What if I’ve been entirely too cynical my entire life and I’m only just noticing now how detrimental that has been to me in my development as a person? I’ve always been cynical, for as long as I can remember. I not only acted cynical, but I believed in cynicism. I actively pursued being cynical. Life is easier when you’re cynical. You don’t feel like you look like as much as a fool in the long run when you’re cynical. But what if that’s been holding me back? That’s actually not even a question, I know it’s true. I hide behind sarcasm and cynicism and I don’t know how to break out of it.
I don’t know if you actually feel a change in yourself when you change ages, but turning 23 has made me think about a lot, and I don’t really understand why. Birthdays are birthdays. It must be the mix of turning one year closer to 25 (and from there, one year closer to 30) and moving to a new place where I’m beginning a new job in a new environment and I only know a few people. I actually love that, though. I love that I only know a handful of people. I’m so used to being places where I’m surrounded by tons of people I know personally at all times. I’ve known since before I moved that I needed to be in a new place where I had to meet new people and I couldn’t stick to the crutch of my normal routine. I needed to be somewhere I could meet people outside of my comfort zone. Moving has really been a positive experience for me.
Something’s always missing, though; I always feel that way. It’s depressing, but it hasn’t been hitting me as hard lately as it would when I was back in Massachusetts. I thank whoever out there for that, there’s no need going around feeling depressed and upset, especially when you’re somewhere unfamiliar. I’ve been really happy in New York, but I still feel like I’m looking for something else, and it’s not coming to me.
The lives of my friends are changing, too, and I have to think about my cynicism and general approach to life. Maybe I should have more faith in other people, maybe I should trust people have good intentions and not assume the worst from everyone. I’m so unwilling to believe anyone as being genuine, I always think they have ulterior motives. Now that I’m an old maid, I realize that’s no way to go through life. That worked when I was 22, but I’m an independent grown up now. I need to start acting like it. And thinking like it.
I wonder what life would be like through the eyes of an optimist. So many of my friends are optimists and I scoff at them because I don’t think they’re being realistic, but they’re probably a lot happier in the long run. I assume that they’re in for greater disappointment when the things they plan for and hope for ultimately crash and burn, but why do I have to assume that everything is going to go wrong? I don’t understand how brains are wired and programmed. I didn’t do as well in AP Psych as I would have liked.
Every once in a while I just need to have these kind of posts. I’m so much in my head all the time, it helps to get the words and thoughts out there. I sound like a psycho and it’s okay because I am a psycho. I was just saying that I wish I was Bjork because people would accept me being insane, but sadly I was not born inside of a swan and then wore her body as a dress once I outgrew her belly.
Let’s just keep truckin’, society.