flunkerton

So, as we’re all well aware, I was having slight mental problems earlier because I was too emotional about leaving my family in Maine. What I find interesting is that I thought it would take me a few days – one or two good days – back in the city before feeling back to myself and forgetting how upset I was coming back. However, the second I stepped off of the train and into Penn Station, I automatically felt back to myself and everything felt natural. Sure, I still wish I could have gotten the full week off (or at least one more day), but everything that was filling my mind earlier, all of the negativity and sadness, flew to the background and out of my head. I’m already back to normal, pretty much. I’m kind of overwhelmed by how quickly it happened, and I think I have to be grateful for that. Also, I see that as a good sign that New York is the right fit for me.

Funny how things happen, huh guyz?

thank goodness i bought welch’s fruit snacks before getting on the train

I’m really emotional right now, so forgive me for these posts. But there was a time during freshman year of college that I was miserable. First semester ended and I went home for Christmas and I had an amazing break. When I got back to school, I was tempted to transfer somewhere in Boston so I could be closer to my family again. I was looking into applications and asking for recommendations from old teachers; I was determined to transfer. I liked UMass Amherst a lot and really liked all of my new friends, but at that moment, nothing compared to what I left behind.

I spent the better part of a week searching for somewhere else to go to school. And then I had one really good weekend with all of the new people I’d met and they made me forget my sadness and how upset I was and determined to leave and go back to what I had before. After that, I never looked back and I could never be more grateful that I stayed at UMass.

That’s pretty much what’s happening to me right now. I’m not regretting my decision to move to New York, but I’m thinking about going to work tomorrow and seeing all of the new people I’ve met and doing the new work I’m assigned, and it’s not making me feel good. I keep comparing it to being with my family and the people who already know me so well. I’m not thinking about moving home, but I’m feeling a sense of anxiety.

But I have to remember that this will pass. It was my first time home since moving, it was an amazing trip, and it ended too soon. I need to remind myself that I was unhappy at home more often than not and that if I were to be there again, at least at this point in my life, I wouldn’t be happy. I just need a few days back in New York, seeing my friends, enjoying myself, to be okay again. This feeling will pass. And I have to remember that if I had left UMass, I would have never lived in London and met the people I met and had the incredible experiences I did. Because up until this moment, I’ve been nothing but happy in New York. And I know that I’ll be fine.

Sitting in silence really does terrible things to one’s mind. I still don’t have headphones and I decided to listen to my tv shows anyway, but iTunes only let’s you do that full screen. And I can’t be having “Friends” full screen right now.

i forgot headphones so i’m sitting in silence and it’s deafening

I’m on the Amtrak headed back to New York. I was just in Maine for the weekend, and I’m feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness having to leave York Beach so soon. I was only there from Saturday til this afternoon, and it wasn’t enough. It’s never really enough. I’m used to going for the entire week, spending all the time in the world with my family and then heading back to Massachusetts. But this time, I didn’t have that option. I don’t care about not heading back to Massachusetts (I actually had to do that because I took the Amtrak out of Boston), but I hate the fact that I couldn’t stay the entire week. In all honesty, I usually want to strangle at least a few of my family members by the end of our week-long vacation. I usually want to strangle them about two days in. But this trip was so different. I’m not surrounded by my family at all times anymore, so I had an extra sense of excitement about seeing them. I’ve really genuinely missed all of them and didn’t even realize it because I’m so distracted in New York. Thank God I’m distracted in New York, really. This is the first time I’ve felt homesickness since moving and it’s not even really for home, it’s for our little vacation getaway (I just lied, I feel London-sickness on a consistent basis and it’s mentally draining).

I genuinely enjoyed being with everyone and joking around, hearing them all talk. I miss that. I’m sad right now. I’m sitting on the train and I want to cry because I had to leave them. I’m never the one who has to leave them. I’ve been the one who’s wanted to leave them a little earlier, but never did. Trust me, I’ve rushed out of York before. But I really hate that I had to this year.

I didn’t think I’d cry when I was leaving. I was wondering if it would feel weird going home after moving, like the first time it did once I came back for a weekend freshman year of college. But really, driving through Watertown felt exactly the same as it always has, nothing felt different. I felt like I lived there again. Because despite not having a bed at my house anymore, I’m more than used to sleeping on the couch. Being there felt natural. But I’ve never gone to York for such a short time when everyone else got to stay and enjoy themselves and then have the sense that I was not going to see them again for a month. That’s what’s hitting me hardest. So I ended up crying when I was hugging my mother goodbye and almost crying again several times. I thought it would be easier for me now, but I guess I was wrong. I know it’ll get easier. But I thought I’d be used to it from college and studying abroad. But here I am, two hours away from New York, wishing I was back at the beach.

Growing up sucks balls.

i almost named this “where is my mind?” but i hate doing things that are too relevant to what i’m actually talking about. it makes me feel corny and like a phony, and i really don’t like holden caulfield

What if I’ve been entirely too cynical my entire life and I’m only just noticing now how detrimental that has been to me in my development as a person? I’ve always been cynical, for as long as I can remember. I not only acted cynical, but I believed in cynicism. I actively pursued being cynical. Life is easier when you’re cynical. You don’t feel like you look like as much as a fool in the long run when you’re cynical. But what if that’s been holding me back? That’s actually not even a question, I know it’s true. I hide behind sarcasm and cynicism and I don’t know how to break out of it.

I don’t know if you actually feel a change in yourself when you change ages, but turning 23 has made me think about a lot, and I don’t really understand why. Birthdays are birthdays. It must be the mix of turning one year closer to 25 (and from there, one year closer to 30) and moving to a new place where I’m beginning a new job in a new environment and I only know a few people. I actually love that, though. I love that I only know a handful of people. I’m so used to being places where I’m surrounded by tons of people I know personally at all times. I’ve known since before I moved that I needed to be in a new place where I had to meet new people and I couldn’t stick to the crutch of my normal routine. I needed to be somewhere I could meet people outside of my comfort zone. Moving has really been a positive experience for me.

Something’s always missing, though; I always feel that way. It’s depressing, but it hasn’t been hitting me as hard lately as it would when I was back in Massachusetts. I thank whoever out there for that, there’s no need going around feeling depressed and upset, especially when you’re somewhere unfamiliar. I’ve been really happy in New York, but I still feel like I’m looking for something else, and it’s not coming to me.

The lives of my friends are changing, too, and I have to think about my cynicism and general approach to life. Maybe I should have more faith in other people, maybe I should trust people have good intentions and not assume the worst from everyone. I’m so unwilling to believe anyone as being genuine, I always think they have ulterior motives. Now that I’m an old maid, I realize that’s no way to go through life. That worked when I was 22, but I’m an independent grown up now. I need to start acting like it. And thinking like it.

I wonder what life would be like through the eyes of an optimist. So many of my friends are optimists and I scoff at them because I don’t think they’re being realistic, but they’re probably a lot happier in the long run. I assume that they’re in for greater disappointment when the things they plan for and hope for ultimately crash and burn, but why do I have to assume that everything is going to go wrong? I don’t understand how brains are wired and programmed. I didn’t do as well in AP Psych as I would have liked.

Every once in a while I just need to have these kind of posts. I’m so much in my head all the time, it helps to get the words and thoughts out there. I sound like a psycho and it’s okay because I am a psycho. I was just saying that I wish I was Bjork because people would accept me being insane, but sadly I was not born inside of a swan and then wore her body as a dress once I outgrew her belly.

Let’s just keep truckin’, society.

it’s good to know the kardashians will always remain the same people, we need some consistency in this world

So I’ve been sucking major bawlz at updating this blog because I’ve been living my fabulous new life as a New Yorker. Jkz, it’s not fabulous. It’s just real and legit as shit. I’m a grown up now, guys. I make all my own decisions and my own lunches before bed to take to the work the next day. This will be short and sweet: We just got cable, so yeah, things are good.

I’m going on the annual York Beach vacation trip next weekend. I’ve always gone for the entire week, but I could only get one day off this year, so I’ll be going two and a half days. I’m actually extremely excited. 1) I won’t have to spend any money (thank CHRIST) and 2) I miss my family. I’m really looking forward to seeing them. The time away from them has really made me appreciate them more and I am entirely thankful for that. Next weekend means good food, alcohol on the beach, and tanning. That’s all life needs to be for me.

So yes, life is going well. I work my Monday to Friday job, slave away like the animal I am, and in return, I go to a lot of happy hours. It’s really all I could ask for, I’ve been pretty blessed. Not to be corny as fuq saying that, but I have been. Mostly good times since I’ve moved and I’ve met some good people. Couldn’t really ask for much more.

OH but I ate too much today/this entire past weekend/my entire life, so I could ask for an empty and flat stomach. I want someone to help me out with that. THANKS.

I miss writing. I need to try to do more of it so that the zero of you reading this stop crying yourself to sleep at night.

Just know that I am well and still existent. And sadly, this isn’t me because it’s 1000000 degrees in New York.

Oh, but how I wish it was me.