crash test dummies

25 Mar

I always drive over the speed limit because I am terrified of killing someone with my car while driving. Both things are illegal, so I’d rather choose the option that doesn’t put me in jail. My friend Rachael said that she understood where I was coming from, but the more she thought about it, my logic didn’t fully make sense. If I’m terrified of killing someone, wouldn’t I drive as carefully as possible? The answer would obviously seem to be “yes”, but for me, it’s “no, I want to get from point A to point B so badly so I don’t even have the chance for vehicular homicide”.

My problem with driving is that other drivers exist. If I’ve learned anything from my father, it’s that everything everyone else does while driving is wrong. However, unlike my father, I am well aware that everything I do while driving is also wrong, and that I am a horrible driver. So, don’t think that I’m thinking highly of myself, I know that everyone on the road is a horrible driver. Life would be easier if it was just me driving, no one else was, there were no stop lights, and there were no speed limits. That’s really all I want, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask for. Or at least if the speed limit was 40. That would just get me from point A to point B even faster. The less time I spend on the road, the better for everyone else.

I drive through Boston a lot, as it is a requirement of my lucrative career as a part-time babysitter. Drivers in Boston are maniacs, especially taxi drivers, and they seem to have no consideration for other drivers on the road. In fact, I’m kind of convinced at this point that everyone thinks they are on the road alone and that no rules apply to them, they are instead allowed to follow whatever set of rules they decide for themselves while driving. It’s horrible, I often make audible sounds of fear while attempting to maneuver my way around the city, and Sofia, the girl I babysit, makes fun of me for it. I can’t help it, I just tend to make sounds despite what emotion I’m feeling, but the fear of being hit by another car causes me to make some pretty terrible low-pitch grunts. (Side note, Sofia doesn’t understand how amazing it is when I find incredible parking in close proximity to where we’re going in the city. Or if the parallel parking job I do is complete on the first try, I don’t even need to go and straighten myself back out another sixty times to make sure that I’m parked correctly. It’s frustrating only because I want as much praise and recognition for doing such a stellar job of driving and parking.)

I got my license when I was 19 rather than 16, and the man who administered my test told me afterward that he actually should have failed me, but instead, he was passing me. I didn’t question it, I just apologized and thanked him. My father yelled at me immediately and actually made me cry moments before my license picture was taken, so that’s a really fond memory of mine. But this just shows that since the beginning of my driving career, I have always been bad at it. I was not meant to drive. Me behind the wheel means less hope for those out wandering the streets surviving the night.

Also, don’t even get me started on bicyclists. I don’t understand what rules of the road they follow, if any. I would assume if they are going to waste so much space planted in the middle of the road like us regular cars, they would follow the same rules of waiting at red lights and only turning when allowed. However, I’ve seen bikes go through red lights when they felt like going, some bikes ride on sidewalks, others ride opposite of the flow of traffic. I JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT.  Once, I almost hit a bicyclist while driving because the man on the bike could not decide if he wanted to be in the actual lane or near the sidewalk, and he flipped me off. Instead of being a normal, rational, apologetic human being who has realized that they have almost murdered someone on a bicycle, I flipped the man off in return out of impulse. I thought I was going to escape him, however, I was forced to sit at a red light after turning the corner and the man caught up to me and yelled at me through my window, asking “YOU FUCKIN FLIPPED ME THE BIRD?!” I was pretty convinced that the man was going to take down my plate number and report me to some higher authority, or perhaps follow me home and attack my car, yet instead, he just rode his bike on through the red light. So right there. Although I should feel bad that I almost killed someone and know that I am entirely in the wrong in this situation, this man was trying to pretend he was a car, and then just went through a red light. MAKE UP YOUR MIND, SIR. ARE YOU A CAR OR ARE YOU A BIKE? I will forever hate bicyclists, mostly for their indecision.

I cannot wait to live in a city where I do not have to drive. I would much rather rely on a public transportation system that is conveniently located close enough to wherever I am than to have to drive myself from place to place, putting all of those around me in danger. The sooner I am off the road, the better. May peace be with you, and also with you.

UPDATE: I was just driving home from work and I realized I forgot to mention something on here: I fucking HATE when people don’t use their blinkers. It’s just flat out rude. So there’s also that.


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