perez hilton, i wish i knew how to quit you

11 Feb

The website perezhilton.com apparently started in 2005, when I was fifteen years old. I never read the website when I was in high school, but I had known about it, honestly mostly because Kathy Griffin had a problem with Perez and met up with him on her show “My Life on the D-List” in order to confront him about rude things he had written about her on the site. All I knew about it from that snip-it on the show was that Perez wrote celebrity gossip, but was a dick about it. I was too busy hating everything and having a middle part at the time to care about checking out what Perez was really all about.

I didn’t start actually reading it until I got to college. By freshman year, I still hated everything (and still do to this day, bless my little soul), but I hadn’t had my middle part for a good three and a half years, so it was time for me to check out the site since I was looking for new ways to procrastinate. I really did enjoy perezhilton.com when I first started reading it. Perez was actually pretty entertaining and I loved the celebrity gossip I was getting. He was kind of a bully and a bitch, but I mostly agreed with what he was saying, so I was glad there was a place I could turn to that could fill my need to read extremely judgmental and unapologetic blogging.

However, somewhere around this time, Perez decided that he was done being a bully. From what I remember, this was because he is gay and teen suicide due to gay bashing and bullying unfortunately became extremely popular, and Perez realized that he was part of the problem, since he bullied celebs by writing about which celebrities needed to come out of the closet and referring to “celebrities” by rude nicknames, such as when he called Rachel Zoe “raisin face” and Rumer Willis “potato head Willis”. Perez was ready to turn over a new leaf, and I decided to join him for the ride, only because I still was genuinely interested in reading whatever celeb gossip he had to shell out my way.

Guys, I don’t want to sound like a dick, but I have to say it: I prefer Perez as a bully. I don’t know who the fuck he’s trying to fool now, but I hate everything about his website. There is literally too much wrong with it for me to even try to start listing. But, I will obviously write out some examples for you zero readers here, I am first and foremost a journalist (no I’m not). So here we go.

Perez thinks that he is close and personal friends with like half of the celebrities he talks about. Now, I don’t actually know Perez in real life (thank God), but I’ll have to assume that this is not true. He used to make a living (I don’t know if he actually made a living doing this, but I don’t care to look it up either) insulting 3/4 of Hollywood, so why would they want to be friends with him? The only way to keep people as your friends when you talk shit about them constantly is to do it behind their back, which Perez clearly wasn’t doing. I should know since that’s how I keep all of my friendships going. But seriously, the way he writes about celebrities, you’d think that they’re all sucking his dick on a constant basis, since he has nothing but love to send out for all of them. Well, celebrities aside from Lindsay Lohan, but really, there’s no defending Lindsay Lohan. Except that Perez tries to act like he wants her comeback to actually happen, which I think is bullshit. I think everyone loves her train wreck of a life the way it is. I think she is purely existent at this point as a beacon of hope for everyone else in the world that although life may seem bad, it will never be as bad as Lindsay Lohan’s life. Also, he acknowledges that Chris Brown is an extremely shitty person (quite possibly the shittiest person to ever exist), but he continues to write about him in articles that focus on his music or his career. Like, let’s never discuss Christ Brown unless we’re discussing what a genuinely disgusting excuse for a human being he is, rather than further perpetuating his career. I don’t even understand why he still has a career. I hate everyone who thinks he is talented. He isn’t. There will always be someone who is more talented and better at whatever it is he does than Chris Brown.

We all know my hatred for Taylor Swift, and Perez talks about her as if she’s a goddess and everything posted online about her is written by mean bullies who want to make her feel bad. Like, actually probably not, the people writing about her personal life are doing exactly what you do now still, but used to do better. They’re telling it like it is. No one but Perez seems to be making excuses for Taylor’s boy-crazy antics, and I hate it. He’s further perpetuating that she’s the virginal role model that we all need in our lives, when she’s really just slut-shaming on all women who aren’t her through her lyrics. I’m sick of her and I’m sick of Perez blowing more smoke up her ass when what she really needs is to go away and take a nap for about ten years.

I honestly think that I hate Taylor Swift and so many other celebrities so much more than I should because Perez posts about 17 articles an hour about all of them, giving all of the details of everything he has just learned about them in the last twenty minutes. I don’t need that many articles about whether Taylor dumped Harry Styles or he dumped her. Just tell me they broke up and that she’s a completely miserable mess now and I can carry on, thanks.

But sorry, my apologies, this isn’t supposed to be about my disdain for Taylor Swift, this is supposed to be about my disdain for Perez Hilton. A huge issue I have with Perez is his website in general. At this point, Perez does not do all of his own blogging, and I actually don’t even know if he does any of it anymore. He clearly has a team of people who work for him, as they always refer to him as “we” instead of “I” in articles. It’s extremely annoying and I hate it, but this brings me to my point: This is one of the worst edited websites I have ever seen in my life. I don’t think anyone who works for him knows how to spell, and I also do not think that they know proper grammar. I kind of think that no one who works for the website has a basic knowledge of the English language. I was an English major so I’m a nerd about editing. But you would think that at this point in the game, Perez would hire someone who could spell words correctly and would know when to properly insert a comma into sentences. Also, along with the editing, the articles themselves are written in the most obnoxious ways possible. Perez and his team clearly think that he is really alternative and fabulous, but really, I would have to assume he’s not. They always write things like “on Taylor Swift’s AH-MAY-ZING new album” and “ch-ch-ch-check out this HIGHlarious clip!” Like, shut up. How about I don’t? How about you stop writing like that? It’s bothersome.

Along with this obnoxious brand of blogging, the website also puts literally any piece of information out there for people to read as fact. According to Perez, no two celebrities can hang out without being an item. Miley Cyrus, who has been engaged to Liam Hemsworth for some time now, was recently spotted in a car with Ed Westwick. SOUND THE ALARM, that must mean she’s fucking him! Miley herself sent out a series of tweets to Perez letting him know how irresponsible and insulting it is to her and her relationship that he do this. I was so extremely happy that she did this because I get pissed whenever I read any of his headlines about two celebs spotted hanging out. Clearly, they can’t be just friends. Also according to Perez, a celebrity who is in a relationship can’t spend any time alone, otherwise they must be miserable and really sad. Like, really? Someone can’t just go grab lunch by themselves? They have to miss their boyfriend? It’s extremely frustrating to read article after article of this shit.

Another thing that pisses me off about the website is that Perez has decided to not be a bully, yet he’ll be the first person to point out when a celebrity looks like shit, or if it looks like they had work done, or if it looks like they’re pregnant. Like, if they didn’t have work done and they’re not pregnant, you do realize that that is insulting, right Perez? As someone who has never been pregnant but once had a child ask if I was with child because I was wearing an unflattering top, I know how unhappy one can feel after hearing such an accusation. So, Perez, how about instead of just saying that people shouldn’t bully and everyone is beautiful, you stop being an secret dick and just practice what you preach? Also, he recently posted an article about it looking like Miley Cyrus cuts herself. What bothers me is that Perez acts like it’s okay to just throw out accusations like this, not realizing how it will affect the person he writes about. Maybe Miley used to have a problem, but how about we don’t address it if she doesn’t because it’s none of our business? No one is allowed to have any secrets, I guess.

This all just makes me think about how a few years ago, Perez called Will.I.Am a “faggot” because he was mad at him and “wanted to call him the most insulting thing I could think to call him”. So, apparently because Perez is gay, and he knows how horrible it can feel to be called such a word, he has the right or something to use that word to bring down someone else. It just made no sense. Now whenever anyone drops that gay-hating slur, Perez is first to jump on their back. But in that moment, he was fine with doing so, since he knows how negative the term is and how insulting it would be. His hypocrisy overwhelms me.

I’ve been wanting to write this article for a while, but what really got me going on it was an article I read yesterday that Perez posted about Whitney Houston’s daughter, Bobbi Kristina. Apparently, she was caught with her step-brother or foster brother, or whoever he is (I don’t know, but they were engaged at some point, so no matter what, their relationship is weird) smoking a blunt outside, out in the open. While I find it extraordinarily stupid to smoke out in broad daylight, it’s not my business and I do not give a shit if someone is going to smoke weed. Go for it, why should I care? Perez, however, acts as if marijuana is the worst thing to ever happen to the world. In the article, Perez writes “We can’t even begin to imagine what she’s going through right now, but it’s still very sad to see her resorting to this kind of behavior”. Like, excuse me? People smoke weed for tons of reasons, and it’s probably one of the safer routes they can go down. Perez acknowledges this but also assumes that weed is going to lead her to substance abuse because other family members have had substance abuse problems. Yeah, they have, but weed isn’t automatically the gateway to that, whatever anyone says. I’d rather her smoke weed than shoot up heroin. Would you Perez? I feel like Perez would rather her snorting coke and shooting up and then going out and murdering someone, than smoking weed. That is the way he presents marijuana on his website. He lets us know whenever any celebrity is smoking, and as I said, I do not give a shit. Justin Bieber, you want to smoke? Go ahead. Rihanna, keep it up. I don’t fucking care. Please stop reporting it as news.

Also, perezhilton.com posts a lot of links about how amazing Perez is and when he’s on talk shows or working out at the gym. Again, I will say it, I don’t fucking care. No one cares. I go to the website to learn celebrity gossip, not to learn what asinine thing Perez is doing, or to read misleading article headlines that have nothing to do with the content of the article, and not to take everything you say as fact, despite the fact that it’s actually essentially all speculation. You are not God and you are not above anyone else, Perez. Please, stop acting like you are, and go back to being the bitch we once knew and loved.

It’s interesting that I now realize that Perez was bitchier when he was heavier, and then once he lost weight, he decided to “better” himself. I hate when people do shit like that. I lost weight and I stayed a bitch. Just live your life and stay true to yourself, buddy. You’re not fooling anyone.

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One Response to “perez hilton, i wish i knew how to quit you”

  1. Liz February 13, 2013 at 11:47 pm #

    You are not a bitch!
    Shine bright like a nemo 🙂

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