it’s more the idea i care for than the actual realized version of it

13 Apr

My mother has done a lot for me throughout my life. She has raised me, clothed me, fed me, taught me much of what I know that has shaped me as a person. But, I’d have to say that arguably the best thing she has ever done for me is passing on her ridiculous and uncalled for fear of animals to me. 

This might confuse some people. It’s a good thing “some people” don’t read this blog. However, I really hate animals and I have irrational fears of them touching me, and a lot of that has to do with the fact that my mother is the same way and I learned this from her. I am by no means an animal person, and I think that this has helped me value humans more. This is interesting because I really hate humans, so let’s think about how terrible I’d be if I didn’t have animals to compare them to. This entire post will probably be the most controversial thing I will ever write because are so weirdly sensitive about their pets. I don’t entirely understand why they feel the need to defend these animals. It’s not like they birthed their pets themselves. If I insult an animal, it should really affect other people in no way. Your dumb pet is in no way a reflection of you being dumb (but you’re probably dumb, too).

People tell me that I’m not an animal person because I never had pets when I was younger. Let’s be clear: that’s untrue. I had a pet crab and a pet fish (actually two pet fish because my friend let mine die while in her care and then sneakily bought me a new one without telling me, and then I accidentally let that one die). Those obviously aren’t “big” pets or whatever you want to call them, but I was their owner, and they just happened to die because I am not an animal person. That’s actually not true, all animals eventually die, they were going to die regardless of if I was their owner or not. But aside from this, I’m happy I’m not an animal person. My mother has the belief that you should not trust anything if it walks but isn’t human. I take this to heart, and because of it, I have a heightened fear of animals even touching me/being around me/in my presence than anyone actually should.

I should also mention that I am allergic to fur (which people also see as a bias on my end, but I don’t care about biases, we all know this), and rather than growing out of my allergies, they’ve actually become worse as I’ve gotten older. I now get physical reactions in the form of hives if I sit on a couch that’s covered in animal fur or if an animal happens to touch me. This puts me in a state of fear that is extremely overwhelming. Like I actually get anxiety when I think about being in the presence of certain animals that I know have an affinity for coming up near me and rubbing against me. Or even being in a house that I know I will get a reaction from because of the dander in the air. It freaks me the fuck out (I actually freak the fuck out if I go to someone’s house and there’s an animal just walking around in general, it doesn’t even have to touch me. I just have the fear it’s going to and that I’ll die).

I sometimes am asked to feed my neighbors’ cats and this is a horrible job for a person like me, but I always do it because they pay me, and let’s be honest, what I care about most in this world is money. Anyway, this family has two cats. One of them leaves me alone and just walks away, but the other one likes to rub against my legs because it wants to be played with. I am sorry, but I’m not sacrificing my ability to breathe and not have an asthma attack because a cat wants to be played with. I simply do not give enough of a shit about the happiness of animals to do so. Also it’s summertime whenever they ask me to feed the cats, so I’ll be wearing shorts and the thought of the cat rubbing against my bare legs is more than I can handle. I once learned how to trick the cats into the basement, but the next time I tried the same trick, the evil cat HISSED at me. I was so ridiculously scared that I ran out of the house. This shouldn’t be how a grown up handles a situation like this, but my mother taught me well, so I knew to escape as fast as possible (don’t worry about that devil cat, I ended up wearing pants over instead of shorts so if it rubbed against me, it wouldn’t touch my direct skin. But I still flinched whenever it came near me. Also, I started bringing other people with me to distract the cat while I dished out its disgusting food).

What I also admire about my mother is that she, like me, doesn’t care to hear stories about people’s pets. Sometimes stories about pets can be funny, I will admit that. For example, my friend Amanda’s dog Bella eats glass a lot. That isn’t inherently funny I suppose, but the way she delivers the story is always entertaining, so she wins me over there. I guess it’s not so much the context of her pet stories, but really her line delivery. So I guess I really just don’t like stories about pets otherwise. Also, I know her dogs, so I’m more likely to have interest in her stories than other people’s. Like, if I’m in a conversation with someone else and we’re talking about human beings, don’t start telling me about your pets. Pets are not the same as human beings to me. I am SO sick of seeing people upload pictures of their pets. My Instagram and Facebook feeds really do not need to be full of pictures of cats and dogs, both of which I don’t care about and don’t desire to see pictures of. No matter how cute you think your cat is, I will never agree and I will never think it deserves to take up so much of my social media space, or yours for that matter. Oh another thing, I love babies. So if we’re talking about babies, DEFINITELY don’t start telling me about your pet. I would much rather my feeds be filled with pictures of other people’s babies than other people’s pets. Babies are everything to me. I’m absolutely a baby person, I could talk about and play with babies for hours. You can hate that about me, I don’t care, but I’ll just think you were born without a heart.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, invisible robot reading this post. “There have to be some animals you like! Like you just mentioned your friend Amanda’s pets that you already know. That’s a positive on the side of those of us who foolishly enjoy the company of animals!” You know what, imaginary friend? You are correct. In theory, I do like animals. They are fun. I love monkeys, giraffes, and penguins. I think those are my top three animals. But, it doesn’t mean I’d enjoy being around these animals. I’d probably end up crying.

But if we’re talking about domestic animals, aka animals there’s actually a chance I’d end up being in the presence of, that’s another story. I fucking HATE cats. They are the spawn of the devil, they are so terrible in every single way. Kittens can look cute, but cats definitely hate everyone and you never know what they fuck they’re thinking, and I’m convinced that what they are thinking is to overturn the human race. Stupid dicks. Hate them. I have some friends who have pet dogs that I can stand being around, but only because these dogs are docile. Aside from Amanda’s dog (not even her dog Bella, really, I’m allergic to her. More Amanda’s dog Hammy, who is chill as fuck), my friend Laura has two pet dogs, Charlie and Biscuit. I like Biscuit because he is older and doesn’t touch me, but he will sit next to me and he feels nice to pet. Also, he’s a bischon frisé, so he doesn’t have fur and doesn’t bother my allergies. However, Laura also has a dog named Charlie, and as much as she loves him, I really dislike him because not only does he jump all over me, but he also licks me. That’s actually repulsive. I don’t need you licking me, dog. I once slept over another friend’s house and was awoken by her dog licking my face and I almost threw up. I have no time for such shenanigans. I also really dislike when big dogs have too much energy and act hyper like little dogs. It’s one thing if Laura’s dog Charlie jumps on my legs because he’s tiny, but it’s another thing if a full-grown dog does the same because he can knock me over. Like, I don’t need to fear for my life that an animal is going to knock me down and then possibly continue running all over me because they have no sense of personal space. I have a bubble and you need to step out of it. It’s just rude.

I also have a fear that animals are going to poop or pee on me if I’m holding them.  This is probably irrational, but it could happen, and I don’t need that on me. Leave me alone. Let’s see, what else do I have to say about animals? I just genuinely don’t like touching them or being near them, unless they are a dog that does not have fur and can calm itself down. That’s pretty much it. I like the idea of other animals, but wouldn’t want them in my presence. Animals just smell so bad. It’s so gross. I do like memes of animals (usually cats) with imposed text over them, that does make me laugh. But this in no way means I would actually want a cat near me. Cats can go fuck themselves. Life would just be so much easier if animals weren’t ever in my presence. Also, this could be controversial, but like, no one reads this blog so who cares. I really hate it when people value the lives of animals over the lives of humans. Like I hate when I’m watching a scary movie and a human dies and someone has no response, but then a dog does and someone goes “awww”. Like, a human was just murdered. Why is the animal dying worse than the human dying? I just don’t like when people would choose saving an animal over a human. Call me cold hearted, I don’t care. Humans don’t usually make me sneeze. That’s more than I can say about animals.

It does make me sad, however, that I can never be a spinster surrounded by cats, since I would rather be buried alive than live with cats. It’s just such an easy cop out as a way to live life, and let’s be real, I’m on my way to being alone forever. But, I can’t have cats so I can’t fit that amazing archetype. I figure I’ll just be the crazy television lady instead. I’ll live out the rest of my sad life watching tv shows and complaining about them on the internet. So pretty much, I’m going to continue doing what I’m doing now, but possibly making even less money. If I don’t need a human to share the rest of my life with, I sure as FUCK don’t need a smelly animal.

Oh, also, I have an irrational fear of anteaters. Like I can’t even look at pictures of them without panicking. But that’s really another topic for another day.

For your enjoyment, here is my favorite animal meme.

For your enjoyment, here is my favorite animal meme.

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