Tag Archives: funny

if you’re tired you take a napa, you don’t MOVE to napa

14 May

I don’t care what decade we’re in or how many years it’s been off the air, I will always find “Sex and the City” to be relevant to our culture. Every day, new women (and men, I won’t leave you kids out) are discovering the show, relating to the storylines, and realizing that they are one of four women: a Carrie, a Charlotte, a Samantha, or a Miranda. Personally, I am a Miranda. I am cynical as fuck, we kind of treat men similarly, and we’re very sarcastic (you guys probably couldn’t pick up on that). I feel like most people have a mix of all of the women in them (despite how much you don’t want to be a Charlotte or a Carrie. Really, it’s how much I don’t want to be a Charlotte or a Carrie. Emphasis on Carrie), but there’s one whose storylines and dialogue really resonates with how you see yourself and you assume others see you.

Judging based on outfits alone, I'm definitely a Miranda. But I long to be a Carrie.

Judging based on outfits alone, I’m definitely a Miranda. But I long to be a Carrie.

It hasn’t happened in real life (yet), but on my OkCupid I make it a point to say that I’m a feminist because I wear that title PROUD, but then I list “Sex and the City” under my favorite shows, and I get called out. There will be a never-ending argument about if the show goes against feminism or if it’s helping out the cause. My stance on the show is that it is about four, strong female leads, two of which are independent (you can guess which two I find to be more independent), have firm careers, and are sexually liberated. However, I know that the show relies mostly on the relationship aspect, as it is called “SEX” and the city. Also, the women can come off as rather pathetic at times when dealing with the men in their lives and a lot of the times, the show makes it seem that having a relationship is the end-all in life. I think it walks a fine line of telling you to love yourself and love your friends, but more often than not, Carrie and Charlotte are complaining that they’re lonely and need to be in relationships. I guess that’s the point of the show though, as many women feel the same way and allow relationships to define their lives, so these characters are more relatable to them. However, in an ideal feminist sitcom, the women would have relationships, but it wouldn’t be the death of them if the relationships didn’t work out because we shouldn’t rely on a man to make us happy. That’s probably the most stereotypical feminist thing I can think to say. Regardless of anyone’s take on it, I just love the stupid show, despite wanting to punch Carrie in the face the majority of the time she’s on the screen.

Because 86 pearl necklaces at once simply aren't enough.

Because 86 pearl necklaces at once simply aren’t enough.

Yes, this post is about Carrie. Not just Carrie really, because I’d probably hang myself from my ceiling fan with my finest Chanel scarf (see what I did there? I don’t own a Chanel scarf, I’m trying to write like Carrie), but more about the age old debate that fans will always be on separate sides of the fence about: Big or Aidan. Yes. That’s what this is about. The show went off the year a decade ago, but I’m going to weigh in now, in 2013, with my thoughts about Carrie’s two biggest loves. And I will insult her other boyfriends along the way, don’t worry.

So. There’s lots to say here. Let’s make fun of her other boyfriends first. I’d say Carrie’s big four boyfriends are Big, Aidan, Berger, and the Russian, who absolutely does not deserve to be referred to by a real name because he is horrible in every sense of the word. I say that these are her big four because she dated each of them for more than two episodes and she also said “I love you” to all of them. So, let’s do this. The Russian, as I said, is horrible. He’s pretentious, has a very odd sense of humor, and Carrie is just extremely annoying with him. I think a lot of why I hate the Russian is because I hate how Carrie acts with the him. He’s naturally a romantic and Carrie can’t handle it because she’s a fucking idiot. Like she faints because he wants to dance with her to a string orchestra. Like excuse me? No. That’s a BIT dramatic, you moron. Also, he takes her to Paris, she went by choice not by force, and she is miserable the whole time. I get that she’s away from her friends and he is distracted because he has a big art show coming up, but Carrie, you’re in fucking Paris. I’ve been to Paris before, it’s amazing. NEVER complain if you’re in Paris. Also, you knew he’d be busy, HE MOVED THERE BECAUSE HE HAS AN ART SHOW. Guy’s gotta work, not everyone needs to be at your whim 24/7.

Hottest picture I could find.

Hottest picture I could find.

Right, then there’s Berger. I’m someone who originally loved Berger, I thought he had great potential. He was funny, a writer, cute. THE TOTAL PACKAGE, AMIRITE LADIEZ? Anyway, he goes completely insane when he’s dropped by his publisher and then takes it out on Carrie. Carrie does do this annoying thing where she points out a character in his book shouldn’t be wearing a scrunchie. While I’m actually not annoyed at Carrie for doing that, really (she is, after all, a writer and she was giving him her opinion after a rave review of the book), I’m more annoyed at Carrie because I fucking despise when I’ve already done something and people tell me I should have done something differently. Like, sorry, excuse me, can I go back in time and fix that? No? Fuck you then. But yeah, Berger goes bat shit and breaks up with Carrie on a post-it note and that’s one of the best storylines on television ever, it’s actually almost perfect to me. Carrie deserves that.

Berger is unfortunately the reason why "He's Just Not That Into You" was created. And that's unforgivable.

Berger is unfortunately the reason why “He’s Just Not That Into You” was created. And that’s unforgivable.

So now the big two. Here we go. It seems so clear cut, really. Big is a complete asshole who fucked with Carrie for multiple years and was reluctant to ever commit to her, while Aidan is (inexplicably) in love with Carrie, wants to marry her, and is a total cutie (season four, never season three. That hair is inexcusable).  Therefore, most people think Aidan is the better choice for Carrie and are angry that she ends up with Big. I agree with half of that, Aidan is a much better man. But that’s not the point here. While Aidan is a better person, he is not, in the end, the man that Carrie wanted to be with. Carrie seemed to get off on her twisted relationship with Big. She wouldn’t have gone back to him so many times if she didn’t. There was something there, the chase, perhaps, that brought her back time and again. That was never really the case with Aidan, and Carrie never seemed to ever be content while she was with him.

Like seriously, that hair?

Like seriously, that hair?

For example, when Carrie and Aidan first date in season three, she has extreme issues with meeting his parents, becoming serious with him, quitting smoking for him, etc. There is an episode dedicated to the fact that she’s freaking out about their relationship because there’s nothing wrong with it. It keeps her up at night. I’d have to say there’s something wrong with you if you have a problem with not having a problem in your relationship (I was that person once, it’s no way to live). Carrie could never just accept the relationship and move on. Also, from the description I gave above, it seemed like Carrie had to do a lot of changing to be the person she thought Aidan wanted her to be, and one should never compromise oneself. Except maybe if you’re Carrie, it would probably be best for the world to get a complete personality transplant. Then, there is the biggest problem in their relationship, the fact that Carrie has an extended affair (I say extended because it lasted about three episodes) with Big, her ex, while dating Aidan. My biggest problem with the affair is that Carrie seemed to not give a shit about Aidan’s feelings in all of it. Every time she was mad at herself for what she was doing, it was because Big was married and had a wife and he was cheating on her. Never once did Carrie say, “oh right, I have a boyfriend I supposedly love”. She just wanted to keep Aidan around because she knew she could. And then once they broke up and got back together in season four, their entire relationship was problematic because Aidan (rightfully) couldn’t trust Carrie, they wanted to lead separate lives (i.e. the episode where she wants to go clubbing and Aidan would rather be a hillbilly with his dog in a pair of tighty whities), and she threw up when she found the engagement ring he bought her. Like, none of these things scream “YOU TWO SHOULD BE IN A RELATIONSHIP” to me. Once engaged, despite the fact that Carrie didn’t even seem to want to marry Aidan and that she’s an idiot, she has physical reactions to the idea of marriage and they call the whole thing off. Essentially every episode with Aidan in it while him and Carrie are dating are about the problems in their relationship. They could never just be happy and enjoying one another, something HAD to be wrong (this probably has to do with the fact that Carrie is an insane drama queen).

Not understanding that caption, but Aidan and Carrie were hillbillies. Aidan is the king of the hillbillies.

Not understanding that caption, but Aidan and Carrie were hillbillies. Aidan is the king of the hillbillies.

So now, Big. Big is an asshole, I’ve already said that. He strung Carrie along, messed with her head. We’ve all been there (maybe just me, whatever, eff you guys), and we know it’s completely unhealthy. However, we also know there is something about it that keeps you in it, despite how mentally and emotionally draining the situation is. Even after all of the shit the two of them went through after dating and after their affair, Carrie and Big decide to be friends still, they hang out, have long, late night phone calls. It’s really painfully obvious during the show they’re going to end up together, he wouldn’t have been kept around otherwise. It’s the same way I feel about Miranda and Steve, but we’re not talking about them (BECAUSE THEY’RE PERFECT. JK I just love Steve). Carrie is the kind of person who needs to have drama in her life and in her relationships. She didn’t get that FROM Aidan, so she needed to create it in her head to satisfy her sick need. However, she got more than her fill from Big, and that’s exactly what she desired. That’s my main point in all of this: Carrie wanted that messed up, dramatic relationship. As perfect as Aidan may seem on paper, he was never what Carrie wanted. In my opinion, Aidan deserved far better than Carrie, and I will not even get into discussing their fucked up storyline in the second movie (the second movie is sheer proof that some people just want to watch the world burn). It might seem crazy, but that’s just how some people are. They thrive off of dramatic situations, it’s how they feel alive, and I personally think it’s dumb (no offense to the zero people reading this, although I feel I’ve insulted everyone enough at this point that you should take no stock in what I say).

Her hair is so big because it's full of secrets. But also, you look like a fucking moron.

Her hair is so big because it’s full of secrets. But also, you look like a fucking moron.

To sum up, yet again, my thoughts lay in this: Aidan was the better man, but Big was the better man for Carrie. That’s who she was ultimately supposed to end up with, because that is the kind of man she was looking for, despite how emotionally sick he made her feel. That’s just Carrie’s character, and we were unfortunately fed that character and her depressing fashion choices for six seasons. I try to enjoy the show despite Carrie, that’s really how I get through it. But yes, these are my thoughts on this really relevant subject, and I hope everyone (no one) feels free to agree or disagree.

This pretty accurately sums up my hatred for Carrie...

This pretty accurately sums up my hatred for Carrie…

Also, I feel this isn’t brought up enough, but Aidan was corny as fuck. I mean, Carrie is too, her weekly column is effing ridiculous (as is her lifestyle that her weekly column SOMEHOW supports, I won’t even get into that bullshit, I’m still mad about it), some of the shit she spews out is down-right stomach-churning for how corny it is, but Aidan was corny in a different way. He seemed more genuinely corny because he actually said a lot of really cliché statements aloud, to Carrie, in public. They all embarrassed me. So like maybe in that way they made sense together, but ultimately, their mutual affection for corniness wasn’t enough to make their relationship work. Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes, it hurts instead.

Generally, it hurts instead. Stay strong, turtle doves.

This is my vision of true love <3

This is my vision of true love ❤

in defense of ross geller: a very special episode

19 Apr

I recently read an article on Buzzfeed entitled “35 Reasons Why Ross Geller is the Worst”. Now, as an avid “Friends” viewer (I could probably quote episodes in full to you, possibly verbatim, and I’m not ashamed of that. NO TEA NO SHADE, HUNTIES), I have had my fair share of struggle with Ross Geller throughout the years. Anyone who watches the show probably has. But, what I think happened with the person who wrote this article is that they were dwelling too much on the Ross of yesteryear (aka Ross seasons 1-4), as opposed to the incredible Ross of the later seasons. I have to assume that this is what they were doing, otherwise I’m afraid I might crumble and fall to pieces. I love Ross Geller.

Gross. Season 1 Ross. Just looking at him is the worst.

Gross. Season 1 Ross. Just looking at him is the worst.

You see, boys and ghouls, for anyone who somehow does not know, Ross is an extremely annoying character in seasons 1-4, emphasis on seasons 1, 2, and 3. He was whiny, annoying, self-obsessed, heterosexist, and frustratingly always thinking he was right. There were episodes dealing with essentially all of these issues. Getting together with Rachel did make Ross a more likable and bearable character, but then came the episodes I hate to watch. I am talking about when Rachel meets Mark and he gets her the job at Bloomingdales. Ross’s insane jealousy of Mark is out of control. YES, technically he was correct that Mark wanted to sleep with Rachel, but that isn’t the point. The point is that he was immediately jealous of this new character and apparently didn’t have enough faith in Rachel to get over it, seemingly not knowing that Rachel would never do anything with Mark to jeopardize her relationship with Ross.

Then there’s the debate that the show twisted in later seasons, “were they or were they not on a break”. I cannot stress this enough: the original question that broke up Ross and Rachel was not if they were on a break or not. They were on a break, we all know this. The problem was that Ross slept with that copy shop girl (who, by the way, was not as hot as the male characters on the show made her out to be, sorry I’m not sorry) on the same night that him and Rachel broke up, after he had gotten mad at Rachel for being in the same room as Mark (must note, Rachel never slept with Mark. C’mon Ross), and then tried to cover his tracks so Rachel would never find out about what had happened. In my opinion, Ross is entirely in the wrong. We technically can’t consider this cheating (no one stab me for saying that, I watch “Sex and the City”, I’ve heard of their “cheating curve”), but my real problem is that Ross was not giving a shit about Rachel’s job that she loved and was trying to take seriously, because he was out of control jealous of Mark. It’s a problem that he slept with someone immediately after him and Rachel simply went on a break, before actually discussing with her if it was a break up. The show changes the issue to the ongoing joke of “we were on a break”, when really, that has nothing to do with it. We all know they were on a break, but we don’t know for a fact if Ross was in the wrong for his actions (I think he was, the break up has nothing to do with Mark, but Ross’s insane insecurity and lack of being able to get over his jealousy).

But yeah, there’s my rant about Ross seasons 1-3, really. He gets better in season 4. I assume it’s because they added the character of Emily and everyone looks good in comparison to her. She really sucked. However, it’s season 5 that I began to fall in love with Ross.

Best thing this schmuck could have ever done for himself.

Best thing this schmuck could have ever done for himself was saying the wrong name.

After him and Emily break up (“good riddance to bad rubbish”, all of America collectively thought at the same exact moment), Ross goes insane. And it is hysterical. The after-Thanksgiving sandwich that Ross’s boss eats and then Ross freaks out about, leading him to have to take a sabbatical. Ross’s “rage”. The leather pants he wears that turn into his “paste pants”. Trying to get a couch upstairs and continuously yelling “PIVOT” at Chandler and Rachel when there was clearly no room to pivot. Marrying Rachel in Vegas and then lying to her about getting an annulment. Getting divorced. Again. When he bleaches his teeth that glow in the dark because he is overly excited for an upcoming date. The dance routine he does with his sister for New Year’s that they made up when they were in high school. The Holiday armadillo, Santa’s half-Jewish friend (absolutely genius). Dating Mona (who might be worse than Emily, that’s my opinion) and forgetting about her all of the time. When he’s upset about Rachel and Joey dating (but really, we were all upset about Rachel and Joey dating, that was a dark time), and he got drunk, made an impromptu speech about love, claimed he was “FINE” and then shouted, “MY FAJITAS!”. When Chandler claims that Ross died on their alumni website and Ross decides to stage a memorial service to see who shows up. When he eats too much maple candy and wants to steal the contents of everything in his hotel room. And I will leave you with the mental image of Ross getting a tan, but only getting sprayed on his front side, so he’s completely white all down his back.

Why tease you with the mental image when I have the actual image right here? Plus, now we're all in the know about who plays the tanning salon guy. We're all the wiser for this.

Why tease you with the mental image when I have the actual image right here? Plus, now we’re all in the know about who plays the tanning salon guy. We’re all the wiser for this.

It wouldn't be right to not give you the holiday armadillo.

It wouldn’t be right to not give you the holiday armadillo.

You got yourself a pair of paste pants.

You got yourself a pair of paste pants.

Ross Geller in the 80's: Every woman's dream.

Ross Geller in the 80’s: Every woman’s dream.

"Who has a black light?! It's 1999!"

“Who has a black light?! It’s 1999!”

As a final treat, here's just a really nice picture of Ross.

As a final treat, here’s just a really nice picture of Ross.

The writer of the Buzzfeed article tries to pretend these moments weren’t endearing, but really, they make Ross amazing. Most of the gifs this columnist added were from some of Ross’s best moments. The writers spent a lot of time focusing on the storylines of other characters and then giving Ross these ridiculous subplots that were automatically the main source of comedy, for me at least. If I had to choose any character to watch a show about just living his or her day-to-day life, it would be Ross. For him, a mundane task like getting the newspaper would be turned into an entertaining adventure. Whoever wrote the Buzzfeed article must have been watching a different show from me, because Ross goes from (probably everyone’s) least favorite to one of the best characters on “Friends”. The writers decided just to make him more of a joke as a character in general. He’s still whiny, but he’s whiny in a funny way, such as when he yells “MAJOR SHAMPOO EXPLOSION” after stolen toiletries explode in his luggage, and then asks God, “why do bad things happen to good people?” Ross makes a complete 180 and easily becomes one of the funniest characters.

And I really have to give kudos to David Schwimmer here, because his line delivery in all of his scenes is absolutely amazing. He knows exactly when to shout certain words, when there should be extra emphasis on different syllables, and he is damn entertaining at acting drunk. So I don’t care what you say, Buzzfeed. Ross Geller is absolutely anything BUT the worst.

The worst goes to Monica. SORRY, I’M NOT SORRY. I SAID IT. We were all thinking it. Let’s move on.

Oh and if anything, we should all be able to appreciate Ross for his hair in season 5 alone. It is out of control and it is amazing.

Such a luscious mane of crazy hair.

Such a luscious mane of crazy hair.

So, as a send-off for the end of this post, here are some YouTube videos of Ross Geller’s finest moments. I think we can all learn a lesson or six from Ross on how we can truly live, and I probably quote all of his one liners on a daily basis. Goodbye, and may the odds be ever in your favor, darling.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t actually watch any of those videos. They’re probably all the same moments overlapping, but I frankly do not care. I can’t get enough dinosaurs! Or Ross Geller (season 5 on, of course).

Ross Geller: A god amongst mortals.

Ross Geller: A god amongst mortals.

the okcupid chronicles: a saga years in the making

27 Mar

In the foolish days of my youth (2009), my friends and I decided that it would be funny to start up “OkCupid” accounts just for shits and gigs, rather than to actually meet other human beings. My first several messages are from my friends, simply saying “wutup QT can I holla atchu?”, which is really all I could ask for in a message. Now, don’t think that we were going around catfishing; our profiles were entirely our own. I used my real pictures, my name, real personal interests and such. We just wanted to see what OkCupid was all about, even if that meant just ignoring anyone who reached out to me on the site.

I really initially only kept my page active for two reasons. The first reason of why I kept it going is honestly completely vain. I kept my page active for vanity, I wanted to see who thought that I am pretty. It’s shallow, but who cares, we all like to hear that someone thinks we’re good looking, whoever says otherwise is a liar. A dirty, filthy liar. This was back in my younger days (2010) when I was going through some self-esteem issues (I’ve clearly come a long way, huh guyz?!) and I just wanted to know that there were guys out there interested in me. Sometimes you come home from a long night out at the club (that’s not me, I never go to clubs) and you haven’t scored any numbers from any hOtTiEz, so what better than to look through an abundance of poorly written and grammatically incorrect messages from strangers letting you know how beautiful and funny you are to make you feel better? It’s an instant cure for the blues. JK, that’s not actually true, if you’re fundamentally unhappy then you’re fundamentally unhappy, no amount of completely shallow comments about your appearance is going to make you feel better. But, sometimes it’s a nice reminder that at least one person thinks you’re pretty. I hope everyone (no one) who reads this blog (no one reads this blog) doesn’t hate me now for how terrible I just sounded. Just trying to relate to the masses of human beings. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m an alien/robot hybrid, so I don’t understand or have any basic human emotions, I’m just trying to fit in.

The second reason for why I keep my OkCupid alive and kickin (barely) and really the main reason why it still exists today is because I receive some REALLY interesting messages from some very…shall we say “interesting” men. Or boys. Monsters? Who even knows. All I know is that some people really have no idea how to speak to other human beings, whether it be in person or via social communication. I by no means refuse to de-activate my account because I am looking to meet anyone off of the website. Completely the opposite, actually. I am nervous and skeptical enough about the men I meet in real life, let alone the men I “meet” online. I don’t trust any one of those fuckers, and I won’t be starting to have faith that one of these men on a free dating website is the one for me anytime soon. I just assume that all of the guys who message me on OkCupid have terrible intentions (as I do with all men I meet in bars. I have trust issues, lay off me). I don’t trust the kind of people who use it seriously. I understand that I have one, but I never respond to messages and don’t send any on my own accord. So if there are others like me out there on the site, I wouldn’t be aware because they’d be like me and not messaging other people. Simple as that. I’ve heard too many online dating horror stories to trust anyone in the world, everyone is a liar and I am choosing to live under a rock with a tv playing  “RuPaul’s Drag Race” in the background to soothe me for the rest of my life.

So, some of these messages I receive…they range from funny to flattering to downright terrifying. I’ve literally been scared for my life after reading one of the messages I received. But more on that later, that’s really the show-stopper, so I feel the need to hold out on sharing its information so that you will be forced to read the rest of my thoughts. It’s like I’m playing God here. And I like it.

The messages I am going to post range from 2009 to today, and I don’t think age has made any of these men wiser. I have broken them down into six categories:

– Bad pick-up lines
– Why did you bother messaging me?
– I don’t understand what you want/what you’re doing with yourself
– What?
– No
– Old men

This is a pretty wide range of messages to receive and this post will be going on for quite some time longer. I was going to break it up into different posts, but I figure why not just post all of the messages here instead? Let’s make life fun for everyone. So here we go. This should be a fun adventure for everyone (me, this is fun for me).

*Note: all of the messages sent are in italics and my thoughts after reading them are written normally. I figure anyone who wastes their time reading this blog must be dumb enough to not realize that (Thanks for reading my blog and you’re welcome for insulting your intelligence, which I’m sure is actually average if not above average!)

– Bad pick-up lines:

do you work at subway? b/c you’re giving me a foot-long – Right. I think this speaks for itself. Great way to break the ice.

im bored and horny right now, do u wanna get fucked? – Nah, not so much, I’ll pass. Thank you though.

Baby, I’m like milk. I do a body good. – You don’t know if I’m lactose intolerant, you could be picking at my one weakness. Think before you send, fella (I’m not lactose intolerant, but when you assume something, you make an ass of you and me).

if i were drunk Jun 14, 2010 – 1:00am
id just say u can get it baby cuz u nasty fly… but since im not, hey there my names ron, and u should get back to me soon cuz if u dont its the best thing you’ll miss out on this week – Looks like I missed out on something good that week, huh guys? That threat really got to me. 

Your darn hot and sexy….Cant we talk? – “Can’t we talk?” Nope. We can’t.

Your natural beauty radiates from your profile picture 🙂 I instantly acquired a tan from your heavenly glow. – Don’t think that’s true or scientifically possible, but thank you, being tan is the greatest achievement and only in my life. So you really found the way to my heart immediately.

– Why did you bother messaging me?:

what’s up? you are MAD cute. and u seem like a TON of fun! haha. i have no idea what to say. – Then why did you send me a message?

pshaw, everyone on the okcupid likes brand new – Uh okay, thanks? That was insightful. Thanks for letting me know I’m unoriginal! Wanna fuck now?!

This thing isn’t giving me much to work with. All it’s saying is that you like The Dark Knight. I am having difficulty making conversation out of just that. But I suppose Heath Ledger’s final performance is conversation worthy. – Do you even want to send me a message? You realize it isn’t mandatory, right?

I think it’s funny that you love semicolons yet you don’t have any in your profile haha. – Maybe there was no place to fit in a semicolon since I like to think I know when they’re appropriately used and there is no grammatical context for one on this profile, fucker. Think before you speak.

hah everybody and their brother likes modest mouse, it’s a given – You and that Brand New guy should consider hanging out sometime, that wouldn’t the most annoying meeting of two minds ever.

Well all that matters is are you hot? Because just like Kanye, I am a shallow bastard. – Uhhhh…is this supposed to merit a response? I don’t think it does.

But I’m mostly just sending this because the profile completion meter bugs the fuck out of me. Y’seem reasonably cool, regardless. – Again, it is not mandatory to send out messages. I don’t care if the completion meter bugs the fuck out of you, learn to ignore it because there was no point to this and you clearly had no interest in actually messaging me. Also thanks for putting me at the level of “reasonably” cool, that’s really sweet of you, you’re winning me over.

You sound like a complete loser – Thanks, I guess. Like what? Why did you take the time out of your day to check out my profile and then tell me this? Or are you trying to be funny and cute and are saying this so I’ll message you and get defensive? No but seriously, I think you’re just calling me a loser and there’s no place for negativity on the internet.

I think feminism is like the derivative of abs(x): Not well defined. – My problem with this is that it was the whole message. Like you can’t elaborate for me?

I’m cool with equal rights, pay, and being fair, but most if not all feminists disregard inherent differences in a man and a woman which make us individual and unique, I feel currently they are the worst thing for the American Culture! – This is actually one of the only messages I’ve ever responded to on the website. I said “get the fuck away from my profile” and then blocked this guy. I don’t even care if he was purposely being a dick as a clever way to start a conversation, I have no time for fuckery like this.

hey, im chris. I feel like I am terrible at righting these messages… I never know what to say! – Then leave me alone and don’t say anything! lolol. Also, “righting”. That is all.

– I don’t understand what you want/are doing with yourself:

Im sure you get about 300 Messages a day by random guys saying “You’re so cute” and i dont wanna be one of those random 300 so im here to be completely different. Im here to tell you that i think you’re UGLY! lol haha Yes i think you’re ugly.. so ugly that i would love to talk to you some more and possible get to know you better 😉 I hope to hear back from you soon.– right, I see what you’re doing…but it’s not working. Please move along.

hey for some reason you look really familiar i can’t make it out lol? – lol? Okay? You didn’t even elaborate, how am I just supposed to know why I look familiar to you? I have no idea who you are. Also, it’s an automatic turn off when a guy says “lol” in seriousness. Everyone should know that by now, it’s not 2001.

Hey aliana you seem like you might be a fun girl. We should meet up for a few drinks. Send me your number and we’ll make plans – Right so you just get right to the point. Don’t even want to exchange a series of messages, you just want my number and to get me drunk. Also, I seem like I “might” be a fun girl. That’s what every woman wants to hear. Plus, you spelled my name wrong. That’s a real turn on right there, even though I specifically wrote something about people getting my name wrong all the time in my profile. YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT ME.

Hey, I like the profile. What’s up with the serial killers though? Are you one of those girls who sends love letters to guys on death row? – Uhhhh…no…no I’m not…is that the response you’re looking for?

I’m moving up to mass soon. How is the weather there :O – Why the fuck did you make that weird face at the end of the sentence? I’m not even calling it a question since you didn’t add a question mark. You actually didn’t even add a period so I don’t think I can even consider it a sentence. But seriously, what’s the point of that face?

Hi; I’m Kyle; Wanted to say hey and see what’s up; Message me back sometime if you would like to talk; I figured I’d add unnecessary semicolons for you haha 🙂 – Okay, buddy, if I wrote in my profile that I like semicolons (which I did because that’s a normal thing to tell potential suitors right off the bat), why would you unnecessarily add a bunch of them to a sentence? Wouldn’t you think that means I like when they’re used correctly? I also mentioned I was an English major. What are you not putting together? Why would this blatant lack of grammatical common sense be a turn on for me?

– What?:

What sorts of things do you enjoy going out and doing at night? Clubbing, bar hopping, partying, or going out and doing other random stuff in the dark? – Uh…yeah I’m gonna say not going out and doing other random stuff in the dark. That’s one of the creepiest fucking sentences ever put together, I’m nervous you’re going to murder me. I picture us meeting up at laser tag (it’s dark there, right?) and then you murdering me. This is all on you.

My names Chris, you look interesting 😉 *ting* – Why did you write *ting*? I don’t get it. Is that a thing? Does it mean anything?

So, you’re obviously a wicked sexy girl. Whats guy got to say in a message that you actually give a fuck to respond to him? Does he need to be sweet or witty? Promise to be a sugar daddy or just tell you how cute you are and say “lets chat.” – Doesn’t matter what you do, stranger, I’m never going to respond to you ever. And this isn’t the approach you should take with any female, I’m not dying to let you know anytime soon.

Hii will it be a nice idea if we meet up sometime for a coffee? – Hii I don’t know will it be? Why is this questioned phrased like this? It probably won’t be a good idea for us to meet up sometime for a coffee, but I’m not going to waste your time by telling you that.

Speaking of your profile, I was pretty surprised I didn’t see Britney Spears anywhere on it, I kind of get a Britney vibe from you in your photos. – What the fuck does this even mean? Like excuse me? I don’t understand what you’re getting at. Like I’m genuinely confused by this statement, how does my profile give off this vibe at all? What is this vibe? Who are you?

Message title: I got a million ways to get it… choose one. – Uuuhhhh…why is this the title of the message? A million ways to get what? I can’t choose a way to get it if I don’t know what “it” is. Explain further. Are you talking about my vagina? Because it seems like you might be talking about my vagina.

im Dave i just wanted to say hello , im a cop in the Berkshires im not a Perv or a Scumbag like may others on here . I really just wanted to say that you are a great young woman and dont change that – Thanks Dave, cop in the Berkshires, I’ll make sure to not change being a great young woman. I appreciate that you’re not a perv or scumbag like many others on there. Like what the hell? What a weird thing to tell someone in a message on a dating website, are you my dad or something? (I really hope you’re not my dad, that would be creepy beyond belief. Thankfully my dad’s not named Dave, so I’m pretty sure we’re all in the clear here).

Read you profile and you seem really interesting and hope to find out more. Also have 3 piercings – Why the fuck did you just arbitrarily add that you also have three piercings? Why did you write “also” before the statement as if it was adding onto another point? Why do I need to know this? Is this something that you immediately tell women when trying to get to know them? Why is this vital information? Are you under the impression that I have three piercings and that’s why you wrote “also”? I’m lost.

You have great teeth. With what frequency would you say you floss? – Average…I will give this guy credit for thinking out of the box with this compliment/conversation starter, never heard this one before.

hilarious profile. Took you…5 minutes? haha. – Is this a good or bad thing? How long is it supposed to take to put dating profiles together? Is it embarrassing if it took five minutes? Does that make it seem like I tried too hard and thought about it too much? Because I didn’t, I’m just witty as fuck and whipped that shit out on my profile. Or are you saying that my profile actually isn’t that nice and I put no effort into it? Why do I have no answers to these questions?

– No:

Damn girl you are cute. Want to write a screenplay with me? – I’d really rather not, dear.

Your a cutie, I dont think your snooty, I don’t know what to say so don’t think I’m fruity. Holla Back. – Yeah, I won’t be hollering back. This rhyme is grammatically incorrect and also insulting. Why would I think you’re “fruity” for not knowing what to say? Are you using “fruity” in the sense of gay people? That’s rude, I’m an ally, I don’t need this rap from you. Also this is just embarrassing and I will let everyone know that this kid’s profile picture looks like a ten year old.

I’d love to be friends..annnnnd talk on AIM sometime? i dont think watertown is that far away and id love to get to know the area. hope to hear from you soon alaina. byeee. p.s im a wicked dork.why are you adding so many extra letters to words? Stop that. I don’t get why that’s happening. And why are you questioning if you’d love to talk on AIM sometime on top of being friends? I don’t find you very genuine, sir. Also, thanks for alerting me of your identity as a “wicked dork”. Thank god you added the “wicked” in or I might be in the dark as to what caliber dork you are. Dodged a bullet there. 

Missed Instant Message(s) Dec 16, 2009 – 12:37am
Raintree123: Truth or dare – Nope. Seriously, just nope. Not even bothering.

I’m online your online we should talk Apr 12, 2010 – 1:07am
So I am sitting here buzzed from partying and I am bored but alone at home now you should come and take advantage of me.I’d rather not but thanks for the offer, I guess. Don’t know where you even were necessarily in relation to me, probably would have been a bit of a hike for me. And this was from 2010 so I definitely didn’t have a car to drive. I was also probably drunk. Literally nothing about this offer is appealing, I’m just making excuses at this point.

How are you? You seem like both a positive and intelligent person, so I thought I would send a quick message. – Literally the only reason why this message is posted on here is because this guy thinks I seem like a “positive person”. My profile is sarcastic, self-deprecating, and cynical as shit, where the hell on there did this person see any slight hint of positivity? I talk about the fact that I have a cash cans for profit, that can’t be taken seriously by anyone. This poor, misguided soul.

wats up. What umass skool u going to? I got to umass lowell. – Yeah I don’t think you’re going to any school with the way you’re spelling there, kid. “wats” “skool” “u”. I don’t understand how typing any of those words makes life easier than typing out the actual spelling. Also, “I got to umass Lowell”. I assume you definitely meant to write “I go to umass Lowell”, but the fact that you didn’t double-check your message and edit it for grammatical mistakes is a complete turn-off for me. You didn’t have me at “wats up”.

I usually don’t go off of match percentages and just assume and hope the higher the kinkier, lol. – Yeah not even 100% sure how this even makes sense. Unless you mean that you’re kinky as fuck and so if we have a high match, that means I must be, too. I’m not interested in that, get your mind out of the gutter and take this filth elsewhere.

You seem really fun, I just wanna date ya! You live in Watertown and that’s the only reason I’m asking but, are you Armenian? – No, I am not Armenian. Thank you for caring and knowing one fact about my poor town.

– Old men:

Wow, I think you’re very attractive…
I know you probably weren’t looking for one, but does the idea of a sugar daddy appeal to you?
Just wondering,
Robert ‘-)Unless you look like george Clooney, no, a sugar daddy does not appeal to me. My aunt marilyn had a sugar daddy once (it doesn’t make sense because I usually picture one with a sugar daddy as being young and she certainly was not) and she walked in on him cheating on her with her best friend. It was like a scene from a soap opera. I don’t need that in my life. Also, I assume you’re really creepy and gross if you’re trying to pick me up off of a free dating website. And you clearly knew I was 20 at the time. Yeah, I don’t want you messaging me again.

*The following four messages are all from the same man:

you are really cute! you talk to older guys? – Doesn’t even try to sell himself, just jumps right into it. Part of me has to admire that.

hey sup Jun 4, 2010 – 8:17am
i just read your profile. i love kanye, i procrastinate, and i love to have a good time. you sound fun. what’s the oldest you have talked to?I don’t even need to know how old you are, just absolutely not. I have an age range listed in my profile of who I want to talk to, refer to that and never message me again. Also, why were you sending me a message at 8:17am? I wonder what your day is like.

hey i love your new pic. you look very nice in pink. – Okay thanks, but go away if I didn’t respond the first time.

anthonycarter: hey sup!
anthonycarter: you are so cute
anthonycarter: do you date older guys? 

shuup girl, 
Im stephen, you seem legit, how you doin?
You’re a little young I’m a little old but lets still be bff, or bump uglies… your call. – Like…what? Excuse me? To all of this? So confusing…so so confusing…I don’t want anything to do with you. And I seem “legit”? Like thanks, I guess. What does one do to seem “legit”? I want to know so I can put it on my resumé, it sounds impressive.

youre pretty, do you want someone to spoil you? – Once again, only if you look like george Clooney. Or you’re possibly anyone on a list of “foxy over fifty” celebrities. Like I assume I don’t want an older man on OkCupid spoiling me or even interacting with me.

you are so pretty… are you into older guys at all? – Again…if you read my profile…I have an age range of who I’m interested in…and if you have to ask…I assume you do not fall within that range…so please leave me in peace to die alone. Thank you.

handsome tall open-minded professor? Jun 4, 2009 – 1:44pm
Hi alaina- I liked your profile! I am a tall and fit professor, 45, live in Boston. I am looking for friends, lovers, depending on how we match. Hopefully much more than a 1 time thing. If this sounds interesting, and you liked my profile, please say hi and I will send pics-James – Why did you put a question mark at the end of your subject? Are you not sure if you’re a handsome tall open-minded professor (no commas necessary, apparently)? Also, I can’t help but notice the date on this message. I was 18 when this was sent to me and if he had looked at my profile, he would have been well aware of that. Not creepy at all, don’t know why I didn’t hit this guy up. Actually, it’s probably because he claims he’s a professor, but none of his syntax makes sense. That has to be it. No other reason.


But my friends and loved ones, those were only the tip of the creepster iceberg that OkCupid has to offer. And so now, here it is. What you’ve all been waiting for. The juggernaut. The holy grail of all OkCupid messages. I’m sorry, did you forget what I’m talking about? I realize this post is long and it may have faded from your memory, so I’ll feel free to refresh. I once received a message on OkCupid that literally concerned me and kind of scared me. And now. I will share that. With you. America. Europe. India. Wherever. I am sharing this. With you. Hold on. To your fucking hats. Kids.

The message will be entirely bolded because I think that adds to its existence.

A dominant man for you 
Aug 12, 2010 – 9:49pm

You’ve no doubt received hundreds of messages by now without finding one that made you tense with the recognition that you have found a man capable of both control and cruelty.

Until now.

I look at your profile, and I recognize your type of slut. The abuse that you crave is so extreme, so unacceptable to the outside world, that to even talk about it cheapens it. No scene can approach the violent and humiliating fantasies in your head, because you would always have a safeword, you would always feel just a little bit silly dealing with a man who would accept your limits, who would subject his power to any sort of restraint.

I accept no restraint, and I need none. I delight in taking a woman and turning her into a bitch, a panting, whining, needy little cunt who begs for pain and orgasms and more tasks to complete to please me. Because whatever other women might be good for, you and I both know that sluts like you are only worth anything when they’re pleasing their Master.

Are you ready to please, little slut?

Sooooooo…there’s a lot going on here. I received this message when I was 20, essentially still a baby (how I’ve aged in two and a half years), and it actually disturbed me. This is just flat out creepy. Like what the actual fuck? Is there a response to this? If so, I don’t even want to know what that response is and I don’t want to give it. A message like this raises a lot of questions for me. How did I come off as a slut? What on my profile gave you that impression? Is there a problem with being a slut? Don’t slut shame, asshole. Don’t message me in general, I’m now terrified. Everything about this message is demeaning, which is the point, but that’s not the kind of woman I am. I don’t appreciate demeaning literature from disturbed strangers. But there’s a few more things I need to know here. I need to know if this message was written specifically for me, and if so, again, why? Why would this have been written for me? Why did someone feel the need to waste their time doing this? I’m sorry about your social life if that’s the case. But if this was not written for me specifically (fingers crossed on that one, muchachos), how many other women has this person sent this to? Can I get a complete list with all of their names on it? Can we band together to form a support group because of the emotional scarring this letter has caused? I just will never understand why a message like this would need to be created and then actually sent.

So there it is, boys and girls, that message right there is the main reason I will never trust anyone on OkCupid. Because for everyone who seems sane, there are the crazies out there who don’t even try to hide it, who let their freak flags fly high, but not in a good way. The world is full of some real insane human beings (myself not included, I’m my own brand of mentally unstable), and I think we’ve found a gathering place for them to all play together. That place is OkCupid, and once you’ve stepped a toe inside, there’s no coming back.

Oh also, I wouldn’t date anyone on this site because it seems pretty apparent that no one has anything higher than a third grade education. I’m a college educated human being, I need a guy who’s going to know the difference between “your” and “you’re” and I’m not finding them on OkCupid. Sorry I’m not sorry, swesties.

Pennster out.