i own a pair of kangaroo sneakers and my friends and i used to pass notes in the pockets during science class

14 Jan

Growing up, I always knew what I wanted to do eventually in life. I would say “screenwriter” or “doctor” (yeah, I used to want to be a doctor. It’s funny because as I got older, I knew that I could never be a doctor because a) I hate blood and b) I hate people) or “teacher”. These were all a lie, though. All a clever cover for what I really was interested in doing, and will forever be interested in doing.

My dream in life is to be a commentator on Vh1 specials. Most specifically, “I Love the 80’s”. Now, I know what you’re thinking, no one. “Alaina, ‘I Love the 80’s’ already happened. Three times. Also, you weren’t alive in the 80’s. How would any of this work? I think you’re a figment of my imagination”. Well, to you, no one, I have several responses. Yes, “I Love the 80’s” is already a completed series. But, let’s think about this. It’s Vh1. Is anything there ever really finished? I think not. For example, they began the “I Love the New Millennium” franchise back in like 2008, before the year was even done. So, they still have two or three years they need to comment on. That alone gives me hope, maybe one day they’ll remember their bastard child of a program and request my assistance after reading my insightful thoughts on current popular culture on my always relevant twitter.

But forget about “I Love the New Millennium”, that’s not what I care about. Entertainment media today is all about one thing: the reboot. Also, sequels. So really, two things. Reboots and sequels. Sorry for saying it was only about one thing, that was misleading of me. So, what I’m thinking is that “I Love the 80’s” is long overdue for either a reboot or a fourth segment, either of which I would be more than happy to participate in. For free. No questions asked. The first two installments were really where the show hit its stride. Vh1’s other attempts at spin-offs (yeah, I’ll call them spin-offs), “I Love the 70’s” and “I Love the 90’s”, plus their own sequels, failed to really reach the level that the first two “80’s” installments achieved and maintained. The third installment of “I Love the 80’s”, cleverly titled “3D”, I assume because of “Jaws 3D” which was a completely necessary movie, was kind of thrown in after some of the other decades were being broadcast, and I really don’t think we should even bother remembering it. So, I think it’s time that we reboot “I Love the 80’s”, and discuss all of the same topics that were discussed on the first two segments of it. Who wouldn’t want that? A fresh new take on the trends of the past that have already been discussed by the likes of Michael Ian Black, Daisy Fuentes, and Chris Jericho! New insights! Old topics! New laughs!

Now, there lies your other problem with me, no one. I am well aware that I was not a child in the 80’s. Not only was I not a child in the 80’s, but I wasn’t even alive then. I was conceived in 1989, which I thought gave me enough street cred to wear a pin that said “Made in the 80’s” on my purse, which is both really embarrassing and pretty gross. But you know what? I only did that because I loved the 80’s so much. I made two t-shirts back in ’05 and ’06, one of John Stamos back when he was Blackie on “General Hospital”, and the other of “Wham!”. What teenager who was not alive in the 80’s would do this and actually be able to still remember those references now? What I’m getting is that while I was not physically present in the 80’s, I think I was born in the wrong decade and my spirit belongs in the 80’s. It sounds insanely stupid, especially given how cool the 90’s have become recently, but it’s just how I’ve always felt. I know what the garbage pale kids are. I have a best of Erasure cd. Jake Ryan is my dream date. I remember the Berlin Wall being torn down (no I don’t).

Long story short, Vh1, I also had a tshirt that said “I Love the 80’s”. I’d be happy to be a commentator on any “I Love the (insert decade)” segments, but my dream is really just to talk about the 80’s and how much I appreciate almost everything from that time (I can’t get behind mall hair or the existence of Eric Stoltz). You don’t need to be alive during a certain period of time to be creepily obsessed with everything about it at a young age, an age where I really should have been out socializing with other people and not making tshirts with Wham! on them. But I still wear that Wham! shirt. And I wear it with pride. Because I believe in America. And America believes in me.

Oh, and to answer your final concern, no one…I absolutely am a figment of your imagination.

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