sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

7 Jan

Dear food,

I’m sorry I’m doing this so impersonally, in letter form, rather than over a text message or by having Taylor Swift write a song for me, but we need to break up. We have gone through so much together, it’s like throwing away an entire chunk of my life, leaving behind the one thing I have ever truly loved and that has ever comforted me. But food, me and you, we just haven’t been on the same page recently. The relationship is far too dependent, with me relying on food to cure my every mood swing, and you having no say in the matter. It’s hard when food is your boyfriend, but it’s even harder when you have to say goodbye.

I’ll always remember all that we’ve shared. At my second birthday when I stuffed my face with cake, when I used to eat three breakfasts a day, when my first boyfriend broke up with me and I devoured almost an entire pizza the next day and then three Thanksgiving dinners the day after that, when my grandfather died and the family was bombarded with trays and trays of beautiful assortments of deli meats and doughnuts and everything else imaginable. Food has been both my rebound and my buffer, always there when I need a friend and a hand to hold. But food, as fun as it’s been, it’s also been miserable, and you’ve really taken a toll on my body. It’s not that fun to not be able to fit through doors without greasing up my sides. I’m past the point where I look too fat in jeans so I have to wear leggings; I now look too fat for my leggings. I had to use my inhaler the other night because I ate so much at dinner that I couldn’t breathe normally. That’s really when I knew, that was the moment that it hit me: food, we are in a toxic relationship. And as much as I have loved you as my boyfriend, especially pizza (I think I’ll miss pizza the most), this just needs to end. This tumultuous affair must come to a conclusion. As much as it breaks my heart, my fupa will be more than thrilled to see you go, as I am tired of watching it grow. Seriously, being on fupa control patrol is very time consuming, and there’s only so large a sweater I can wear to try to cover it.

So food, it’s been beautiful, disgusting, horrendous, difficult, upsetting, excessive, and unnecessary. We had our run, but really, it’s time I leave you behind. Of course, I can’t just let you go cold turkey (I would love to eat some cold turkey right now). You are far too tempting and too delicious for me to just ignore, and I know it will take a while to ween myself off of you. But for now, food, at least know that my intentions were pure, and I am trying to drop you as easily as I can. You’ve been there a lot for me for the past twenty two years. And I often think of where I would be had we never met, or had my love for you not grown so strong. My life would probably be infinitely better. But really, I would never give up what we had. Because you are delicious. And I get really bored all of the time and just want to eat.

Xoxo you know you love me,
Gossip Girl

Cue: a mashup of “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” and “Trouble”, as both songs describe my feelings toward this breakup.

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