Tag Archives: jobs

are there any songs about turning 24? does anyone even care?

1 Jul

It’s the eve of my 24th birthday and although my life is drastically different, it feels like I’m finding myself places I’ve been before. I’ve survived a year in New York, grown up, altered my lifestyle, met someone and fell in love and now I’m trying desperately to force myself out of it.

I thought I would go into my 24th year on this Earth as someone new, in a completely new circumstance, ready to grow into myself as a person. I’ve been at my job for a year and ready to move on, we’re in the works of moving into a new apartment, and I thought I had someone I loved by my side to get me through all the trying times.

I’ll never forget on “Sex and the City” that Carrie once said something along the lines of “New York women are always looking for either a job, a boyfriend, or an apartment”. I thought I was going to have at least two out of three set going into my mid-twenties, but it’s looking like I’m just another lost cause; I have a job, but want to move on, but have no idea anymore what I want to do with my life. I thought I was going into a long-standing relationship, but that was pulled out from beneath me and I’m left alone, yet again, like I’ve been so many times. Just me, my computer, and my broken heart. If I had a pick up truck or liked animals, I could write a country song. The apartment we’re looking to move into seems like a lost cause at this point, as we have no idea when we’re moving. It’ll happen eventually, but no one knows when.

Ultimately, I want to be happy. And in my last month of being 23, I went from being happy and almost completely content, to having all of my dreams in front of me dashed. I feel completely lost right now and don’t know what to do. And all I can do is wallow, which is the worst part.

I just felt I hadn’t written in so long, which is a real shame. I just can’t find the energy to write at all anymore, I’m usually busy or too tired from work. I guess I’ll have a lot more free time now, however, so I guess I’ll have that going for me. It’s just that I’m turning 24 in less than three hours and I don’t even know how I feel about it. I guess I mostly feel empty, and I wish there was something I could do to fix that. Right now though, it doesn’t look like there’s a solution in sight.

refer to the first few lyrics of “a moment like this” by kelly clarkson

1 May

I’m not quite sure if this comes as strange information to anyone, but I actually tend to take my horoscopes pretty seriously. For whatever reason, whenever I check my horoscope (which is kind of rarely, I always just forget it’s a thing to look up), it always seems to be directly related to what I’m thinking in my mind or what I’m expecting to happen in the future. Sure, you could tell me that I’m just choosing to look into it the way I want to because I want the horoscope to be directly related to what’s happening currently, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening. For example, this is my horoscope for the month of May. I find it eerily related to what will be happening in my life:

“Embrace the Unknown

 Although you start this month with your feet on the ground managing your responsibilities, you grow more reflective as the days wear on. However, it seems as if your progress is being thwarted at every turn, but your strong resolve enables you to prevail. Four planets traveling through determined Taurus and your 11th House of Long-Term Goals can make you stubborn, encouraging you to resist the pressure to change. 

 
However, adaptability becomes your secret weapon when magnetic Venus enters inquisitive Gemini and your 12th House of Soul Consciousness on May 9, stimulating your curiosity about spiritual practices. Meanwhile, a Taurus Solar Eclipse the same day reveals the instability of your current plans, suggesting that maintaining the status quo is no longer working.
 
The direction of your life is shifting, and transformations also occur on a more subconscious level as thoughtful Mercury joins visionary Jupiter and desirous Venus in your spiritual 12th House of Contemplation on May 15, followed by the Sun on May 20 and Mars on May 31. Although these planets in restless Gemini increase the noise level in your head, these are not conversations that you want to have with anyone else. 
 
You are given a chance to contemplate your inner journey and its impact on your daily routine when the freedom-loving Sagittarius Lunar Eclipse shakes up your 6th House of Habits on May 25. There’s plenty of change in your professional world, too, as the long-lasting Uranus-Pluto square on May 20 influences your 7th House of Relationships and your 10th House of Career. This dynamic aspect isn’t only about a single event, but rather the continuation of a metamorphosis that began on June 24, 2012, and lasts through March 16, 2015.” 

As I’ve written on here before, I’m planning to move to New York in June. Right now, I am going through the grueling and tedious processes of looking for both a place to live as well as a job for when I finally make the move. The fact that the horoscope discusses a major life change and changes in my professional life really stand out to me, as both of those are (hopefully) going to be happening for me within this month. Sure, we can say it’s just easy for the horoscope writers to throw in some bullshit about jobs and life changes and blah blah blah, because that’s an easy cop out instead of actually being connected to a person’s life. But, I don’t know. The fact that I chose to check my horoscope at this particular time when I am about to embark on so many changes really means something to me. I do actually happen to think that everything happens for a reason, but I will never ever be aware or knowledgable of the reasons behind anything. I apologize for sounding so sentimental or crazy or whatever, but as I’ve said time and time again, no one actually reads this. This is essentially my 3rd grade diary. The one that had teddy bears on the cover. I wish this blog had teddy bears on it.

My wish is my command.

My wish is my command.

Added bonus...BABY in bear costume!! AAAHHH!!!

Added bonus…BABY in bear costume!! AAAHHH!!!

So, but, yeaaaaah. Happy May, everyone! Maybe I’ll think of something worthwhile to write about in the upcoming days/weeks/months/years/lifetimes. Probably not. Probably just more of the same shit I’ve been spilling out for decades. Since I was born. I’ve just been spewing shit for y’all to take. And y’all is takin it like champs. Dream until your dreams come true.

i need to get my frank sinatra playlist in order

15 Apr

As much as I like to think of myself as a realist, I think I have to accept that my thoughts lean toward those of a pessimist point of view. The proverbial cup tends to be neither half full nor half empty, but instead, almost entirely empty. I like to pretend that I think this way because it’s the most realistic approach, but really, I think I’m trying to fool myself into thinking I’m less a miserable human being than I really am.

But despite my affinity for thinking the worst, I have some impending new life changes on the horizon that I am actually actively making myself think positively about, lest I have a panic attack every twenty minutes every single day. I am planning to move in June to New York with my good friend Lauren (check out her blog, suckers. She’s on this site, too. There’s a chance she’s the only person reading this entry. There’s also a chance she’s not reading it at all. Let’s hope for the best) to get the hell out of Massachusetts and try something new to further our lives. They’re pretty bleak in Watertown. If I stay here too much longer I might explode. I actually assume my body is going to explode at some point, but it would be so much more eventful if it happened in the big city (da big apple lolzzzz).

I want to take this time to make a special shout out to my palz Steph and Liz; Steph who was my roommate soulmate when we were paired together in London and Lauren and I will also be living with once we move, and Liz, who was one of my roommates in Amherst last year but is now in New York, and I cannot wait to live in the same vicinity as again. Both of them make the thought of the move even more exciting. Moving with Lauren does, too, I guess. Lololololzzzzz #BadassBitch #LuvMyGrlz

Now to be serious and genuine on this blog for once in my life. I’m looking to get into television production. Ideally at some point I would love to write for television, but for the time being, I’d be more than happy working my way through the business and would be ecstatic just to be a part of it. My biggest passion is probably television and I don’t care how sad that makes me sound, it’s what field I want to be involved in because I feel like it’s what I am destined to be a part of eventually. I’m twenty-two, this is the best time for me to go. I’m young enough where even if I totally fuck up, I have time to figure my life out. I like having that option. It’s scary, but also amazing.

I am also at the point in my life where I need a change of environment. Living at home is not a problem because my parents are overbearing or anything, I really get a lot of freedom here. It’s the fact that I’m twenty-two and I lived away for four years and am not used to being here anymore. I shouldn’t be in Watertown. Aside from family and (roughly four) friends, there is nothing here for me. It’s time for me to leave the Boston area and go somewhere new that has more opportunity for me. I’m really looking forward to the change and I really think I need it for my mental stability and wellbeing. I don’t know if you all (all zero of you) have sensed it, but I’m more on the crazy side than the sane side, and I’m hoping to maybe even that out a bit more if I’m somewhere else.

Also, my favorite place that I have ever lived is London. I never thought I would see myself as someone who would love to live in a city, but ever since I came back from there, I’ve missed being in a big city so much. Sure, Boston is a city, but it’s too small for me. I need somewhere bigger, with tons of boroughs to explore. I don’t need a square I can walk from destination to destination in. The second I got to Piccadilly Square in London, I immediately thought of Times Square. The more I went around London and then later went around New York, the two reminded me of one another. I think that New York will be a great London substitute since I can’t make my way back there (as of now, it would be amazing if I could eventually live there again, but who knows what’s gonna happen in life? I ain’t a psychic or nothin’), I might as well be as close as I can be here in the states. I think that’s something I need.

So, because of my excitement over the idea of being somewhere new, I need to keep my thoughts positive. I know how difficult it can be to survive in the city. But, I can’t focus on that. Sometimes, when I’m trying to fall asleep at night, I can’t stop thinking about money and moving and costs and jobs and everything that a person is supposed to worry about when going through a transition like this. And whenever I do, I feel entirely anxious, I want to cry and I cannot shake the feeling. I’ve learned that thinking positively really does make a difference, despite how much I hate optimists (sorry about how horrible that sounds, but I just think they’re so unrealistic and I don’t like inspirational quotes. They have no place in my life), I know I need to remain optimistic about the move to New York or I will absolutely lose my mind and not be able to function for probably a solid week. And that would get me nowhere. Because all that’s keeping me here now is the fact that I’m making money for my move and I can’t do that if I’m not functioning. I need to be at least partially functioning in order to get some dolla billz. I never thought I’d be someone to keep her head up so much, but hey, I guess that’s just what’s going on now. Hopefully I can someday soon return to the self-deprecating, self-loathing, mentally unstable pessimist we all know and have come to ignore. But for now, I guess I’ll keep thinking positively and listen to “Baby Don’t Cry”, both parts I and II, by Tupac to get me through life.

I suggest you all listen to Tupac regardless of your life situation. 1 luv.

Oh, also, I’m going to Governor’s Ball and I am pumped as fuck about that. Our move to New York coincides with the weekend of Governor’s Ball (for the most part), so that just makes me doubly as excited to get to June and be in New York. Good things on the horizon, people. Good things.

Again, listen to Tupac. He speaks some powerful words.