why did i go to college? pt 1: everything i needed to know i learned from sitcoms

23 Jan

So, as I clearly mentioned in my last post, “very special episodes” are amazing. They were huge in the 80’s, but after some extensive YouTube research, apparently they’ve been used more recently as well (mostly by the Disney Channel), but on shows that were directed at me when I was twelve. I watched those shows when I was twelve, and I took nothing out of them. That shows you how affective the Disney Channel is at teaching me about the tough times in life.

For this post, I decided to delve further into the “very special episodes” of our television past. But, it was too hard for me to just choose one episode to focus on. Instead, I found two awesome compilations of very special episodes, each of which I will go through clip-by-clip and make fun of. Some of the clips overlap, so that makes life easier for me. Now, watch this video so you can understand what I’m talking about. This post is useless for you if you don’t watch these amazing, breath-taking clips.

Saved By the Bell “Drug PSA”: Okay, yeah, I want to point out that this was a public service announcement that they characters made at the end of the episode. For some reason unknown to me, only these six students were chosen to make special appearances in the video. I’ll never understand why these six have so much power at their school. Especially Screech. I don’t think that there has ever been a worse TV character than Screech. He’s literally the worst. And what makes me hate him more is that the audience actually laughed after he did his bit. Like, no thanks. I’d rather we ignore his existence.

Family Matters “Steve Gets Drunk”: Urkel shouldn’t have been allowed to leave the house, let alone be under the influence of anything. Also, I know I’ve seen this episode, but I don’t remember it. Was Urkel invited to this party? Did he just show and drink too much in order to try to fit in? Either way, any party that Urkel shows up to should be canceled on the spot. How does he catch onto the building? That just seems so unrealistic. As someone who is constantly drunk, I know that there is no way anyone could have this dexterity. Especially Urkel, who is a known idiot. Also, I feel like they could have used a better character to talk about binge drinking with. Like, choose literally any of the other characters and they would be more realistic and relatable. Urkel is a joke. The audience actually laughs when he says, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”. That’s terrible. HE’S ABOUT TO FALL AND DIE. Not a time to be laughing at his dated joke, studio audience.

Full House “Stephanie and Cigarettes”: I love “Full House”. It’s pretty embarrassing. This is a pretty great episode, but only because Stephanie embarrasses the shit out of herself. She literally can’t do anything right with the popular girls. Including looking cool by even pretending to smoke. Stephanie sucks. The people who made this YouTube video should have chosen the clip where the kid in Stephanie’s class is getting abused by his father. At least Stephanie doesn’t look like an idiot in that one.

Fresh Prince “Carlton on Speed”: Damn, Carlton on speed is hysterical. The idea that students just carry speed around with them is so great. It’s such a common thing in the television universe. As much as I love to watch Carlton dancing while on speed, the person who made this should have showed the clip where he’s in the hospital and discovers that he took speed. That part is amazing because Carlton thinks he’s a drug addict based off of the one time he accidentally took speed. Accidentally. “Fresh Prince” made a “very special episode” based off of the idea that someone accidentally took a drug. We’ll move on.

Home Improvement “Brad Smokes Pot”: I can’t take this clip too seriously, or even the concept of it, because I know that Tim Allen used to be a coke dealer. Everything he does is discredited from then on. You go on and smoke weed, Brad. Go on with your bad self. What’s your dad gonna do? Sell you coke? Maybe. He’s better at that than fixing shit, that’s for damn sure (side note: I’ve chosen here to not separate Tim Allen the man and “Tim Taylor” the character. They’re essentially one in the same).

Family Ties “Uncle Ned’s An Alcoholic”: Hey, look, it’s Tom Hanks. This clip gets a pass, Tom Hanks can do nothing wrong in my book. Next.

Degrassi “Liberty’s Pregnant”: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha the idea that someone would have sex with Liberty disturbs me to this day. I could never take this clip seriously due to how unrealistic it is based on that one fact alone. Also, spoiler alert, JT dies the next season. Way to ruin everything, Liberty.

Diff’rent Strokes “The Pedophile”: Okay, I’ve actually seen this episode in full. I’m really upset with how little they show of it in this video. It is honestly really disturbing. It’s one of those episodes where things just get worse and worse for literally every single person on the show. Like, nothing good happens. And the audience has absolutely no idea how to handle what they are seeing. Essentially, it is the quintessential “very special episode”. That’s just my opinion. And my opinion is all that matters. I suggest everyone watch the full episode. Now. At this moment.

The Cosby Show “Theo’s Dyslexic”: Uuuhhh…right, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this episode of “The Cosby Show”, but from the looks of it, I guess the Huxtables are pretty into learning disorders. So that’s kinda weird.

Punky Brewster “The Refrigerator”: What the fuck? Is that girl dead? “Punky Brewster” really did an amazing job at singlehandedly portraying the homelessness epidemic in our country. Unless that girl is dead. Then I’m just deeply disturbed. Why is she there?

Captain Planet “High on Bliss”: Yeah, not 100% sure what “bliss” is, but this kid seems to be pretty into it. And who are we to tell him to not do what makes him happy?

Boy Meets World “Shawn Joins a Cult”: What a weird concept to do an episode on. Like, was joining a cult so prevalent in the 90’s that we had to have a full episode addressing it? I’m pretty sure Jonestown was in the 70’s, so I’m at a loss (I just googled it and I was right, Jonestown was in the 70’s). Also, this episode marked the last appearance of Mr. Turner, the third most beloved teacher at John Adams High (I count Eli as the second most beloved. He was just so cool). Show some respect to the apparent death of Mr. Turner.

Dinosaurs “Robbie Does Steroids”: All right, I don’t understand what Disney was trying to do. You can’t use a show that is centered on the idea that a family of dinosaurs walks and talks like humans and live in a developed society to push ANY political or moral matters. What were you thinking Disney? Robbie can do as many steroids as he wants; he’s a fucking dinosaur.

Mr. Belvedere “Amphetamines”: Unless Danny is on the TV talking about having AIDS but other than that being pretty good, I don’t care about “Mr. Belvedere”.

Home Improvement “Randy Might Have Cancer”: When the fuck was there an episode where Randy might have cancer? How did I miss that? This show chooses really weird topics to bum everyone out with. Also, Jonathan Taylor Thomas: still a fox.

Lizzie McGuire “Miranda’s Eating Disorder”: I remember watching this episode when it first aired (when I was 12) and being confused as to why Miranda had an eating disorder for legit one day and then passed out immediately. I’ve gone like twenty-four hours without eating before and I didn’t pass out. This is just another example of how Miranda sucks and deserved to be phased out by the end of the show. Also, “I’m outie”. She really was.

Beverly Hills, 90210 “Donna’s Abusive Boyfriend”: Yeah, so the acting in this is horrible. That’s what stands out to me the most to me. It’s really the worst when a show is trying to educate on an important issue and then the acting is painful so you ignore everything else happening.

Saved By the Bell “Hooked on Caffeine Pills”: Hands down the best episode of “Saved By the Bell” EVER. It is the most ludicrous concept ever to be shown on any television program. Jessie becomes addicted to caffeine pills. Who the fuck takes caffeine pills? Jessie, you’re such a nerd that you can’t even take real drugs? That’s just embarrassing. Also, you’re stressing out about a terrible music video that you’re making for fun with your friends. You really need to get your priorities in line. At least Screech is noticeably absent from this clip.

Fresh Prince “Racial Profiling”: Okay, so I get that this clip is discussing racial profiling. I completely get that. But what is this dialogue? I’m so confused as to what the situation that occurred earlier in the episode was that this conversation needed to happen. I agree with Carlton, a car driving at 2mph would be pretty suspicious and understandably pulled over. But, I feel like I shouldn’t be agreeing with Carlton because apparently it must have been about race? I’m just so confused. Uncle Phil’s pretty pissed off, that’s all I have to say. He’s probably more pissed off about the fact that Carlton agreed with the cops, therefore proving that something went wrong with Carlton’s DNA and he actually IS the whitest man alive. Also, what is the ending of that? Why did Carlton keep speaking after Uncle Phil left the room? Why was he sitting there still? Is that how they ended the episode? Is no one going to explain this to me? Why did whoever made this compilation of clips end the video this way? I just do not understand anything anymore.

All right, so I was going to describe another long-ass set of clips (sorry for saying “long-ass”, that was embarrassing), but this post is really long, so I’ll discuss the other compilation in the next post. There’s even more 80’s goodness, and even more confusing situations occurring that I can’t comprehend since I’m watching ten second clips. This is the good life.

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