Tag Archives: london

thank goodness i bought welch’s fruit snacks before getting on the train

29 Jul

I’m really emotional right now, so forgive me for these posts. But there was a time during freshman year of college that I was miserable. First semester ended and I went home for Christmas and I had an amazing break. When I got back to school, I was tempted to transfer somewhere in Boston so I could be closer to my family again. I was looking into applications and asking for recommendations from old teachers; I was determined to transfer. I liked UMass Amherst a lot and really liked all of my new friends, but at that moment, nothing compared to what I left behind.

I spent the better part of a week searching for somewhere else to go to school. And then I had one really good weekend with all of the new people I’d met and they made me forget my sadness and how upset I was and determined to leave and go back to what I had before. After that, I never looked back and I could never be more grateful that I stayed at UMass.

That’s pretty much what’s happening to me right now. I’m not regretting my decision to move to New York, but I’m thinking about going to work tomorrow and seeing all of the new people I’ve met and doing the new work I’m assigned, and it’s not making me feel good. I keep comparing it to being with my family and the people who already know me so well. I’m not thinking about moving home, but I’m feeling a sense of anxiety.

But I have to remember that this will pass. It was my first time home since moving, it was an amazing trip, and it ended too soon. I need to remind myself that I was unhappy at home more often than not and that if I were to be there again, at least at this point in my life, I wouldn’t be happy. I just need a few days back in New York, seeing my friends, enjoying myself, to be okay again. This feeling will pass. And I have to remember that if I had left UMass, I would have never lived in London and met the people I met and had the incredible experiences I did. Because up until this moment, I’ve been nothing but happy in New York. And I know that I’ll be fine.

Sitting in silence really does terrible things to one’s mind. I still don’t have headphones and I decided to listen to my tv shows anyway, but iTunes only let’s you do that full screen. And I can’t be having “Friends” full screen right now.

i forgot headphones so i’m sitting in silence and it’s deafening

29 Jul

I’m on the Amtrak headed back to New York. I was just in Maine for the weekend, and I’m feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness having to leave York Beach so soon. I was only there from Saturday til this afternoon, and it wasn’t enough. It’s never really enough. I’m used to going for the entire week, spending all the time in the world with my family and then heading back to Massachusetts. But this time, I didn’t have that option. I don’t care about not heading back to Massachusetts (I actually had to do that because I took the Amtrak out of Boston), but I hate the fact that I couldn’t stay the entire week. In all honesty, I usually want to strangle at least a few of my family members by the end of our week-long vacation. I usually want to strangle them about two days in. But this trip was so different. I’m not surrounded by my family at all times anymore, so I had an extra sense of excitement about seeing them. I’ve really genuinely missed all of them and didn’t even realize it because I’m so distracted in New York. Thank God I’m distracted in New York, really. This is the first time I’ve felt homesickness since moving and it’s not even really for home, it’s for our little vacation getaway (I just lied, I feel London-sickness on a consistent basis and it’s mentally draining).

I genuinely enjoyed being with everyone and joking around, hearing them all talk. I miss that. I’m sad right now. I’m sitting on the train and I want to cry because I had to leave them. I’m never the one who has to leave them. I’ve been the one who’s wanted to leave them a little earlier, but never did. Trust me, I’ve rushed out of York before. But I really hate that I had to this year.

I didn’t think I’d cry when I was leaving. I was wondering if it would feel weird going home after moving, like the first time it did once I came back for a weekend freshman year of college. But really, driving through Watertown felt exactly the same as it always has, nothing felt different. I felt like I lived there again. Because despite not having a bed at my house anymore, I’m more than used to sleeping on the couch. Being there felt natural. But I’ve never gone to York for such a short time when everyone else got to stay and enjoy themselves and then have the sense that I was not going to see them again for a month. That’s what’s hitting me hardest. So I ended up crying when I was hugging my mother goodbye and almost crying again several times. I thought it would be easier for me now, but I guess I was wrong. I know it’ll get easier. But I thought I’d be used to it from college and studying abroad. But here I am, two hours away from New York, wishing I was back at the beach.

Growing up sucks balls.

i need to get my frank sinatra playlist in order

15 Apr

As much as I like to think of myself as a realist, I think I have to accept that my thoughts lean toward those of a pessimist point of view. The proverbial cup tends to be neither half full nor half empty, but instead, almost entirely empty. I like to pretend that I think this way because it’s the most realistic approach, but really, I think I’m trying to fool myself into thinking I’m less a miserable human being than I really am.

But despite my affinity for thinking the worst, I have some impending new life changes on the horizon that I am actually actively making myself think positively about, lest I have a panic attack every twenty minutes every single day. I am planning to move in June to New York with my good friend Lauren (check out her blog, suckers. She’s on this site, too. There’s a chance she’s the only person reading this entry. There’s also a chance she’s not reading it at all. Let’s hope for the best) to get the hell out of Massachusetts and try something new to further our lives. They’re pretty bleak in Watertown. If I stay here too much longer I might explode. I actually assume my body is going to explode at some point, but it would be so much more eventful if it happened in the big city (da big apple lolzzzz).

I want to take this time to make a special shout out to my palz Steph and Liz; Steph who was my roommate soulmate when we were paired together in London and Lauren and I will also be living with once we move, and Liz, who was one of my roommates in Amherst last year but is now in New York, and I cannot wait to live in the same vicinity as again. Both of them make the thought of the move even more exciting. Moving with Lauren does, too, I guess. Lololololzzzzz #BadassBitch #LuvMyGrlz

Now to be serious and genuine on this blog for once in my life. I’m looking to get into television production. Ideally at some point I would love to write for television, but for the time being, I’d be more than happy working my way through the business and would be ecstatic just to be a part of it. My biggest passion is probably television and I don’t care how sad that makes me sound, it’s what field I want to be involved in because I feel like it’s what I am destined to be a part of eventually. I’m twenty-two, this is the best time for me to go. I’m young enough where even if I totally fuck up, I have time to figure my life out. I like having that option. It’s scary, but also amazing.

I am also at the point in my life where I need a change of environment. Living at home is not a problem because my parents are overbearing or anything, I really get a lot of freedom here. It’s the fact that I’m twenty-two and I lived away for four years and am not used to being here anymore. I shouldn’t be in Watertown. Aside from family and (roughly four) friends, there is nothing here for me. It’s time for me to leave the Boston area and go somewhere new that has more opportunity for me. I’m really looking forward to the change and I really think I need it for my mental stability and wellbeing. I don’t know if you all (all zero of you) have sensed it, but I’m more on the crazy side than the sane side, and I’m hoping to maybe even that out a bit more if I’m somewhere else.

Also, my favorite place that I have ever lived is London. I never thought I would see myself as someone who would love to live in a city, but ever since I came back from there, I’ve missed being in a big city so much. Sure, Boston is a city, but it’s too small for me. I need somewhere bigger, with tons of boroughs to explore. I don’t need a square I can walk from destination to destination in. The second I got to Piccadilly Square in London, I immediately thought of Times Square. The more I went around London and then later went around New York, the two reminded me of one another. I think that New York will be a great London substitute since I can’t make my way back there (as of now, it would be amazing if I could eventually live there again, but who knows what’s gonna happen in life? I ain’t a psychic or nothin’), I might as well be as close as I can be here in the states. I think that’s something I need.

So, because of my excitement over the idea of being somewhere new, I need to keep my thoughts positive. I know how difficult it can be to survive in the city. But, I can’t focus on that. Sometimes, when I’m trying to fall asleep at night, I can’t stop thinking about money and moving and costs and jobs and everything that a person is supposed to worry about when going through a transition like this. And whenever I do, I feel entirely anxious, I want to cry and I cannot shake the feeling. I’ve learned that thinking positively really does make a difference, despite how much I hate optimists (sorry about how horrible that sounds, but I just think they’re so unrealistic and I don’t like inspirational quotes. They have no place in my life), I know I need to remain optimistic about the move to New York or I will absolutely lose my mind and not be able to function for probably a solid week. And that would get me nowhere. Because all that’s keeping me here now is the fact that I’m making money for my move and I can’t do that if I’m not functioning. I need to be at least partially functioning in order to get some dolla billz. I never thought I’d be someone to keep her head up so much, but hey, I guess that’s just what’s going on now. Hopefully I can someday soon return to the self-deprecating, self-loathing, mentally unstable pessimist we all know and have come to ignore. But for now, I guess I’ll keep thinking positively and listen to “Baby Don’t Cry”, both parts I and II, by Tupac to get me through life.

I suggest you all listen to Tupac regardless of your life situation. 1 luv.

Oh, also, I’m going to Governor’s Ball and I am pumped as fuck about that. Our move to New York coincides with the weekend of Governor’s Ball (for the most part), so that just makes me doubly as excited to get to June and be in New York. Good things on the horizon, people. Good things.

Again, listen to Tupac. He speaks some powerful words.

i would totes make the title of this post a bright eyes lyric if i were back in eighth grade

14 Jan

I have this problem where I live in the past. Any spare time I get during my day I spend thinking about things that have already happened. My real issue with this is that I think of the past and I create new scenarios in my mind that could have happened during that time and in that place, but none of it is real and never happened. I once read that 75% of what you daydream has never happened and will never happen. I’m pretty sure that this is actually 100% for me, because I think I’m actually a hallucination and live in an imaginary world.

But in all seriousness, my issue is that I live in the past and always wish that I could be somewhere else that I’ve already been, because I have to assume it’s better than where I am now. I am never just content with where I am in the moment. I am constantly unhappy with it and think about the better times I had in other places. I always wish I was back in these places, reliving the experiences I have before, enjoying myself as I have in the past. I wish that I could just be back in these locations, most usually the place I dream of being is London, because I know that this is where I was completely happy. I was literally unhappy three times in London, I could tell you the exact times because that’s how little I was unhappy there. However, I think I allow myself to forget the most important factor in this rush of wishing I was somewhere else: even if I were to go back, I can never recreate what happened there before. Things would be different if I were to return. If I went back to London, I would not be with all of the same people in my program, I would not have the same flat I had, I would not have the same sense of having almost no responsibilities. I’d have to figure out life differently and adjust to my surroundings that in a sense would become new to me again. It wouldn’t be what I experienced before. Even with Amherst, I often find myself wishing I could be back at our hold house from last year, just sitting around and drinking on the porch when the weather finally became nice. But, if I were to go back, it wouldn’t be the same there either. I’m not a student anymore, I can’t be living that lifestyle, my roommates wouldn’t be there, nothing would be the same. I wouldn’t even be able to live in 1136 again, and that’s what I most desperately miss. It makes it even sadder to think about missing these places when actually allowing the reality that nothing would be the same if I were to go there again.

I think that my issue is that I’m never content with the present unless something really exciting is happening, and really, how often does that occur? Not everything can be really exciting and I can never have everything that I want. I’m still struggling to actually accept this. And I don’t like to live thinking about the future, because I think that to me, the future is completely hypothetical. I have things that I would love to do and places I would love to go, but who knows when they’ll actually happen and if they’d work out how I plan. What if something were to go wrong? For example, you can have your hotel and flight booked to go to Germany for Oktoberfest, but you don’t necessarily plan on going to the wrong airport the morning of and missing your flight (yes, this actually happened to me. No, I don’t want to talk about it. Yes, I know I am very stupid. Yes, this is one of the three times I was unhappy in London). I need things to be happening the moment that I want them to happen, and then I mourn them when they’re over. I’m one of those people who gets sentimental and upset when Christmas ends. There’s always so much build up and spirits really are generally higher during the holiday season, but then it’s just all done. Sure, the tree stays up for another week and there’s still New Year’s Eve to celebrate, but really, the Christmas specials are all off of tv and I hate New Year’s Eve because it never lives up to the hype. I’m someone who always wishes it was another time and I was in another place with other people. It hinders me, yes, but it’s honestly very hard to control.

I don’t know if all of this makes me sound like a sad person, but I can’t help it. I’ve just had some really great experiences in my life, I suppose. I should look at it that way. However, I think I really wish I could go back to so many situations from my past because I want to be able to really appreciate them while they are happening, which I feel like I constantly never allow myself to do. I need to learn how to care more in the present when something is happening, rather than waiting for it to end so I can wax nostalgic about it. I’ll just pretend that this makes me very deep and poetic and look at it as a positive, when really, I know that isn’t it. I need to get the fuck out of my head because it’s insanity in there.

You’re welcome for this downer of a post, the zero people who look at this blog.