style for style, crazy for crazy

21 Mar

Do you ever wonder what exactly has happened in your life to shape you into the person that you are now? This is essentially just me talking to myself since I know that my readers are non-existent, but allow me to explain myself, no one. I look back and I am so different now as a person than I was even a year ago. I understand that is a part of growing up and maturing, but I just want an answer to what exactly switched in my brain, when it happened, and what turned me into the human being (robot/alien hybrid) I am today.

If you google "alien robot" this image comes up. I'd say it's accurate to describing me.

If you google “alien robot” this image comes up. I’d say it’s accurate to describing me.

I really like to think that I am a hallucination because I am so ridiculous a person, but I have a feeling that is not true and that I actually do exist in real life. Sometimes I wish that weren’t the case; I think it would be more interesting if I wasn’t real and someone was just making me up. That probably makes no sense, but it’s how my brain works, and I’m sorry for that. I’d honestly be concerned for the person who made me up, I’m a pretty confusing person and I have done some messed up things that no one should ever be proud of.

But obviously, every person has been through so much in his or her life to shape them into the person they will eventually become. I really hope that this isn’t my final self and I have more growing to do, because I don’t know how happy I am with who I am right now. I just want someone to sit me down and go through point by point and tell me what exactly the experiences that shaped me were. I feel like nothing that life altering has ever happened to me, so I want to know what these subtle experiences were that had such a proficient affect on who I am and what I’ve done. Because I have done some really questionable stuff, in the last year especially, and I want answers as to “why?”. So much of what I’ve done, I would have never even thought about doing two years ago, so what has happened that suddenly my brain finds it acceptable? In a sober light, I would never find it acceptable, but in the moment, my brain always seems to think whatever I’m doing okay. Then I am left the next day to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. Good thing no one reads this, otherwise I could really sound crazy and self-loathing.

Luckily for everyone in the world, I am crazy and self-loathing. So at least I have that to get me through the day.

Me on a good day. Complete hallucination

Me on a good day. Complete hallucination.

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