the okcupid chronicles: a saga years in the making

In the foolish days of my youth (2009), my friends and I decided that it would be funny to start up “OkCupid” accounts just for shits and gigs, rather than to actually meet other human beings. My first several messages are from my friends, simply saying “wutup QT can I holla atchu?”, which is really all I could ask for in a message. Now, don’t think that we were going around catfishing; our profiles were entirely our own. I used my real pictures, my name, real personal interests and such. We just wanted to see what OkCupid was all about, even if that meant just ignoring anyone who reached out to me on the site.

I really initially only kept my page active for two reasons. The first reason of why I kept it going is honestly completely vain. I kept my page active for vanity, I wanted to see who thought that I am pretty. It’s shallow, but who cares, we all like to hear that someone thinks we’re good looking, whoever says otherwise is a liar. A dirty, filthy liar. This was back in my younger days (2010) when I was going through some self-esteem issues (I’ve clearly come a long way, huh guyz?!) and I just wanted to know that there were guys out there interested in me. Sometimes you come home from a long night out at the club (that’s not me, I never go to clubs) and you haven’t scored any numbers from any hOtTiEz, so what better than to look through an abundance of poorly written and grammatically incorrect messages from strangers letting you know how beautiful and funny you are to make you feel better? It’s an instant cure for the blues. JK, that’s not actually true, if you’re fundamentally unhappy then you’re fundamentally unhappy, no amount of completely shallow comments about your appearance is going to make you feel better. But, sometimes it’s a nice reminder that at least one person thinks you’re pretty. I hope everyone (no one) who reads this blog (no one reads this blog) doesn’t hate me now for how terrible I just sounded. Just trying to relate to the masses of human beings. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m an alien/robot hybrid, so I don’t understand or have any basic human emotions, I’m just trying to fit in.

The second reason for why I keep my OkCupid alive and kickin (barely) and really the main reason why it still exists today is because I receive some REALLY interesting messages from some very…shall we say “interesting” men. Or boys. Monsters? Who even knows. All I know is that some people really have no idea how to speak to other human beings, whether it be in person or via social communication. I by no means refuse to de-activate my account because I am looking to meet anyone off of the website. Completely the opposite, actually. I am nervous and skeptical enough about the men I meet in real life, let alone the men I “meet” online. I don’t trust any one of those fuckers, and I won’t be starting to have faith that one of these men on a free dating website is the one for me anytime soon. I just assume that all of the guys who message me on OkCupid have terrible intentions (as I do with all men I meet in bars. I have trust issues, lay off me). I don’t trust the kind of people who use it seriously. I understand that I have one, but I never respond to messages and don’t send any on my own accord. So if there are others like me out there on the site, I wouldn’t be aware because they’d be like me and not messaging other people. Simple as that. I’ve heard too many online dating horror stories to trust anyone in the world, everyone is a liar and I am choosing to live under a rock with a tv playing  “RuPaul’s Drag Race” in the background to soothe me for the rest of my life.

So, some of these messages I receive…they range from funny to flattering to downright terrifying. I’ve literally been scared for my life after reading one of the messages I received. But more on that later, that’s really the show-stopper, so I feel the need to hold out on sharing its information so that you will be forced to read the rest of my thoughts. It’s like I’m playing God here. And I like it.

The messages I am going to post range from 2009 to today, and I don’t think age has made any of these men wiser. I have broken them down into six categories:

– Bad pick-up lines
– Why did you bother messaging me?
– I don’t understand what you want/what you’re doing with yourself
– What?
– No
– Old men

This is a pretty wide range of messages to receive and this post will be going on for quite some time longer. I was going to break it up into different posts, but I figure why not just post all of the messages here instead? Let’s make life fun for everyone. So here we go. This should be a fun adventure for everyone (me, this is fun for me).

*Note: all of the messages sent are in italics and my thoughts after reading them are written normally. I figure anyone who wastes their time reading this blog must be dumb enough to not realize that (Thanks for reading my blog and you’re welcome for insulting your intelligence, which I’m sure is actually average if not above average!)

– Bad pick-up lines:

do you work at subway? b/c you’re giving me a foot-long – Right. I think this speaks for itself. Great way to break the ice.

im bored and horny right now, do u wanna get fucked? – Nah, not so much, I’ll pass. Thank you though.

Baby, I’m like milk. I do a body good. – You don’t know if I’m lactose intolerant, you could be picking at my one weakness. Think before you send, fella (I’m not lactose intolerant, but when you assume something, you make an ass of you and me).

if i were drunk Jun 14, 2010 – 1:00am
id just say u can get it baby cuz u nasty fly… but since im not, hey there my names ron, and u should get back to me soon cuz if u dont its the best thing you’ll miss out on this week – Looks like I missed out on something good that week, huh guys? That threat really got to me. 

Your darn hot and sexy….Cant we talk? – “Can’t we talk?” Nope. We can’t.

Your natural beauty radiates from your profile picture 🙂 I instantly acquired a tan from your heavenly glow. – Don’t think that’s true or scientifically possible, but thank you, being tan is the greatest achievement and only in my life. So you really found the way to my heart immediately.

– Why did you bother messaging me?:

what’s up? you are MAD cute. and u seem like a TON of fun! haha. i have no idea what to say. – Then why did you send me a message?

pshaw, everyone on the okcupid likes brand new – Uh okay, thanks? That was insightful. Thanks for letting me know I’m unoriginal! Wanna fuck now?!

This thing isn’t giving me much to work with. All it’s saying is that you like The Dark Knight. I am having difficulty making conversation out of just that. But I suppose Heath Ledger’s final performance is conversation worthy. – Do you even want to send me a message? You realize it isn’t mandatory, right?

I think it’s funny that you love semicolons yet you don’t have any in your profile haha. – Maybe there was no place to fit in a semicolon since I like to think I know when they’re appropriately used and there is no grammatical context for one on this profile, fucker. Think before you speak.

hah everybody and their brother likes modest mouse, it’s a given – You and that Brand New guy should consider hanging out sometime, that wouldn’t the most annoying meeting of two minds ever.

Well all that matters is are you hot? Because just like Kanye, I am a shallow bastard. – Uhhhh…is this supposed to merit a response? I don’t think it does.

But I’m mostly just sending this because the profile completion meter bugs the fuck out of me. Y’seem reasonably cool, regardless. – Again, it is not mandatory to send out messages. I don’t care if the completion meter bugs the fuck out of you, learn to ignore it because there was no point to this and you clearly had no interest in actually messaging me. Also thanks for putting me at the level of “reasonably” cool, that’s really sweet of you, you’re winning me over.

You sound like a complete loser – Thanks, I guess. Like what? Why did you take the time out of your day to check out my profile and then tell me this? Or are you trying to be funny and cute and are saying this so I’ll message you and get defensive? No but seriously, I think you’re just calling me a loser and there’s no place for negativity on the internet.

I think feminism is like the derivative of abs(x): Not well defined. – My problem with this is that it was the whole message. Like you can’t elaborate for me?

I’m cool with equal rights, pay, and being fair, but most if not all feminists disregard inherent differences in a man and a woman which make us individual and unique, I feel currently they are the worst thing for the American Culture! – This is actually one of the only messages I’ve ever responded to on the website. I said “get the fuck away from my profile” and then blocked this guy. I don’t even care if he was purposely being a dick as a clever way to start a conversation, I have no time for fuckery like this.

hey, im chris. I feel like I am terrible at righting these messages… I never know what to say! – Then leave me alone and don’t say anything! lolol. Also, “righting”. That is all.

– I don’t understand what you want/are doing with yourself:

Im sure you get about 300 Messages a day by random guys saying “You’re so cute” and i dont wanna be one of those random 300 so im here to be completely different. Im here to tell you that i think you’re UGLY! lol haha Yes i think you’re ugly.. so ugly that i would love to talk to you some more and possible get to know you better 😉 I hope to hear back from you soon.– right, I see what you’re doing…but it’s not working. Please move along.

hey for some reason you look really familiar i can’t make it out lol? – lol? Okay? You didn’t even elaborate, how am I just supposed to know why I look familiar to you? I have no idea who you are. Also, it’s an automatic turn off when a guy says “lol” in seriousness. Everyone should know that by now, it’s not 2001.

Hey aliana you seem like you might be a fun girl. We should meet up for a few drinks. Send me your number and we’ll make plans – Right so you just get right to the point. Don’t even want to exchange a series of messages, you just want my number and to get me drunk. Also, I seem like I “might” be a fun girl. That’s what every woman wants to hear. Plus, you spelled my name wrong. That’s a real turn on right there, even though I specifically wrote something about people getting my name wrong all the time in my profile. YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT ME.

Hey, I like the profile. What’s up with the serial killers though? Are you one of those girls who sends love letters to guys on death row? – Uhhhh…no…no I’m not…is that the response you’re looking for?

I’m moving up to mass soon. How is the weather there :O – Why the fuck did you make that weird face at the end of the sentence? I’m not even calling it a question since you didn’t add a question mark. You actually didn’t even add a period so I don’t think I can even consider it a sentence. But seriously, what’s the point of that face?

Hi; I’m Kyle; Wanted to say hey and see what’s up; Message me back sometime if you would like to talk; I figured I’d add unnecessary semicolons for you haha 🙂 – Okay, buddy, if I wrote in my profile that I like semicolons (which I did because that’s a normal thing to tell potential suitors right off the bat), why would you unnecessarily add a bunch of them to a sentence? Wouldn’t you think that means I like when they’re used correctly? I also mentioned I was an English major. What are you not putting together? Why would this blatant lack of grammatical common sense be a turn on for me?

– What?:

What sorts of things do you enjoy going out and doing at night? Clubbing, bar hopping, partying, or going out and doing other random stuff in the dark? – Uh…yeah I’m gonna say not going out and doing other random stuff in the dark. That’s one of the creepiest fucking sentences ever put together, I’m nervous you’re going to murder me. I picture us meeting up at laser tag (it’s dark there, right?) and then you murdering me. This is all on you.

My names Chris, you look interesting 😉 *ting* – Why did you write *ting*? I don’t get it. Is that a thing? Does it mean anything?

So, you’re obviously a wicked sexy girl. Whats guy got to say in a message that you actually give a fuck to respond to him? Does he need to be sweet or witty? Promise to be a sugar daddy or just tell you how cute you are and say “lets chat.” – Doesn’t matter what you do, stranger, I’m never going to respond to you ever. And this isn’t the approach you should take with any female, I’m not dying to let you know anytime soon.

Hii will it be a nice idea if we meet up sometime for a coffee? – Hii I don’t know will it be? Why is this questioned phrased like this? It probably won’t be a good idea for us to meet up sometime for a coffee, but I’m not going to waste your time by telling you that.

Speaking of your profile, I was pretty surprised I didn’t see Britney Spears anywhere on it, I kind of get a Britney vibe from you in your photos. – What the fuck does this even mean? Like excuse me? I don’t understand what you’re getting at. Like I’m genuinely confused by this statement, how does my profile give off this vibe at all? What is this vibe? Who are you?

Message title: I got a million ways to get it… choose one. – Uuuhhhh…why is this the title of the message? A million ways to get what? I can’t choose a way to get it if I don’t know what “it” is. Explain further. Are you talking about my vagina? Because it seems like you might be talking about my vagina.

im Dave i just wanted to say hello , im a cop in the Berkshires im not a Perv or a Scumbag like may others on here . I really just wanted to say that you are a great young woman and dont change that – Thanks Dave, cop in the Berkshires, I’ll make sure to not change being a great young woman. I appreciate that you’re not a perv or scumbag like many others on there. Like what the hell? What a weird thing to tell someone in a message on a dating website, are you my dad or something? (I really hope you’re not my dad, that would be creepy beyond belief. Thankfully my dad’s not named Dave, so I’m pretty sure we’re all in the clear here).

Read you profile and you seem really interesting and hope to find out more. Also have 3 piercings – Why the fuck did you just arbitrarily add that you also have three piercings? Why did you write “also” before the statement as if it was adding onto another point? Why do I need to know this? Is this something that you immediately tell women when trying to get to know them? Why is this vital information? Are you under the impression that I have three piercings and that’s why you wrote “also”? I’m lost.

You have great teeth. With what frequency would you say you floss? – Average…I will give this guy credit for thinking out of the box with this compliment/conversation starter, never heard this one before.

hilarious profile. Took you…5 minutes? haha. – Is this a good or bad thing? How long is it supposed to take to put dating profiles together? Is it embarrassing if it took five minutes? Does that make it seem like I tried too hard and thought about it too much? Because I didn’t, I’m just witty as fuck and whipped that shit out on my profile. Or are you saying that my profile actually isn’t that nice and I put no effort into it? Why do I have no answers to these questions?

– No:

Damn girl you are cute. Want to write a screenplay with me? – I’d really rather not, dear.

Your a cutie, I dont think your snooty, I don’t know what to say so don’t think I’m fruity. Holla Back. – Yeah, I won’t be hollering back. This rhyme is grammatically incorrect and also insulting. Why would I think you’re “fruity” for not knowing what to say? Are you using “fruity” in the sense of gay people? That’s rude, I’m an ally, I don’t need this rap from you. Also this is just embarrassing and I will let everyone know that this kid’s profile picture looks like a ten year old.

I’d love to be friends..annnnnd talk on AIM sometime? i dont think watertown is that far away and id love to get to know the area. hope to hear from you soon alaina. byeee. p.s im a wicked dork. – why are you adding so many extra letters to words? Stop that. I don’t get why that’s happening. And why are you questioning if you’d love to talk on AIM sometime on top of being friends? I don’t find you very genuine, sir. Also, thanks for alerting me of your identity as a “wicked dork”. Thank god you added the “wicked” in or I might be in the dark as to what caliber dork you are. Dodged a bullet there. 

Missed Instant Message(s) Dec 16, 2009 – 12:37am
Raintree123: Truth or dare – Nope. Seriously, just nope. Not even bothering.

I’m online your online we should talk Apr 12, 2010 – 1:07am
So I am sitting here buzzed from partying and I am bored but alone at home now you should come and take advantage of me. – I’d rather not but thanks for the offer, I guess. Don’t know where you even were necessarily in relation to me, probably would have been a bit of a hike for me. And this was from 2010 so I definitely didn’t have a car to drive. I was also probably drunk. Literally nothing about this offer is appealing, I’m just making excuses at this point.

How are you? You seem like both a positive and intelligent person, so I thought I would send a quick message. – Literally the only reason why this message is posted on here is because this guy thinks I seem like a “positive person”. My profile is sarcastic, self-deprecating, and cynical as shit, where the hell on there did this person see any slight hint of positivity? I talk about the fact that I have a cash cans for profit, that can’t be taken seriously by anyone. This poor, misguided soul.

wats up. What umass skool u going to? I got to umass lowell. – Yeah I don’t think you’re going to any school with the way you’re spelling there, kid. “wats” “skool” “u”. I don’t understand how typing any of those words makes life easier than typing out the actual spelling. Also, “I got to umass Lowell”. I assume you definitely meant to write “I go to umass Lowell”, but the fact that you didn’t double-check your message and edit it for grammatical mistakes is a complete turn-off for me. You didn’t have me at “wats up”.

I usually don’t go off of match percentages and just assume and hope the higher the kinkier, lol. – Yeah not even 100% sure how this even makes sense. Unless you mean that you’re kinky as fuck and so if we have a high match, that means I must be, too. I’m not interested in that, get your mind out of the gutter and take this filth elsewhere.

You seem really fun, I just wanna date ya! You live in Watertown and that’s the only reason I’m asking but, are you Armenian? – No, I am not Armenian. Thank you for caring and knowing one fact about my poor town.

– Old men:

Wow, I think you’re very attractive…
I know you probably weren’t looking for one, but does the idea of a sugar daddy appeal to you?
Just wondering,
Robert ‘-) – Unless you look like george Clooney, no, a sugar daddy does not appeal to me. My aunt marilyn had a sugar daddy once (it doesn’t make sense because I usually picture one with a sugar daddy as being young and she certainly was not) and she walked in on him cheating on her with her best friend. It was like a scene from a soap opera. I don’t need that in my life. Also, I assume you’re really creepy and gross if you’re trying to pick me up off of a free dating website. And you clearly knew I was 20 at the time. Yeah, I don’t want you messaging me again.

*The following four messages are all from the same man:

you are really cute! you talk to older guys? – Doesn’t even try to sell himself, just jumps right into it. Part of me has to admire that.

hey sup Jun 4, 2010 – 8:17am
i just read your profile. i love kanye, i procrastinate, and i love to have a good time. you sound fun. what’s the oldest you have talked to? – I don’t even need to know how old you are, just absolutely not. I have an age range listed in my profile of who I want to talk to, refer to that and never message me again. Also, why were you sending me a message at 8:17am? I wonder what your day is like.

hey i love your new pic. you look very nice in pink. – Okay thanks, but go away if I didn’t respond the first time.

anthonycarter: hey sup!
anthonycarter: you are so cute
anthonycarter: do you date older guys? 
– GIVE UP AFTER THE SECOND TRY, ANTHONY CARTER.

shuup girl, 
Im stephen, you seem legit, how you doin?
You’re a little young I’m a little old but lets still be bff, or bump uglies… your call. – Like…what? Excuse me? To all of this? So confusing…so so confusing…I don’t want anything to do with you. And I seem “legit”? Like thanks, I guess. What does one do to seem “legit”? I want to know so I can put it on my resumé, it sounds impressive.

youre pretty, do you want someone to spoil you? – Once again, only if you look like george Clooney. Or you’re possibly anyone on a list of “foxy over fifty” celebrities. Like I assume I don’t want an older man on OkCupid spoiling me or even interacting with me.

you are so pretty… are you into older guys at all? – Again…if you read my profile…I have an age range of who I’m interested in…and if you have to ask…I assume you do not fall within that range…so please leave me in peace to die alone. Thank you.

handsome tall open-minded professor? Jun 4, 2009 – 1:44pm
Hi alaina- I liked your profile! I am a tall and fit professor, 45, live in Boston. I am looking for friends, lovers, depending on how we match. Hopefully much more than a 1 time thing. If this sounds interesting, and you liked my profile, please say hi and I will send pics-James – Why did you put a question mark at the end of your subject? Are you not sure if you’re a handsome tall open-minded professor (no commas necessary, apparently)? Also, I can’t help but notice the date on this message. I was 18 when this was sent to me and if he had looked at my profile, he would have been well aware of that. Not creepy at all, don’t know why I didn’t hit this guy up. Actually, it’s probably because he claims he’s a professor, but none of his syntax makes sense. That has to be it. No other reason.

 

But my friends and loved ones, those were only the tip of the creepster iceberg that OkCupid has to offer. And so now, here it is. What you’ve all been waiting for. The juggernaut. The holy grail of all OkCupid messages. I’m sorry, did you forget what I’m talking about? I realize this post is long and it may have faded from your memory, so I’ll feel free to refresh. I once received a message on OkCupid that literally concerned me and kind of scared me. And now. I will share that. With you. America. Europe. India. Wherever. I am sharing this. With you. Hold on. To your fucking hats. Kids.

The message will be entirely bolded because I think that adds to its existence.

A dominant man for you Aug 12, 2010 – 9:49pm

You’ve no doubt received hundreds of messages by now without finding one that made you tense with the recognition that you have found a man capable of both control and cruelty.

Until now.

I look at your profile, and I recognize your type of slut. The abuse that you crave is so extreme, so unacceptable to the outside world, that to even talk about it cheapens it. No scene can approach the violent and humiliating fantasies in your head, because you would always have a safeword, you would always feel just a little bit silly dealing with a man who would accept your limits, who would subject his power to any sort of restraint.

I accept no restraint, and I need none. I delight in taking a woman and turning her into a bitch, a panting, whining, needy little cunt who begs for pain and orgasms and more tasks to complete to please me. Because whatever other women might be good for, you and I both know that sluts like you are only worth anything when they’re pleasing their Master.

Are you ready to please, little slut?

Sooooooo…there’s a lot going on here. I received this message when I was 20, essentially still a baby (how I’ve aged in two and a half years), and it actually disturbed me. This is just flat out creepy. Like what the actual fuck? Is there a response to this? If so, I don’t even want to know what that response is and I don’t want to give it. A message like this raises a lot of questions for me. How did I come off as a slut? What on my profile gave you that impression? Is there a problem with being a slut? Don’t slut shame, asshole. Don’t message me in general, I’m now terrified. Everything about this message is demeaning, which is the point, but that’s not the kind of woman I am. I don’t appreciate demeaning literature from disturbed strangers. But there’s a few more things I need to know here. I need to know if this message was written specifically for me, and if so, again, why? Why would this have been written for me? Why did someone feel the need to waste their time doing this? I’m sorry about your social life if that’s the case. But if this was not written for me specifically (fingers crossed on that one, muchachos), how many other women has this person sent this to? Can I get a complete list with all of their names on it? Can we band together to form a support group because of the emotional scarring this letter has caused? I just will never understand why a message like this would need to be created and then actually sent.

So there it is, boys and girls, that message right there is the main reason I will never trust anyone on OkCupid. Because for everyone who seems sane, there are the crazies out there who don’t even try to hide it, who let their freak flags fly high, but not in a good way. The world is full of some real insane human beings (myself not included, I’m my own brand of mentally unstable), and I think we’ve found a gathering place for them to all play together. That place is OkCupid, and once you’ve stepped a toe inside, there’s no coming back.

Oh also, I wouldn’t date anyone on this site because it seems pretty apparent that no one has anything higher than a third grade education. I’m a college educated human being, I need a guy who’s going to know the difference between “your” and “you’re” and I’m not finding them on OkCupid. Sorry I’m not sorry, swesties.

Pennster out.