you’d think after twentytwo years i’d be used to the spin #brighteyes #lolol :P

11 Apr

My elaborate foray into the beautiful and pristine world that is “OkCupid” led me to an interesting thought that I had not really given the correct amount of time pondering in the past. I noticed that a common trend in many of the messages I have received on the website (mostly not mentioned in that blog post because they’re really not that entertaining, sorry I’m not sorry) is being complimented on for being a girl that “I can actually talk to” by these men/guys/boys/chipmunks. Obviously, this is meant as a positive thing, that a guy can actually have a conversation with me and that I’m not just some dumb idiot there to look good (I probably don’t look good). However, the more I think about it, the more it makes me wonder why these guys are expecting me to take what they have said to me in such high esteem. Am I supposed to be honored that you think that I’m smart enough to hold a conversation with? What are you saying about my fellow females on OkCupid? How much can you really learn about someone from a dating website, especially from someone who is just entirely self-deprecating and doesn’t take it seriously? Thanks for all of the praise that you don’t think I’m some stupid sack of shit, but I don’t need your validation, boys (who run the world, GIRLS, all that shit right here).

But thinking about this reminded me of an experience I had with a guy over the summer. I was in Northampton, Massachusetts, home to hipsters and weirdos, but also home to some very cool people, shops, and concert venues. Some friends and I were visiting Amherst for the weekend (UMASS WUTUP?! ZOOMASS 4 LYF) and decided to bus it to NoHo for one of our nights out. We went to a bar called “Tunnel Bar” which was pretty cool, actually located under a tunnel. There was almost nowhere to move, but me and my girlz are resourceful and found our way to the bar right away. A guy standing there was wearing a Bright Eyes shirt, so I decided to tell him I liked it because I genuinely did, they happen to be one of my favorite bands (they made 9th grade a whole lot easier. I was pretty ugly then), and I thought it would be a pretty safe thing to do. A typical response to “I like your shirt” would probably be, “cool, thanks” or “oh thank you” or something along those lines. No. This pretentious fucker couldn’t just accept what I said, he had to assume that I was some ridiculous poser who was just saying that to sound cool. So, when I said, “I like your shirt”, his response was, “…why?” Like excuse me? Why? Why do you think I like your shirt? Because of the cotton it was made from? The quality of the stitching? Obviously because I’m a Bright Eyes fan, fucker. I told the man that Bright Eyes is one of my favorite bands, and instead of just accepting my answer, he asked, “what’s your favorite album?” Fuck you, that’s my favorite album. That’s absolutely what I should have said to him before storming off to “I’m Every Woman” by Chaka Khan, but instead I indulged and gave him my actual answer. Apparently the album I chose “isn’t usually people’s favorite” (his words), so that satisfied him enough to decide that I was legitimate and he could have a conversation with me. The whole thing was just so asinine and stupid, the guy couldn’t have just accepted that someone like his shirt without an ulterior motive.  The conversation ended there, as I decided it was an appropriate time for me to walk away. For the record, sir, I was not hitting on you, I just wanted to tell you I appreciate your shirt. I do not, however, appreciate you existing. Sashay away, please.

That situation was just so annoying and stupid to me. Why did I need to stand there proving myself to this absolute stranger just to gain his acceptance? He was clearly fishing for just the right answers from me before I could pass his demented test to show that I was “cool” enough for him. Obviously not all the guys who send messages on OkCupid telling me that it’s great that I’m a girl (they always say girl, never woman. I’m 22, God dammit) they could see themselves carrying on a conversation with are looking to say that in a demeaning way, implying that I have lived up to their standards of who makes a satisfactory conversationalist. But, I know for a fact that there are guys out there who believe that telling women that they think they are smart is the highest honor they could bestow upon the women, because they “wouldn’t tell a woman she was smart if they didn’t fully believe it” (I know of an actual “human being” who told a female friend of mine this). I don’t know if my point is coming across clearly, but really, all I’m trying to say is that I appreciate knowing that you think I’m smart, I think most people appreciate hearing that about themselves, but I don’t need to live up to whatever standards you have for me to gain your approval, and neither does any other woman. You telling me that I can actually carry on a conversation is nice to hear, but it’s coming off a bit more condescending than you’d anticipated. Or maybe you anticipated it because you think that you’re really flattering me in the best way possible. Guess I’ll just suck your dick now, huh? You think I’m smart!

Yeah, this went in a really weird direction. It’s one of those situations that a guy can’t really win in. I like being complimented on something other than my looks, such as my brain and wit, but I don’t NEED the compliment from you. Instead of telling me I’m a good conversationalist, why don’t you just have a conversation with me? That’s a novel idea. I’m a genius for thinking of it. I deserve a prize. See, I really am smart!

But really, how about no one compliment me on my brain or my looks or anything else. I’m trying this thing where I live under a rock for the rest of my life and never interact with other human beings, so any positive comments toward me are really just going to derail my lifelong dreams and goals. Thank you all kindly, and please remember to spay and neuter your pets.

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