i would totes make the title of this post a bright eyes lyric if i were back in eighth grade

14 Jan

I have this problem where I live in the past. Any spare time I get during my day I spend thinking about things that have already happened. My real issue with this is that I think of the past and I create new scenarios in my mind that could have happened during that time and in that place, but none of it is real and never happened. I once read that 75% of what you daydream has never happened and will never happen. I’m pretty sure that this is actually 100% for me, because I think I’m actually a hallucination and live in an imaginary world.

But in all seriousness, my issue is that I live in the past and always wish that I could be somewhere else that I’ve already been, because I have to assume it’s better than where I am now. I am never just content with where I am in the moment. I am constantly unhappy with it and think about the better times I had in other places. I always wish I was back in these places, reliving the experiences I have before, enjoying myself as I have in the past. I wish that I could just be back in these locations, most usually the place I dream of being is London, because I know that this is where I was completely happy. I was literally unhappy three times in London, I could tell you the exact times because that’s how little I was unhappy there. However, I think I allow myself to forget the most important factor in this rush of wishing I was somewhere else: even if I were to go back, I can never recreate what happened there before. Things would be different if I were to return. If I went back to London, I would not be with all of the same people in my program, I would not have the same flat I had, I would not have the same sense of having almost no responsibilities. I’d have to figure out life differently and adjust to my surroundings that in a sense would become new to me again. It wouldn’t be what I experienced before. Even with Amherst, I often find myself wishing I could be back at our hold house from last year, just sitting around and drinking on the porch when the weather finally became nice. But, if I were to go back, it wouldn’t be the same there either. I’m not a student anymore, I can’t be living that lifestyle, my roommates wouldn’t be there, nothing would be the same. I wouldn’t even be able to live in 1136 again, and that’s what I most desperately miss. It makes it even sadder to think about missing these places when actually allowing the reality that nothing would be the same if I were to go there again.

I think that my issue is that I’m never content with the present unless something really exciting is happening, and really, how often does that occur? Not everything can be really exciting and I can never have everything that I want. I’m still struggling to actually accept this. And I don’t like to live thinking about the future, because I think that to me, the future is completely hypothetical. I have things that I would love to do and places I would love to go, but who knows when they’ll actually happen and if they’d work out how I plan. What if something were to go wrong? For example, you can have your hotel and flight booked to go to Germany for Oktoberfest, but you don’t necessarily plan on going to the wrong airport the morning of and missing your flight (yes, this actually happened to me. No, I don’t want to talk about it. Yes, I know I am very stupid. Yes, this is one of the three times I was unhappy in London). I need things to be happening the moment that I want them to happen, and then I mourn them when they’re over. I’m one of those people who gets sentimental and upset when Christmas ends. There’s always so much build up and spirits really are generally higher during the holiday season, but then it’s just all done. Sure, the tree stays up for another week and there’s still New Year’s Eve to celebrate, but really, the Christmas specials are all off of tv and I hate New Year’s Eve because it never lives up to the hype. I’m someone who always wishes it was another time and I was in another place with other people. It hinders me, yes, but it’s honestly very hard to control.

I don’t know if all of this makes me sound like a sad person, but I can’t help it. I’ve just had some really great experiences in my life, I suppose. I should look at it that way. However, I think I really wish I could go back to so many situations from my past because I want to be able to really appreciate them while they are happening, which I feel like I constantly never allow myself to do. I need to learn how to care more in the present when something is happening, rather than waiting for it to end so I can wax nostalgic about it. I’ll just pretend that this makes me very deep and poetic and look at it as a positive, when really, I know that isn’t it. I need to get the fuck out of my head because it’s insanity in there.

You’re welcome for this downer of a post, the zero people who look at this blog.

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