Tag Archives: 90s

if you’re tired you take a napa, you don’t MOVE to napa

14 May

I don’t care what decade we’re in or how many years it’s been off the air, I will always find “Sex and the City” to be relevant to our culture. Every day, new women (and men, I won’t leave you kids out) are discovering the show, relating to the storylines, and realizing that they are one of four women: a Carrie, a Charlotte, a Samantha, or a Miranda. Personally, I am a Miranda. I am cynical as fuck, we kind of treat men similarly, and we’re very sarcastic (you guys probably couldn’t pick up on that). I feel like most people have a mix of all of the women in them (despite how much you don’t want to be a Charlotte or a Carrie. Really, it’s how much I don’t want to be a Charlotte or a Carrie. Emphasis on Carrie), but there’s one whose storylines and dialogue really resonates with how you see yourself and you assume others see you.

Judging based on outfits alone, I'm definitely a Miranda. But I long to be a Carrie.

Judging based on outfits alone, I’m definitely a Miranda. But I long to be a Carrie.

It hasn’t happened in real life (yet), but on my OkCupid I make it a point to say that I’m a feminist because I wear that title PROUD, but then I list “Sex and the City” under my favorite shows, and I get called out. There will be a never-ending argument about if the show goes against feminism or if it’s helping out the cause. My stance on the show is that it is about four, strong female leads, two of which are independent (you can guess which two I find to be more independent), have firm careers, and are sexually liberated. However, I know that the show relies mostly on the relationship aspect, as it is called “SEX” and the city. Also, the women can come off as rather pathetic at times when dealing with the men in their lives and a lot of the times, the show makes it seem that having a relationship is the end-all in life. I think it walks a fine line of telling you to love yourself and love your friends, but more often than not, Carrie and Charlotte are complaining that they’re lonely and need to be in relationships. I guess that’s the point of the show though, as many women feel the same way and allow relationships to define their lives, so these characters are more relatable to them. However, in an ideal feminist sitcom, the women would have relationships, but it wouldn’t be the death of them if the relationships didn’t work out because we shouldn’t rely on a man to make us happy. That’s probably the most stereotypical feminist thing I can think to say. Regardless of anyone’s take on it, I just love the stupid show, despite wanting to punch Carrie in the face the majority of the time she’s on the screen.

Because 86 pearl necklaces at once simply aren't enough.

Because 86 pearl necklaces at once simply aren’t enough.

Yes, this post is about Carrie. Not just Carrie really, because I’d probably hang myself from my ceiling fan with my finest Chanel scarf (see what I did there? I don’t own a Chanel scarf, I’m trying to write like Carrie), but more about the age old debate that fans will always be on separate sides of the fence about: Big or Aidan. Yes. That’s what this is about. The show went off the year a decade ago, but I’m going to weigh in now, in 2013, with my thoughts about Carrie’s two biggest loves. And I will insult her other boyfriends along the way, don’t worry.

So. There’s lots to say here. Let’s make fun of her other boyfriends first. I’d say Carrie’s big four boyfriends are Big, Aidan, Berger, and the Russian, who absolutely does not deserve to be referred to by a real name because he is horrible in every sense of the word. I say that these are her big four because she dated each of them for more than two episodes and she also said “I love you” to all of them. So, let’s do this. The Russian, as I said, is horrible. He’s pretentious, has a very odd sense of humor, and Carrie is just extremely annoying with him. I think a lot of why I hate the Russian is because I hate how Carrie acts with the him. He’s naturally a romantic and Carrie can’t handle it because she’s a fucking idiot. Like she faints because he wants to dance with her to a string orchestra. Like excuse me? No. That’s a BIT dramatic, you moron. Also, he takes her to Paris, she went by choice not by force, and she is miserable the whole time. I get that she’s away from her friends and he is distracted because he has a big art show coming up, but Carrie, you’re in fucking Paris. I’ve been to Paris before, it’s amazing. NEVER complain if you’re in Paris. Also, you knew he’d be busy, HE MOVED THERE BECAUSE HE HAS AN ART SHOW. Guy’s gotta work, not everyone needs to be at your whim 24/7.

Hottest picture I could find.

Hottest picture I could find.

Right, then there’s Berger. I’m someone who originally loved Berger, I thought he had great potential. He was funny, a writer, cute. THE TOTAL PACKAGE, AMIRITE LADIEZ? Anyway, he goes completely insane when he’s dropped by his publisher and then takes it out on Carrie. Carrie does do this annoying thing where she points out a character in his book shouldn’t be wearing a scrunchie. While I’m actually not annoyed at Carrie for doing that, really (she is, after all, a writer and she was giving him her opinion after a rave review of the book), I’m more annoyed at Carrie because I fucking despise when I’ve already done something and people tell me I should have done something differently. Like, sorry, excuse me, can I go back in time and fix that? No? Fuck you then. But yeah, Berger goes bat shit and breaks up with Carrie on a post-it note and that’s one of the best storylines on television ever, it’s actually almost perfect to me. Carrie deserves that.

Berger is unfortunately the reason why "He's Just Not That Into You" was created. And that's unforgivable.

Berger is unfortunately the reason why “He’s Just Not That Into You” was created. And that’s unforgivable.

So now the big two. Here we go. It seems so clear cut, really. Big is a complete asshole who fucked with Carrie for multiple years and was reluctant to ever commit to her, while Aidan is (inexplicably) in love with Carrie, wants to marry her, and is a total cutie (season four, never season three. That hair is inexcusable).  Therefore, most people think Aidan is the better choice for Carrie and are angry that she ends up with Big. I agree with half of that, Aidan is a much better man. But that’s not the point here. While Aidan is a better person, he is not, in the end, the man that Carrie wanted to be with. Carrie seemed to get off on her twisted relationship with Big. She wouldn’t have gone back to him so many times if she didn’t. There was something there, the chase, perhaps, that brought her back time and again. That was never really the case with Aidan, and Carrie never seemed to ever be content while she was with him.

Like seriously, that hair?

Like seriously, that hair?

For example, when Carrie and Aidan first date in season three, she has extreme issues with meeting his parents, becoming serious with him, quitting smoking for him, etc. There is an episode dedicated to the fact that she’s freaking out about their relationship because there’s nothing wrong with it. It keeps her up at night. I’d have to say there’s something wrong with you if you have a problem with not having a problem in your relationship (I was that person once, it’s no way to live). Carrie could never just accept the relationship and move on. Also, from the description I gave above, it seemed like Carrie had to do a lot of changing to be the person she thought Aidan wanted her to be, and one should never compromise oneself. Except maybe if you’re Carrie, it would probably be best for the world to get a complete personality transplant. Then, there is the biggest problem in their relationship, the fact that Carrie has an extended affair (I say extended because it lasted about three episodes) with Big, her ex, while dating Aidan. My biggest problem with the affair is that Carrie seemed to not give a shit about Aidan’s feelings in all of it. Every time she was mad at herself for what she was doing, it was because Big was married and had a wife and he was cheating on her. Never once did Carrie say, “oh right, I have a boyfriend I supposedly love”. She just wanted to keep Aidan around because she knew she could. And then once they broke up and got back together in season four, their entire relationship was problematic because Aidan (rightfully) couldn’t trust Carrie, they wanted to lead separate lives (i.e. the episode where she wants to go clubbing and Aidan would rather be a hillbilly with his dog in a pair of tighty whities), and she threw up when she found the engagement ring he bought her. Like, none of these things scream “YOU TWO SHOULD BE IN A RELATIONSHIP” to me. Once engaged, despite the fact that Carrie didn’t even seem to want to marry Aidan and that she’s an idiot, she has physical reactions to the idea of marriage and they call the whole thing off. Essentially every episode with Aidan in it while him and Carrie are dating are about the problems in their relationship. They could never just be happy and enjoying one another, something HAD to be wrong (this probably has to do with the fact that Carrie is an insane drama queen).

Not understanding that caption, but Aidan and Carrie were hillbillies. Aidan is the king of the hillbillies.

Not understanding that caption, but Aidan and Carrie were hillbillies. Aidan is the king of the hillbillies.

So now, Big. Big is an asshole, I’ve already said that. He strung Carrie along, messed with her head. We’ve all been there (maybe just me, whatever, eff you guys), and we know it’s completely unhealthy. However, we also know there is something about it that keeps you in it, despite how mentally and emotionally draining the situation is. Even after all of the shit the two of them went through after dating and after their affair, Carrie and Big decide to be friends still, they hang out, have long, late night phone calls. It’s really painfully obvious during the show they’re going to end up together, he wouldn’t have been kept around otherwise. It’s the same way I feel about Miranda and Steve, but we’re not talking about them (BECAUSE THEY’RE PERFECT. JK I just love Steve). Carrie is the kind of person who needs to have drama in her life and in her relationships. She didn’t get that FROM Aidan, so she needed to create it in her head to satisfy her sick need. However, she got more than her fill from Big, and that’s exactly what she desired. That’s my main point in all of this: Carrie wanted that messed up, dramatic relationship. As perfect as Aidan may seem on paper, he was never what Carrie wanted. In my opinion, Aidan deserved far better than Carrie, and I will not even get into discussing their fucked up storyline in the second movie (the second movie is sheer proof that some people just want to watch the world burn). It might seem crazy, but that’s just how some people are. They thrive off of dramatic situations, it’s how they feel alive, and I personally think it’s dumb (no offense to the zero people reading this, although I feel I’ve insulted everyone enough at this point that you should take no stock in what I say).

Her hair is so big because it's full of secrets. But also, you look like a fucking moron.

Her hair is so big because it’s full of secrets. But also, you look like a fucking moron.

To sum up, yet again, my thoughts lay in this: Aidan was the better man, but Big was the better man for Carrie. That’s who she was ultimately supposed to end up with, because that is the kind of man she was looking for, despite how emotionally sick he made her feel. That’s just Carrie’s character, and we were unfortunately fed that character and her depressing fashion choices for six seasons. I try to enjoy the show despite Carrie, that’s really how I get through it. But yes, these are my thoughts on this really relevant subject, and I hope everyone (no one) feels free to agree or disagree.

This pretty accurately sums up my hatred for Carrie...

This pretty accurately sums up my hatred for Carrie…

Also, I feel this isn’t brought up enough, but Aidan was corny as fuck. I mean, Carrie is too, her weekly column is effing ridiculous (as is her lifestyle that her weekly column SOMEHOW supports, I won’t even get into that bullshit, I’m still mad about it), some of the shit she spews out is down-right stomach-churning for how corny it is, but Aidan was corny in a different way. He seemed more genuinely corny because he actually said a lot of really cliché statements aloud, to Carrie, in public. They all embarrassed me. So like maybe in that way they made sense together, but ultimately, their mutual affection for corniness wasn’t enough to make their relationship work. Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes, it hurts instead.

Generally, it hurts instead. Stay strong, turtle doves.

This is my vision of true love <3

This is my vision of true love ❤

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friends forever, but ditch the dweeb

21 Mar

I was recently looking at a list of characters on tv shows that “we all secretly wished would get together” (I can’t find the link for it, so I apologize to the zero people reading this, and you can feel free to sue me). While I agreed with many of the selections, one pairing stood out to me that made me sick. That pairing was Screech Powers and Lisa Turtle from “Saved by the Bell”. Seeing this pair put on that list made me sad and also allowed me to lose what little bit of faith I had in this world.

Lisa hates EVERYTHING about the idea of her and Screech as a couple. EVERYTHING.

Lisa hates EVERYTHING about the idea of her and Screech as a couple. EVERYTHING.

I think one of my least favorite characters to ever be created is Screech from “Saved By the Bell”. I just find that he never adds anything but annoyance to a situation, and his character is perpetually stupid and unbelievable. Obviously, “Saved By the Bell” wasn’t wasting any time trying to be realistic, but I don’t care. No one would ever hang out with Screech, and DEFINITELY not the crew on the show. Those kids were cool, they were athletes and models and had a band. Those kids would never in a million years give Screech the time a day. And even if they did at the beginning because Screech was friends with Zack when he was younger, they would very quickly grow out of being his friend and start ignoring his annoying ass. They probably spent more time being pissed off at Screech about some stupid shit he did than they spent actually enjoying his company. What was there to enjoy? He sounded and looked stupid and always found a way to mess literally everything up (don’t care if I’m using “literally” in a hyperbolic sense here, it’s almost a true statement).

Oh my god I want to cause him bodily harm.

Oh my god I want to cause him bodily harm.

What demon created you?

What demon created you?

Seriously, he does not belong with this group of hotties. That random old guy makes more sense hanging out with them than Screech does.

Seriously, he does not belong with this group of hotties. That random old guy makes more sense hanging out with them than Screech does.

Now, let’s talk about Lisa Turtle. Lisa was entirely underappreciated on the show. She was on a list of annoying characters on some website I was looking at (can’t find that link either, you can all suck it), and I don’t understand how she made the list but Screech didn’t. Lisa was a fashionista, she was cute, and she always had all the hot gossip. However, this girl did not get her dues. She was always paired off with Screech, despite her disdain for him. She always got the shaft, while Kelly and Jessie were off hooking up with Zack and Slater. I don’t understand why. Obviously, Kelly was a babe and Jessie had that glamazon thing going on despite her horrible wardrobe, but Lisa was a total package and none of these guys ever realized it. I just felt bad for her.

Girl knows how to look GOOD.

Girl knows how to look GOOD.

I guess Jessie needed more attention from guys because she had that crippling caffeine pill addiction that one time.

I guess Jessie needed more attention from guys because she had that crippling caffeine pill addiction that one time.

There was one episode in like the last season where Lisa and Zack make out, but that romance fades before it even begins, and it’s just unfair. The two of them totally should have gotten together for real. She deserved it. Zack was a fox and she was a high-class woman. Lisa Turtle didn’t need to be thrown to the side at every turn and be stuck going as Screech’s date to the movies or to the dance. You can tell that Lisa more than anyone didn’t even want to be Screech’s friend, and I think she should have gotten her way and just stopped hanging out with him. It was almost forceful the way she had to hang out with him, she didn’t even pretend to enjoy his company. And I love that about Lisa. A girl after my own heart.

The good ol' day. Singular. One day.

The good ol’ day. Singular. One day.

More than I love Lisa Turtle, I just really hate Screech. I don’t watch the show as often as I once did (I was watching for two hours every day like two months ago), but I will never lose my hatred for Screech. He was probably genuinely funny one time on the entirety of the show. There was an episode of “Saved By the Bell: The College Years” (I’ve seen every episode multiple times for some reason), in which he steals a girl away from Zack. Excuse me? We’re supposed to believe that would happen? Not only is Zack foxy as shit AND a smooth motherfucker, but Screech is awkward and consistently obnoxious. WHO WOULD WANT THAT IN THEIR LIFE?  Not me, that’s for damn sure. There was an episode of the original show where Kelly thought she had feelings for Screech, and that really just embarrassed me more than anything. Poor girl, all mixed up. So embarrassing. Thankfully she came to her right mind and obviously ends up with Zack, but that was a really terrifying lapse in judgment for that one episode. There’s almost no coming back from that.

I don't think it's even possible to compare these two, they're essentially different species.

I don’t think it’s even possible to compare these two, they’re essentially different species.

Ultimately, Lisa should have gotten shown more respect by the writers and by her friends and Screech should have been kept at a far distance from her (and everyone, really) at all times. Preferably underground. What I’m saying is Screech should have been killed off. That would have solved everyone’s problem. Or mostly mine, but really, I’m selfish and I should get what I want, no questions asked. I really don’t think the show would have changed in any possible way if Screech was no longer there, except maybe we’d have less episodes with entirely asinine storylines devoted to him. The world would really be a better place today if that could have just happened.

A little bit tighter there, Zack...

A little bit tighter there, Zack…

why did i go to college? pt 2: i’m thinking about asking umass amherst for a refund because they didn’t teach me any of this shit

23 Jan

Pre-cursor: The first paragraph of this post isn’t going to make a lot of sense because Brian’s website had a completely different set-up. My main page had an info box that I said I went to UMass in, and my twitter feed was posted below it. So, that should really get you all caught up on everything that is happening in the first few sentences of this post. Peace.

So as I’ve previously stated, I recently graduated from college. By “previously stated”, I mean that I wrote it in that little info box on the side of the screen, above my awesome twitter feed (@alainpennylaine. follow me, I’m hilarious). After watching so many “very special” clips, I question my entire education. All of the money and time I spent at school drinking and ignoring my work could have been so much better spent watching 80’s and 90’s television. That’s essentially what I’ve learned from this experience. I would be so much more street-wise and worldly had I just watched continuous television, specifically that focusing on intense 80’s era issues.

Now, I will conclude my two-part investigation into the television world of years past; the lessons taught, the lessons learned, the lessons coming out all confusing and leaving the audience with no idea of how they are supposed to take in what they just watched. I personally like the fact that I have no frame of reference for half of the clips I watched. I think that a true test of how effective a “very special episode” is depends all on knowing nothing about context and then trying to decipher the message for myself. So, here I go again, down that road of “very special” clips.

Side note, as I said in the last post, since a lot of these clips overlap with ones from the last documentation I presented, I’m just going to comment on those that I did not talk about before. Unless a previous one really confuses me still or confuses me more. Then I really can’t not comment on it. I can’t not state my confusion. Being confused about life and what is in front of me is one of the three states of being I can accurately project, along with being bitter and being angry. I’m also really good at being judgmental and condescending. I’m a fun person to hang out with in your spare time.

– Saved By The Bell “Peer Pressure”: So, this is the episode that the Public Service Announcement from the last clip compilation came from. Kelly’s lucky that she was already totally popular, so not smoking a doobie with a pop star didn’t ruin her reputation. Why these “Saved By the Bell” kids were so popular is really beyond me. I was always taught to give into peer pressure and drink and smoke at all times to be cool. At least she wasn’t taking caffeine pills. The only way anyone on that show could be more embarrassing is if they took caffeine pills. Way to go, Jessie Spano. Except Lisa Turtle is cool. Girl only cared about shopping and openly hated Screech. We would have been really good friends.

– Major Dad “Child Abuse”: I have absolutely no idea what the hell “Major Dad” is about, but I can assure that I am in no way interested in finding out. Next.

– Small Wonder “Cigarettes”: Okay, for a show that was about a cyborg girl or something, that clip should have been a LOT cooler. First of all, the girl wasn’t even in the clip. She’s the only reason I’d watch that show and she wasn’t even present for the clip. Second of all, who are these children and where is the cyborg? Oh, I’m sorry, did I just present the same point twice? I don’t care, the show has a robot on it and for some reason they weren’t chronicling every single moment of the robot’s life. They should have had a scene of her smoking cigarettes. That would have been something else.

– Valerie’s Family “Virginity”: Damn, look at young Jason Bateman there. So much hair. What a little cutie. He’s trying to tell me he’s a virgin in this scene? I doubt that. The kid was on “Silver Spoons”. Him and Ricky Schroeder must have been surrounded by eligible bachelorettes when they were like ten. Maybe it’s because he’s wearing that white turtleneck in this clip. That’s never a good choice, Jason. That alone screams “virgin”. Again, I have a problem of separating characters from their actors. And I don’t care.

– Charles in Charge “Fugitives”: I really have no idea what’s happening here. Talk about no frame of reference, huh? Can you let me know what the consequences are? Or why there are consequences? Or why Scott Baio recently had a television show? All valid questions. If he’s not Chachi, I simply don’t care what he’s doing.

– That’s So Raven “Shoplifting”: There is literally nothing in this scene to analyze. It’s just a boy very visibly putting something into his pants. How he didn’t get caught is beyond me, that kid sucks at stealing. Absolutely no form.

– Punky Brewster “Cocaine”: What the fuck? Seriously? How old are these girls? Where did they get any of these drugs let alone all of them? They seriously look twelve or younger. Maybe I was just raised in an extremely sheltered environment or maybe I was just missing out because I didn’t chill in an extremely sweet treehouse like these chicks, but there’s something incredibly off about this scene that I absolutely cannot relate to. Or perhaps I relate to it too well and that’s why I’m trying to play it off as being too unrealistic. You be the judge. (Answer: it really in no way relates to my life. I’m just jealous because I want that treehouse). Also, thanks for saying all the street terms for the drugs, blonde girl.  Also, thanks for having braces and doing coke. You’re really a role model.

– Saved By the Bell “Homelessness”: Okay, this is seriously one of my favorite episodes of “Saved by the Bell” ever. It’s up there with the caffeine pills. The best part about this homelessness storyline is that Zack’s family takes in that homeless girl and her dad who shaves in the bathroom at the mall, and they’re told that they can stay as long as they need to, until the father who shaves in the bathroom at the mall can get a job. Then they’re never seen again. Never seen again, never heard from again, never spoken of again. That’s a tad concerning. I guess Zack’s Aryan family couldn’t handle it and had to kick them out. Also, I really think Zack and that blonde girl, Laura, boned on the reg. No way they couldn’t not have. They were living under the same roof and Zack is a stud. I’m not judging her for that. I think we’d all do the same.

– Mr. Belvedere “Predators”: If I had to choose any episode of “Mr. Belvedere” to watch after the one about Danny having AIDS, it would probably be this one. No one seems nearly concerned enough that this kid was pretty much molested. And that doesn’t sit well with me. Where’s Danny when you need him?

– The Facts of Life “Cerebral Palsy”: Yeah, I’m not going to comment on this one. That’s a little much.

– The Partridge Family “Runaways”: Uh, okay. Should I care about this clip? Who’s this girl? I assume a runaway, but like, who cares? She’s not one of the Partridges and I assume she’ll be gone after this episode, so I am going to invest no time or energy on her. Where’s Danny Bonaduce? That’s really my main concern. I’m afraid he’s off punching transvestite prostitutes again.

– What’s Happening!! “Bootlegging”: God DAMN Rerun!!! You can’t tape record a concert, ESPECIALLY not a Doobie Brother’s concert!! If Rerun wasn’t such a sick dresser, I’d be angrier with him. But you can’t stay mad at that red beret for too long. Especially if he starts dancing. They really should have just put in a clip of him dancing. That’s where the magic is. Look it up. I not only suggest, I insist. Also, I feel like the Doobie Brothers wouldn’t give too much of a shit about having their show tape-recorded. As long as they had their doobies waiting for them, I think they’re all set 😉 😉 😉 :p Get it? Doobies.

– Moesha “Birth Control”: Uh, no girl with that haircut, the pill and the condom will not make you overdose, take a health class. Thanks.

– The Golden Girls “Gambling”: Gambling may be one of the worst subjects for a “very special episode” out there. It’s seriously such a cop out and I am just so not interested in it. I don’t even care to comment further because it’s such a stupid storyline to me. Maybe throw some gambling in between a story about an unwed teenage mother with a learning disorder and an interracial couple who just started doing crystal meth in a small town, and then I’d sing a different tune.

– Step By Step “Dyslexia”: I guess I’m glad to see that the family on “Step By Step” handles the subject of dyslexia a little bit differently than the Huxtables. Don’t get me wrong, jumping up and cheering seems like a completely normal response, but I think people would expect to hear the special soft music come on when sharing information like that. Also, who exactly has dyslexia? I used to watch “Step By Step” and I’m pretty sure it’s not that little glasses kid. Too bad the clip cut off, huh?

– Good Times “VD”: I hate Jay Leno. Thinking about him having any sort of sexually transmitted disease makes me want to cry. In fact, thinking about him having sex in order to get the disease makes me even more upset and disgusted. I don’t know if I can carry on now with those mental images in my mind. At least JJ has that sweet bucket hat on. Funny story, Brian and I have a cousin who calls herself JJ and used to wear bucket hats. My point is that I’m trying to get the image of Jay Leno having sex out of my head and it’s not working. I think I need to try to move on.

– Family Ties “Pills”: I wasn’t aware that people just always referred to pills as “amphetamines”, but okay, dad from “Family Ties”.

– Welcome Back, Kotter “Pills!”: Right, more pills. Clearly an epidemic. Or clearly the most vague category to create a “very special episode” about. Smooth move, television.

– Mr. Belvedere “Pills!!”: I know I talked about this episode in the last post, but really? Pills again? All right, that’s enough.

– Diff’rent Strokes “Kidnapping”: I’ve seen other clips of this episode. This is from that time on “Diff’rent Strokes” when they got rid of some characters and it was really apparent to the audience that there was something seriously wrong with Gary Coleman and he was not in fact “adorable” as time went on, so they threw on some ugly ginger kid and decided to get him kidnapped. No big loss to me, Mr. Drummond. I would have just let the kid figure it out. That’s just my opinion. Also, how unrealistic is this? A ginger kid getting kidnapped? Aren’t people trying to get rid of gingers, not take them in? (I joke, I have nothing against gingers, I just couldn’t not make a ginger joke. That kid, Sam, sucked).

– iCarly “Honoring Military Families”: Boring, this is from like last year, that’s not of interest to me, bring me back clips from the 80’s and 90’s.

– Webster “Fire Safety”: How old do we all think Emmanuel Lewis is here? He has the same thing as Gary Coleman, in that he looked like a child far beyond the age that he actually was a child. At least he was actually cute. And Webster is such an adorable name. Poor little guy, getting caught in a fire. That sentence might seem creepy if he was in his 40’s when this episode was shot.

– A Different World “Adoption”: The episode of “Boy Meets World” when Eric contemplates adopting a kid for some reason unknown to me and everyone else is way better. Try harder next time, “A Different World”.

– Smart Guy “Online Predators”: I was hoping this clip would make the list. “Smart Guy” is such a good show. And this episode was really confusing. I saw this when I was younger and since “Smart Guy” was on the Disney channel and I was a naïve young girl, I had no idea what was happening or why. I just wanted to watch TJ Henderson make fun of people because he was infinitely smarter than them and only like ten or some shit. I didn’t want to see some guy try to take pictures of him in his basement.

– Hannah Montana “Diabetes”: This is really fucking stupid. Recent “very special episodes” of TV shows suck. Stop trying.

– Maude “Abortion”: You go “Maude”! You deal with abortion and show no shame. My only confusion about this scenario is that Maude seems like she’d be well into menopause, so I don’t think it was physically possible for her to get pregnant. But whatever, what do I know? I’m not a doctor.

– Punky Brewster “Illiteracy”: Shit, the kids on “Punky Brewster” have it rough. I’m pretty sure Punky and all of her friends are orphans. That blonde chick was pushing drugs on everyone. That girl was sleeping or dead in the fridge in that clip from the last post. I still have no idea what the answer to that is. No one in that town can catch a break.

– The Fresh Prince “Guns”: It’s no Carlton on speed, but Carlton with a gun is pretty good, too. But I’m a little concerned that he was carrying that into a hospital room. I’ve never seen this episode, so I can only assume he went in to shoot Will because he’d never have his sense of fashion. And that’s really not the way to go, Carlton.

– Silver Spoons “Bullies”: AWWW poor baby Ricky Schroeder with a black eye. Why do bullies always want milk money? Why do kids always seem to have milk money on television shows? I’m pretty sure not everyone buys milk at school. Sucks for the kid who didn’t bring his milk money that day, I guess. I doubt Ricky didn’t bring any though because I’m pretty sure the entire premise of the show is that Ricky is rich or some shit like that. I think his dad was a toy maker. There’s no way in hell Ricky wouldn’t have his milk money. Unless he came to school with a golden goblet encrusted with jewels and filled with milk. In that case, bad day to bring your goblet, huh Ricky?

– Too Close for Comfort “Rape”: Uh, okay, I saw some clips from this episode of this show on a Cracked.com list about fucked up storylines and it was disturbing. This like, slightly mentally handicapped guy is raped by these heavyset women and everyone makes jokes about it. At one point, I’m pretty sure the guy talking in this clip says he’d let it happen again. So that’s just utterly disheartening and I really don’t like the fact this “Too Close for Comfort” show ever existed. I’m uncomfortable now.

– Growing Pains “Drunk Driving”: Nice, a drunk driving storyline. I’d expect to run across more of these through this extensive research, but I guess everyone in the 80’s was too busy on amphetamines to consider drinking. Also, watching this clip just makes me question where Boner, the loveable neighbor, was during all this poor decision making happened. You know a guy named Boner would never let this fly.

– Full House “Eating Disorders”: Another amazing episode. The best part is when DJ says she’ll eat her sandwich but then gives the sandwich to the dog and says she’s fat or something. And then she goes to the gym and passes out. It’s classic sitcom scenario. According to TV, people get eating disorders that involve immediate crash diets that consist of absolutely no eating and incorporating physical activity, and then fainting. Then suddenly, the disorder is gone. Just like real life, huh guys? Television. Always teaching life’s lessons properly.

– Blossom “Interracial Couples”: I just like the roughly four audience members who laughed. I don’t know if they were supposed to or not. And I feel like they didn’t know, either.

– George Lopez Show “School Violence”: I refuse to comment on anything George Lopez is involved with. Not worth my time.

– That’s So Raven “Discrimination”: God, don’t you love it how straightforward people are with their intolerance and racism? Happens on a daily basis, especially in department stores. Good work, “Raven”.

– Mr. Belvedere “AIDS”: DAANNNYYYY!!!!!! My precious angel has returned to my life, warming up my heart and bringing tears to my eyes. I kinda hate that this is the only clip available of the episode, though. I want more Danny, and I want it NOW.

– Sesame Street “Death”: Okay, so this episode was created because Mr. Hooper died in real life and “Sesame Street” saw it as a great opportunity to teach the audience about death. They were right and it is insanely depressing because Big Bird can’t grasp the concept. I don’t feel like insulting this clip, so instead I’ll point out that I just started typing “Big Beard” instead of “Big Bird”. Oh, Alaina. You’re losing it, girl.

– Happy Days “Racism”: Oh ho ho, another scene of the audience laughing at racism. They just can’t get enough of those fiery old racist ladies. So cute and endearing. What a sweetheart.

– Punky Brewster “Refrigerator Safety”: SERIOUSLY this clip. What is this? It still hasn’t been explained. Also, I need to point out that the caption for this is “refrigerator safety”. So I’m going to assume from the caption that this girl didn’t understand that fridges are for food and not for sleeping, and she has to face the consequences for her bad behavior. I really can take nothing else out of what the fuck has been placed in front of me.

– Boy Meets World “Cults”: RIP Mr. Turner (??????????)

– The Facts of Life “The KKK”: Right, so, I’m not given much to go off of here. That’s an extremely loaded clip because of what it means, but also, where do they go from there? What’s the point of saying that? Is it because Blair is friends with Tootie? I actually have no idea who the person she even mentioned is; I assume it’s a family member because Blair is kind of an asshole from the south. I mean, I guess I need to assume it’s a family member. I’m just lost. I don’t understand why that information was shared and I want someone to explain it.

– The Fresh Prince “Dead Beat Dads”: This clip makes me feel awkward. I really dislike when the show’s comic relief is given serious storylines and have to actually act. It bothers me. I feel like I’m supposed to laugh at them because that’s the point of the character, but what they’re saying is in no way funny. Also, I feel like the audience should have cheered Will after that speech, but instead there was just complete silence. That is really unsettling to me. Can we also notice how AGAIN the final clip in one of these compilations of “very special moments” is of “Fresh Prince”? They don’t do intense often, but when they do, DAMN do they hit hard. That Banks family, they just bring the drama. But seriously, I feel like this show usually gets laughs every ten to twenty seconds, so going this long without any sound other than Will screaming chills me and I’d rather it never occur.

All right. So that was that. My extremely in-depth exploratory surgery into the realm of the sitcoms of yesteryear is complete. What have we learned from all of this? The answer is everything. We’ve learned every single thing in the world that there is to learn, because television is a better teacher than I’d ever be, and better than I’ve ever had.

Now I have to spend all week thinking about something different to write for next week since I clearly killed these “very special episodes” analyses. I beat them to death. There’s no need to ever touch upon them ever again. Unless we’re talking about Danny, of course. He’s our nation’s hero. But, yeah. So that’s that. Falcon out.

why did i go to college? pt 1: everything i needed to know i learned from sitcoms

23 Jan

So, as I clearly mentioned in my last post, “very special episodes” are amazing. They were huge in the 80’s, but after some extensive YouTube research, apparently they’ve been used more recently as well (mostly by the Disney Channel), but on shows that were directed at me when I was twelve. I watched those shows when I was twelve, and I took nothing out of them. That shows you how affective the Disney Channel is at teaching me about the tough times in life.

For this post, I decided to delve further into the “very special episodes” of our television past. But, it was too hard for me to just choose one episode to focus on. Instead, I found two awesome compilations of very special episodes, each of which I will go through clip-by-clip and make fun of. Some of the clips overlap, so that makes life easier for me. Now, watch this video so you can understand what I’m talking about. This post is useless for you if you don’t watch these amazing, breath-taking clips.

Saved By the Bell “Drug PSA”: Okay, yeah, I want to point out that this was a public service announcement that they characters made at the end of the episode. For some reason unknown to me, only these six students were chosen to make special appearances in the video. I’ll never understand why these six have so much power at their school. Especially Screech. I don’t think that there has ever been a worse TV character than Screech. He’s literally the worst. And what makes me hate him more is that the audience actually laughed after he did his bit. Like, no thanks. I’d rather we ignore his existence.

Family Matters “Steve Gets Drunk”: Urkel shouldn’t have been allowed to leave the house, let alone be under the influence of anything. Also, I know I’ve seen this episode, but I don’t remember it. Was Urkel invited to this party? Did he just show and drink too much in order to try to fit in? Either way, any party that Urkel shows up to should be canceled on the spot. How does he catch onto the building? That just seems so unrealistic. As someone who is constantly drunk, I know that there is no way anyone could have this dexterity. Especially Urkel, who is a known idiot. Also, I feel like they could have used a better character to talk about binge drinking with. Like, choose literally any of the other characters and they would be more realistic and relatable. Urkel is a joke. The audience actually laughs when he says, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”. That’s terrible. HE’S ABOUT TO FALL AND DIE. Not a time to be laughing at his dated joke, studio audience.

Full House “Stephanie and Cigarettes”: I love “Full House”. It’s pretty embarrassing. This is a pretty great episode, but only because Stephanie embarrasses the shit out of herself. She literally can’t do anything right with the popular girls. Including looking cool by even pretending to smoke. Stephanie sucks. The people who made this YouTube video should have chosen the clip where the kid in Stephanie’s class is getting abused by his father. At least Stephanie doesn’t look like an idiot in that one.

Fresh Prince “Carlton on Speed”: Damn, Carlton on speed is hysterical. The idea that students just carry speed around with them is so great. It’s such a common thing in the television universe. As much as I love to watch Carlton dancing while on speed, the person who made this should have showed the clip where he’s in the hospital and discovers that he took speed. That part is amazing because Carlton thinks he’s a drug addict based off of the one time he accidentally took speed. Accidentally. “Fresh Prince” made a “very special episode” based off of the idea that someone accidentally took a drug. We’ll move on.

Home Improvement “Brad Smokes Pot”: I can’t take this clip too seriously, or even the concept of it, because I know that Tim Allen used to be a coke dealer. Everything he does is discredited from then on. You go on and smoke weed, Brad. Go on with your bad self. What’s your dad gonna do? Sell you coke? Maybe. He’s better at that than fixing shit, that’s for damn sure (side note: I’ve chosen here to not separate Tim Allen the man and “Tim Taylor” the character. They’re essentially one in the same).

Family Ties “Uncle Ned’s An Alcoholic”: Hey, look, it’s Tom Hanks. This clip gets a pass, Tom Hanks can do nothing wrong in my book. Next.

Degrassi “Liberty’s Pregnant”: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha the idea that someone would have sex with Liberty disturbs me to this day. I could never take this clip seriously due to how unrealistic it is based on that one fact alone. Also, spoiler alert, JT dies the next season. Way to ruin everything, Liberty.

Diff’rent Strokes “The Pedophile”: Okay, I’ve actually seen this episode in full. I’m really upset with how little they show of it in this video. It is honestly really disturbing. It’s one of those episodes where things just get worse and worse for literally every single person on the show. Like, nothing good happens. And the audience has absolutely no idea how to handle what they are seeing. Essentially, it is the quintessential “very special episode”. That’s just my opinion. And my opinion is all that matters. I suggest everyone watch the full episode. Now. At this moment.

The Cosby Show “Theo’s Dyslexic”: Uuuhhh…right, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this episode of “The Cosby Show”, but from the looks of it, I guess the Huxtables are pretty into learning disorders. So that’s kinda weird.

Punky Brewster “The Refrigerator”: What the fuck? Is that girl dead? “Punky Brewster” really did an amazing job at singlehandedly portraying the homelessness epidemic in our country. Unless that girl is dead. Then I’m just deeply disturbed. Why is she there?

Captain Planet “High on Bliss”: Yeah, not 100% sure what “bliss” is, but this kid seems to be pretty into it. And who are we to tell him to not do what makes him happy?

Boy Meets World “Shawn Joins a Cult”: What a weird concept to do an episode on. Like, was joining a cult so prevalent in the 90’s that we had to have a full episode addressing it? I’m pretty sure Jonestown was in the 70’s, so I’m at a loss (I just googled it and I was right, Jonestown was in the 70’s). Also, this episode marked the last appearance of Mr. Turner, the third most beloved teacher at John Adams High (I count Eli as the second most beloved. He was just so cool). Show some respect to the apparent death of Mr. Turner.

Dinosaurs “Robbie Does Steroids”: All right, I don’t understand what Disney was trying to do. You can’t use a show that is centered on the idea that a family of dinosaurs walks and talks like humans and live in a developed society to push ANY political or moral matters. What were you thinking Disney? Robbie can do as many steroids as he wants; he’s a fucking dinosaur.

Mr. Belvedere “Amphetamines”: Unless Danny is on the TV talking about having AIDS but other than that being pretty good, I don’t care about “Mr. Belvedere”.

Home Improvement “Randy Might Have Cancer”: When the fuck was there an episode where Randy might have cancer? How did I miss that? This show chooses really weird topics to bum everyone out with. Also, Jonathan Taylor Thomas: still a fox.

Lizzie McGuire “Miranda’s Eating Disorder”: I remember watching this episode when it first aired (when I was 12) and being confused as to why Miranda had an eating disorder for legit one day and then passed out immediately. I’ve gone like twenty-four hours without eating before and I didn’t pass out. This is just another example of how Miranda sucks and deserved to be phased out by the end of the show. Also, “I’m outie”. She really was.

Beverly Hills, 90210 “Donna’s Abusive Boyfriend”: Yeah, so the acting in this is horrible. That’s what stands out to me the most to me. It’s really the worst when a show is trying to educate on an important issue and then the acting is painful so you ignore everything else happening.

Saved By the Bell “Hooked on Caffeine Pills”: Hands down the best episode of “Saved By the Bell” EVER. It is the most ludicrous concept ever to be shown on any television program. Jessie becomes addicted to caffeine pills. Who the fuck takes caffeine pills? Jessie, you’re such a nerd that you can’t even take real drugs? That’s just embarrassing. Also, you’re stressing out about a terrible music video that you’re making for fun with your friends. You really need to get your priorities in line. At least Screech is noticeably absent from this clip.

Fresh Prince “Racial Profiling”: Okay, so I get that this clip is discussing racial profiling. I completely get that. But what is this dialogue? I’m so confused as to what the situation that occurred earlier in the episode was that this conversation needed to happen. I agree with Carlton, a car driving at 2mph would be pretty suspicious and understandably pulled over. But, I feel like I shouldn’t be agreeing with Carlton because apparently it must have been about race? I’m just so confused. Uncle Phil’s pretty pissed off, that’s all I have to say. He’s probably more pissed off about the fact that Carlton agreed with the cops, therefore proving that something went wrong with Carlton’s DNA and he actually IS the whitest man alive. Also, what is the ending of that? Why did Carlton keep speaking after Uncle Phil left the room? Why was he sitting there still? Is that how they ended the episode? Is no one going to explain this to me? Why did whoever made this compilation of clips end the video this way? I just do not understand anything anymore.

All right, so I was going to describe another long-ass set of clips (sorry for saying “long-ass”, that was embarrassing), but this post is really long, so I’ll discuss the other compilation in the next post. There’s even more 80’s goodness, and even more confusing situations occurring that I can’t comprehend since I’m watching ten second clips. This is the good life.