Archive | February, 2013

my brain’s cawk blawking me

26 Feb

You’d think that as someone who doesn’t shut up and constantly wants attention that I would have more to post on this blog. I unfortunately find myself with extreme writer’s block, however. I have so many topics and thoughts floating around in my head, but can’t sit still for a moment long enough to actually put down a cohesive piece about any of them, or I can’t think of enough to write about a single subject.

I think I’m in a bit of a funk in several aspects of my life, so I’m hoping that as a little bit of time passes and I can get settled back into old routines and feeling like myself a little bit more, I will be able to get some words to form sentences so I can post more in here. Just writing this honestly makes me feel a little bit better; it’s kind of therapeutic. A nice release, despite there being no point to what I’m saying right now.

It would be nice if I could just wake up tomorrow and have a ton of really insightful thoughts on a specific subject that I could elaborate on for this blog. All ten fingers and eleven toes* crossed that I can get past this writer’s block and think of some narsty shit to write for allayallz.

For now, enjoy these pics of Quvenzhané Wallis fist pumping at the Oscars. I haven’t seen “Beasts of the Southern Wild”, but I absolutely plan to after witnessing how incredible she is throughout this entire award season.

I aspire to become her.

I aspire to become her.

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*I don’t have eleven toes. Sorry for lying to you all.

#catholicproblems

14 Feb

I was just reading a Buzzfeed article entitled “17 People Coping With Food Restrictions For Lent” and immediately got annoyed (per usual, classic Alaina). Lent literally is just starting today (or tomorrow, who even knows anymore? I stopped pretending to be Catholic once I was confirmed and never looked back) and yet the internet and forms social media are already getting on my nerves about what people are giving up. Aka everyone is giving up a certain type of food or way of eating because of Lent. I have seen nothing other than food as the common theme of what to give up. Apparently you’re not cool if you don’t cut out everything but water for Lent.

This bothers me for a number of reasons. I just don’t like it when people give things up “for Lent”, when really they don’t even care about Lent and would rather just have an excuse to give something up. So many people just use Lent as an excuse to start dieting, and that’s annoying to me. Just start dieting if you want to start dieting, don’t use Lent as some clever disguise to make it look like you’ll have the willpower to eat only salad for the next forty days. I’d think that you had more willpower if you could just start up trying to eat healthy and lose weight any old day of the week, rather than when it’s convenient to do so. Also, Lent puts an end date on when you’re allowed to give up the diet that you have so graciously started in the name of Jesus, and I’d rather not look at dieting as having an expiration date, but rather look at it from the sense that you should eat better to make yourself feel better and you should do it whenever you damn well please.

I also hate that Lent is literally supposed to be a religious holiday, it isn’t commercialized like Christmas or the other Christian holidays that have lost religious meaning. I know that there are people out there, both young and old, who genuinely give something up for Lent to follow the religion. But, I feel like people now, especially people more my age, are more likely to give something up without even thinking about the reasons why they are giving something up. I’m by no means religious, but to me, it’s like if you’re going to partake in and follow the guidelines of something that pertains to a specific religious event, actually care about what that means. Otherwise, why even bother waiting until Lent to do anything? That’s actually entirely my point. Just fucking go on a juice cleanse if that’s so what your heart desires. Who cares what time of year it is? (Except I don’t encourage going on juice cleanses, food seems to be an important factor in surviving.)

I feel this way about New Year’s resolutions, too. I hate that as a society, we think that we need to have a reason or an excuse to do something, and we can only do these things at certain times of the year. Why bother using that philosophy? If you want to go out and do something, just do it. Don’t try to make a resolution to better yourself and then fail and then tweet about failing at your New Year’s resolution. If you mess up, don’t let it get you down, tomorrow is a new day. That is literally the only time in the entire history of my life I have used a sentence like that and you will never see me be so positive ever again in my life. I think that working for Weight Watchers is really starting to affect me. Being around people who struggle with weight loss on a day to day basis, who start up over and over again on program shows that people do understand that when they want to do something, they should just do it. Fuck having an excuse to, they just get it done. It’s also incredible to see all of the people who have been on program for years, who have been lifetime members for ages, and they don’t just look for a time when it’s convenient to do so.

I get that using Lent or New Year’s or whatever could be argued as a good jumping point to get someone started on their new path in life. Yes, that is true, but I feel like you’re more likely to give something up if there’s an expiration date on it, or once the nostalgia of “it’s the new year, time to make a difference in life!” wears off. If you’re gonna go for something, go for it. And don’t look back. DON’T EVER LOOK BACK.

Also, people need to stop instagramming pictures of salads that are extremely unappetizing. I enjoy a good salad myself, but if you’re going to upload a picture of a few pieces of iceberg lettuce and one tomato, please get out of my newsfeed and actually fall off the planet. I’m not impressed by this salad. That is not a salad. You are going to be hungry in three minutes. Please, feed yourself properly. Thank you.

Ps the title of this post is actually a hashtag that someone on that Buzzfeed link posted to their instagram. Just letting you all know that #catholicproblems exists.

perez hilton, i wish i knew how to quit you

11 Feb

The website perezhilton.com apparently started in 2005, when I was fifteen years old. I never read the website when I was in high school, but I had known about it, honestly mostly because Kathy Griffin had a problem with Perez and met up with him on her show “My Life on the D-List” in order to confront him about rude things he had written about her on the site. All I knew about it from that snip-it on the show was that Perez wrote celebrity gossip, but was a dick about it. I was too busy hating everything and having a middle part at the time to care about checking out what Perez was really all about.

I didn’t start actually reading it until I got to college. By freshman year, I still hated everything (and still do to this day, bless my little soul), but I hadn’t had my middle part for a good three and a half years, so it was time for me to check out the site since I was looking for new ways to procrastinate. I really did enjoy perezhilton.com when I first started reading it. Perez was actually pretty entertaining and I loved the celebrity gossip I was getting. He was kind of a bully and a bitch, but I mostly agreed with what he was saying, so I was glad there was a place I could turn to that could fill my need to read extremely judgmental and unapologetic blogging.

However, somewhere around this time, Perez decided that he was done being a bully. From what I remember, this was because he is gay and teen suicide due to gay bashing and bullying unfortunately became extremely popular, and Perez realized that he was part of the problem, since he bullied celebs by writing about which celebrities needed to come out of the closet and referring to “celebrities” by rude nicknames, such as when he called Rachel Zoe “raisin face” and Rumer Willis “potato head Willis”. Perez was ready to turn over a new leaf, and I decided to join him for the ride, only because I still was genuinely interested in reading whatever celeb gossip he had to shell out my way.

Guys, I don’t want to sound like a dick, but I have to say it: I prefer Perez as a bully. I don’t know who the fuck he’s trying to fool now, but I hate everything about his website. There is literally too much wrong with it for me to even try to start listing. But, I will obviously write out some examples for you zero readers here, I am first and foremost a journalist (no I’m not). So here we go.

Perez thinks that he is close and personal friends with like half of the celebrities he talks about. Now, I don’t actually know Perez in real life (thank God), but I’ll have to assume that this is not true. He used to make a living (I don’t know if he actually made a living doing this, but I don’t care to look it up either) insulting 3/4 of Hollywood, so why would they want to be friends with him? The only way to keep people as your friends when you talk shit about them constantly is to do it behind their back, which Perez clearly wasn’t doing. I should know since that’s how I keep all of my friendships going. But seriously, the way he writes about celebrities, you’d think that they’re all sucking his dick on a constant basis, since he has nothing but love to send out for all of them. Well, celebrities aside from Lindsay Lohan, but really, there’s no defending Lindsay Lohan. Except that Perez tries to act like he wants her comeback to actually happen, which I think is bullshit. I think everyone loves her train wreck of a life the way it is. I think she is purely existent at this point as a beacon of hope for everyone else in the world that although life may seem bad, it will never be as bad as Lindsay Lohan’s life. Also, he acknowledges that Chris Brown is an extremely shitty person (quite possibly the shittiest person to ever exist), but he continues to write about him in articles that focus on his music or his career. Like, let’s never discuss Christ Brown unless we’re discussing what a genuinely disgusting excuse for a human being he is, rather than further perpetuating his career. I don’t even understand why he still has a career. I hate everyone who thinks he is talented. He isn’t. There will always be someone who is more talented and better at whatever it is he does than Chris Brown.

We all know my hatred for Taylor Swift, and Perez talks about her as if she’s a goddess and everything posted online about her is written by mean bullies who want to make her feel bad. Like, actually probably not, the people writing about her personal life are doing exactly what you do now still, but used to do better. They’re telling it like it is. No one but Perez seems to be making excuses for Taylor’s boy-crazy antics, and I hate it. He’s further perpetuating that she’s the virginal role model that we all need in our lives, when she’s really just slut-shaming on all women who aren’t her through her lyrics. I’m sick of her and I’m sick of Perez blowing more smoke up her ass when what she really needs is to go away and take a nap for about ten years.

I honestly think that I hate Taylor Swift and so many other celebrities so much more than I should because Perez posts about 17 articles an hour about all of them, giving all of the details of everything he has just learned about them in the last twenty minutes. I don’t need that many articles about whether Taylor dumped Harry Styles or he dumped her. Just tell me they broke up and that she’s a completely miserable mess now and I can carry on, thanks.

But sorry, my apologies, this isn’t supposed to be about my disdain for Taylor Swift, this is supposed to be about my disdain for Perez Hilton. A huge issue I have with Perez is his website in general. At this point, Perez does not do all of his own blogging, and I actually don’t even know if he does any of it anymore. He clearly has a team of people who work for him, as they always refer to him as “we” instead of “I” in articles. It’s extremely annoying and I hate it, but this brings me to my point: This is one of the worst edited websites I have ever seen in my life. I don’t think anyone who works for him knows how to spell, and I also do not think that they know proper grammar. I kind of think that no one who works for the website has a basic knowledge of the English language. I was an English major so I’m a nerd about editing. But you would think that at this point in the game, Perez would hire someone who could spell words correctly and would know when to properly insert a comma into sentences. Also, along with the editing, the articles themselves are written in the most obnoxious ways possible. Perez and his team clearly think that he is really alternative and fabulous, but really, I would have to assume he’s not. They always write things like “on Taylor Swift’s AH-MAY-ZING new album” and “ch-ch-ch-check out this HIGHlarious clip!” Like, shut up. How about I don’t? How about you stop writing like that? It’s bothersome.

Along with this obnoxious brand of blogging, the website also puts literally any piece of information out there for people to read as fact. According to Perez, no two celebrities can hang out without being an item. Miley Cyrus, who has been engaged to Liam Hemsworth for some time now, was recently spotted in a car with Ed Westwick. SOUND THE ALARM, that must mean she’s fucking him! Miley herself sent out a series of tweets to Perez letting him know how irresponsible and insulting it is to her and her relationship that he do this. I was so extremely happy that she did this because I get pissed whenever I read any of his headlines about two celebs spotted hanging out. Clearly, they can’t be just friends. Also according to Perez, a celebrity who is in a relationship can’t spend any time alone, otherwise they must be miserable and really sad. Like, really? Someone can’t just go grab lunch by themselves? They have to miss their boyfriend? It’s extremely frustrating to read article after article of this shit.

Another thing that pisses me off about the website is that Perez has decided to not be a bully, yet he’ll be the first person to point out when a celebrity looks like shit, or if it looks like they had work done, or if it looks like they’re pregnant. Like, if they didn’t have work done and they’re not pregnant, you do realize that that is insulting, right Perez? As someone who has never been pregnant but once had a child ask if I was with child because I was wearing an unflattering top, I know how unhappy one can feel after hearing such an accusation. So, Perez, how about instead of just saying that people shouldn’t bully and everyone is beautiful, you stop being an secret dick and just practice what you preach? Also, he recently posted an article about it looking like Miley Cyrus cuts herself. What bothers me is that Perez acts like it’s okay to just throw out accusations like this, not realizing how it will affect the person he writes about. Maybe Miley used to have a problem, but how about we don’t address it if she doesn’t because it’s none of our business? No one is allowed to have any secrets, I guess.

This all just makes me think about how a few years ago, Perez called Will.I.Am a “faggot” because he was mad at him and “wanted to call him the most insulting thing I could think to call him”. So, apparently because Perez is gay, and he knows how horrible it can feel to be called such a word, he has the right or something to use that word to bring down someone else. It just made no sense. Now whenever anyone drops that gay-hating slur, Perez is first to jump on their back. But in that moment, he was fine with doing so, since he knows how negative the term is and how insulting it would be. His hypocrisy overwhelms me.

I’ve been wanting to write this article for a while, but what really got me going on it was an article I read yesterday that Perez posted about Whitney Houston’s daughter, Bobbi Kristina. Apparently, she was caught with her step-brother or foster brother, or whoever he is (I don’t know, but they were engaged at some point, so no matter what, their relationship is weird) smoking a blunt outside, out in the open. While I find it extraordinarily stupid to smoke out in broad daylight, it’s not my business and I do not give a shit if someone is going to smoke weed. Go for it, why should I care? Perez, however, acts as if marijuana is the worst thing to ever happen to the world. In the article, Perez writes “We can’t even begin to imagine what she’s going through right now, but it’s still very sad to see her resorting to this kind of behavior”. Like, excuse me? People smoke weed for tons of reasons, and it’s probably one of the safer routes they can go down. Perez acknowledges this but also assumes that weed is going to lead her to substance abuse because other family members have had substance abuse problems. Yeah, they have, but weed isn’t automatically the gateway to that, whatever anyone says. I’d rather her smoke weed than shoot up heroin. Would you Perez? I feel like Perez would rather her snorting coke and shooting up and then going out and murdering someone, than smoking weed. That is the way he presents marijuana on his website. He lets us know whenever any celebrity is smoking, and as I said, I do not give a shit. Justin Bieber, you want to smoke? Go ahead. Rihanna, keep it up. I don’t fucking care. Please stop reporting it as news.

Also, perezhilton.com posts a lot of links about how amazing Perez is and when he’s on talk shows or working out at the gym. Again, I will say it, I don’t fucking care. No one cares. I go to the website to learn celebrity gossip, not to learn what asinine thing Perez is doing, or to read misleading article headlines that have nothing to do with the content of the article, and not to take everything you say as fact, despite the fact that it’s actually essentially all speculation. You are not God and you are not above anyone else, Perez. Please, stop acting like you are, and go back to being the bitch we once knew and loved.

It’s interesting that I now realize that Perez was bitchier when he was heavier, and then once he lost weight, he decided to “better” himself. I hate when people do shit like that. I lost weight and I stayed a bitch. Just live your life and stay true to yourself, buddy. You’re not fooling anyone.

shine bright like a nemo

10 Feb

Just to update you mo’truckas on my life (I’m referring to the imaginary friends I have paid to read my blog, of course), I ended up living out my dream Nemo situation. The snow stopped early enough yesterday that the roads were all right enough to travel on and the driving ban in Boston and the surrounding areas was lifted after four. Still, I knew my parents would not let me take my car out seeing as how the car is actually my mother’s and I just drive it for free (spoiled brat, sorry), so I was still limited. Thankfully, my good friend Lauren was also in desperate need of drinking and getting away from her family, and we had ourselves a good old fashioned sleepover, full of champagne, sangria, cheap beer, “RuPaul’s Drag Race”, “SNL”, and “Wish Upon A Star”. So although I did not end up like Jack Nicholson at the end of the “The Shining” (such a bummer. Still, there’s a chance I could accomplish this task by tomorrow, so cross your fingers), I at least got to drink and watch “Drag Race”. That’s the most any underemployed 22 year old living outside of the city with her parents could ever hope for.

But I still hate Nemo and I have never had a weekend where I had absolutely no idea what to do with myself. I watched all of season two of “Portlandia”. So I guess that counts for something.

Shine on, bright stars.

Here's hoping this still happens, folks.

Here’s hoping this still happens, folks.

just some thoughts on improving the world

8 Feb

So, I just read on my favorite love/hate celebrity blog perezhilton.com* that Christina Applegate is leaving the show “Up All Night”. Now, I don’t know much about the show at this present time since I’ve only watched about four episodes in total and they were all from the first season, but I’m wondering what is going to happen with the show since Christina Applegate is one of the three leads and the show is about her and Will Arnett raising a baby. I think why I was never really too drawn to the show has to do with what my friend, Lauren, noticed. She pointed out that Will Arnett is not as appealing when he is playing the straight man. At this point, we are so used to him just playing extreme, ridiculous characters, and playing them to a T that seeing him play the straight man, a guy just trying to raise his baby, who yes, has some funny lines, but isn’t nearly as outrageous as the former character he’s played, does not give us the same feeling of needing to see more.

This post doesn't require images, but here's a picture of Will Arnett I like.

This post doesn’t require images, but here’s a picture of Will Arnett I like.

I was just discussing the news about the show with my brother, Brian, since one of our favorite topics to discuss is the Thursday night comedy lineup on NBC. We were thinking of ways that the show could deal with Christina Applegate’s departure, aside from the obvious idea of canceling the show. Brian suggested that they recast her, because that’s always funny and makes sense. Clearly, they won’t do that, but it could make for some real kooky times to see them try. But then, Brian said that maybe they could kill her character off. This way, Will Arnett’s character would be left to raise the baby alone. I pointed out to him, however, that Will Arnett’s character is not interesting because he isn’t a real character, he’s the straight man. We thought it would be better if it was Gob Bluth from “Arrested Development” instead raising a baby. This got us brainstorming and we came upon the best solution for what the show could do:

“Up All Night” becomes focused on Will Arnett’s character on the show having to deal with the death of his wife, Christina Applegate. In doing so, he slowly turns into Gob, since he doesn’t know how to handle sadness and loss. We learn more about his backstory (I have no idea if the show delves into his backstory, but it doesn’t matter, this is our show now) and we discover that he has two brothers and a sister, who are going to come help him now raise his child. Or, just Buster. Because we’re okay with that. And his mother Lucille can drop in from time to time, just for extra comedic relief. So now, the show DOES turn into Gob Bluth raising a baby on his own, and that just sounds far more exciting and interesting than anything “Up All Night” has ever offered us as an audience. From there, we have to deal with the fact that on “Arrested Development”, it is revealed that Gob does in fact have a child, his estranged son, Steve Holt. On “Up All Night”, his child is female. SO to deal with this, we can say that Gob has such a hard time raising his child that he has to abandon her, and she was left dealing with an identity crisis and transitioned into becoming male. That’s kind of a stretch and also seems pretty politically incorrect, so instead, to appease our new wave fans, we could instead say that Regan (Christina Applegate’s and Will Arnett’s fictional daughter. Didn’t even have to look up her name, I already knew she was named that the whole time) was never biologically a female anyway. They let Regan raise herself as whichever gender she chose, and that way, she could be free to be either more masculine or feminine. Her true sex is never revealed, and while she spent her childhood identifying as more feminine, she ends up embracing her masculine side in her teens. Regan could be considered a pretty gender-neutral name, anway. I know, it’s pretty far-fetched, but we kind of don’t give a shit. Brian didn’t even really come up with this part, this half-brained logic is all mine. I’m so proud of myself. My college education is really going far.

Imagine this guy helping you raise your child. Hilarity ensues!

Imagine this guy helping you raise your child. Hilarity ensues!

So, there it is. That’s how we’re going to save “Up All Night”. I think it’s pretty solid and everyone’s going to take this extremely seriously. I’ll probably be getting phone calls from the executives at NBC any day now asking for me to come write for the show and create new shows along the way that require this much brain power. I’m just so talented. HiT mE uP nBc!!!~*~*~*

I just really miss "Arrested Development". Plus, this picture happened.

I just really miss “Arrested Development”. Plus, this picture happened.

*I called perezhilton.com “my favorite love/hate celebrity gossip blog”, and I feel I need to clarify. I fucking hate Perez Hilton the person and the way everything on that website is reported, but the headlines and general information appeal to me. Trust me, there will be a post one day about my hatred for that website, but today is not the day to post it. Not today, pig. Not today. Patience, Iago.

nemo, you’re a crafty sonovabitch

8 Feb

As an underemployed 22 year old, I am used to my fair share of days doing absolutely nothing and accepting it and even enjoying it. However, today is just unbearable. I have not even been awake for six hours yet and I am just dead bored. I cannot find anything that I want to do (that I am able to do with my limited resources) that seems appealing or even slightly interesting. I never feel like this on the weekend or when I get a day off in the middle of the week, but something about the fact that there’s a blizzard outside stopping me from even taking my car and leaving my home (Deval Patrick declared that anyone caught driving after 4pm would be fined. And I have no sled dogs or sled, so I’m stuck unless I walk somewhere. But where would I even walk? Nothing is open, I’d assume) is really just making today unbearable for me. Also, side note, how fucked is it that I’m actually upset that I can’t drive my car? Usually I beg for days when I don’t have to get out on the road and put myself and millions of others in danger of my driving.

There’s a mixture of that and the fact that my parents are both also home today, and it’s not a weekend, and like a little kid, this still feels wrong to me. If  it is a weekday and my parents are home but not working from home, they should not be here. They should be at their jobs. I don’t know why this bothers me so much, but it feels like I have less options to just be in my house. Which is strange considering whenever I do have the day off and they’re not here, I stay confined to my room anyway. I think that it’s because on top of knowing they’re downstairs, they also insist on interacting with me anytime I go down there. By “interacting” I don’t mean having a conversation with me, I’m referring to my mother telling me that I look grumpy and my father asking me why I’m bored. If someone looks grumpy, why would you want to point that out to them and enrage them more? Wouldn’t you want to just leave them alone for their sanity and your physical well-being? I guess I’m an emotional infant, but I just still can’t process being confined to my house during the week if my parents are here.

I have so many things that I could be doing. I could be working out, cleaning my room, looking into jobs, etc, etc. However, I feel no need to do anything, and I think that’s because I feel no sense of urgency, since I have nowhere to go for the rest of the day and I can do any of these things at any time. I dislike that. Usually I get my workouts in because I cram them in between waking up and going to whatever job I’m working that day. However, today my plans are to sit in my room in my pajamas (another thing, I can’t even walk around in my underwear because my whole family is here. I’m calling bullshit on that, universe) while watching tv and complaining on Twitter and Facebook, eating, and then doing more of the former, mixed with more of the latter. It’s just strange how I guess I need the feeling of “it needs to get done now or it won’t get done at all and you’ll be mad at yourself” to get me motivated to do anything. That’s just one of the many problems with being a chronic procrastinator. Everything has to be done last minute, or it won’t get done. I need the pressure to do it, or I’ll just wither away into nothingness.

Ideally, I would love to be sitting around with some friends, watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race” (duh), and drinking wine. Also, ideally I’d be in my own apartment and not locked away (by choice) in my bedroom at my parents’ house, ignoring my family. However, these are not my circumstances. My friends are tucked away in their homes, there are no marathons of “Drag Race” on Logo today for whatever fucked up reason, nor are there any full seasons of it on demand, and I didn’t stock up on wine because I was extremely ill prepared for this blizzard. Also, my parents judge me pretty much whenever I drink, so I’m sure I would get a severe judgmental look from both of them if I were to take a bottle of wine up to my room alone. That’s what I get for leading them to believe I’m a troubled alcoholic. I really made a mistake five years ago when I let them believe what they wanted to about that. Mostly though, I’m angry about the fact that I can’t just sit around in my underwear.

So, to sum things up, long story short…

This is me.

This is me. Always and forever. But especially during Nemo.

nemo has come, nemo has risen, nemo will come again

8 Feb

Since there’s a snow storm occurring outside (named “Nemo” for reasons unknown to me. I assume it’s after the fish, but that makes it more confusing, so instead I’ll pretend it was named after my friend Emily’s cat Nemo, who is the HBIC at her house) and my work canceled for later, this would really seem like an awesome opportunity to get some great blogging time in. Alas, I have nothing to write about. I think it’s because it’s only 12:17 and I’ve only been awake a little over an hour, so I’m not stir-crazy enough yet to write anything. But, maybe I’ll keep you posted as the day/weekend goes on, depending on how snow-bound I am inside of my house. I’m hoping that this weekend plays out like “The Shining” and one of my family members decides to kill all of the rest of my family members and we play in a giant maze together. Oh, sorry, they weren’t playing in that maze in the end? They were running away from an axe murderer? Well, that could be fun, too. Hopefully it’s me who goes insane, I’m already more than halfway there and I would love to freeze to death like Jack Nicholson (SORRY FOR THE SPOILER), I heard that freezing to the death is the most peaceful way to go. Or it’s the worst way to go. I need to do some research.*

Maybe I’ll just write about “The Shining” for a little bit because that movie is sickening (I’m using “sickening” in the drag queen slang sense here, meaning amazing [amyahzing] and excessively hot). Shelley Duvall might be one of the most unfortunate looking women I’ve ever seen, I’d probably want to kill her if I was stuck in a house with her, too. That sounds cruel, let me rephrase that. I wouldn’t want to kill her because she’s ugly, I’d want to kill her because she’s annoying as fuck. Like have you heard her voice? You should probably listen to it. That’s enough to drive any man to drink, and then, yes, eventually to murder. Five G’s: Good God. Get a grip, girl.

Shhhhh

Shhhhh…just be quiet, Shelley. For everyone’s sake.

I think everyone’s favorite part of “The Shining” is when that guy is getting a BJ from that man in a bear suit. That literally could not make less sense, but it’s one of the top scenes I think everyone remembers. Also, that’s when Dick is murdered (SORRY FOR THE SPOILER AGAIN) and that’s just sad because he’s the one person willing to help this family and he also just drove a really long time in the snow, which I know from firsthand experience is no fun. Driving is the worst, but driving in the snow?! That’s really the pits. Poor guy made it all the way to the hotel, only to get distracted by a bear giving some guy a BJ and then gets axed in the stomach. Just unfair.

Haaayyyy

Haaayyyy

Another memorable scene is when Jack Nicholson macks that lady in the bathtub, but she turns out to be really old. I will not be putting up a screen cap of that, it is too gross. Not because she is old, but because her skin is like peeling off, and that really grosses me out. Instead, I’ll use this space to say that Danny’s possessed finger is my favorite character in the whole movie. He has the best lines and the best voice. I really think that him and Jack could have had a great friendship if given the chance. They could have done a buddy cop movie, or solved crimes together. Two deranged maniacs, ready to cause havoc in the big city: one’s a man, and one’s a finger, not belonging to that man. I smell a sequel!

Don't go picking any boogers with that there finger, boy

Don’t you go picking any boogers with that there finger, boy.

So there’s just some thoughts about “The Shining”. They were very insightful and analytical. This was in no way a waste of a post or of anyone’s time. God, am I lucky that no one reads this. I’d have to feel bad about wasting people time and I’d owe them back a few minutes of their lives. Instead, I just get to waste my own time and prolong my procrastination time before working out. Really, the only person I’m hurting here is me. And I take full responsibility for that.

In any case, I hope to look like this before the weekend is over.

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Wish me luck!

*That freezing to death line was taken from the new Looney Toons adventures, which I suggest everyone watches because they’re hysterical. Daffy is the true star on that show.