Tag Archives: empty

if i didn’t hate taylor swift so much i could use almost any of her song titles as the title for this post

1 Jul

I feel like I’m someone who writes very candidly about most topics. I love expressing my opinion and providing commentary on almost all subjects, so I usually don’t have trouble just sitting and writing. One topic I don’t really delve into, however, is relationships. This is because I have been out of the relationship-game for so long, I couldn’t even remember what anything involved in being one felt like and had nowhere to begin writing about them because of that.

However, I recently ventured back into the relationship world (albeit for a brief period of time), and now I can think of almost nothing else because the emotions I’m feeling are so unfamiliar to me now. I’ve been broken up with in the past, but it’s been so long and so distanced from who I am as a person now that I can only take cues from others on how I’m supposed to feel. I’m currently going through a breakup and the emotions are overwhelming. For a while, I actually was convinced I was a robot and had no feelings, but this experience has shown me that’s absolutely not true, and whereas before I was concerned that I didn’t have normal emotions, now I wish for nothing other than shutting them off.

I have no idea how someone is supposed to act during a breakup. I’ve seen my friends go through them often and always wonder when they know they’re okay. As I said, I’ve been broken up with before, but none of these feelings are familiar with me now. I’ve been the friend who sits and wonders why their friend can’t stop talking about their ex. I’ve sat and criticized the guys my friends dated and how crazy my friends seemed to be acting, but that’s only because from the outside, it’s so easy to judge others and tell them to move on. From the inside, all I know that all I can do is talk about the past because it’ all I can think about. And I’ve gotten to the point where I am making myself sick talking so much about it, but there’s literally nothing else I can think to discuss. It makes me really upset with myself that I’ve become this person, but there’s nothing I can do to get myself out of it. Everything reminds me of him, I can’t separate the good times from the not so good times because all I can think about is what I’m missing, not what I’ve gotten away from. All I have is my memories and he’s a memory to me now and it just doesn’t make any sense. You don’t just fall out of love because your love has walked away, and that’s the hardest thing to work through.

I don’t understand what the correct mourning period is for a relationship. I will always remember that on “Sex and the City”, Charlotte once said she heard the time it takes to get over a relationship is half the course that it ran. I really hope that’s true, because I can’t imagine going on too much longer living day by day the way I’ve been feeling. And mourning is absolutely the accurate term to describe how it feels getting over a relationship. It feels like someone has gone and left you forever and that’s it. It’s unpleasant, to say the least. What’s worse is that I attempted to get some answers and find some closure, but all I learned in my attempt was that closure doesn’t exist. I’m never going to feel better with him breaking up with me. It happened and I didn’t want it to. That’s all there is to it, and it’s discouraging.

I think because I’ve been out of the relationship world for so long, I can only grasp a concept of how to deal from television. It’s not helpful by any means, since tv shows are either completely fabricated or only slightly based on real life, and everything is cut short and abridged. It seems like people get over their exes in the snap of a finger, when really, the editors just made it look that way. Based on how I feel, I can only imagine what everyone else is going through, especially those whose relationships have spanned much longer than mine. Looking back, my relationship was basically the blink of an eye. The months we spent together flew by and now that I just want to fast forward to when I’ll feel like myself again, time could not be moving any slower. Because ultimately, that’s my real goal: I just want to feel like myself again. I know it takes time, but that’s easier to accept as a concept than to really believe. I’m at the point where I don’t know what I believe anymore and I just wish I could nap and wake up and be me again.

Life’s hard. I don’t have a helmet.
I find that referencing “Boy Meets World” always helps get me through the sleepless nights.

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are there any songs about turning 24? does anyone even care?

1 Jul

It’s the eve of my 24th birthday and although my life is drastically different, it feels like I’m finding myself places I’ve been before. I’ve survived a year in New York, grown up, altered my lifestyle, met someone and fell in love and now I’m trying desperately to force myself out of it.

I thought I would go into my 24th year on this Earth as someone new, in a completely new circumstance, ready to grow into myself as a person. I’ve been at my job for a year and ready to move on, we’re in the works of moving into a new apartment, and I thought I had someone I loved by my side to get me through all the trying times.

I’ll never forget on “Sex and the City” that Carrie once said something along the lines of “New York women are always looking for either a job, a boyfriend, or an apartment”. I thought I was going to have at least two out of three set going into my mid-twenties, but it’s looking like I’m just another lost cause; I have a job, but want to move on, but have no idea anymore what I want to do with my life. I thought I was going into a long-standing relationship, but that was pulled out from beneath me and I’m left alone, yet again, like I’ve been so many times. Just me, my computer, and my broken heart. If I had a pick up truck or liked animals, I could write a country song. The apartment we’re looking to move into seems like a lost cause at this point, as we have no idea when we’re moving. It’ll happen eventually, but no one knows when.

Ultimately, I want to be happy. And in my last month of being 23, I went from being happy and almost completely content, to having all of my dreams in front of me dashed. I feel completely lost right now and don’t know what to do. And all I can do is wallow, which is the worst part.

I just felt I hadn’t written in so long, which is a real shame. I just can’t find the energy to write at all anymore, I’m usually busy or too tired from work. I guess I’ll have a lot more free time now, however, so I guess I’ll have that going for me. It’s just that I’m turning 24 in less than three hours and I don’t even know how I feel about it. I guess I mostly feel empty, and I wish there was something I could do to fix that. Right now though, it doesn’t look like there’s a solution in sight.