year one

I haven’t written anything of any significance or in any form of prose in quite some time, but it’s honestly probably been for the best. While some could see this as a travesty, that I’ve abandoned my creative outlet in order to pursue some mundane day to day activity, I actually have to counter that when I used to write more often, it was mostly self deprecating or from a place of negativity. I tend to write in times where I feel restless and not content in my life and environment, and the words end up being pessimistic. Although writing is an amazing outlet, I have the clarity to look back now and realize that my writing, while creative, was also not the most beneficial for my mental state. It’s important to be able to laugh at yourself, but it’s never good if you’re making fun of yourself because you don’t like who you are. And that’s exactly what I was doing.

So, now that I’ve prefaced this with that little declaration, i’ll get down to the point. On this exact day one year ago, I made the decision to move back from New York to Massachusetts in order to work on myself. And I wanted to write something tonight because tomorrow I start a new job and embark on a new journey to figuring out where my life will go and where my life will end up. A year ago, I needed to figure out a career path, but most importantly, I needed to work on my mental health, which I have never taken the time to actually step back and do. For years, I have thought on my own and also have been told by others that I could benefit from working on myself and getting to the roots of my unhappiness. But I was always in a place where I thought that my unhappiness would work itself out on its own and it was just a passing phase, or that I was just unhappy and meant to be unhappy. I thought that some people were just meant to live their lives out not content and unhappy. But, over the past year, I have grown in ways I never would have expected had I not made the decision to take a step back and figure my life out.

Last summer was probably the height of my unhappiness. As cliché as it sounds, I went through a nasty breakup that left me shattered. Although I put my whole heart into that relationship and I fell very fast and very hard for my ex, our relationship did not last long (for the best, really. I thank whatever higher power there might be now that he broke up with me when he did), so after a period of time, I was extremely confused about why I was as sad as I was still. Yes, I was broken hearted, but I seemed TOO broken hearted for the situation. I was also working at a job that I hated more than anything. I really liked the people I worked with, and they’re honestly the only things that kept me sane at that company, but the work itself killed me. It was mentally draining and excessively stressful, and all of the stress and anguish wasn’t worth it for the work I was doing and the experience I was gaining. I found myself at a loss.

I kept assuming that over time, life would figure itself out. I figured that I would meet someone new, he would just magically appear and I would forget about my ex. I thought that a new job would fall into my lap and it would just happen to be exactly what I wanted to do and also pay my rent, while still allowing me to enjoy myself. But none of this was realistic. Not only would nothing just fall into place because I wanted it to, but also the fact that I wasn’t even enjoying myself anymore. When I was first living in New York, I really enjoyed it; I loved that it was huge and there were so many new places to explore and new people to meet. But over time, it started weighing on me. Getting almost anywhere was at least a 40 minute subway ride. Everything was expensive. I didn’t want to go to new places or meet new people anymore, I just wanted be surrounded by the familiar and back somewhere safe, where I could figure out my entire life. New York can be a really amazing place to be, but sometimes, it isn’t the right place to be. That’s what I had to figure out.

The second I realized that I had the option and opportunity to step back and figure myself out, rather than just taking whatever menial job I hated to cover my rent, I knew that was really the only option. My mental state had never been so out of whack before in my life. I was always frantic and anxious. I had never experienced anxiety so often and so regularly before in my life.

I can happily say that a year later, I have never once regretted the decision to move home. The only time I have ever really missed New York was when thinking about how I don’t read as much as I’d like to anymore because I had a commute everyday that I wanted to pass the time on. Other than that, I haven’t missed it. Whenever I visit New York now, I have a great time because I’m with great friends, but I always know in the back of my mind that it was never like that when I lived there. The day to day was not enjoyable. I was not happy.

This might be the first time in my life I can say that I think I’m actually on the path to becoming happy, at least without external forces. I’m not depending on a relationship or something physical from the outside world to determine my happiness and self worth. I recently wrote a list of 25 things I’ve accomplished before turning 25, and I realized that the list shifted from physical things I’ve accomplished (which were all pretty varied and I’m proud of) to how I’ve completely changed thinking about the world. I’m finally at a place where I am happy to sit back, work on myself, and enjoy spending time with my loved ones. I’ve unintentionally become a more optimistic person. My cynicism level has dropped and I feel like I’ve become extremely less bitter about the world. It feels good. I’ve never felt so “okay” before and I like it. I know I still have to work on myself, but it’s a work in progress and at least I’m taking the time to make time for myself. I’ve realized that some things in life will happen when they happen, because what is meant to happen will happen. But, there are other things, such as career and mental health, that you need to work on yourself. You won’t just become happy because you wish that you’d stop being unhappy. You can’t just sit and wish that life will change for you. You need to take the steps and actually try. Something from within has to change.

So I’m writing this all down now because it’s officially been a year since I’ve made the decision to work on myself as a human being, and I am really happy to think about how much better I feel. It just feels like my entire perspective on life has changed and I’m getting to a place where I am content in life, but in a good way. Not in a way that I’m accepting my lot in life because it is what it is, but I’m content in that I’m good with everything. As I said, I’m starting a new job tomorrow. I will be working as a one to one instructional assistant in a first grade classroom, and I really think that although it will be very challenging work, it will also be so rewarding and exactly the experience I need. I worked in a school once I moved back from New York, and it is the first time in my life where I worked a job I didn’t dread going to. I’m hoping this continues and I can really figure out my life, at least in terms of career. The rest will happen when it happens, but at least I’m working my way there.

to: me, from: me (init)

It’s late September and you’re sitting in the shambles of your bedroom; clothes are thrown everywhere, your bureau is covered with anything you couldn’t find a spot for. You need to pack but don’t know where to begin. In a little over a week, you’ll be moving. Not to another apartment in New York, but back home because you just can’t do it anymore. Your mental health has taken a major hit and you’re not accepting it. You weren’t expecting this to happen – especially so soon – but it’s happening and surprisingly, you’re actually okay with it.

Even though your life in New York only lasted a less than a year and a half, more has happened to help you grow than you could have ever anticipated. Your time there wasn’t long, but life seemed to happen in fast forward, squeezing in more life lessons, experiences, and realizations about your sense of self than you could have ever imagined. And it’s scary and sad and you’re not happy like you expected you would be, but you’re learning and growing and the experience was ultimately with it. You know you needed this. Part of it comes naturally from growing up – you went from 22 to 24 in New York. You went from early twenties to mid twenties. You don’t enjoy the same things you did a year ago and your priorities have changed almost completely. You’re a different person. But you know this isn’t just because you’re getting older and maturing. You know New York had a major hand in showing you what’s most important to you and that you can’t pretend to be anything or like anything for other people. You need to live for yourself.

I’ll start off with this, things you anticipated about New York, but had to actually experience to understand to what extent: everything smells bad and everything costs money – too much money. You’ll spend unfathomable amounts on cab rides from Manhattan or even just from one end of Brooklyn to the other, and the beer all costs too much, as do your groceries. Plus, you order food out way more than you should, and every time you hit “place order” on seamless, you can hear your bank account begin to whimper. Despite what people say about happy hour, searching for good deals around where you work in midtown is useless, you still spend too much money. Plus midtown is actually the center of hell all on its own and the fact that you are there five days a week makes you want to scream. Your rent is stupidly expensive for the area you live in. You live paycheck to paycheck and you accept it, but you know it won’t help you in the long run. It’s also too loud. Always too loud. There are literally sounds everywhere and it’s overwhelming. There are rats everywhere, mostly in the subway. And no matter how many rats you see in the subway, you will always still be startled by rats in the subway. You’ll have a mouse in your apartment. You and Lauren will name him Clarence, but he will never be welcome. You see him once soon after you move in but then not again for months. You think you imagined him, but he’s not imaginary – he’s just hiding out. Eventually disposing of him will be slightly scarring. And it will take 45 minutes. You just don’t want to deal with this.

You will drink too much at the beginning. Way too much. And your friends will tell you this and you will feel attacked at first, but you know they’re right. You consciously try to be better, and you have your slips, but you do get better with it. So there is that, you do yourself proud. But when you first move, for the first few months, you drink more consistently during the week than ever before, even in college. You still really miss college, despite how many years have gone by. And you will always miss studying abroad. You wanted to live back in a big city because London was so amazing. But New York isn’t London, not by a long shot, and the stupidity of your youth while you were abroad isn’t acceptable anymore. Your life was a dream then and you didn’t realize that living and working in New York would be so starkly different from visiting. When you visited for long weekends in the past, you didn’t want to leave. Now, you find yourself itching to go home for the first time.

You fell in love again. It’s unexpected, but it happened. And it terrified you because it happened fast, faster than ever in the past. But you embraced it as much as it scared you. He was good looking and had a beard and he let you pop his pimples and his favorite food is pizza, just like you. He felt like your dream man, but you knew there was a lot wrong that you were ignoring. You wanted this to work, so you didn’t tell him how often he hurt your feelings or how it bothered you that he thought of you so little and he thinks about himself too much, or that he really has no idea how to be in a relationship. You brush away all of the bad because you thought there was more good there and you loved him. You thought he loved you too, but you’re wrong because he tells you so. You have a sneaking suspicion that he was lying and just scared. You don’t think you misinterpreted the signs, things he said and did (that time he actually said the words “I love you” and apparently didn’t realize he said it), but he tells you otherwise. In the end that doesn’t matter – he doesn’t want to be with you. And your heart will be crushed and stay crushed for a while.

It confuses you, why you feel so terrible for the amount of time you do, but you come to realize it isn’t about him. Trust me, eventually you’re sadder about losing his friends and Thursday night trivia and the life you had built while in a relationship than you actually are about him. And it took you the summer, but you finally understand: you’re unhappy. Not just at the current moment in life, but fundamentally. You’re unhappy and you know that you’ve generally always been unhappy, at least for the last however many years. At this point you can’t even remember when the unhappiness first seeped in. You’ve just been searching too desperately for distractions and people to surround yourself with to even realize it. And surrounding yourself with people doesn’t work no matter how hard you try; you don’t have the support system you envisioned you would have when you moved to New York. The friends you’ve made already have other friends, they don’t need you the way you need them. You’re lonely and you acknowledge that and realize you don’t like it. Being lonely doesn’t suite you, never has. You can’t pinpoint the exact moment, but something clicks and everything changes and you completely understand the level of your unhappiness. And you finally acknowledge that New York is a part of it.

You’ve started to realize that while you used to dread the idea of moving home, you can’t understand why anymore. Home seems safe and what you need while your mental stability hangs in the balance. You’re drained mentally and emotionally and you need to fix that. Whereas before you thought Boston was too small, you’re now realizing that New York is too big. And while you’re not old, you feel too old and tired to be attracted to that anymore. While you were once excited about moving somewhere so expansive and so large, it’s too big for you eventually. You’re too lazy to want to go anywhere other than your apartment. You used to admire the subway system because it felt so unreliable in Boston, but you’ve even tired of the fact that to get anywhere, you have to travel a minimum of thirty minutes by train. You’re exhausted in every aspect of your life. You don’t have the thirst to travel and explore different parts of New York, to discover hidden gems and forgotten areas. That doesn’t excite you anymore. Nothing about New York excites you anymore. And that’s okay.

The thought of moving home excites you; of being with your family again and with friends you don’t see anymore. The idea of being at a distance from a city for a while, but knowing Boston is just at your fingertips if you need it. This all makes sense to you. A new environment but somewhere familiar to nurse you back to feeling like yourself again. This feels good and it feels right and that excites you. And that’s okay.

You never had plans for yourself and New York in the long run. You didn’t have a time frame. You just wanted to go. You weren’t ready to leave college and you weren’t ready to go home, you just needed to go somewhere else. Somewhere bigger and somewhere better where you thought your career opportunities would lie. But you didn’t have any concrete expectations. You didn’t expect to work an entry level position in finance in midtown. You didn’t expect how stressful it would be for no reason. You didn’t expect to dread going to work every single day. You didn’t expect how much this would weigh on you emotionally. You know people exist who love their jobs, and you long to be part of that club. You didn’t expect to cry at your desk almost every day for over two months. And you definitely didn’t expect to be 24 with almost absolutely no idea of what you want your career to be. New York was supposed to solve that problem, but instead you’re leaving with an even bigger sense of uncertainty. That scares you, but you know staying will only make it worse and make you unhappier. You can’t do that to yourself any longer.

You start losing the desire to write, and that, too, scares you. Writing was always your creative outlet, your way to allow your thoughts to take flight of their own. Part of the disconnect was distraction – going out a lot and being in a relationship got in the way of writing. A lot of it was from working all day and having no brain power to even consider sitting down and typing. But you know you need that outlet and that way to express yourself, even if no one reads it, and even taking the time to write out all these thoughts gives you a sense of control again. That feels good. All you wanted was to feel like yourself again, and this all feels like a step in the right direction to getting back to who you were.

But it wasn’t all sad in New York. You had plenty of good times: birthday celebrations, monthly book club meetings, free happy hours with friends from work. Even just the nights spent at your apartment watching dumb tv shows and movies and drinking wine. All of those are moments you’ll now cherish, and you needed those. You met some good people and had some great laughs. You went to some new and beautiful places and had some interesting experiences. You lived life while you could, but New York lost its appeal. The allure vanished and the thought of staying there makes you feel trapped and stuck. You want to get out before you resent the city. So many people end up in New York because it’s an escape from their former life, but it turns out that for you, New York was a way to get back home. You’re finally ready to be there, and you thank New York for that.

thank goodness i bought welch’s fruit snacks before getting on the train

I’m really emotional right now, so forgive me for these posts. But there was a time during freshman year of college that I was miserable. First semester ended and I went home for Christmas and I had an amazing break. When I got back to school, I was tempted to transfer somewhere in Boston so I could be closer to my family again. I was looking into applications and asking for recommendations from old teachers; I was determined to transfer. I liked UMass Amherst a lot and really liked all of my new friends, but at that moment, nothing compared to what I left behind.

I spent the better part of a week searching for somewhere else to go to school. And then I had one really good weekend with all of the new people I’d met and they made me forget my sadness and how upset I was and determined to leave and go back to what I had before. After that, I never looked back and I could never be more grateful that I stayed at UMass.

That’s pretty much what’s happening to me right now. I’m not regretting my decision to move to New York, but I’m thinking about going to work tomorrow and seeing all of the new people I’ve met and doing the new work I’m assigned, and it’s not making me feel good. I keep comparing it to being with my family and the people who already know me so well. I’m not thinking about moving home, but I’m feeling a sense of anxiety.

But I have to remember that this will pass. It was my first time home since moving, it was an amazing trip, and it ended too soon. I need to remind myself that I was unhappy at home more often than not and that if I were to be there again, at least at this point in my life, I wouldn’t be happy. I just need a few days back in New York, seeing my friends, enjoying myself, to be okay again. This feeling will pass. And I have to remember that if I had left UMass, I would have never lived in London and met the people I met and had the incredible experiences I did. Because up until this moment, I’ve been nothing but happy in New York. And I know that I’ll be fine.

Sitting in silence really does terrible things to one’s mind. I still don’t have headphones and I decided to listen to my tv shows anyway, but iTunes only let’s you do that full screen. And I can’t be having “Friends” full screen right now.

i forgot headphones so i’m sitting in silence and it’s deafening

I’m on the Amtrak headed back to New York. I was just in Maine for the weekend, and I’m feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness having to leave York Beach so soon. I was only there from Saturday til this afternoon, and it wasn’t enough. It’s never really enough. I’m used to going for the entire week, spending all the time in the world with my family and then heading back to Massachusetts. But this time, I didn’t have that option. I don’t care about not heading back to Massachusetts (I actually had to do that because I took the Amtrak out of Boston), but I hate the fact that I couldn’t stay the entire week. In all honesty, I usually want to strangle at least a few of my family members by the end of our week-long vacation. I usually want to strangle them about two days in. But this trip was so different. I’m not surrounded by my family at all times anymore, so I had an extra sense of excitement about seeing them. I’ve really genuinely missed all of them and didn’t even realize it because I’m so distracted in New York. Thank God I’m distracted in New York, really. This is the first time I’ve felt homesickness since moving and it’s not even really for home, it’s for our little vacation getaway (I just lied, I feel London-sickness on a consistent basis and it’s mentally draining).

I genuinely enjoyed being with everyone and joking around, hearing them all talk. I miss that. I’m sad right now. I’m sitting on the train and I want to cry because I had to leave them. I’m never the one who has to leave them. I’ve been the one who’s wanted to leave them a little earlier, but never did. Trust me, I’ve rushed out of York before. But I really hate that I had to this year.

I didn’t think I’d cry when I was leaving. I was wondering if it would feel weird going home after moving, like the first time it did once I came back for a weekend freshman year of college. But really, driving through Watertown felt exactly the same as it always has, nothing felt different. I felt like I lived there again. Because despite not having a bed at my house anymore, I’m more than used to sleeping on the couch. Being there felt natural. But I’ve never gone to York for such a short time when everyone else got to stay and enjoy themselves and then have the sense that I was not going to see them again for a month. That’s what’s hitting me hardest. So I ended up crying when I was hugging my mother goodbye and almost crying again several times. I thought it would be easier for me now, but I guess I was wrong. I know it’ll get easier. But I thought I’d be used to it from college and studying abroad. But here I am, two hours away from New York, wishing I was back at the beach.

Growing up sucks balls.

i almost named this “where is my mind?” but i hate doing things that are too relevant to what i’m actually talking about. it makes me feel corny and like a phony, and i really don’t like holden caulfield

What if I’ve been entirely too cynical my entire life and I’m only just noticing now how detrimental that has been to me in my development as a person? I’ve always been cynical, for as long as I can remember. I not only acted cynical, but I believed in cynicism. I actively pursued being cynical. Life is easier when you’re cynical. You don’t feel like you look like as much as a fool in the long run when you’re cynical. But what if that’s been holding me back? That’s actually not even a question, I know it’s true. I hide behind sarcasm and cynicism and I don’t know how to break out of it.

I don’t know if you actually feel a change in yourself when you change ages, but turning 23 has made me think about a lot, and I don’t really understand why. Birthdays are birthdays. It must be the mix of turning one year closer to 25 (and from there, one year closer to 30) and moving to a new place where I’m beginning a new job in a new environment and I only know a few people. I actually love that, though. I love that I only know a handful of people. I’m so used to being places where I’m surrounded by tons of people I know personally at all times. I’ve known since before I moved that I needed to be in a new place where I had to meet new people and I couldn’t stick to the crutch of my normal routine. I needed to be somewhere I could meet people outside of my comfort zone. Moving has really been a positive experience for me.

Something’s always missing, though; I always feel that way. It’s depressing, but it hasn’t been hitting me as hard lately as it would when I was back in Massachusetts. I thank whoever out there for that, there’s no need going around feeling depressed and upset, especially when you’re somewhere unfamiliar. I’ve been really happy in New York, but I still feel like I’m looking for something else, and it’s not coming to me.

The lives of my friends are changing, too, and I have to think about my cynicism and general approach to life. Maybe I should have more faith in other people, maybe I should trust people have good intentions and not assume the worst from everyone. I’m so unwilling to believe anyone as being genuine, I always think they have ulterior motives. Now that I’m an old maid, I realize that’s no way to go through life. That worked when I was 22, but I’m an independent grown up now. I need to start acting like it. And thinking like it.

I wonder what life would be like through the eyes of an optimist. So many of my friends are optimists and I scoff at them because I don’t think they’re being realistic, but they’re probably a lot happier in the long run. I assume that they’re in for greater disappointment when the things they plan for and hope for ultimately crash and burn, but why do I have to assume that everything is going to go wrong? I don’t understand how brains are wired and programmed. I didn’t do as well in AP Psych as I would have liked.

Every once in a while I just need to have these kind of posts. I’m so much in my head all the time, it helps to get the words and thoughts out there. I sound like a psycho and it’s okay because I am a psycho. I was just saying that I wish I was Bjork because people would accept me being insane, but sadly I was not born inside of a swan and then wore her body as a dress once I outgrew her belly.

Let’s just keep truckin’, society.

“their adventure is just beginning” just happened to be uttered on a commercial that’s playing

I am currently sitting on my bed, surrounded by a pile of clothes. I’ve decided to allow myself six more minutes before removing said clothes from my bed and placing them in plastic bags. Yes, friends, the time has come. I am moving to New York, officially on Saturday, but my apartment is already there waiting for me with open arms and smiles to enter. I am procrastinating like a mother fucker at this current moment, so I decided “why not”? Hilary Duff had said it so well so many years before me, and so I had to say it now, to apply it to this moment in time. Why not blog for a hot second cause I haven’t written this shit in like a month? For that I am sorry. Life is busy and life is hard and life was taken up by a lot of job hunting and life hunting. I have secured a job (kind of two jobs) and also that apartment, so my life is steadily coming to order. I am rambling on like a psychopath right now because guess what? I am going criminally insane. And when I am going criminally insane, as it happens a few times a month, I just need to ramble and get some thoughts out. So I am going to impose those thoughts on poor, defenseless individuals on the internet because all should fear my wrath.

My leg is asleep. This is uncomfortable. Four minutes, then back to packing. Procrastination will some day be the death of me, of this I am sure. I’ve eaten six slices of pizza today and an uncountable amount of ice cream. I am not feeling so well. But so is life, eh? I suppose this will do, I should probably stop typing.

One more thing, my horoscopes have been very positive lately, one of them claims I will have good fortune for 13 months. That’s the kind of news I like to hear. New York, we should be having a good time very very soon. Be ready for me. And be ready for the thunder.

I want my life to some day be all about this tweet.

refer to the first few lyrics of “a moment like this” by kelly clarkson

I’m not quite sure if this comes as strange information to anyone, but I actually tend to take my horoscopes pretty seriously. For whatever reason, whenever I check my horoscope (which is kind of rarely, I always just forget it’s a thing to look up), it always seems to be directly related to what I’m thinking in my mind or what I’m expecting to happen in the future. Sure, you could tell me that I’m just choosing to look into it the way I want to because I want the horoscope to be directly related to what’s happening currently, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening. For example, this is my horoscope for the month of May. I find it eerily related to what will be happening in my life:

“Embrace the Unknown

 Although you start this month with your feet on the ground managing your responsibilities, you grow more reflective as the days wear on. However, it seems as if your progress is being thwarted at every turn, but your strong resolve enables you to prevail. Four planets traveling through determined Taurus and your 11th House of Long-Term Goals can make you stubborn, encouraging you to resist the pressure to change. 

 

However, adaptability becomes your secret weapon when magnetic Venus enters inquisitive Gemini and your 12th House of Soul Consciousness on May 9, stimulating your curiosity about spiritual practices. Meanwhile, a Taurus Solar Eclipse the same day reveals the instability of your current plans, suggesting that maintaining the status quo is no longer working.

 

The direction of your life is shifting, and transformations also occur on a more subconscious level as thoughtful Mercury joins visionary Jupiter and desirous Venus in your spiritual 12th House of Contemplation on May 15, followed by the Sun on May 20 and Mars on May 31. Although these planets in restless Gemini increase the noise level in your head, these are not conversations that you want to have with anyone else. 

 

You are given a chance to contemplate your inner journey and its impact on your daily routine when the freedom-loving Sagittarius Lunar Eclipse shakes up your 6th House of Habits on May 25. There’s plenty of change in your professional world, too, as the long-lasting Uranus-Pluto square on May 20 influences your 7th House of Relationships and your 10th House of Career. This dynamic aspect isn’t only about a single event, but rather the continuation of a metamorphosis that began on June 24, 2012, and lasts through March 16, 2015.” 

As I’ve written on here before, I’m planning to move to New York in June. Right now, I am going through the grueling and tedious processes of looking for both a place to live as well as a job for when I finally make the move. The fact that the horoscope discusses a major life change and changes in my professional life really stand out to me, as both of those are (hopefully) going to be happening for me within this month. Sure, we can say it’s just easy for the horoscope writers to throw in some bullshit about jobs and life changes and blah blah blah, because that’s an easy cop out instead of actually being connected to a person’s life. But, I don’t know. The fact that I chose to check my horoscope at this particular time when I am about to embark on so many changes really means something to me. I do actually happen to think that everything happens for a reason, but I will never ever be aware or knowledgable of the reasons behind anything. I apologize for sounding so sentimental or crazy or whatever, but as I’ve said time and time again, no one actually reads this. This is essentially my 3rd grade diary. The one that had teddy bears on the cover. I wish this blog had teddy bears on it.

My wish is my command.

Added bonus…BABY in bear costume!! AAAHHH!!!

So, but, yeaaaaah. Happy May, everyone! Maybe I’ll think of something worthwhile to write about in the upcoming days/weeks/months/years/lifetimes. Probably not. Probably just more of the same shit I’ve been spilling out for decades. Since I was born. I’ve just been spewing shit for y’all to take. And y’all is takin it like champs. Dream until your dreams come true.

i need to get my frank sinatra playlist in order

As much as I like to think of myself as a realist, I think I have to accept that my thoughts lean toward those of a pessimist point of view. The proverbial cup tends to be neither half full nor half empty, but instead, almost entirely empty. I like to pretend that I think this way because it’s the most realistic approach, but really, I think I’m trying to fool myself into thinking I’m less a miserable human being than I really am.

But despite my affinity for thinking the worst, I have some impending new life changes on the horizon that I am actually actively making myself think positively about, lest I have a panic attack every twenty minutes every single day. I am planning to move in June to New York with my good friend Lauren (check out her blog, suckers. She’s on this site, too. There’s a chance she’s the only person reading this entry. There’s also a chance she’s not reading it at all. Let’s hope for the best) to get the hell out of Massachusetts and try something new to further our lives. They’re pretty bleak in Watertown. If I stay here too much longer I might explode. I actually assume my body is going to explode at some point, but it would be so much more eventful if it happened in the big city (da big apple lolzzzz).

I want to take this time to make a special shout out to my palz Steph and Liz; Steph who was my roommate soulmate when we were paired together in London and Lauren and I will also be living with once we move, and Liz, who was one of my roommates in Amherst last year but is now in New York, and I cannot wait to live in the same vicinity as again. Both of them make the thought of the move even more exciting. Moving with Lauren does, too, I guess. Lololololzzzzz #BadassBitch #LuvMyGrlz

Now to be serious and genuine on this blog for once in my life. I’m looking to get into television production. Ideally at some point I would love to write for television, but for the time being, I’d be more than happy working my way through the business and would be ecstatic just to be a part of it. My biggest passion is probably television and I don’t care how sad that makes me sound, it’s what field I want to be involved in because I feel like it’s what I am destined to be a part of eventually. I’m twenty-two, this is the best time for me to go. I’m young enough where even if I totally fuck up, I have time to figure my life out. I like having that option. It’s scary, but also amazing.

I am also at the point in my life where I need a change of environment. Living at home is not a problem because my parents are overbearing or anything, I really get a lot of freedom here. It’s the fact that I’m twenty-two and I lived away for four years and am not used to being here anymore. I shouldn’t be in Watertown. Aside from family and (roughly four) friends, there is nothing here for me. It’s time for me to leave the Boston area and go somewhere new that has more opportunity for me. I’m really looking forward to the change and I really think I need it for my mental stability and wellbeing. I don’t know if you all (all zero of you) have sensed it, but I’m more on the crazy side than the sane side, and I’m hoping to maybe even that out a bit more if I’m somewhere else.

Also, my favorite place that I have ever lived is London. I never thought I would see myself as someone who would love to live in a city, but ever since I came back from there, I’ve missed being in a big city so much. Sure, Boston is a city, but it’s too small for me. I need somewhere bigger, with tons of boroughs to explore. I don’t need a square I can walk from destination to destination in. The second I got to Piccadilly Square in London, I immediately thought of Times Square. The more I went around London and then later went around New York, the two reminded me of one another. I think that New York will be a great London substitute since I can’t make my way back there (as of now, it would be amazing if I could eventually live there again, but who knows what’s gonna happen in life? I ain’t a psychic or nothin’), I might as well be as close as I can be here in the states. I think that’s something I need.

So, because of my excitement over the idea of being somewhere new, I need to keep my thoughts positive. I know how difficult it can be to survive in the city. But, I can’t focus on that. Sometimes, when I’m trying to fall asleep at night, I can’t stop thinking about money and moving and costs and jobs and everything that a person is supposed to worry about when going through a transition like this. And whenever I do, I feel entirely anxious, I want to cry and I cannot shake the feeling. I’ve learned that thinking positively really does make a difference, despite how much I hate optimists (sorry about how horrible that sounds, but I just think they’re so unrealistic and I don’t like inspirational quotes. They have no place in my life), I know I need to remain optimistic about the move to New York or I will absolutely lose my mind and not be able to function for probably a solid week. And that would get me nowhere. Because all that’s keeping me here now is the fact that I’m making money for my move and I can’t do that if I’m not functioning. I need to be at least partially functioning in order to get some dolla billz. I never thought I’d be someone to keep her head up so much, but hey, I guess that’s just what’s going on now. Hopefully I can someday soon return to the self-deprecating, self-loathing, mentally unstable pessimist we all know and have come to ignore. But for now, I guess I’ll keep thinking positively and listen to “Baby Don’t Cry”, both parts I and II, by Tupac to get me through life.

I suggest you all listen to Tupac regardless of your life situation. 1 luv.

Oh, also, I’m going to Governor’s Ball and I am pumped as fuck about that. Our move to New York coincides with the weekend of Governor’s Ball (for the most part), so that just makes me doubly as excited to get to June and be in New York. Good things on the horizon, people. Good things.

Again, listen to Tupac. He speaks some powerful words.