i forgot headphones so i’m sitting in silence and it’s deafening

29 Jul

I’m on the Amtrak headed back to New York. I was just in Maine for the weekend, and I’m feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness having to leave York Beach so soon. I was only there from Saturday til this afternoon, and it wasn’t enough. It’s never really enough. I’m used to going for the entire week, spending all the time in the world with my family and then heading back to Massachusetts. But this time, I didn’t have that option. I don’t care about not heading back to Massachusetts (I actually had to do that because I took the Amtrak out of Boston), but I hate the fact that I couldn’t stay the entire week. In all honesty, I usually want to strangle at least a few of my family members by the end of our week-long vacation. I usually want to strangle them about two days in. But this trip was so different. I’m not surrounded by my family at all times anymore, so I had an extra sense of excitement about seeing them. I’ve really genuinely missed all of them and didn’t even realize it because I’m so distracted in New York. Thank God I’m distracted in New York, really. This is the first time I’ve felt homesickness since moving and it’s not even really for home, it’s for our little vacation getaway (I just lied, I feel London-sickness on a consistent basis and it’s mentally draining).

I genuinely enjoyed being with everyone and joking around, hearing them all talk. I miss that. I’m sad right now. I’m sitting on the train and I want to cry because I had to leave them. I’m never the one who has to leave them. I’ve been the one who’s wanted to leave them a little earlier, but never did. Trust me, I’ve rushed out of York before. But I really hate that I had to this year.

I didn’t think I’d cry when I was leaving. I was wondering if it would feel weird going home after moving, like the first time it did once I came back for a weekend freshman year of college. But really, driving through Watertown felt exactly the same as it always has, nothing felt different. I felt like I lived there again. Because despite not having a bed at my house anymore, I’m more than used to sleeping on the couch. Being there felt natural. But I’ve never gone to York for such a short time when everyone else got to stay and enjoy themselves and then have the sense that I was not going to see them again for a month. That’s what’s hitting me hardest. So I ended up crying when I was hugging my mother goodbye and almost crying again several times. I thought it would be easier for me now, but I guess I was wrong. I know it’ll get easier. But I thought I’d be used to it from college and studying abroad. But here I am, two hours away from New York, wishing I was back at the beach.

Growing up sucks balls.

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