Tag Archives: pessimism

i almost named this “where is my mind?” but i hate doing things that are too relevant to what i’m actually talking about. it makes me feel corny and like a phony, and i really don’t like holden caulfield

22 Jul

What if I’ve been entirely too cynical my entire life and I’m only just noticing now how detrimental that has been to me in my development as a person? I’ve always been cynical, for as long as I can remember. I not only acted cynical, but I believed in cynicism. I actively pursued being cynical. Life is easier when you’re cynical. You don’t feel like you look like as much as a fool in the long run when you’re cynical. But what if that’s been holding me back? That’s actually not even a question, I know it’s true. I hide behind sarcasm and cynicism and I don’t know how to break out of it.

I don’t know if you actually feel a change in yourself when you change ages, but turning 23 has made me think about a lot, and I don’t really understand why. Birthdays are birthdays. It must be the mix of turning one year closer to 25 (and from there, one year closer to 30) and moving to a new place where I’m beginning a new job in a new environment and I only know a few people. I actually love that, though. I love that I only know a handful of people. I’m so used to being places where I’m surrounded by tons of people I know personally at all times. I’ve known since before I moved that I needed to be in a new place where I had to meet new people and I couldn’t stick to the crutch of my normal routine. I needed to be somewhere I could meet people outside of my comfort zone. Moving has really been a positive experience for me.

Something’s always missing, though; I always feel that way. It’s depressing, but it hasn’t been hitting me as hard lately as it would when I was back in Massachusetts. I thank whoever out there for that, there’s no need going around feeling depressed and upset, especially when you’re somewhere unfamiliar. I’ve been really happy in New York, but I still feel like I’m looking for something else, and it’s not coming to me.

The lives of my friends are changing, too, and I have to think about my cynicism and general approach to life. Maybe I should have more faith in other people, maybe I should trust people have good intentions and not assume the worst from everyone. I’m so unwilling to believe anyone as being genuine, I always think they have ulterior motives. Now that I’m an old maid, I realize that’s no way to go through life. That worked when I was 22, but I’m an independent grown up now. I need to start acting like it. And thinking like it.

I wonder what life would be like through the eyes of an optimist. So many of my friends are optimists and I scoff at them because I don’t think they’re being realistic, but they’re probably a lot happier in the long run. I assume that they’re in for greater disappointment when the things they plan for and hope for ultimately crash and burn, but why do I have to assume that everything is going to go wrong? I don’t understand how brains are wired and programmed. I didn’t do as well in AP Psych as I would have liked.

Every once in a while I just need to have these kind of posts. I’m so much in my head all the time, it helps to get the words and thoughts out there. I sound like a psycho and it’s okay because I am a psycho. I was just saying that I wish I was Bjork because people would accept me being insane, but sadly I was not born inside of a swan and then wore her body as a dress once I outgrew her belly.

Let’s just keep truckin’, society.

i need to get my frank sinatra playlist in order

15 Apr

As much as I like to think of myself as a realist, I think I have to accept that my thoughts lean toward those of a pessimist point of view. The proverbial cup tends to be neither half full nor half empty, but instead, almost entirely empty. I like to pretend that I think this way because it’s the most realistic approach, but really, I think I’m trying to fool myself into thinking I’m less a miserable human being than I really am.

But despite my affinity for thinking the worst, I have some impending new life changes on the horizon that I am actually actively making myself think positively about, lest I have a panic attack every twenty minutes every single day. I am planning to move in June to New York with my good friend Lauren (check out her blog, suckers. She’s on this site, too. There’s a chance she’s the only person reading this entry. There’s also a chance she’s not reading it at all. Let’s hope for the best) to get the hell out of Massachusetts and try something new to further our lives. They’re pretty bleak in Watertown. If I stay here too much longer I might explode. I actually assume my body is going to explode at some point, but it would be so much more eventful if it happened in the big city (da big apple lolzzzz).

I want to take this time to make a special shout out to my palz Steph and Liz; Steph who was my roommate soulmate when we were paired together in London and Lauren and I will also be living with once we move, and Liz, who was one of my roommates in Amherst last year but is now in New York, and I cannot wait to live in the same vicinity as again. Both of them make the thought of the move even more exciting. Moving with Lauren does, too, I guess. Lololololzzzzz #BadassBitch #LuvMyGrlz

Now to be serious and genuine on this blog for once in my life. I’m looking to get into television production. Ideally at some point I would love to write for television, but for the time being, I’d be more than happy working my way through the business and would be ecstatic just to be a part of it. My biggest passion is probably television and I don’t care how sad that makes me sound, it’s what field I want to be involved in because I feel like it’s what I am destined to be a part of eventually. I’m twenty-two, this is the best time for me to go. I’m young enough where even if I totally fuck up, I have time to figure my life out. I like having that option. It’s scary, but also amazing.

I am also at the point in my life where I need a change of environment. Living at home is not a problem because my parents are overbearing or anything, I really get a lot of freedom here. It’s the fact that I’m twenty-two and I lived away for four years and am not used to being here anymore. I shouldn’t be in Watertown. Aside from family and (roughly four) friends, there is nothing here for me. It’s time for me to leave the Boston area and go somewhere new that has more opportunity for me. I’m really looking forward to the change and I really think I need it for my mental stability and wellbeing. I don’t know if you all (all zero of you) have sensed it, but I’m more on the crazy side than the sane side, and I’m hoping to maybe even that out a bit more if I’m somewhere else.

Also, my favorite place that I have ever lived is London. I never thought I would see myself as someone who would love to live in a city, but ever since I came back from there, I’ve missed being in a big city so much. Sure, Boston is a city, but it’s too small for me. I need somewhere bigger, with tons of boroughs to explore. I don’t need a square I can walk from destination to destination in. The second I got to Piccadilly Square in London, I immediately thought of Times Square. The more I went around London and then later went around New York, the two reminded me of one another. I think that New York will be a great London substitute since I can’t make my way back there (as of now, it would be amazing if I could eventually live there again, but who knows what’s gonna happen in life? I ain’t a psychic or nothin’), I might as well be as close as I can be here in the states. I think that’s something I need.

So, because of my excitement over the idea of being somewhere new, I need to keep my thoughts positive. I know how difficult it can be to survive in the city. But, I can’t focus on that. Sometimes, when I’m trying to fall asleep at night, I can’t stop thinking about money and moving and costs and jobs and everything that a person is supposed to worry about when going through a transition like this. And whenever I do, I feel entirely anxious, I want to cry and I cannot shake the feeling. I’ve learned that thinking positively really does make a difference, despite how much I hate optimists (sorry about how horrible that sounds, but I just think they’re so unrealistic and I don’t like inspirational quotes. They have no place in my life), I know I need to remain optimistic about the move to New York or I will absolutely lose my mind and not be able to function for probably a solid week. And that would get me nowhere. Because all that’s keeping me here now is the fact that I’m making money for my move and I can’t do that if I’m not functioning. I need to be at least partially functioning in order to get some dolla billz. I never thought I’d be someone to keep her head up so much, but hey, I guess that’s just what’s going on now. Hopefully I can someday soon return to the self-deprecating, self-loathing, mentally unstable pessimist we all know and have come to ignore. But for now, I guess I’ll keep thinking positively and listen to “Baby Don’t Cry”, both parts I and II, by Tupac to get me through life.

I suggest you all listen to Tupac regardless of your life situation. 1 luv.

Oh, also, I’m going to Governor’s Ball and I am pumped as fuck about that. Our move to New York coincides with the weekend of Governor’s Ball (for the most part), so that just makes me doubly as excited to get to June and be in New York. Good things on the horizon, people. Good things.

Again, listen to Tupac. He speaks some powerful words.