Tag Archives: food

#catholicproblems

14 Feb

I was just reading a Buzzfeed article entitled “17 People Coping With Food Restrictions For Lent” and immediately got annoyed (per usual, classic Alaina). Lent literally is just starting today (or tomorrow, who even knows anymore? I stopped pretending to be Catholic once I was confirmed and never looked back) and yet the internet and forms social media are already getting on my nerves about what people are giving up. Aka everyone is giving up a certain type of food or way of eating because of Lent. I have seen nothing other than food as the common theme of what to give up. Apparently you’re not cool if you don’t cut out everything but water for Lent.

This bothers me for a number of reasons. I just don’t like it when people give things up “for Lent”, when really they don’t even care about Lent and would rather just have an excuse to give something up. So many people just use Lent as an excuse to start dieting, and that’s annoying to me. Just start dieting if you want to start dieting, don’t use Lent as some clever disguise to make it look like you’ll have the willpower to eat only salad for the next forty days. I’d think that you had more willpower if you could just start up trying to eat healthy and lose weight any old day of the week, rather than when it’s convenient to do so. Also, Lent puts an end date on when you’re allowed to give up the diet that you have so graciously started in the name of Jesus, and I’d rather not look at dieting as having an expiration date, but rather look at it from the sense that you should eat better to make yourself feel better and you should do it whenever you damn well please.

I also hate that Lent is literally supposed to be a religious holiday, it isn’t commercialized like Christmas or the other Christian holidays that have lost religious meaning. I know that there are people out there, both young and old, who genuinely give something up for Lent to follow the religion. But, I feel like people now, especially people more my age, are more likely to give something up without even thinking about the reasons why they are giving something up. I’m by no means religious, but to me, it’s like if you’re going to partake in and follow the guidelines of something that pertains to a specific religious event, actually care about what that means. Otherwise, why even bother waiting until Lent to do anything? That’s actually entirely my point. Just fucking go on a juice cleanse if that’s so what your heart desires. Who cares what time of year it is? (Except I don’t encourage going on juice cleanses, food seems to be an important factor in surviving.)

I feel this way about New Year’s resolutions, too. I hate that as a society, we think that we need to have a reason or an excuse to do something, and we can only do these things at certain times of the year. Why bother using that philosophy? If you want to go out and do something, just do it. Don’t try to make a resolution to better yourself and then fail and then tweet about failing at your New Year’s resolution. If you mess up, don’t let it get you down, tomorrow is a new day. That is literally the only time in the entire history of my life I have used a sentence like that and you will never see me be so positive ever again in my life. I think that working for Weight Watchers is really starting to affect me. Being around people who struggle with weight loss on a day to day basis, who start up over and over again on program shows that people do understand that when they want to do something, they should just do it. Fuck having an excuse to, they just get it done. It’s also incredible to see all of the people who have been on program for years, who have been lifetime members for ages, and they don’t just look for a time when it’s convenient to do so.

I get that using Lent or New Year’s or whatever could be argued as a good jumping point to get someone started on their new path in life. Yes, that is true, but I feel like you’re more likely to give something up if there’s an expiration date on it, or once the nostalgia of “it’s the new year, time to make a difference in life!” wears off. If you’re gonna go for something, go for it. And don’t look back. DON’T EVER LOOK BACK.

Also, people need to stop instagramming pictures of salads that are extremely unappetizing. I enjoy a good salad myself, but if you’re going to upload a picture of a few pieces of iceberg lettuce and one tomato, please get out of my newsfeed and actually fall off the planet. I’m not impressed by this salad. That is not a salad. You are going to be hungry in three minutes. Please, feed yourself properly. Thank you.

Ps the title of this post is actually a hashtag that someone on that Buzzfeed link posted to their instagram. Just letting you all know that #catholicproblems exists.

i will owe you a few minutes of your time back if you actually take the time to read this post

7 Jan

Working out is the bane of my existence. I do it three to five times a week depending on the week, but it’s always an endless struggle to finally get myself onto the elliptical. First, I set a goal time for myself. It’s usually at a :00 or :30. My constant mistake is not getting out of my bed to get changed until that time has finally arrived, and then I can’t just get on the machine at an off minute. That would throw off my entire day. Why would I want to do that to myself? Instead, I wait til around the next :15 or :45 and then I fill my water bottle. Again, I am not very good with time management. Prior to working out, I make sure to spend an ample amount of time complaining to several of my friends about how I’m not in the mood to work out. This not only lets them know where I will be for the next hour and a half (or eventual hour and a half, whenever I actually get off my computer), but also lets them know that I am working on my physical fitness and care about my health. In reality, I’m trying to offset all of the cookies and deli meats I ate over the Christmas season. I will never be successful.

Eventually, I drag myself to the work out room, better known as the office. This room makes absolutely no sense. There is a (full) bookcase, a tv, an elliptical, and then all of the shit I brought home from school with me this past May that I never unpacked and just keep in boxes. Now, don’t go thinking I’m lazy and haven’t touched any of my shit from my house in Amherst since May. I go and search through all of the sweaters on probably a daily basis in my endless search to find something that covers my fupa effectively enough. So yeah, I’m not unpacked, but I still use what’s in the boxes. I’m very crafty like that.

I walk to the tv and turn it on, manually, because apparently I live in the colonial age and we are peasants who don’t have a tv remote. It’s actually insulting, I think I deserve more than this when trying to work out. So, not only do I have to turn on the tv manually, but I also have to make sure the volume is at the right level. Otherwise, I have to get up during my workout, waste 9 seconds on the machine, and fix it. You don’t even want to get me started on when I finish a disc of whatever show I’m watching and switch it with a new one. On my walk back to the elliptical, I take a moment to look in the stand-up mirror we have in the room. What I once thought to be a skinny mirror, I now have come to the realization that the mirror itself was never making me look skinnier, I just was skinnier. So I spend a good ten minutes before the workout crying about the fact that this mirror I once thought makes me look skinny no longer does that. And if it is actually a skinny mirror, I am thoroughly disappointed with it. Way to not build up my self-esteem, devil mirror. I swear I’d land in a portal to hell if I stuck my hand through it.

Now, it is time to get on the machine. After licking away all of my tears as they roll down my face since they are salty and remind me of food, I get on the elliptical. I have perfected the art of turning on the dvd player to where I last left off on the show I am watching, while pedaling forward at the same time and adjusting the settings for my workout. It’s really something astounding to witness, I would assume. I wouldn’t know for a fact since I am the one doing the act, but I’m sure it’s impressive. Roughly two minutes into workout, I will text a friend, usually Lauren, telling her how much I hate working out and how boring it is. After that, I will most likely tweet the same exact thought, rendering my private text to her useless. About a minute after that, I will text Lauren again, telling her a quote from whatever show I am watching, more likely than not “30 Rock”. Throughout the workout, I make sure to tweet every single line that is 140 characters or less that make me laugh, just so others can know the things that I find funny. They don’t get much of a response, which I think is cruel. I’m providing humor for the masses, yet I earn no respect from anyone.

I’ve noticed from years of going to an actual gym, and not just the “office” of my house, that people tend to cover the time up on their machine with a towel or something, because that way they don’t focus on how long they’ve been working out or how much longer they have left, and so they actually work out effectively. Since I’m mentally unstable, I have strict times that I change settings and drink water. For example, every ten minutes, I switch from either pedaling forwards to pedaling backwards, or vice versa. Every fifteen minutes, I go up a level on my resistance, until the last fifteen minutes of my workout, in which I go down one. At every increment of ten minutes after 2 minutes, I drink water. But, not right at the 2. It has to be after 30 seconds. So at 12:36 I’ll take a sip, or 32:44. It’s extremely normal of me. Also, I make it a habit to check instagram and Facebook every ten minutes, just to see that nothing’s changed. More often than not, nothing has changed. But I can’t chance missing something big happening because I was too busy working out. Oh, also, I make it a point to immediately want any food that any character is eating on the show I am watching, usually that is pizza, and then tweet about that. Really, what I’m getting at here is that my twitter is extremely interesting and I convey a large range of thoughts on life.

Generally, I work out for an hour and a half. However, if I’m on a time crunch, I’ll cut it down to one hour, or if I feel extremely large and in charge and extra chunky yet funky, I’ll bump it up to two hours. I sound insane and I have a miserable time, but it makes me feel better in some small, insignificant way. I read once that you’re only supposed to work out for one hour at a time or some shit like that, but I say fuck that because I’ve tricked my brain into thinking I’m doing a great job, and I deserve the praise.

Once my bonding time with the elliptical has ended, I press “stop” on the dvd player (luckily we have a remote for that), turn off the machine, manually turn off the tv (waste of time), and leave behind the memories that we have just shared. From there, I tend to just stew in my own filth while catching up on Perez Hilton and Buzzfeed articles. It’s really exciting, and I suggest everyone take the time out of their life to become me for one day. You’ll learn to hate yourself a little bit more, and I think that’s what America needs.

sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

7 Jan

Dear food,

I’m sorry I’m doing this so impersonally, in letter form, rather than over a text message or by having Taylor Swift write a song for me, but we need to break up. We have gone through so much together, it’s like throwing away an entire chunk of my life, leaving behind the one thing I have ever truly loved and that has ever comforted me. But food, me and you, we just haven’t been on the same page recently. The relationship is far too dependent, with me relying on food to cure my every mood swing, and you having no say in the matter. It’s hard when food is your boyfriend, but it’s even harder when you have to say goodbye.

I’ll always remember all that we’ve shared. At my second birthday when I stuffed my face with cake, when I used to eat three breakfasts a day, when my first boyfriend broke up with me and I devoured almost an entire pizza the next day and then three Thanksgiving dinners the day after that, when my grandfather died and the family was bombarded with trays and trays of beautiful assortments of deli meats and doughnuts and everything else imaginable. Food has been both my rebound and my buffer, always there when I need a friend and a hand to hold. But food, as fun as it’s been, it’s also been miserable, and you’ve really taken a toll on my body. It’s not that fun to not be able to fit through doors without greasing up my sides. I’m past the point where I look too fat in jeans so I have to wear leggings; I now look too fat for my leggings. I had to use my inhaler the other night because I ate so much at dinner that I couldn’t breathe normally. That’s really when I knew, that was the moment that it hit me: food, we are in a toxic relationship. And as much as I have loved you as my boyfriend, especially pizza (I think I’ll miss pizza the most), this just needs to end. This tumultuous affair must come to a conclusion. As much as it breaks my heart, my fupa will be more than thrilled to see you go, as I am tired of watching it grow. Seriously, being on fupa control patrol is very time consuming, and there’s only so large a sweater I can wear to try to cover it.

So food, it’s been beautiful, disgusting, horrendous, difficult, upsetting, excessive, and unnecessary. We had our run, but really, it’s time I leave you behind. Of course, I can’t just let you go cold turkey (I would love to eat some cold turkey right now). You are far too tempting and too delicious for me to just ignore, and I know it will take a while to ween myself off of you. But for now, food, at least know that my intentions were pure, and I am trying to drop you as easily as I can. You’ve been there a lot for me for the past twenty two years. And I often think of where I would be had we never met, or had my love for you not grown so strong. My life would probably be infinitely better. But really, I would never give up what we had. Because you are delicious. And I get really bored all of the time and just want to eat.

Xoxo you know you love me,
Gossip Girl

Cue: a mashup of “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” and “Trouble”, as both songs describe my feelings toward this breakup.