Is that girl dead? “Punky Brewster” really did an amazing job at singlehandedly portraying the homelessness epidemic in our country. Unless that girl is dead. Then I’m just deeply disturbed. Why is she there?

Captain Planet “High on Bliss”: Yeah, not 100% sure what “bliss” is, but this kid seems to be pretty into it. And who are we to tell him to not do what makes him happy?

Boy Meets World “Shawn Joins a Cult”: What a weird concept to do an episode on. Like, was joining a cult so prevalent in the 90’s that we had to have a full episode addressing it? I’m pretty sure Jonestown was in the 70’s, so I’m at a loss (I just googled it and I was right, Jonestown was in the 70’s). Also, this episode marked the last appearance of Mr. Turner, the third most beloved teacher at John Adams High (I count Eli as the second most beloved. He was just so cool). Show some respect to the apparent death of Mr. Turner.

Dinosaurs “Robbie Does Steroids”: All right, I don’t understand what Disney was trying to do. You can’t use a show that is centered on the idea that a family of dinosaurs walks and talks like humans and live in a developed society to push ANY political or moral matters. What were you thinking Disney? Robbie can do as many steroids as he wants; he’s a fucking dinosaur.

Mr. Belvedere “Amphetamines”: Unless Danny is on the TV talking about having AIDS but other than that being pretty good, I don’t care about “Mr. Belvedere”.

Home Improvement “Randy Might Have Cancer”: When the fuck was there an episode where Randy might have cancer? How did I miss that? This show chooses really weird topics to bum everyone out with. Also, Jonathan Taylor Thomas: still a fox.

Lizzie McGuire “Miranda’s Eating Disorder”: I remember watching this episode when it first aired (when I was 12) and being confused as to why Miranda had an eating disorder for legit one day and then passed out immediately. I’ve gone like twenty-four hours without eating before and I didn’t pass out. This is just another example of how Miranda sucks and deserved to be phased out by the end of the show. Also, “I’m outie”. She really was.

Beverly Hills, 90210 “Donna’s Abusive Boyfriend”: Yeah, so the acting in this is horrible. That’s what stands out to me the most to me. It’s really the worst when a show is trying to educate on an important issue and then the acting is painful so you ignore everything else happening.

Saved By the Bell “Hooked on Caffeine Pills”: Hands down the best episode of “Saved By the Bell” EVER. It is the most ludicrous concept ever to be shown on any television program. Jessie becomes addicted to caffeine pills. Who the fuck takes caffeine pills? Jessie, you’re such a nerd that you can’t even take real drugs? That’s just embarrassing. Also, you’re stressing out about a terrible music video that you’re making for fun with your friends. You really need to get your priorities in line. At least Screech is noticeably absent from this clip.

Fresh Prince “Racial Profiling”: Okay, so I get that this clip is discussing racial profiling. I completely get that. But what is this dialogue? I’m so confused as to what the situation that occurred earlier in the episode was that this conversation needed to happen. I agree with Carlton, a car driving at 2mph would be pretty suspicious and understandably pulled over. But, I feel like I shouldn’t be agreeing with Carlton because apparently it must have been about race? I’m just so confused. Uncle Phil’s pretty pissed off, that’s all I have to say. He’s probably more pissed off about the fact that Carlton agreed with the cops, therefore proving that something went wrong with Carlton’s DNA and he actually IS the whitest man alive. Also, what is the ending of that? Why did Carlton keep speaking after Uncle Phil left the room? Why was he sitting there still? Is that how they ended the episode? Is no one going to explain this to me? Why did whoever made this compilation of clips end the video this way? I just do not understand anything anymore.

All right, so I was going to describe another long-ass set of clips (sorry for saying “long-ass”, that was embarrassing), but this post is really long, so I’ll discuss the other compilation in the next post. There’s even more 80’s goodness, and even more confusing situations occurring that I can’t comprehend since I’m watching ten second clips. This is the good life.

meet danny: america’s love child

23 Jan

Side note before reading: I’ve decided not to edit the posts depending on if some of the information will seem irrelevant to this post. I just don’t have the energy, and we all have imaginations that we can use to fill in the blanks.

Television in the 1980’s was all about the “very special episode”. For example, Gary Coleman’s young friend gets given alcohol and molested on “Diff’rent Strokes”, “Saved By The Bell” introduced us to that homeless chick and her dad that shaved in the bathroom at the mall to explain to viewers that homelessness was alive and well, and there was that time on “Full House” when Michelle’s fish died and it was supposed to be a big deal for some reason. Wikipedia actually has an entire page to describe the “very special episode”. The 80’s were all about that shit.

Most people looking at this page are probably wondering who the handsome devil decorating the background is. That, my friends, is little Danny, a character used once on the hit show “Mr. Belvedere” back in, you guessed it, the glorious 1980’s, in order to create a VERY special episode. He was only on the show once, but damn, did he leave a lasting impression. Now, I’ve never actually watched an episode of “Mr. Belvedere”. The reason is mainly because this episode involving Danny is the only one I’ve ever cared to see and it is absolutely nowhere to be found online. I don’t get why, but it’s depressing, and you’ll understand why it upsets me so much in mere moments, once I explain what the hell this episode is about. Or you could just watch the clip and figure it out, whatever. Either one works.

But yeah, so I’ve never watched an episode of “Mr. Belvedere”, but what I have learned from watching various YouTube clips of it is that it is weird as fuck. Practically every clip I saw had some weird dialogue either having to do with pedophilia, molestation, or bondage. That’s pretty weird considering this is a family show. Apparently “Mr. Belvedere” was really trying to cover every single possible topic of a “very special episode”. I hope this show won some awards.

Specifically, I hope the episode this clip is from won some awards. More importantly, I hope this clip itself won awards. Several, actually. I hope it won every award it was nominated for. That’s how much I love this clip.


So, everyone, meet Danny. He’s just a little kid, going to visit his friend. He looks the way he does, speaks the way he does, and he’s got AIDS, but other than that he’s doing pretty good. Yes, that sentence was just written. And I didn’t write it as some cruel joke or offensive statement, I’m literally quoting the scene. That weird little kid actually just said “well, I got AIDS, but other than that I’m doing pretty good”. What the fuck is that? Seriously, what is that? Who wrote that dialogue? Why did they write it? Why did no one stop them? I feel like that sentence should never be spoken.

Now, if that statement alone wasn’t mind-boggling enough, there’s so much more going on in the scene to dissect. First of all, look at that kid. Just take a good look. His glasses take up half of his face. I understand that the 80’s were a weird time, but that poor kid doesn’t stand a chance. Secondly, the way he speaks makes me really sad. I believe that the family name on the show is “Owens”, but if you listen to little Danny speak, it sounds like he is saying “Owns”, as in “Hi Mr. Owns, Mrs. Owns”. If it wasn’t bad enough that kid has those glasses, he has to also not know how to speak. Then add AIDS to it and I just don’t even know what to make of what’s going on. While he’s saying the line, it is also apparent that Danny is in fact cross-eyed. This poor kid can in no way catch a break. I don’t know what the writers had against him, but he must have done something really wrong to them.

What makes this scene so awkward though is not Danny himself, but the reaction of the parents and the audience after Danny says he has AIDS (but other than that, he’s doing pretty good). Mrs. Owens looks pretty disturbed. She kind of looks like if you’re at a dinner party and someone asks how the meat is and she thinks it’s a little dry. She’s uncomfortable fully saying it, but you can tell she feels that way. Mr. Owens looks like he smelled something bad and he wants to ignore it immediately, or that he is severely disappointed in one of his children after learning they drank after the big dance (“Full House” did a great job with that storyline). I have no idea who that girl in the background is, but she isn’t helping out the situation. But then there’s the audience. You can tell the audience has no idea how to react. There’s some laughter, but mostly, even though I’m watching this scene probably 30 years later and on a laptop, you can tell that everyone in that studio audience is uncomfortable. This would have been an awesome time for the bigwigs at “Mr. Belvedere” to use a laugh track rather than a real audience, but I guess they were going for authenticity. They wanted to make everyone uncomfortable. That’s what the “very special episode” is all about.

So yeah, this clip exists. This actually happened on a television show. I won’t lie, I think this is my favorite clip to ever exist on YouTube. I wrote this entire post without watching the video once because it is forever burned into my memory. I could watch it over and over without stopping and still be amused. I just love little Danny that much.

Oh, and for anyone who was wondering, I know how Danny got AIDS. Trust me, I looked up the information on this episode in my failed attempt to watch the full thing. Apparently, Danny was playing Abraham Lincoln in the President’s Day play. Suddenly, Danny stopped coming to school and they needed someone else to play Abraham Lincoln. It is soon discovered that Danny became infected with AIDS through a blood transfusion. I realize that I wrote that whole synopsis out before actually explaining how Danny got AIDS, and I’m glad I did. For some reason, I really love the idea that the episode revolved around the President’s Day play, and that Danny had a lead role. I think that makes his plight even more devastating.

Also, please note that I’m not trying to downplay AIDS. I’m just genuinely so confused by this clip and storyline that I endlessly need to discuss and share it with people. Everything about it baffles me, and I think that’s why I love it so much.

As an added bonus, here’s a preview from another “very special episode” of “Mr. Belvedere” followed by an extremely inappropriate ad for another t.v. show right after it. “Mr. Belvedere” and the 80’s really knew what they were doing in our society.