i won’t rupaulogize for anything i’ve done

30 Jan

So, last night was the fifth season premiere of “RuPaul’s Drag Race”. As everyone in the entire universe is aware, I love this show and I love drag queens. I’ve decided that in honor of this momentous event, I will give you just some of my favorite and least favorite queens from each season. Because this is my blog. And why not? What else do I have to write about? The answer: nothing, I have no life. So here you go!

Season 1:

Queens I love –

Nina Flowers

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The only time in the entire competition that Nina Flowers had to lip synch for her life was when she was fighting in the final two for the crown. My perception of drag queens was huge wigs and attempting as much as a man can to look like a woman, but Nina is androgynous, changes up if she wants to look more feminine or more alien-like, and it’s amazing. Also, she has the thickest Spanish accent and is bald and tattooed in real life, it’s hysterical to see the transition from man to queen.

Be-Be Zahara Benet

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Bebe won season one of the show, and when I was watching it, I couldn’t decide if I was happy or sad about this, because I really love Nina. But, Bebe was literally the classiest chick I’ve ever seen on a television show in my life. She’s mature, got along with everyone, and she knew exactly what she was doing with her craft.

Ongina

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Ongina is a more androgynous queen, much like Nina. She never wears wigs, only little hats to show off her completely bald head. But she’s girly and flirty and adorable, plus hysterical. Also, in one of the episodes, Ongina revealed she is HIV positive, and I literally began to cry because it was such a beautiful moment.

Tammie Brown

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Tammie Brown was unfortunately only in two episodes of both season one of “Drag Race” and also of “All-Stars”. In both seasons, she more or less gave up because she knows that she’s not the competitive type. Tammie is insane and it’s amazing. I have never seen anyone in their own world as much as her. As Vicki Lawrence said, “if I had to pick one of them to just watch walk around for a while, it’s her”. That’s the most accurate statement there is to explain the wonder that is Tammie Brown. Oh, except that once JuJuBee said, “I love the little thing she does, the little lip…oh girl, makes me queef”, which speaks both to Tammie’s and JuJu’s characters.

Queens I hate –

Rebecca Glasscock

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I think that Rebecca Glasscock is the most unpolished and non-drag queen queen to ever appear on the show. She just dressed like an every day girl and had no theatrical tricks to impress anyone with. How she made it to third place is beyond me, she really just coasted her way to the finale.

Shannel

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My problem with Shannel is this: she’s really astounding at the type of drag she does (Vegas show girl), it’s just that she’s annoying as fuck. She doesn’t stop talking about herself and it’s insane, because it’s not being done in a funny way. Also, she decided to essentially quit the show because the judges didn’t tell her she was pretty enough. That’s literally the reason she gave. Like, no thanks.

Akashia

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Akashia was annoying as fuck. She was just loud and obnoxious and not friendly, and that really took away from whatever sense of humor she may have had. It’s so sad that a bad personality can really kill a queen’s talent.

Season 2:

Queens I love –

Raven

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Raven’s pretty much perfect. She’s hysterical, dramatic, knows how to dress and style herself. She’s a slut and she loves it. That makes me love her more. Just look at that picture. She’s sexy and she knows it, she oozes sex and she sells it. She was runner up on both season two and “All Stars”, although she definitely should have won season two.

JuJuBee

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JuJuBee is tied with Raven as my favorite queen from season two. She’s just a gorgeous Asian woman. I love it. Also, her man name is “Airline”. That in itself is astounding. There’s no way she can be anything less than perfect. She’s another queen who’s more than just looks, she’s also ridiculously funny. She probably has the best reaction time out of all the queens and always knows exactly what comeback to say to the judges or anyone else. I love it.

Sahara Davenport

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Sahara Davenport unfortunately passed away in 2012. She may not have been the funniest queen, but she was beautiful and you could tell from watching that she was genuinely an amazing person. She was so sweet and also a professional dancer. She did ballet during more than one “lip synch for your life” and was so gorgeous while doing it.

Pandora Boxx

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Pandora is a real campy queen. I could picture her and Tammie Brown being friends. I was on the fence about her until I saw her impression of Carol Channing during “Snatch Game” and she completely won me over. She was so so funny and although the judges questioned her taste-level and style, I could tell she knows what she’s doing.

Queens I hate –

Tyra Sanchez

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Tyra unfortunately won season two of “Drag Race” for reasons really unknown to me. I didn’t think there was necessarily anything special about her, I didn’t find her funny or like it seemed like she had a good personality, and I didn’t think her style was as Earth-shattering and wowing as the judges did. She is just not my kind of queen. Also, she was a bitch and I just got real sick of her real fast and I don’t get why she was never called out on the way she did her make up. I was not a fan of it. Plus, she’s extremely monotone and I’m not 100% sure she actually has emotions.

Shangela

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Shangela was eliminated after the first episode of season two, and I don’t even fully understand how she got onto the show to begin with that season. She’d only been doing drag for like five months, and while she was funny while in character, out of character she was annoying as fuck.

Tatianna

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Tatianna was just extremely annoying. Her voice was nasally as fuck and she made it to the top four, even though I feel her talent should not have carried her so far. She was just a pretty girl, reminiscent of Rebecca Glasscock. Tatianna had a personality, however, as opposed to Rebecca, but it was a personality that I did  not care to spend so much time with. She also said “thank you” really obnoxiously all the time and that got old fast.

Season 3:

Queens I love –

Raja

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Raja is incredible. She won season three and was also the make up artist on “America’s Next Top Model” for like six years. I love mentioning that because I remember her from the show, both in and out of drag, because she appeared both ways. Her and Raven are very similar to me, but they’re still two distinct personalities. Raja is a “runway queen”. If Tyra had allowed queens on “Top Model”, she would have won, because her walk was better than half of the girls’ who ever competed on that show. She’s also beautiful and artistic and couture and that’s just all so wonderful to me.

Manila Luzon

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Manila was actually dating Sahara Davenport (and had been for years), and her and Raja were like besties on their season, so that makes me love her more. Some of the other queens thought Manila was annoying, but I thought she was pretty damned funny and also gorgeous. Another beautiful Asian woman. She has such an insane sense of style and wore a dress that looked like Big Bird once, which just makes me happy.

Yara Sofia

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Yara Sofia is very funny and also pretty hard to understand due to her thick Spanish accent. However, she’s also breathtakingly pretty and damned good at drag. I don’t really have much more to say about her, I just think she’s pretty.

Queens I hate –

Shangela (again, worse this time around)

22nd Annual GLAAD Media Awards Presented by ROKK Vodka in Los Angeles - Inside

Yeah, look who’s back. Shangela for some sick and twisted reason was allowed back for season three of the show and made it to like fifth place or some shit. Her drag had gotten better, but she was still as annoying as ever. Actually, she was more annoying because we had to deal with her on the show for so long. She was just a loud-mouth and needed to stop talking.

Mimi Imfurst

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Look at that picture. That alone will make you hate someone. Mimi is just a campy queen but to an extreme. She’s not endearing, she’s too over the top and desperate for attention. She also physically lifted another queen over her shoulder during a “lip synch for your life” and then was eliminated. Bad form.

Carmen Carrera

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This is going to sound very rude, but I mostly hate Carmen because she seems really stupid. Like, when she spoke, it sounded like she didn’t have an intellectual thought in her head. She was constantly walking around naked and never really displayed any talent at doing drag. She was just there to look good and show off her ass. I was over her the minute she stepped on the runway.

Phoenix

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Okay, so Phoenix is another queen I dislike because of the way she sounds. Like Carmen, she sounds stupid, but also, her voice was just annoying as fuck. I have no place in my life for people who sound that stupid. Luckily, she was eliminated after like two episodes, so I didn’t have to listen to her drone on for too long.

Season 4:

Queens I love –

Chad Michaels

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I have said it before and I will say it again: Chad Michaels is flawless. She brings an old school style drag, but can also sex it up with the best of them. She refers to herself as a “drag cougar” and you can tell she means it. Also, Chad just makes more sense as a woman than a man, and I think that’s a real telling sign of how affective a drag queen is. She’s seriously the entire package: she has the look, she does spot-on impressions (Cher, Bette Davis), and she’s hysterical. She deserved to win “All Stars”.

Sharon Needles

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I wanted Chad to win season four, but Sharon Needles was my second choice to win, so I wasn’t angry when she did. I had never seen her type of drag before watching the show, so it was a real treat to not only watch all season, but to also see win over the more traditional types of queens we’ve come to know and love. Sharon has an insanely great sense of humor and was also involved in her fair share of drama, which always makes for great tv.

Willam

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Willam is the reason why I started actually caring about “Drag Race”. I wanted to know why she was eliminated, why she threw up on stage, and how the hell she was a man when she looks so feminine. More feminine than I do, really. Like, her body is insane.

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I’m giving two pictures of Willam because of how insane her body is. Like, THAT’S A MAN. My stomach will NEVER look like that. It’s completely unfair. She’s a bitchy queen, but she’s in on the joke, which makes her hysterical. Other queens are just dramatic, but Willam purposely got in on the drama and then made fun of it. Also, after she won a challenge, she said, “it feels correct to win”. I am in love with that sentence.

Latrice Royale

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Large and in charge, chunky yet funky, she is Latrice Royale. Season four was filled with huge personalities, and many of them were really really funny. Latrice is one of the queens who embodies both of those qualities. She won “Miss Congeniality” which makes sense because she is amazing. As Sharon once said while Latrice was lip synching, “Latrice is taking me to church”. Watching Latrice was most definitely a religious experience.

Queens I hate –

Phi Phi O’Hara

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Phi Phi may have been one of the most annoying and easily hate-able queens to ever appear on the show. She was an absolute bitch, but unlike Willam, I don’t think she was aware of what an asshole she is. She plotted against the other girls to get them sent home, which has happened before, but it just seemed more devious and evil when she was doing it. She was beautiful, yes, but that personality, that was just terrible.

Jiggly Caliente

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I don’t think that Jiggly could have been more annoying if she tried. She literally whined the entire show. I don’t think she said one thing that wasn’t in the form of her whining. She was funny, yes, but I never remember that about her. All I remember is her complaining. She also had like, no self-confidence, so I don’t fully understand what she’s doing in this business. Also, her as a man really confuses me. So there’s that, too.

Lashauwn Beyond

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LaShauwn is another one of those queens that I don’t even really know anything about, but her voice made me want to punch someone. She, like Carmen, just sounded stupid. Like I think she just has air in her brain. But, like Phoenix, her voice was really difficult for me to listen to. She was gone after two episodes and that was fine with me.

I’m actually pretty blessed that no one reads this blog because I seriously doubt anyone gives a shit about my thoughts on drag queens. This post was also so long, so to whoever out there didn’t read it, I thank you. Now, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else if you can’t even love yourself? Can I get an “amen”?

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3 Responses to “i won’t rupaulogize for anything i’ve done”

  1. mbile pron video February 21, 2013 at 2:20 am #

    Hi there, I read your blogs daily. Your humoristic style is witty, keep
    it up!

    • Michelle Morris July 15, 2014 at 10:48 pm #

      I just read your blog and I would love to know your thoughts on season 6,you are funny and smart!

  2. Ram875 February 5, 2017 at 4:03 pm #

    Read it all, I agree.

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